Finding peace

I really think a big shift is taking place with this whole IF deal. I am finding some peace amongst it all. Real peace. And it has been all about living in the moment as I've expressed in my last couple of posts. If I'm living in the moment then actually the fact that I am currently infertile isn't actually relevant. I can't actually do anything about my infertility right now and will just have to trust that it will be sorted out/investigated in time via an ultrasound to check out my cyst/an increase in the dosage of Clomid. In the meantime I am completely powerless over my fertility so I may as well just enjoy life as it exists before me.

I've had an excellent weekend of truly being present. We've had a lot on and I've applied myself to everything I've needed to one hundred percent. I've sorted out the personality clash/misunderstanding around a volunteer position I hold. I guess the reason I got so mad at this persons perception of me was because there was some partial truth to her comments. My life has been affected by IF. I have let it be. But I truly think I am turning a corner and embracing all that is currently in my life rather than all that isn't.

Some blog-readers have commented on my emotional state this weekend. One saw me as being in a good place with it all - and one in a very bad place. (!) I guess that's the interesting thing about IF - emotions tend to be all over the place and so I find I often am assumed to be feeling the same way I was say two days ago when often I have moved on to a different emotional state. IF grief is not unlike the grief felt around a relationship ending or a death - that is how the grieving process has gone with me with IF. Sometimes you do have to take two steps back before you can take another one forward.

I suspect there'll be more challenges ahead within IF. However for now I feel as though I am letting go of IF as a problem. I am learning to live with my grief around it all and somehow accepting the IF package (such as being constantly triggered by bumps and babies), has meant I've managed to find some peace. I don't feel like I'm fighting IF today as I am ready to surrender it to God. I am done with it.