The cracks are starting to show

Sure enough the tears flowed yesterday, shortly after writing my post. I felt so lost and couldn't decide whether to go to Music or not. In the end I decided to go, thinking getting out of the house would perhaps be a good thing. Bad call. We walked to Music (around a fifteen minute walk each way) and as soon as I got there I knew I shouldn't have come. I saw the sea of MOTs and bumps in the hall from the corridor and felt as though I was looking in on a world that I once belonged to, but don't any longer. I know many of the MOTs that go to Music yet I feel so emotionally estranged from most of the them - especially now I have my half-diagnosis of ovarian failure.

The funny thing was my daughter didn't want to get out of her buggy "NO music!!" she said and no amount of coaxing was going to get her out of there. That was a first for her. Normally she's pretty enthusiastic. One of my MOT friends came out to say hi in the hallway. She has heard a bit around my secondary infertility deal so I gave her an update. She said I probably needed a hug, and that then I'd probably cry - which I did. It actually felt really good to just have a big sob in her arms and she shed some tears too as she experienced infertility for around four years when TTC her first daughter.

Another MOT I know walked by with her very recent addition to the family. It was absolutely devastating to look into the baby car-seat and see a baby who looked just like his older sister. She is the former SI who fobbed me off a few months ago when I asked how her second child was conceived. I thought fuck it, and just told her I had pretty much found out I couldn't have another biological child and was having a hard time dealing with it. She said to call if I needed to talk. Hmmm. I appreciated the offer but I'm not sure that she is someone I want to disclose my full grief with.

My world is crumbling around me right now so I've realised it's important that I do let people in as much as I can. I suspect it'll take me some time to work through my grief and it does feel better expressing where I'm at with people - especially MOTs parading around with their families of two. I am not going to pretend I am over the moon for MOTs with their new additions while my heart is breaking into a million pieces. Many of the MOTs I know through Music and Playgroup are my friends and they do care. It is very hard to let them in but if I don't I just wind up feeling alone and isolated.

I've been taking my daughter to Music as long as I have to Playgroup - almost three years. Perhaps it is all about a new start. She probably is a bit past it herself. Kindy three times a week and gymnastics once a week is no doubt enough social stimulation for her - along with two playdates a week. I think I will just take her to Music every now and then. I won't go when I'm on the verge of a cry again. I'm sad to be moving on from Music as just like Playgroup, it was where I networked with other Mums for almost three years. I guess a significant chapter of early motherhood is ending for me and it feels big because I am moving on whereas my MOT peers aren't. It is like leaving a job, graduating, and ending a relationship all at once. A very strange time indeed.

So yesterday I ended up driving out to my Mums holiday home for the afternoon with my daughter. I cried for a lot of the twenty minute drive. But it was good going out there and just hanging out, far away from the world of MOTs and bumps and getting a hug from my Mum. I went to Bodyjam last night and loved it. It is so important for me to do the things I love: that bring me happiness in this time of grief. I have booked in to do a RPM class on Sunday before work. I just feel I need to do a bit of cardio right now as I am operating in high stress-mode.

My gyno called me back (from a week ago) yesterday while I was out. His message said he was checking in with me to see where I was at. I tried to call him back but the receptionist said he'd gone for the day and that he'd try me again next week.

I feel as though I am floating around in no-mans land more than ever. I am no longer in the running for TTC so don't feel like I really belong in the secondary infertility community on Dailystrength even. I still check in once a week but I shall move on eventually. Even though the women there have been through hell and back - I find it very hard to hear about fertility treatments and BFPs. When I was in the running for TTC, it was a different story as the treatments and the BFPs gave me hope. Now they just depress me.

So I don't know where I belong - in the heap with all the other SIs whose TTC days came to an end, I guess. Trouble is - I don't know who they are so I feel incredibly alone in all this. I have to just keep chugging along while God tidies up the loose ends for me. I will find my place again.