Living in the present

I really tried hard today to live in the Now. I really did. It was the last day at Playgroup for the head teacher which was very sad. She is an amazing woman and has really been there for me over the last few weeks around my daughter's behavioural issues. I welled up a little. Playgroup certainly won't be the same without her.

There was a moment in which I was surrounded by four mum-of-twos (MOTs) at Playgroup. I was the lone Mum-of-one (Moo) and after yesterdays news of my non-ovulation - I just wanted to bail out of there. I mean how in my face does my secondary IF have to be? Also at Playgroup, my neighbours seven month old recognised me and started crawling towards me. That tugged at my heart-strings big-time. Then the (former) Infertile who refused to disclose how she conceived baby no. 2 was there with her bump and all. Normally she asks how I'm going with TTC but today there was just an awkward silence. I was thinking God, you say you never give us more than we can handle, but come on!!

This afternoon I was determined to be as present with my daughter as possible after yesterdays write-off. I've started the ball rolling with toilet-training so we are spending the afternoons at home with her in her big girls undies, with lots of sits on the loo. (nothing deposited in there yet). So we entertained ourselves quite well and I felt much better being fully available to her.

I went to Bodybalance tonight - it's the class that combines Yoga/Pilates and Tai Chi. I had tears rolling down my cheeks in relaxation! I was quite surprised by that. A song was playing before that that really moved me and got me in touch with my grief around the baby we lost in December '06. I realised in the class that I do miss this baby. I thought with time, my loss would fade into the background. But actually the reverse has happened. As time passes, the gaping maternal hole is even more obvious - especially without another baby in the wings. So I think I do need to acknowledge this baby's death. There were candles in the class tonight and I thought maybe that's what I'll do - light a candle in the cathedral. I never realised until tonight that I didn't want to let go of this baby on one level for fear I might not have another baby. At least my ghost baby is better than no baby. It is hard to express, but it was a spiritual awareness of some sort tonight.