We got back from Wellington late this afternoon. It was a great week away for my daughter and myself. We kept ourselves busy catching up with a friend a day, and doing lots of big city things like the zoo, museum and cafes as planned as well as having a couple of precious days of "Nana time." My husband flew to Wellington on Friday night and we enjoyed our first evening out in two years (!) - as in dressing up and going out - when we went to friend no.3's wedding on Saturday night leaving our daughter with my Mum. Even though we left at 10pm, we managed to have a few dances - it was like a proper date! Friend no. 3's wedding was lovely and I shed a few tears during the ceremony and speeches.
My week away was so full and so varied, I didn't have much time to think, which was good for me, I think. Even though the whole can-you-have-another-one? deal was touched on by almost all my friends in Wellington, who are all aware of my secondary infertility battle, it was fine. I was afterall catching up with friends who know me pretty well, and that I have a reasonably long history with. Most of them had never met my daughter so it was the first time in three years or more I'd seen most of them.
I finished my first round of Clomid in Wellington and don't think I had any side effects which was a huge relief as I had been a little worried that I might go nuts on it! It was only 50mg, so not a high dosage. I did have some moments of churning emotions while taking the Clomid but am not convinced there was a connection.
The feeling I've had for a while of being in limbo-land was strong in Wellington. It feels so wrong in some ways that a baby didn't come along when I expected and I still feel quite lost as I play the waiting-game. Being in my home town brought up a whole barrage of feelings. I was reminded of who I am, and who I was in the past and seeing old friends was good for me as they of course have known me in many carnations - not just as a mother.
I feel I once again gained some more perspective around my life right now. There is nothing like going to a wedding and being part of such a joyful celebration to remember that our relationships in life ought to be cherished - the ones we have today. Although I feel directionless in some respects with my "maybe baby" status, I feel stronger within myself. I certainly want to life my life to the fullest and don't want to be dragged down by secondary infertility. Since taking the Provera and then Clomid, I have felt more balanced emotionally. I'm not sure if it's because of where I'm at emotionally or because of the medication. Perhaps a combination of both. Whatever the reason, it sure beats the constant navel-gazing.
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