Allowing myself to dream a little

Even though I am excited and relieved to have changed tack around TTC; it is a bit of a challenge. I suppose I have been wired/addressing my fertility issues a certain way for so long that it is a case of old habits dying hard.

I really feel as if a big dark cloud was parked above me right from the onset of TTC for a second baby. I was given the dismal warning that I could enter premature menopause when I lost an ovary when my daughter was born. So that has been my fear for almost three and a half years! Advocates of the law of attraction would say I worried myself into my current biological state and perhaps I did. Anyway I am now choosing to ignore the medical perspective and to just carry on with TTC.

I have a MOT friend who had some "healing" work done when TTC her first child who took four years to arrive. I'm going to look into it. I feel like I need a clean slate. This negativity really needs to be shifted before I can move forward properly.

However, I have been allowing myself to dream a little around the possibility of having another baby. That was something I wasn't able to do for a very long time as I thought I would be both kidding and hurting myself thinking about a dream baby. So I suppose I have started visualising. I can see and feel another baby at this point. Some may think I'm nuts, but I feel as though this baby is waiting in the wings and I just have to work out how to let her in to our lives. Yes, I think it's a girl. I had similar feelings even before TTC our daughter. I knew there was a girl waiting to enter our lives. It was as though I could sense her spirit out there.

I have nothing to lose thinking this way. In fact it frees up my time and energy allowing myself to think about our possible baby to be. It is a much nicer space to be in than in the one where I was grieving the baby I was so sure was meant to come along and looked like it wasn't.

Who knows. At the very least it makes an interesting personal experiment around the mind-body connection. It feels like an exciting new adventure and much more positive than the dire waters I have been swimming in for the last few months.

I am so exhausted. All the emotional ups and downs of the last twenty-two months have been so very taxing. I am attempting to get to bed earlier some nights of the week. It feels like it is a time of healing around TTC - a time of making amends to myself. I could say infertility has put me through the wringer; but it has been my attitude a lot of the time that has hurt me.