Giving up on my dream of having another biological child was breaking my heart. The only reason I was shutting the door on it was because of the medical evidence that was starting to stack up against me. I had not been given the dreaded There is nothing you/we can do statement but in a way was bracing myself for it. But I've decided to carry on with TTC for now. I am not going to wait around for a full medical diagnosis. It's almost as though what is said from a medical perspective from this point on is irrelevant to me.
It feels like another phase of TTC, however. This time it's about putting me first. I do have hormonal issues so I will be working on getting those sorted out. I am highly stressed right now and just need to calm down. I am riddled with negatives around TTC: too old/one ovary/high FSH levels/low progesterone levels/no ovulation. Although the medical perspective is important to address where I'm at hormonally - I am choosing to believe it's not relevant while I'm TTC.
What I mean by this is I'm realising that TTC is about the mind-body connection. I really think it is. It is interesting that some fertility procedures work for some women, and some don't. Of course there is the medical factor to account for this. But I do think it is about where a woman is spiritually/emotionally/psychologically while TTC. I'm not saying changing my way of thinking around TTC will bring me another baby. But it'll help. And I'd rather close the door on TTC feeling as positive as possible about it - as in, I really did all I could. Rather than feeling defeated and down-trodden like I have ever since my half diagnosis of ovarian failure.
I bought two books on Amazon last night by Julia Indichova. "Inconceivable: A Woman's Triumph over Despair and Statistics" and "The Fertile Female: How the Power of Longing for a Child Can Save Your Life and Change the World". I won't get them til around the end of August/mid-September as they are been shipped from the US. But I'm looking forward to reading them as I think that's where I'm at - in a very similar space to where the author was when she was TTC her second child - diagnosed with POF (premature ovarian failure) with elevated FSH levels at the age of forty-two. Inconceivable is all about how she turned things around by turning inwards and consequently conceived her second child naturally. It sounds so inspiring and I'm grateful to my blog-friends who have gently suggested I read it!
I guess I've been thinking if other women can conceive against the odds, then why not me? My desire for another child is so very strong. I guess I've let all that negative talk around where I'm at medically over-ride my desire for another child. I want to turn it all around.
Also, I'm/we're going to TTC a little differently. Our daughter was conceived used natural fertility methods - charting, temperature charts etc. No more! No more charts or temperatures because all that does is depress me when I'm clearly not ovulating. What we've decided to do is just to er, you know, do the deed regularly so no more timing for ovulation etc. From what I've read this is the best approach for those with POF as ovulation is sporadic and of course might not happen at all. There is apparently a 5 - 10% chance of conceiving.
The way I look at is, I have nothing to lose. I will go back on the pre-natal vitamins and am just going to concentrate on getting me back on track emotionally. I have some healing to do around TTC up to this point - all the despair, disappointment and heart-ache. If Julia Indichova can turn it all around, then there is a chance that I can too.
4 comments:
yes....thats pretty much the way I think also!!!
nancy
(311)
Glad to hear you're feeling better!!! And yes, I strongly believe in the mind-body connection. We had 7 failed ovulation induction IUI cycles and 2 failed IVF cycles a few years ago before I read these books. Going into this IVF cycle, I really concentrated on Julia's imagery exercises and being kind to myself and look where I am now!!! I think I'm still in a bit of a shock.
Best of luck and keep your spirits high. At last check my FSH was 22 - I just turned 38 a couple of days ago. I was devasted since we were hoping to have a second child as well.
I was given the same 5-10% chance of getting pregnant. We lucked out; got pregnant naturally. we delivered our second daughter 4 months ago.
Like I said before; keep your spirits alive. It can happen.
Wishing you the best.
I think it's worth a try. When we gave up on TTC and finished going through the devastation stages, I became happy and less stressed. It was sort of a relief to not be obsessed with something that was not going to happen. As you know, we then became pregnant a month later after trying for 2 years. Like you mentioned, we did the "deed" whenever we felt like it, rather than scheduled. Much better! Miracles really do happen! Good luck! ;) I'll keep my fingers crossed for you
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