Today I feel numb, but in a good way. There have been lots of tears lately, including some really big cries. I have been in a state of grief for a few months now which is kind of bizarre considering I haven't lost anything tangible.
What I realised yesterday is that I have obviously been holding on to this dream of having another baby way too tightly. I have made it my everything when it shouldn't be. As I cried into my husband's arms last night we had an emotional exchange about the whole ordeal. It shouldn't be forgotten that men feel pain too around broken dreams. Anyway, I realised last night there is nothing wrong with our little family as it is. For so long I was happy and felt complete with "just" the three of us (four if you include the cat!). I'm on my way back to that space again. I think perhaps I hit rock bottom around this yesterday. I'm not sure. All I know is something has shifted and I really do need to either pull the plug on this whole thing for my own sanity, or change my perspective. I'm going for the latter approach for now.
However I think I allowed myself to get the place I was dreading to go for a while - to face my reality that the chances of another biological baby for us are slim. I'm not being pessimistic, just realistic. To be honest it feels better to think like that rather than holding on with false hope. Yesterday I tore down the picture of me pregnant with my daughter that I had put up in our room in what was perhaps a crazy attempt at visualisation. I felt a great sense of relief come over me when I removed it, which confirms for me having it there only depressed me more on some level.
I feel in that numb state of grief that you do when you have shed a lot of tears and feel quite emotionally drained but at the same time have a sense that all is going to be fine. Somehow I've acknowledged that I'm going to be okay, whatever happens.
1 comment:
Lynda~
I have been/am where you are now... the desperation to be pregnant, the fear that it might not ever happen, the anger trying to find someone to blame...
My husband is not vocal about his pain either... and sometimes I feel like I'm suffering all by myself because he expresses himself and copes in different ways. I need to talk and he needs to distract himself. I honor that, but sometimes I just need to be on the same page with him. When that happens, it is a precious and special time. We internalize our infertility so much as women and it goes round and round in our head until it makes us crazy. As long as we are trying to get pregnant, through IVF, IUI or other means, we will always be in limbo... until we reach the day when we have that child or decide to give up and begin the grieving process officially. Until then it's a sort of "grieve as we go," like a relative with a terminal illness. Other than finding support with God, family and other women suffering from infertility... I just don't know what else to do. I can say that you are not alone, and I feel a lot less alone tonight knowing that there is someone out there feeling just as I am at the same time. Thank you for sharing your struggles.
~Jody (JodyRN f/DS)
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