Last night a neighbour popped round with her three year old niece. She asked if we were going to have any more children to which I replied "I can't have any more children. We're looking into adoption" It wasn't awkward actually, being that direct about where things are at. For so many months when I've been asked that question I've never quite known how to answer it and my feeble "I hope so" reply just reinforced how vulnerable I was feeling within SIF.
Now I know my fate, I can be straight up with others. I hid a lot of my pain out there when going through SIF for fear of being misunderstood and judged. Yet now I think there is no shame in sharing that sometimes the ending is heartbreak with infertility.
I've been feeling my feelings grief-wise the last few days. But all in all I'm pretty good. I have more energy and motivation to do stuff at the moment. I've baked twice this week and made more of an effort with the house-work. There's been a bit of social stuff going on too being the end of the year and all that.
Today I caught up with some former co-workers over brunch. My daughter spent quite a bit of the time wandering off with me chasing her, but it was good to see them all the same. A MOTH friend shared about how her three children resemble each other physically. I still feel a pang of envy and a general sense of unfairness when I hear comments like that. I think how can someone be so lucky - in that they get to have three kids when I didn't get to have two biological ones. Surely God could have evened it out a lot better - I only wanted one more. A two-child family request was not asking for a lot, I didn't think.
I think it's worked out well that we can't start the adoption process until next Marchish. I think it's important I sort out the aftermath of SIF as much as possible before throwing myself into our adoption plans. It's kind of like when you've just broken up with someone and the writing was on the wall way before the split. I feel like that with SIF - I guess I've known it was over for me quite some time ago but I've still got a little way to go emotionally around how things ended.
1 comment:
Hi Kynda, as soon aa we get our homestudy approved and on the wait list in Korea, when people ask me "are you going to have any more?" i think i will just say "yes....we our adopting our second child from korea" and not say "i cant have any more" (i dont like how that sounds...it makes me feel bad! even tho. its apprently true baring a miracle)
glad you got a free herbal appontment---they handled their mistake very well, unlike my flakey ex-herbalist!
Nancy A.
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