I took my daughter to Music this morning. And right before me (no bull, I swear!) was a t-shirt on a girl about my daughter's age that read "I am the big sister". Then, I turned around and lo behold there was "Mind the bump" emblazoned on a very pregnant-looking woman's t-shirt. They say God is smiling down on us, but perhaps God is having a bit of a laugh right now at me. I have always thought the God of my understanding had a sense of humour - and it's often in scenarios such as this where I'm encouraged to lighten up a bit.
I feel all this is getting so old. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired of IF. I want my life back. And so I am trying really hard to live in the day. I'm also switching off my computer during the day as I can be an internet-junkie if not careful. Although Dailystrength is a great place to turn to - daily - I do think I can overuse it. Also I find if I switch off my computer and just focus on what needs to be done - then I do just that. I've started decluttering the house. Today I spent some time sorting out our daughter's bedroom - packing away clothes she's outgrown, and sorting out her toys and bookcase. I said to my husband it's time Peter Rabbit left her room now she's three. So in time I'll look for some bright coloured posters with the alphabet or shapes or something educational/preschool-like for her.
I feel as though even though I do not like it one bit - I am moving into a greater place of acceptance around my situation. My daughter loves watching DVDs of herself. We have two - one of her first year and one of her around eighteen months/her recent birthday party. She loves watching herself as a baby. I have noted that as well as thinking I may never get to experience another baby in our home again, I am also thinking, I got to experience a baby growing up in our home. I have been fortunate enough to be an at-home Mum for three years. And watching the DVD footage it is obvious that the bond between my daughter and I is very strong and has been from the start. I have no regrets as far as parenting goes.
I have a "problem" outside of IF right now which involves a personality clash. It is nice to have a different problem that I need to sort out!
My conclusion today - as I said to a friend (who had IF issues the first time round, but conceived her second naturally and is due next week) is that obviously I cannot do anything around my fertility right now. So I may as well just use this time to heal. I am thinking of going the "alternate" way again. Maybe acupuncture or even to see a "healer". (the same friend recommended someone). I will definitely get a massage too asap - once the bank balance allows it.
I feel there is progress amongst it all for me somehow. I am moving somewhere. Just living in the moment seems to really help.
1 comment:
I understand your pain. My son will be 9 this fall. I too have been ttc now for 5 years! I miscarried my first year of marriage and have not been able to get preggo's since. After a lap, docs told me that I only have 1 fallopian tube and it is damaged- severely. I have seen infertility t-shirts, but not for secondary. I am soooo tired of hearing, just relax, because if thats all it took, than i would have 15 kids! If you ever really need to chat- i am around!
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