I have just clicked that for some people, my blog is the only point of contact they have with me. So it has become their perception of me. I just wanted to point out that a blog is essentially an on-line journal. I started this blog in November '07 as I recognised I had a lot of sorting out to do in my head. I was in overwhelm with the whole IF deal. My blog has certainly helped me to sieve through the IF emotional terrain and I appreciate that I have had an audience to witness this. I just want to clarify that I am more than my thoughts.
I am, for example, a member of a gym. So the people who see me at the gym every week, see me as that - a member of a gym. They are clueless about the rest of my life and that's why it is such a freeing place to go.
I also have a retail position on Sundays. In that job I am seen as an employee who is simply doing her job.
I am also a mother and a wife. These are my main roles in life. I'm beginning to fall in love again with my domestic life as it is today. I am starting to feel that nothing is missing and that I have everything. This is a huge shift for me.
Some of you will only ever know me as a writer of a blog based on secondary infertility. But I am so much more than that. Ironically this blog has helped me see that.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Finding peace
I really think a big shift is taking place with this whole IF deal. I am finding some peace amongst it all. Real peace. And it has been all about living in the moment as I've expressed in my last couple of posts. If I'm living in the moment then actually the fact that I am currently infertile isn't actually relevant. I can't actually do anything about my infertility right now and will just have to trust that it will be sorted out/investigated in time via an ultrasound to check out my cyst/an increase in the dosage of Clomid. In the meantime I am completely powerless over my fertility so I may as well just enjoy life as it exists before me.
I've had an excellent weekend of truly being present. We've had a lot on and I've applied myself to everything I've needed to one hundred percent. I've sorted out the personality clash/misunderstanding around a volunteer position I hold. I guess the reason I got so mad at this persons perception of me was because there was some partial truth to her comments. My life has been affected by IF. I have let it be. But I truly think I am turning a corner and embracing all that is currently in my life rather than all that isn't.
Some blog-readers have commented on my emotional state this weekend. One saw me as being in a good place with it all - and one in a very bad place. (!) I guess that's the interesting thing about IF - emotions tend to be all over the place and so I find I often am assumed to be feeling the same way I was say two days ago when often I have moved on to a different emotional state. IF grief is not unlike the grief felt around a relationship ending or a death - that is how the grieving process has gone with me with IF. Sometimes you do have to take two steps back before you can take another one forward.
I suspect there'll be more challenges ahead within IF. However for now I feel as though I am letting go of IF as a problem. I am learning to live with my grief around it all and somehow accepting the IF package (such as being constantly triggered by bumps and babies), has meant I've managed to find some peace. I don't feel like I'm fighting IF today as I am ready to surrender it to God. I am done with it.
I've had an excellent weekend of truly being present. We've had a lot on and I've applied myself to everything I've needed to one hundred percent. I've sorted out the personality clash/misunderstanding around a volunteer position I hold. I guess the reason I got so mad at this persons perception of me was because there was some partial truth to her comments. My life has been affected by IF. I have let it be. But I truly think I am turning a corner and embracing all that is currently in my life rather than all that isn't.
Some blog-readers have commented on my emotional state this weekend. One saw me as being in a good place with it all - and one in a very bad place. (!) I guess that's the interesting thing about IF - emotions tend to be all over the place and so I find I often am assumed to be feeling the same way I was say two days ago when often I have moved on to a different emotional state. IF grief is not unlike the grief felt around a relationship ending or a death - that is how the grieving process has gone with me with IF. Sometimes you do have to take two steps back before you can take another one forward.
I suspect there'll be more challenges ahead within IF. However for now I feel as though I am letting go of IF as a problem. I am learning to live with my grief around it all and somehow accepting the IF package (such as being constantly triggered by bumps and babies), has meant I've managed to find some peace. I don't feel like I'm fighting IF today as I am ready to surrender it to God. I am done with it.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Aren't you over this, already?
Ok so no-one has actually said that I should be over the whole IF deal. But the implication is there with a lot of people. It frustrates me that people cannot see that living with IF is like being in a state of constant grief. Sure you have periods of time when you're not there, but for the most part, it is like living with a knife through your heart because the very thing you want and desire so much looks like it may not happen most of the time.
The thing is, I am moving to a better place with my grief. I know it. Yet it upset me today that a woman I trust basically said because of my IF struggle, I wasn't coping in a voluntary position I have. That makes me so very angry. True, the affects of IF do spill out into the rest of my life. But I'm really trying hard to do the best in all areas of responsibility that I have in my life right now. I thought it was unfair of her to assume that just because my personal life is in disarray that anything else I do will be affected.
Anyway, I'm still sticking to living in the present. It's going well. I've done a lot of baking this week it seems - have had a few things to bake for out there.
I took my last Clomid pill tonight of round two. I had a glass of wine at a function we went to briefly tonight (as we took our daughter). I'm quite cynical about this round of Clomid as ovulation seems unlikely. But you never know.
The thing is, I am moving to a better place with my grief. I know it. Yet it upset me today that a woman I trust basically said because of my IF struggle, I wasn't coping in a voluntary position I have. That makes me so very angry. True, the affects of IF do spill out into the rest of my life. But I'm really trying hard to do the best in all areas of responsibility that I have in my life right now. I thought it was unfair of her to assume that just because my personal life is in disarray that anything else I do will be affected.
Anyway, I'm still sticking to living in the present. It's going well. I've done a lot of baking this week it seems - have had a few things to bake for out there.
I took my last Clomid pill tonight of round two. I had a glass of wine at a function we went to briefly tonight (as we took our daughter). I'm quite cynical about this round of Clomid as ovulation seems unlikely. But you never know.
Friday, March 28, 2008
T-shirts I really needed to see today
I took my daughter to Music this morning. And right before me (no bull, I swear!) was a t-shirt on a girl about my daughter's age that read "I am the big sister". Then, I turned around and lo behold there was "Mind the bump" emblazoned on a very pregnant-looking woman's t-shirt. They say God is smiling down on us, but perhaps God is having a bit of a laugh right now at me. I have always thought the God of my understanding had a sense of humour - and it's often in scenarios such as this where I'm encouraged to lighten up a bit.
I feel all this is getting so old. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired of IF. I want my life back. And so I am trying really hard to live in the day. I'm also switching off my computer during the day as I can be an internet-junkie if not careful. Although Dailystrength is a great place to turn to - daily - I do think I can overuse it. Also I find if I switch off my computer and just focus on what needs to be done - then I do just that. I've started decluttering the house. Today I spent some time sorting out our daughter's bedroom - packing away clothes she's outgrown, and sorting out her toys and bookcase. I said to my husband it's time Peter Rabbit left her room now she's three. So in time I'll look for some bright coloured posters with the alphabet or shapes or something educational/preschool-like for her.
I feel as though even though I do not like it one bit - I am moving into a greater place of acceptance around my situation. My daughter loves watching DVDs of herself. We have two - one of her first year and one of her around eighteen months/her recent birthday party. She loves watching herself as a baby. I have noted that as well as thinking I may never get to experience another baby in our home again, I am also thinking, I got to experience a baby growing up in our home. I have been fortunate enough to be an at-home Mum for three years. And watching the DVD footage it is obvious that the bond between my daughter and I is very strong and has been from the start. I have no regrets as far as parenting goes.
I have a "problem" outside of IF right now which involves a personality clash. It is nice to have a different problem that I need to sort out!
My conclusion today - as I said to a friend (who had IF issues the first time round, but conceived her second naturally and is due next week) is that obviously I cannot do anything around my fertility right now. So I may as well just use this time to heal. I am thinking of going the "alternate" way again. Maybe acupuncture or even to see a "healer". (the same friend recommended someone). I will definitely get a massage too asap - once the bank balance allows it.
I feel there is progress amongst it all for me somehow. I am moving somewhere. Just living in the moment seems to really help.
I feel all this is getting so old. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired of IF. I want my life back. And so I am trying really hard to live in the day. I'm also switching off my computer during the day as I can be an internet-junkie if not careful. Although Dailystrength is a great place to turn to - daily - I do think I can overuse it. Also I find if I switch off my computer and just focus on what needs to be done - then I do just that. I've started decluttering the house. Today I spent some time sorting out our daughter's bedroom - packing away clothes she's outgrown, and sorting out her toys and bookcase. I said to my husband it's time Peter Rabbit left her room now she's three. So in time I'll look for some bright coloured posters with the alphabet or shapes or something educational/preschool-like for her.
I feel as though even though I do not like it one bit - I am moving into a greater place of acceptance around my situation. My daughter loves watching DVDs of herself. We have two - one of her first year and one of her around eighteen months/her recent birthday party. She loves watching herself as a baby. I have noted that as well as thinking I may never get to experience another baby in our home again, I am also thinking, I got to experience a baby growing up in our home. I have been fortunate enough to be an at-home Mum for three years. And watching the DVD footage it is obvious that the bond between my daughter and I is very strong and has been from the start. I have no regrets as far as parenting goes.
I have a "problem" outside of IF right now which involves a personality clash. It is nice to have a different problem that I need to sort out!
My conclusion today - as I said to a friend (who had IF issues the first time round, but conceived her second naturally and is due next week) is that obviously I cannot do anything around my fertility right now. So I may as well just use this time to heal. I am thinking of going the "alternate" way again. Maybe acupuncture or even to see a "healer". (the same friend recommended someone). I will definitely get a massage too asap - once the bank balance allows it.
I feel there is progress amongst it all for me somehow. I am moving somewhere. Just living in the moment seems to really help.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Living in the present
I really tried hard today to live in the Now. I really did. It was the last day at Playgroup for the head teacher which was very sad. She is an amazing woman and has really been there for me over the last few weeks around my daughter's behavioural issues. I welled up a little. Playgroup certainly won't be the same without her.
There was a moment in which I was surrounded by four mum-of-twos (MOTs) at Playgroup. I was the lone Mum-of-one (Moo) and after yesterdays news of my non-ovulation - I just wanted to bail out of there. I mean how in my face does my secondary IF have to be? Also at Playgroup, my neighbours seven month old recognised me and started crawling towards me. That tugged at my heart-strings big-time. Then the (former) Infertile who refused to disclose how she conceived baby no. 2 was there with her bump and all. Normally she asks how I'm going with TTC but today there was just an awkward silence. I was thinking God, you say you never give us more than we can handle, but come on!!
This afternoon I was determined to be as present with my daughter as possible after yesterdays write-off. I've started the ball rolling with toilet-training so we are spending the afternoons at home with her in her big girls undies, with lots of sits on the loo. (nothing deposited in there yet). So we entertained ourselves quite well and I felt much better being fully available to her.
I went to Bodybalance tonight - it's the class that combines Yoga/Pilates and Tai Chi. I had tears rolling down my cheeks in relaxation! I was quite surprised by that. A song was playing before that that really moved me and got me in touch with my grief around the baby we lost in December '06. I realised in the class that I do miss this baby. I thought with time, my loss would fade into the background. But actually the reverse has happened. As time passes, the gaping maternal hole is even more obvious - especially without another baby in the wings. So I think I do need to acknowledge this baby's death. There were candles in the class tonight and I thought maybe that's what I'll do - light a candle in the cathedral. I never realised until tonight that I didn't want to let go of this baby on one level for fear I might not have another baby. At least my ghost baby is better than no baby. It is hard to express, but it was a spiritual awareness of some sort tonight.
There was a moment in which I was surrounded by four mum-of-twos (MOTs) at Playgroup. I was the lone Mum-of-one (Moo) and after yesterdays news of my non-ovulation - I just wanted to bail out of there. I mean how in my face does my secondary IF have to be? Also at Playgroup, my neighbours seven month old recognised me and started crawling towards me. That tugged at my heart-strings big-time. Then the (former) Infertile who refused to disclose how she conceived baby no. 2 was there with her bump and all. Normally she asks how I'm going with TTC but today there was just an awkward silence. I was thinking God, you say you never give us more than we can handle, but come on!!
This afternoon I was determined to be as present with my daughter as possible after yesterdays write-off. I've started the ball rolling with toilet-training so we are spending the afternoons at home with her in her big girls undies, with lots of sits on the loo. (nothing deposited in there yet). So we entertained ourselves quite well and I felt much better being fully available to her.
I went to Bodybalance tonight - it's the class that combines Yoga/Pilates and Tai Chi. I had tears rolling down my cheeks in relaxation! I was quite surprised by that. A song was playing before that that really moved me and got me in touch with my grief around the baby we lost in December '06. I realised in the class that I do miss this baby. I thought with time, my loss would fade into the background. But actually the reverse has happened. As time passes, the gaping maternal hole is even more obvious - especially without another baby in the wings. So I think I do need to acknowledge this baby's death. There were candles in the class tonight and I thought maybe that's what I'll do - light a candle in the cathedral. I never realised until tonight that I didn't want to let go of this baby on one level for fear I might not have another baby. At least my ghost baby is better than no baby. It is hard to express, but it was a spiritual awareness of some sort tonight.
Moving towards acceptance
My Bodycombat class last night did do the trick, actually. I felt a lot better after that.
Yesterday I was consumed by my grief and was worried on some level that this would continue. However I did wake up today with some peace in my heart. As I mentioned yesterday, I figured I was either ovulating or not and cannot do much about it if I'm not. (which I'm not just in case you're tuning in at this point).
So I'm back to living in limbo-land around my fertility issues. I've decided I really want my infertility to take a back-seat at this time (if possible). It's like at a deeper level I'm getting that all I can do right now is live my life as best as I can on a daily basis - yep, the old One Day At A Time again. I don't want days like yesterday which take me out of my present and affect my enjoyment of life. I had a day in which I was mainly emotionally unavailable to my daughter and that's no good for Mothers Guilt (MG), let alone hugely unfair on my daughter.
I'm going to make an effort to slip mediation into my day more. I'm learning that can just be about sitting still for a few moments. I've really being clicking with Eckhart Tolle's spiritual teachings via the book Stillness Speaks. I know it works, living in the Now. A lot of peace can come out of embracing the present. So that's my challenge - to live in the Now rather in the What if? around my fertility.
"The human condition: lost in thought" from Stillness Speaks by Eckhart Tolle
Yesterday I was consumed by my grief and was worried on some level that this would continue. However I did wake up today with some peace in my heart. As I mentioned yesterday, I figured I was either ovulating or not and cannot do much about it if I'm not. (which I'm not just in case you're tuning in at this point).
So I'm back to living in limbo-land around my fertility issues. I've decided I really want my infertility to take a back-seat at this time (if possible). It's like at a deeper level I'm getting that all I can do right now is live my life as best as I can on a daily basis - yep, the old One Day At A Time again. I don't want days like yesterday which take me out of my present and affect my enjoyment of life. I had a day in which I was mainly emotionally unavailable to my daughter and that's no good for Mothers Guilt (MG), let alone hugely unfair on my daughter.
I'm going to make an effort to slip mediation into my day more. I'm learning that can just be about sitting still for a few moments. I've really being clicking with Eckhart Tolle's spiritual teachings via the book Stillness Speaks. I know it works, living in the Now. A lot of peace can come out of embracing the present. So that's my challenge - to live in the Now rather in the What if? around my fertility.
"The human condition: lost in thought" from Stillness Speaks by Eckhart Tolle
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Bloods in...
...I didn't ovulate.
I had to talk to the receptionist about it, even though my gyno was obviously there in the surgery. Argh! Anyway, he wants me to have a scan to check on my cyst found in December! Through the hospital! I asked how long will I have to wait - months? Hopefully not said the receptionist. Hmmm. Hopefully I can go privately for a scan if the wait is too long.
Apparently my gyno thinks the cyst might be affecting ovulation (if it's still there?), afterall and he doesn't want to increase the Clomid dosage until I've had a scan. For the love of...! I don't understand why I never had another scan before taking the Clomid. I've been given the go-ahead to continue with round two of Clomid but it's no doubt a waste of time. I'm very frustrated right now.
Just before I made the phone call to get the results I told myself I was powerless over ovulation - either I had or hadn't. There wasn't anything I could do about it. And that's about the size of it. I have to accept I am completely and utterly powerless. I cannot force a solution - it is completely out of my hands.
My much-needed cry is starting to spill out. I'll probably have a decent one when my husband gets home. Then after dinner I'm off to my Body Combat class to punch and kick away some of my frustrations.
I had to talk to the receptionist about it, even though my gyno was obviously there in the surgery. Argh! Anyway, he wants me to have a scan to check on my cyst found in December! Through the hospital! I asked how long will I have to wait - months? Hopefully not said the receptionist. Hmmm. Hopefully I can go privately for a scan if the wait is too long.
Apparently my gyno thinks the cyst might be affecting ovulation (if it's still there?), afterall and he doesn't want to increase the Clomid dosage until I've had a scan. For the love of...! I don't understand why I never had another scan before taking the Clomid. I've been given the go-ahead to continue with round two of Clomid but it's no doubt a waste of time. I'm very frustrated right now.
Just before I made the phone call to get the results I told myself I was powerless over ovulation - either I had or hadn't. There wasn't anything I could do about it. And that's about the size of it. I have to accept I am completely and utterly powerless. I cannot force a solution - it is completely out of my hands.
My much-needed cry is starting to spill out. I'll probably have a decent one when my husband gets home. Then after dinner I'm off to my Body Combat class to punch and kick away some of my frustrations.
Eckhart Tolle
I know a few women in the infertility communities on Dailystrength are reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. I don't have that book but have Stillness Speaks on my bookshelf. Today I opened it to:
Surrender comes when you no longer ask, "Why is this happening to me?"
Now that's something to aspire to!
Surrender comes when you no longer ask, "Why is this happening to me?"
Now that's something to aspire to!
Bummed out
I'm really feeling my feelings at the moment. There is some grief to process. I hate this part. I feel like I am somehow letting myself down - and others - when I'm right in my grief. I want to be optimistic and upbeat yet there are elements of IF that are incredibly frustrating.
Like I phoned my gyno surgery today to see if my blood results were in yet for last weeks progesterone test (which should reveal whether or not I ovulated). "You're jumping the gun" was the rude receptionists response. "With Easter, all blood results won't be in til late this afternoon. " Well excuse me for not being in sync with the way things run in your surgery! I explained I had started round two of Clomid, even though I don't have the blood results. If I had waited until the blood results were in, I would have missed a whole cycle. Infuriating! So if it turns out I didn't ovulate, and the dosage of Clomid needs to be upped, I may possibly have to stop taking the Clomid this cycle - I'm not sure. Fingers crossed I ovulated.
I feel like I need to have a wee cry before I can get excited (?) about the next round of Clomid. I find the times when the grief is really up there the most lonely. I wish I had someone to call who understood. But I have Dailystrength. At least I know the women in the infertility communities identify with me. I popped in on friend no.4 after my daughter's swimming lesson this morning but she was out. It's one of those times in which I'm meant to turn to God for the unconditional love and support I need right now. But sometimes it would be nice to talk to someone who gets it in person.
Like I phoned my gyno surgery today to see if my blood results were in yet for last weeks progesterone test (which should reveal whether or not I ovulated). "You're jumping the gun" was the rude receptionists response. "With Easter, all blood results won't be in til late this afternoon. " Well excuse me for not being in sync with the way things run in your surgery! I explained I had started round two of Clomid, even though I don't have the blood results. If I had waited until the blood results were in, I would have missed a whole cycle. Infuriating! So if it turns out I didn't ovulate, and the dosage of Clomid needs to be upped, I may possibly have to stop taking the Clomid this cycle - I'm not sure. Fingers crossed I ovulated.
I feel like I need to have a wee cry before I can get excited (?) about the next round of Clomid. I find the times when the grief is really up there the most lonely. I wish I had someone to call who understood. But I have Dailystrength. At least I know the women in the infertility communities identify with me. I popped in on friend no.4 after my daughter's swimming lesson this morning but she was out. It's one of those times in which I'm meant to turn to God for the unconditional love and support I need right now. But sometimes it would be nice to talk to someone who gets it in person.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Some residual grief
I have been feeling some grief today around my unsuccessful first round of Clomid. I guess it's only natural to feel some disappointment, fear, and hurt around it not working. However AF came naturally, and ovulation perhaps did occur (I don't know for sure) so I know it wasn't a complete write-off.
I'm determined to be as positive as possible at this time yet appreciate the assortment of feelings that come with infertility (IF) will continue and I cannot pretend I don't feel them when they come up. I know I was quite depressed for quite some time around my predicament and feel I have been fighting IF tooth and nail for the last few months. I'm hoping I have had my share of dark times with it all. From what I've read about IF, it sounds like going through a depressed phase is not at all uncommon.
Today I have felt vulnerable around Mum-of-twos (MOTs). I had the usual Playgroup overload this morning. This afternoon I bumped into a MOT I used to work with a few years ago with her four week old. I also sighted a (Dad-of-two) DOT-to-be that I know from my daughter's music classes. It is very hard to not have The Green-Eyed Monster flare up when you are faced with the very thing you want so badly. It's similar to the predicament of the broken-hearted who are plagued with love songs on the radio and sightings of loved-up couples everywhere.
Anything's possible came to mind today. I don't know the how's and when's or even the why's with all this. But my desired outcome is still possible. I just don't always believe that. I have three rounds of Clomid to take and will start round two tonight. At least AF is heavy enough to be a period and isn't just spotting and came naturally. I'm grateful for that much today.
I'm determined to be as positive as possible at this time yet appreciate the assortment of feelings that come with infertility (IF) will continue and I cannot pretend I don't feel them when they come up. I know I was quite depressed for quite some time around my predicament and feel I have been fighting IF tooth and nail for the last few months. I'm hoping I have had my share of dark times with it all. From what I've read about IF, it sounds like going through a depressed phase is not at all uncommon.
Today I have felt vulnerable around Mum-of-twos (MOTs). I had the usual Playgroup overload this morning. This afternoon I bumped into a MOT I used to work with a few years ago with her four week old. I also sighted a (Dad-of-two) DOT-to-be that I know from my daughter's music classes. It is very hard to not have The Green-Eyed Monster flare up when you are faced with the very thing you want so badly. It's similar to the predicament of the broken-hearted who are plagued with love songs on the radio and sightings of loved-up couples everywhere.
Anything's possible came to mind today. I don't know the how's and when's or even the why's with all this. But my desired outcome is still possible. I just don't always believe that. I have three rounds of Clomid to take and will start round two tonight. At least AF is heavy enough to be a period and isn't just spotting and came naturally. I'm grateful for that much today.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Day 25 and AF arrived
What a surprise to find that AF had arrived this morning! Obviously I'm not pregnant and am still unsure as to whether or not I ovulated. My temperature is up and down, similar to the wonky cycles I've had for months.
So this means I'm off to the pharmacy tomorrow morning to pick up round two of Clomid. I will probably get an ovulation predictor kit this time round too. Once again I will have to have a decent bleed to take the Clomid so will see what tomorrow brings.
I'm kind of numb. Surprised to get AF at day 25 but then relieved she came naturally. Pre-motherhood I used to get AF about now - always a few days before day 28. I'm trying to just be in the moment and to not jump to any conclusions in my head as I don't know what's going on.
This whole TTC with IF issues is one big waiting-game. Waiting for blood results, waiting to hear from or see health professionals, waiting for AF or being in the 2ww. And then there's the timing. If Clomid didn't work for me or the dosage is too low, I won't find out til after taking round two of Clomid.
Sigh. It's a time of patience and faith in God. I will not go there - is my personal mantra at this time. I may or may not stick to that...
So this means I'm off to the pharmacy tomorrow morning to pick up round two of Clomid. I will probably get an ovulation predictor kit this time round too. Once again I will have to have a decent bleed to take the Clomid so will see what tomorrow brings.
I'm kind of numb. Surprised to get AF at day 25 but then relieved she came naturally. Pre-motherhood I used to get AF about now - always a few days before day 28. I'm trying to just be in the moment and to not jump to any conclusions in my head as I don't know what's going on.
This whole TTC with IF issues is one big waiting-game. Waiting for blood results, waiting to hear from or see health professionals, waiting for AF or being in the 2ww. And then there's the timing. If Clomid didn't work for me or the dosage is too low, I won't find out til after taking round two of Clomid.
Sigh. It's a time of patience and faith in God. I will not go there - is my personal mantra at this time. I may or may not stick to that...
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Goodbye baby years - for now
Our daughter's third birthday party went well yesterday. She had lots of fun and was quite chuffed with her Blues Clues cake. One Mum commented at least with one child I only have one lot of birthday parties to worry about but to be honest I love organising my daughter's birthday parties and would cherish planning more than one a year. I've still a lot to learn around making cakes but am enjoying upping the ante slightly every year. (admittedly I had the help of my husband and sister-in-law this year.)
Today our visitors left. Our daughter wasn't as sad as we thought she might be since she had the best week with her cousin. I really enjoyed having another child in the house and it's certainly a lot quieter round here now we're back to our one-child family. In a way I feel as though I saw a lot less of our daughter this week as she was so busy hanging out with her cousin.
This week has shown me that a Mum-of-two (MOT) has quite a different relationship with her kids than a Mum-of-one. (MOO). As a partial MOT I felt as though I was in more of a supervisory role whereas as a MOO I am very often my daughter's playmate as well as guardian. I enjoyed buzzing around in the background as a MOT and keeping two littlies stimulated and happy. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy knowing the two little girls were
content. I loved the challenge of keeping them entertained and playing well together. I didn't have to change activities as frequently as my daughter's attention span was longer with an older child to imitate and play alongside. Although I interacted with the two girls a lot, they certainly were able to play together for quite large chunks of time, just coming to me for attention when desired.
As a MOO I often feel like I'm not enough for my daughter and have to work hard at keeping the day interesting and varied. But as a MOO I feel closer in some respects to my daughter and I did miss the intensity of our relationship this week. I really feel like I'm her everything and there is some pressure to keep things fresh and exciting. As a MOT the pressure was taken off considerably, and our day-to-day outings became a lot more interesting with another child in the picture.
At work today three lots of babies came in including twins. The baby sightings really pulled at my heart-strings as I am feeling some grief around saying goodbye to the baby years now our daughter is three.
I'm trying to be optimistic but I'm day 24 in my cycle and my temperature is low, indicating ovulation probably hasn't occurred and a pregnancy very unlikely. For a couple of days I was starting to have faith that maybe, just maybe I could conceive again. But today I'm feeling like my baby dreams are quite out of reach. I don't want to go there just yet about the Clomid failing. I find taking this all One Day At A Time is the only way to go. Getting all depressed and hopeless won't help the outcome. All I can do is try my best to stay in the present and believe that God has it all worked out for me.
Today our visitors left. Our daughter wasn't as sad as we thought she might be since she had the best week with her cousin. I really enjoyed having another child in the house and it's certainly a lot quieter round here now we're back to our one-child family. In a way I feel as though I saw a lot less of our daughter this week as she was so busy hanging out with her cousin.
This week has shown me that a Mum-of-two (MOT) has quite a different relationship with her kids than a Mum-of-one. (MOO). As a partial MOT I felt as though I was in more of a supervisory role whereas as a MOO I am very often my daughter's playmate as well as guardian. I enjoyed buzzing around in the background as a MOT and keeping two littlies stimulated and happy. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy knowing the two little girls were
content. I loved the challenge of keeping them entertained and playing well together. I didn't have to change activities as frequently as my daughter's attention span was longer with an older child to imitate and play alongside. Although I interacted with the two girls a lot, they certainly were able to play together for quite large chunks of time, just coming to me for attention when desired.
As a MOO I often feel like I'm not enough for my daughter and have to work hard at keeping the day interesting and varied. But as a MOO I feel closer in some respects to my daughter and I did miss the intensity of our relationship this week. I really feel like I'm her everything and there is some pressure to keep things fresh and exciting. As a MOT the pressure was taken off considerably, and our day-to-day outings became a lot more interesting with another child in the picture.
At work today three lots of babies came in including twins. The baby sightings really pulled at my heart-strings as I am feeling some grief around saying goodbye to the baby years now our daughter is three.
I'm trying to be optimistic but I'm day 24 in my cycle and my temperature is low, indicating ovulation probably hasn't occurred and a pregnancy very unlikely. For a couple of days I was starting to have faith that maybe, just maybe I could conceive again. But today I'm feeling like my baby dreams are quite out of reach. I don't want to go there just yet about the Clomid failing. I find taking this all One Day At A Time is the only way to go. Getting all depressed and hopeless won't help the outcome. All I can do is try my best to stay in the present and believe that God has it all worked out for me.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
18 months of TTC
Today our daughter turned three! I can't believe we have a three year old! She seems so very grown-up. Like walking down the road yesterday and holding hands with her cousin to get an icecream at the dairy. She's had an excellent day with her cousin going out for lunch and playing in the local wave pool. I'm very much the proud Mummy and am enjoying planning her wee birthday party for Saturday morning. There will be five little people all up including her which will be loads of fun.
We started TTC again when our daughter was eighteen months old so that means half her life has been about - well, this. When in Wellington recently a friend commented that it wasn't that long - a year and a half of trying for a baby. It is and it isn't. It is when time isn't on your side with age and the probable onset of perimenopause. But the in grand scheme of things, it's a small slice of time.
Regardless of how long this goes on for, IF is a condition that definitely affects the mind, body and soul and it has taken me all my strength to get to a good place with it all. I truly feel like I'm there today. Back to living life in the moment. Perhaps eighteen months of TTC is my milestone for turning it all around.
We started TTC again when our daughter was eighteen months old so that means half her life has been about - well, this. When in Wellington recently a friend commented that it wasn't that long - a year and a half of trying for a baby. It is and it isn't. It is when time isn't on your side with age and the probable onset of perimenopause. But the in grand scheme of things, it's a small slice of time.
Regardless of how long this goes on for, IF is a condition that definitely affects the mind, body and soul and it has taken me all my strength to get to a good place with it all. I truly feel like I'm there today. Back to living life in the moment. Perhaps eighteen months of TTC is my milestone for turning it all around.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Living in the moment
I had my second counseling session last night. I shed some tears again but no big cries as I do feel a lot more at peace with things right now. I've realised that peace for me comes only when I embrace my present. So I have been making a conscious effort to connect with the God of my understanding in as many quiet moments as possible. It is basically a form of meditation - allowing myself to be still and quiet as I take in my surrounds.
At the same time I appreciate my desire to have another child is very strong and will remain a part of my being for now. I have really enjoyed having our niece here this week and having moments here and there of looking after two girls. It's like I get to pretend to be a mother-of-two (MOT) and I love it!
My feeling is ovulation hasn't happened. I'm day 20 in my cycle and still no temperature rise. Tomorrow I'm going in for a day 21 progesterone blood test so hopefully those results may shed some light on where things are at.
At the same time I appreciate my desire to have another child is very strong and will remain a part of my being for now. I have really enjoyed having our niece here this week and having moments here and there of looking after two girls. It's like I get to pretend to be a mother-of-two (MOT) and I love it!
My feeling is ovulation hasn't happened. I'm day 20 in my cycle and still no temperature rise. Tomorrow I'm going in for a day 21 progesterone blood test so hopefully those results may shed some light on where things are at.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
One Day At A Time
I'm not sure if I did ovulate or not. I'm on day 19 in my cycle and so far I haven't had a temperature rise (thought admittedly I didn't start recording my temperature til day 15). A lot of the hormonal/perimenopausal symptoms I've experienced over the last few months are very similar to pregnancy symptoms such as sore boobs and milky cervical mucus so who knows which way this cycle is headed. All I can do is wait.
I feel like I'm back to taking it all One Day At A Time. I am powerless over my cycle, and am doing all I can right now to fight infertility, so it's time to let it go. I have so much more peace when I do that. I have been enjoying the lovely hot Nelson weather the last couple of days and being in the moment a lot more.
Our guests aren't staying with us tonight - and perhaps not tomorrow night either. Our daughter is like a shadow to her five-year old cousin and her lip comes out when either they aren't here or we head off somewhere different. If another sibling doesn't come along, she has this cousin and several others to form bonds with. But seeing her so happy and so entertained with a constant child-companion does throw the whole two-child-family-dream in my face.
I feel like I'm back to taking it all One Day At A Time. I am powerless over my cycle, and am doing all I can right now to fight infertility, so it's time to let it go. I have so much more peace when I do that. I have been enjoying the lovely hot Nelson weather the last couple of days and being in the moment a lot more.
Our guests aren't staying with us tonight - and perhaps not tomorrow night either. Our daughter is like a shadow to her five-year old cousin and her lip comes out when either they aren't here or we head off somewhere different. If another sibling doesn't come along, she has this cousin and several others to form bonds with. But seeing her so happy and so entertained with a constant child-companion does throw the whole two-child-family-dream in my face.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Bosom buddies
Our family from out-of-town arrived yesterday afternoon and all is going very well. Our daughter is besotted with her five year old cousin and is having a ball. It is so much easier when she has someone else to play with - that she gets on with too! The girls have been buzzing around, enjoying each others company. This morning our daughter resisted going to see her best buddy up the road even because her cousin wasn't coming. Times like this just reaffirm that yes, I so want our daughter to have a sibling although admittedly I think she'd rather an older than a younger sibling at this point!
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Grumpy and tired
It's time for an early night. I feel overloaded emotionally as there seems to be so much on my (emotional) plate right now. I was thinking today I must remember to make the time in my day for prayer and meditation. Every now and then that conscious contact with God slips out of my daily life and then I wonder why I'm operating in overwhelm all over again. With God in the picture, I find I am equipped to face whatever is going on.
Today we went for a family trip into town to buy presents for our daughter's third birthday on Thursday. We bumped into friends who have three children and their third child was conceived on Clomid. I do know of a few success stories here in Nelson and it's always nice to be reminded of them. My friend was talking about getting to the gym and how difficult it is coordinating times with three kids. I said it was pretty easy for us, given it's just our daughter we have to worry about.
The other night my husband and I talked briefly about the possibility of a baby in the house again. I loved the baby years; my husband not so much. He summed it up by saying "But it's just getting good" in reference to our near-three year old.
It's true, life is a lot easier as a parent these days. We are challenged (and always will be, no doubt) but our daughter's independence frees us up a lot. Like today she walked around town with us. We left the buggy in the car. And this afternoon we all got our bikes out and did laps down our driveway. (though our daughter is reluctant to use the pedals at this stage). I'm planning her birthday party for next Saturday which is fun. Three feels like quite the milestone and like a real farewell to the baby years. In some ways I am sad as I may not get to experience those days again. Then on the other hand I think if there isn't another baby coming, that's it, I've done the under-three era for good.
Tomorrow we have family coming to stay with us for the week - my husband's brother, wife and their five-year old daughter, who is also an only child. It will be nice for the girls to spend a week together as cousin time is rare since they live a fair distance apart.
Today we went for a family trip into town to buy presents for our daughter's third birthday on Thursday. We bumped into friends who have three children and their third child was conceived on Clomid. I do know of a few success stories here in Nelson and it's always nice to be reminded of them. My friend was talking about getting to the gym and how difficult it is coordinating times with three kids. I said it was pretty easy for us, given it's just our daughter we have to worry about.
The other night my husband and I talked briefly about the possibility of a baby in the house again. I loved the baby years; my husband not so much. He summed it up by saying "But it's just getting good" in reference to our near-three year old.
It's true, life is a lot easier as a parent these days. We are challenged (and always will be, no doubt) but our daughter's independence frees us up a lot. Like today she walked around town with us. We left the buggy in the car. And this afternoon we all got our bikes out and did laps down our driveway. (though our daughter is reluctant to use the pedals at this stage). I'm planning her birthday party for next Saturday which is fun. Three feels like quite the milestone and like a real farewell to the baby years. In some ways I am sad as I may not get to experience those days again. Then on the other hand I think if there isn't another baby coming, that's it, I've done the under-three era for good.
Tomorrow we have family coming to stay with us for the week - my husband's brother, wife and their five-year old daughter, who is also an only child. It will be nice for the girls to spend a week together as cousin time is rare since they live a fair distance apart.
Friday, March 14, 2008
The long-term affects of infertility
I'm beginning to think that the longer you are in the infertility game, the more likely other aspects of your life come under threat. What I mean by that is the grind of infertility takes away your dreams and hopes, and affects relationships with your nearest and dearest - if you let it.
A few months back I recognised I was at crisis point and have been working hard to turn things round. But I am still challenged by a lot of my personal stuff that seems to have been unearthed during this time of uncertainty in my life. I feel a lot stronger these days but kind of like I have all my balls in the air and am having to regroup them all before they can land, if that makes sense.
Infertility has forced me to reassess many aspects of my life. This seems to be coinciding with turning 40 in August. I know when I turned 30 I went through a big internal overhaul and it feels as though a similar process is going on now.
I feel at this stage in my life I have more self-honesty than ever as well as the confidence and focus to put some dreams into action, if I really want to. It's all good. I know I will come out of this stronger, lighter, and more content - eventually.
I commented to friend no.1 today in an email that I think I am getting my why answered with secondary infertility - as in why is this happening to me? It's because it's a time of healing and growth. I wouldn't be going through all this had I become pregnant in a flash. God is definitely in the equation. Nothing happens in his world by mistake - He knows how to push my buttons and they are certainly being pushed right now!
A few months back I recognised I was at crisis point and have been working hard to turn things round. But I am still challenged by a lot of my personal stuff that seems to have been unearthed during this time of uncertainty in my life. I feel a lot stronger these days but kind of like I have all my balls in the air and am having to regroup them all before they can land, if that makes sense.
Infertility has forced me to reassess many aspects of my life. This seems to be coinciding with turning 40 in August. I know when I turned 30 I went through a big internal overhaul and it feels as though a similar process is going on now.
I feel at this stage in my life I have more self-honesty than ever as well as the confidence and focus to put some dreams into action, if I really want to. It's all good. I know I will come out of this stronger, lighter, and more content - eventually.
I commented to friend no.1 today in an email that I think I am getting my why answered with secondary infertility - as in why is this happening to me? It's because it's a time of healing and growth. I wouldn't be going through all this had I become pregnant in a flash. God is definitely in the equation. Nothing happens in his world by mistake - He knows how to push my buttons and they are certainly being pushed right now!
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Fertile mucus in the house!
Well it looks as though ovulation may be happening as I am on day 14 in my cycle and I have fertile mucus! I am pretty darn sure I do, anyway. Given it's day 14 and around the time ovulation should occur, it's very likely. When TTC the first time round I was very textbook with my cycles, ovulating round about now. So I'm taking it as a good sign.
It has been a tiring week of er, getting busy. Hard to find the energy when already busy parents and all that. Perhaps our efforts might pay off. Though at this stage I'll be happy to just be ovulating.
It has been a tiring week of er, getting busy. Hard to find the energy when already busy parents and all that. Perhaps our efforts might pay off. Though at this stage I'll be happy to just be ovulating.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Living with a ghost
Today I feel quite lost. When I had my counseling session a few weeks back I cried a river for the baby we lost at six weeks in Dec '06. I never realised quite how much grief was there. Since the big cry I've clicked that I have been living with a ghost. I don't do it on purpose, but there is often a feeling that she (I always thought I'd have two girls but who knows about the gender) should have been here. - that I was meant to have a six month old daughter at this point in time. So there is a bit of hole where my love for her started during my very short pregnancy. The problem is my love for her never stopped. Sometimes I think that was my last shot at motherhood.
I feel lost as a part of me thinks I should be caring for a baby right now. It is only natural, afterall, that another baby should come along. It might or might not happen. So I am focusing my energy on other things outside of family life like the gym and my new job while a big part of me wants to just nest and look after all her chicks.
When others have shared about miscarriages in the past, before I had one, I could not identify with their grief. It is almost indescribable and only those who've experienced it can truly empathise, I believe. It feels like a spiritual loss somehow - now I understand why some women refer to their babies that didn't make it as angels.
I have to be honest with myself at this point as the infertility deal is starting to feed into other aspects of my life. Now I will have to look at the big picture in counseling (next session is next Tuesday). It is way too personal and complex for even this blog - just trust for now that several layers of the proverbial onion are being worked through right now. Seems for me infertility has forced me to look very closely at my life and to work out what I want from it. I know another baby would delay having to look at some things that I'd rather not look at and because that hasn't happened, I'm having to do that now.
I know it's a good thing and I feel as though I am moving somewhere with it all albeit slowly.
I feel lost as a part of me thinks I should be caring for a baby right now. It is only natural, afterall, that another baby should come along. It might or might not happen. So I am focusing my energy on other things outside of family life like the gym and my new job while a big part of me wants to just nest and look after all her chicks.
When others have shared about miscarriages in the past, before I had one, I could not identify with their grief. It is almost indescribable and only those who've experienced it can truly empathise, I believe. It feels like a spiritual loss somehow - now I understand why some women refer to their babies that didn't make it as angels.
I have to be honest with myself at this point as the infertility deal is starting to feed into other aspects of my life. Now I will have to look at the big picture in counseling (next session is next Tuesday). It is way too personal and complex for even this blog - just trust for now that several layers of the proverbial onion are being worked through right now. Seems for me infertility has forced me to look very closely at my life and to work out what I want from it. I know another baby would delay having to look at some things that I'd rather not look at and because that hasn't happened, I'm having to do that now.
I know it's a good thing and I feel as though I am moving somewhere with it all albeit slowly.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Feeling okay
I took my daughter to Playgroup today and was faced with the usual mix of babies and bumps. What is it about babies that is so irresistible? I certainly didn't think all babies were cute before motherhood but now the sight of any baby seems to start my biological clock ticking. Since I have had and continue to have the pleasure of being a mother, it is hard to not look at other Mums with their babies or growing bumps and to not be reminded of the intensity of early motherhood. It is a bond like nothing I've ever experienced. I suppose that is why it is difficult for me at times to watch others getting another chance to experience motherhood. My daughter turns three next week and her baby days are long gone. She is no longer a toddler either. She is definitely in the preschool zone.
But I feel okay. I feel I am doing all I can around TTC. It's in Gods hands. I do trust God with the outcome too as the further I get into this waiting game, the more that is revealed behind my previous desperate desire to have another child. I'm not desperate now, but still looking forward to the day I get an answer or a conclusion of some sort.
But I feel okay. I feel I am doing all I can around TTC. It's in Gods hands. I do trust God with the outcome too as the further I get into this waiting game, the more that is revealed behind my previous desperate desire to have another child. I'm not desperate now, but still looking forward to the day I get an answer or a conclusion of some sort.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Praying for ovulation to happen
I'm day 11 on my first decent cycle in about six months thanks to Provera. My period was very normal and I certainly felt a lot better having one - like a real woman all over again.
So it's time to get busy, if you know what I mean over the next few nights. ;) I haven't bought any ovulation indicator sticks or anything. I will just wing it this time round. I'm pretty good at checking my cervical mucus. When we were TTC for our daughter my fertile mucus was very obvious. That's when I knew something was wrong months ago when TTC the 2nd time round as my mucus went all wierd which was a strong indicator I wasn't ovulating.
I had a couple of drinks at friend no.3's wedding in Wellington so hope that's not going to affect the Clomid. I read on the Net that perhaps drinking while on Clomid wasn't a good thing. I did hum and ha about that as I'm not even much of a drinker. But since my husband and I were on our first proper date out in quite a while, I thought what the hell. And it was only two drinks. Anyway, it's only my first round on Clomid. Fingers crossed though!
So it's time to get busy, if you know what I mean over the next few nights. ;) I haven't bought any ovulation indicator sticks or anything. I will just wing it this time round. I'm pretty good at checking my cervical mucus. When we were TTC for our daughter my fertile mucus was very obvious. That's when I knew something was wrong months ago when TTC the 2nd time round as my mucus went all wierd which was a strong indicator I wasn't ovulating.
I had a couple of drinks at friend no.3's wedding in Wellington so hope that's not going to affect the Clomid. I read on the Net that perhaps drinking while on Clomid wasn't a good thing. I did hum and ha about that as I'm not even much of a drinker. But since my husband and I were on our first proper date out in quite a while, I thought what the hell. And it was only two drinks. Anyway, it's only my first round on Clomid. Fingers crossed though!
Sunday, March 9, 2008
No side effects on the Clomid
We got back from Wellington late this afternoon. It was a great week away for my daughter and myself. We kept ourselves busy catching up with a friend a day, and doing lots of big city things like the zoo, museum and cafes as planned as well as having a couple of precious days of "Nana time." My husband flew to Wellington on Friday night and we enjoyed our first evening out in two years (!) - as in dressing up and going out - when we went to friend no.3's wedding on Saturday night leaving our daughter with my Mum. Even though we left at 10pm, we managed to have a few dances - it was like a proper date! Friend no. 3's wedding was lovely and I shed a few tears during the ceremony and speeches.
My week away was so full and so varied, I didn't have much time to think, which was good for me, I think. Even though the whole can-you-have-another-one? deal was touched on by almost all my friends in Wellington, who are all aware of my secondary infertility battle, it was fine. I was afterall catching up with friends who know me pretty well, and that I have a reasonably long history with. Most of them had never met my daughter so it was the first time in three years or more I'd seen most of them.
I finished my first round of Clomid in Wellington and don't think I had any side effects which was a huge relief as I had been a little worried that I might go nuts on it! It was only 50mg, so not a high dosage. I did have some moments of churning emotions while taking the Clomid but am not convinced there was a connection.
The feeling I've had for a while of being in limbo-land was strong in Wellington. It feels so wrong in some ways that a baby didn't come along when I expected and I still feel quite lost as I play the waiting-game. Being in my home town brought up a whole barrage of feelings. I was reminded of who I am, and who I was in the past and seeing old friends was good for me as they of course have known me in many carnations - not just as a mother.
I feel I once again gained some more perspective around my life right now. There is nothing like going to a wedding and being part of such a joyful celebration to remember that our relationships in life ought to be cherished - the ones we have today. Although I feel directionless in some respects with my "maybe baby" status, I feel stronger within myself. I certainly want to life my life to the fullest and don't want to be dragged down by secondary infertility. Since taking the Provera and then Clomid, I have felt more balanced emotionally. I'm not sure if it's because of where I'm at emotionally or because of the medication. Perhaps a combination of both. Whatever the reason, it sure beats the constant navel-gazing.
My week away was so full and so varied, I didn't have much time to think, which was good for me, I think. Even though the whole can-you-have-another-one? deal was touched on by almost all my friends in Wellington, who are all aware of my secondary infertility battle, it was fine. I was afterall catching up with friends who know me pretty well, and that I have a reasonably long history with. Most of them had never met my daughter so it was the first time in three years or more I'd seen most of them.
I finished my first round of Clomid in Wellington and don't think I had any side effects which was a huge relief as I had been a little worried that I might go nuts on it! It was only 50mg, so not a high dosage. I did have some moments of churning emotions while taking the Clomid but am not convinced there was a connection.
The feeling I've had for a while of being in limbo-land was strong in Wellington. It feels so wrong in some ways that a baby didn't come along when I expected and I still feel quite lost as I play the waiting-game. Being in my home town brought up a whole barrage of feelings. I was reminded of who I am, and who I was in the past and seeing old friends was good for me as they of course have known me in many carnations - not just as a mother.
I feel I once again gained some more perspective around my life right now. There is nothing like going to a wedding and being part of such a joyful celebration to remember that our relationships in life ought to be cherished - the ones we have today. Although I feel directionless in some respects with my "maybe baby" status, I feel stronger within myself. I certainly want to life my life to the fullest and don't want to be dragged down by secondary infertility. Since taking the Provera and then Clomid, I have felt more balanced emotionally. I'm not sure if it's because of where I'm at emotionally or because of the medication. Perhaps a combination of both. Whatever the reason, it sure beats the constant navel-gazing.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Clomid a go go
Well the Provera worked! Yes, I am in the midst of my first proper menstrual cycle in a very long time. I have to say, I certainly feel like I've got my period. My skin is normally great and I got a spot a couple of days ago. I know that sounds pathetic but it's been a good sign for me that all is on track as when I had regular cycles, I used to get just the one zit. I continue to feel bloated and just grotty in general. I even climbed into my trackie pants on Friday night - just like the good old TOM days!
So I started Clomid today, being day two of my cycle. I'm taking it daily for the next five days. So far so good - it's 6.30pm and I took the first pill at 8.30am. I am extremely exhausted though but that is just a consequence of a busy week, I'd say.
My daughter and I are off to Wellington first thing in the morning. It's only a half-hour flight so no biggie and a good distance to travel with an antsy almost-three year old. Wellington is my home-town so has a very special place in my heart. I'm looking forward to catching up with my Mum and her partner (who we're staying with) and several friends in the capital city. My husband comes up at the end of the week on the Friday night for the weekend - we're going to friend no.2's wedding on Saturday and then flying home together on Sunday.
I have to say I've been feeling a bit of MOTO (Mum-of-two-overload) lately. So much so that when I had my toe x-ray on Friday morning and my daughter hinted she'd like to feed the ducks across the road I decided to go for that option rather than rushing to Music. It is the first time in all of this that I have strongly felt like not being around MOTs. I have friends that go to Music and a couple who are MOTs yet I was on MOT-strike on Friday! And I ended up having a lovely time with my daughter. We went to a cafe and just chilled out for a bit. We then went shopping and then she had a dental appointment.
I think I've done pretty well maintaining my daughter's groups that are littered with MOTs so I certainly am going to forgive myself for acknowledging my MOTO and giving myself a wee time-out. It's not like she had a bad time either - we both enjoyed the change in routine.
For the second time this week I got asked You're not pregnant, are you? when I got my toe x-rayed. I knew it was coming this time of course. And today when I got my hair cut and coloured my blonde twenty-something hairdresser asked me Do you think you'll have any more children? to which I replied I'd like to. We'll see. A few seconds passed and I said brightly What a lovely sunflower! upon genuine admiration of a flower arrangement.
MOT's are everywhere! One from Playgroup works at the salon I go to. And every time I go to the salon I see at least one MOT I know out there. Today it was a MOT from antenatal class. She said she had to run as her baby was outside (being pushed around by a relative). Sure enough I looked out in the window in time to see her scooping up her blonde baby boy in her arms.
I don't feel greatly depressed by the MOTs. Just sick of them. Do they have to be everywhere? Even at my gym class on Wednesday there was a bump. It's my time-out for goodness sakes - can't the bumps go to their own classes?! (Of course if I become a bump I plan to keep going to the gym - I am a woman with double-standards, afterall!) Thankfully only two friends out of the half dozen friends or so I plan to catch up with in Wellington are MOTs. (and one is a Mum-of-three).
Anyway, I better go and pack and get myself sorted as we leave first thing in the morning. I won't be online for a week so I'll look forward to catching you all next weekend. Thanks for those who have been rooting for me as such. The Provera worked so that's a good positive precursor to the Clomid.
So I started Clomid today, being day two of my cycle. I'm taking it daily for the next five days. So far so good - it's 6.30pm and I took the first pill at 8.30am. I am extremely exhausted though but that is just a consequence of a busy week, I'd say.
My daughter and I are off to Wellington first thing in the morning. It's only a half-hour flight so no biggie and a good distance to travel with an antsy almost-three year old. Wellington is my home-town so has a very special place in my heart. I'm looking forward to catching up with my Mum and her partner (who we're staying with) and several friends in the capital city. My husband comes up at the end of the week on the Friday night for the weekend - we're going to friend no.2's wedding on Saturday and then flying home together on Sunday.
I have to say I've been feeling a bit of MOTO (Mum-of-two-overload) lately. So much so that when I had my toe x-ray on Friday morning and my daughter hinted she'd like to feed the ducks across the road I decided to go for that option rather than rushing to Music. It is the first time in all of this that I have strongly felt like not being around MOTs. I have friends that go to Music and a couple who are MOTs yet I was on MOT-strike on Friday! And I ended up having a lovely time with my daughter. We went to a cafe and just chilled out for a bit. We then went shopping and then she had a dental appointment.
I think I've done pretty well maintaining my daughter's groups that are littered with MOTs so I certainly am going to forgive myself for acknowledging my MOTO and giving myself a wee time-out. It's not like she had a bad time either - we both enjoyed the change in routine.
For the second time this week I got asked You're not pregnant, are you? when I got my toe x-rayed. I knew it was coming this time of course. And today when I got my hair cut and coloured my blonde twenty-something hairdresser asked me Do you think you'll have any more children? to which I replied I'd like to. We'll see. A few seconds passed and I said brightly What a lovely sunflower! upon genuine admiration of a flower arrangement.
MOT's are everywhere! One from Playgroup works at the salon I go to. And every time I go to the salon I see at least one MOT I know out there. Today it was a MOT from antenatal class. She said she had to run as her baby was outside (being pushed around by a relative). Sure enough I looked out in the window in time to see her scooping up her blonde baby boy in her arms.
I don't feel greatly depressed by the MOTs. Just sick of them. Do they have to be everywhere? Even at my gym class on Wednesday there was a bump. It's my time-out for goodness sakes - can't the bumps go to their own classes?! (Of course if I become a bump I plan to keep going to the gym - I am a woman with double-standards, afterall!) Thankfully only two friends out of the half dozen friends or so I plan to catch up with in Wellington are MOTs. (and one is a Mum-of-three).
Anyway, I better go and pack and get myself sorted as we leave first thing in the morning. I won't be online for a week so I'll look forward to catching you all next weekend. Thanks for those who have been rooting for me as such. The Provera worked so that's a good positive precursor to the Clomid.
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