Goodbye to year no. 3 of SIF

I'm looking forward to saying goodbye to 2009. It has been a hard year - a year of swallowing the somewhat bitter pill that conception was very, very unlikely for me ever again.

My SIF journey started at the end of 2006. 2007 and 2008 were two complete years of devoting a lot of time and energy into SIF. There were blood tests and procedures as well as an operation. Although these were difficult years; I still held on to a small seed of hope that despite the evidence; perhaps my infertility wasn't as bad as it appeared to be.

In 2009 I've had to face the truth - that I am infertile. This year has been about sitting with what is - and attempting to let go of what isn't. I started 2009 on antidepressants. I was on them for six months all up during what can only be described as my darkest times of SIF. The devastation I went through when it became obvious (even without full medical evidence) that I could no longer conceive was the hardest thing I've been through in my life.

This year my husband and I attended the information meeting and education programme for adoption here in New Zealand. Although things were flowing pretty well adoption-wise; we made the decision to put our adoption plans on hold for around six months for various reasons. (We're resuming the process June 2010). In 2009 I started up an infertility support group for women here in Nelson. I wanted my years of SIF to account for something and figured by starting a group; women struggling with IF would benefit from exchanges with others in the same boat while hopefully feeling a little less lonely.

2010 will be the first year, after three years of SIF, that I will no longer be actively hoping for a small miracle - to fall pregnant. I hope and pray it will be the year that I will be released from the morbid grip of SIF. I feel it will be the year in which I will finally be able to face SIF with some perspective. I am already starting to see and feel how SIF has been an era in my life (albeit a tulmultuous one) - and one day it won't hold as much meaning as it does today. As a woman, I believe I will be affected for years to come. I have yet to work out how to reconcile a major loss of my womanhood that has polluted my sexuality, self-esteem, self-worth and connectedness with other women - particularly fertile ones - out there. I am grieving the woman I was - the fertile one - while trying to figure out who I have become.

As I try so hard to close the door on SIF; I am only too aware of how damaged some of my relationships around me have become because of my own personal tragedy. Until I embrace this dilemma that touched my life so very, very deeply - I believe many of these relationships will remain fractured. For so long I was looking for words of comfort from those close to me. But I now think and know that the understanding I sought was impossible from the uninitiated. It is truly only those who have been touched by SIF that get it. I am so grateful to have a blog to vent in - that has been going for over two years now plus Dailystrength - the place I go to to connect with other women with SIF. Where I would be without D/S or my blog - I don't know. I also joined RESOLVE this year but don't check in much. But it is still nice to know I have another online support group if I need it.

I hope in 2010 I will not feel so bitter and resentful towards The Fertiles out there. It is not their fault that they can reproduce and I cannot. I believe 2010 will be the year in which I'll gain some insight as to why the last three years of angst occurred. There is some huge emotional and spiritual growth going on for me right now as I allow the God of my understanding to reveal what was beneath SIF for me. It was much more than wanting another biological child. My complete despair at being rendered infertile has uprooted several "core issues" from my past. Once these have been addressed; I believe I will truly move forward again.

I'd like to say that 2010 comes with the promise of an adopted child for us. But I'm not sure it will. I have some big life decisions to make that could jeopadise adoption for us. For now I am just putting one foot in front of the other, and going where God seems to want me to go. I am on a very different path to the Mums out there that were lucky enough to conceive a second time round (or more). I know if another child had come - particularly easily - then I would not have had the opportunity to experience the immense personal spiritual and emotional growth that is going on right now for me. There is no going back - I understand at a very deep level that this is the path I am meant to be on.

I want to be free of SIF. And to be free I have to accept some of the ugly parts of myself that have been uprooted because of SIF. I will do this through counselling, the twelve steps and through the continued guidance of my Higher Power. Thank-you to those who read this. Your support - even if silent - means a lot to me. I hope 2010 brings many insights and miracles into your own lives.

Time to think

I've been on holiday over the past week so have been unwinding, relaxing and enjoying having some time and space to reflect about things. We're just at home so it has been quite nice just doing as we please and not having to rush off to work, Kindy or any of my daughter's activities. I even managed to sneak in a nap yesterday afternoon while my daughter watched a bit of TV with my husband.

I am moving further into acceptance that SIF was just something I went through/have been through in life. I think with my friend passing a couple of weeks ago from cancer at the age of 42; my perspective around SIF has shifted a bit once again. Every now and then a shift happens which somehow allows some more peace into my being. What I'm getting at is it's God's Will; my SIF. Just like it was God's Will that my friend had cancer. At a very deep level there are countless shifts going on for me spiritually, emotionally and psychologically. SIF has caused me to grow in so many ways. It has been a wake-up call from the God of my understanding in ways in which I am still figuring out.

I am truly looking forward to closing the door on SIF for once and for all. I have been praying that 2010 will be the year that SIF starts to fade into the background.

I stayed up and watched an english movie last night called Catwalk Dogs. It interested me as it was about a couple who had experienced a couple of miscarriages and this affected their partnership. The movie touched on the difference between how men and women deal with miscarriages/infertility. The film was a comedy/drama so was a lighter take on the male-female dynamic around IF; but the message was there around how devastating miscarriage/IF is for a woman and how it is hard for men to "get that."

My favourite New Zealand soap Shortland Street, which is on a break for the Summer, has a married couple on it who have separated because they cannot have kids. The wife has it in her head that because IF is her problem; it's best she let's go of her husband so he can go and have kids with someone else. The plot is a little ridiculous but at least by having the IF issue within a popular prime time NZ programme; the public might start to get an insight into how big an issue IF is for couples.

Personally I do feel part of having SIF is about educating others about it. I think couples do need to be supported during IF and SIF as unfortunately there are periods of time in which couples are emotionally distanced from one another. If more people knew and understood IF/SIF - then perhaps the couples that go through it could be given the support they need - separately and together.

SIF is known as the "lonely infertility" because couples are perceived to be okay because they have one child. But couples going through SIF are under enormous pressure and emotional strain to keep everything going because they do have a child to raise while going through SIF. It messes with your head - or at least it has messed with mine - trying to keep things as "normal" as possible for my daughter while fighting my demons.

I put my plans to write my SIF book on hold as I got too busy with my two jobs these last few months but it will be written! I do believe one of the reasons I got hand-picked by God to experience SIF was so I could be a support for others. I do not mean that in a vain way. I'm just being real about the kind of person I am - I don't have an issue with emotional openness and believe in sharing my experience, strength and hope with those who could benefit from hearing it.

We had a lovely Christmas day spent with friends, neighbours and my husband's brother. It was nice to have our neighbours three month old at our place decked out in her first Christmas outfit. Last night my husband and I looked after the her while our neighbours went out briefly. I always enjoy looking after her and it is hard to not imagine "what if" around an adopted child when looking after a baby. My daughter is absolutely besotted with this baby and because I couldn't get her to leave the other day because we were at the neighbours; we ended up taking the baby for a walk. It fulfulls my MOT-needs every time having another tot under my wing.

My daughter has been talking about sisters quite a lot and even declared one of her new toys for Christmas was her "sister." I know she feels lonely sometimes being an only child. School holidays are often tricky times - especially the current one we are on - Summer school holidays here in New Zealand right now (that are 5 - 6 weeks long) as a lot of families are either away or doing their own thing.

I think 2010 is going to be an interesting year for us. We finally have some financial manageability after an economically-challenged year. Change is in the wings. In the meantime I am just making the most of the r and r that is on offer right now. It has been an emotionally draining year so it I'm enjoying reading books, watching movies and having some early nights these holidays.

Over the oh-woe-is-mes

Christmas is undoubedtly a tough time of year as a SI. There is once again that simulataneous experience of being connected to the fertile world - having one off-spring to celebrate Christmas with while feeling disconnected and (once again) jealous of families out there with new additions to the family who get to celebrate First Christmases the second time round. Luckily no-one has sent us (thus far) the family of four Christmas photos. I find those very, very hard to look at.

I phoned up my newly pregnant friend last night. We talked about all sorts but I did touch on my SIF. All I said was that in the past I'd struggled with some other friend's pregnancies and just left it at that really. I was actually fine talking about her pregnancy. I think just the fact she understood that I could struggle with things helped plus I said I would speak up if I was in pregnancy-talk overwhelm and she understood that too. I think all I have ever wanted from family and friends is to be heard within my SIF.

I feel so over the heavy feelings of SIF. Even though I am no longer what I consider in the dark days of SIF; it is still an emotional burden that impacts my well-being. I look forward to the day when SIF is in the past and a non-issue.

I think 2010 will be a year of sorting out a lot of things. I am looking forward to starting counselling again early January and then going to see an infertility specialist in February. I know having an upcoming appointment with an infertility specialist has triggered me somewhat - as I have been reflecting on the last three years and all that I have been through.

After my daughter told me the other night: "If I die, you could have another baby.", I have been praying to God to take away this desire of mine to have another child. I so wish I could be happy with the status quo - why I can't just be content with my husband and daughter? My daughter muttered those words in response to a fascination with death that she is going through right now. But it still upset me to hear her speak them.

The last two Christmases I had hoped that God would somehow deliver a miracle and that I would get pregnant. This Christmas I haven't even gone there with God - but I still remain disappointed that we will be celebrating Christmas as a family of three this year. It seems every Christmas since we I started praying for another shot at motherhood I wind up "missing" the child that was meant to be with us. We will be spending part of Christmas day with our neighbours who have a three month old so that will be nice. Somehow it balances things having a baby in the picture.

Even though I have been getting into Christmas baking and the Christmas spirit a bit; I still feel like a Christmas grinch because a big part of me is aching at the moment. My SIF Christmas-grief causes me to want to recoil into myself. I guess it is a time of year of remembering those we love - and have lost. And I did lose a very big dream - to have another biological child. As time passes the pain seems to lessen in the respect that it is perhaps not in my face every single day. But the feelings of loss, grief, of no-longer feeling like a proper woman - they linger.

I don't even want to look back at my posts over the last two years around this time as I am pretty sure I was no doubt harping on about the same thing! I cannot ask for a Christmas miracle in the form of a baby - but peace would be nice. I want to be okay with my SIF. I doubt I'll ever be happy about it - but to be okay with it would be nice. Because until I get to the place of being okay with my SIF; I am essentially not okay with a big part of me - who I am today - and that non-acceptance of myself crosses over into some of my relationships around me.

Since hearing about the friend of mine who died from cancer in her mid-40s recently; I've accepted on some kind of a level that SIF is just something I've had to go through - it has been God's Will, as such.

Is it all worth it?

I finished up at my week-day job for the year yesterday - I have three weeks off (out of the five weeks that make up the Kindy school holidays). I am looking forward to being a full-time at-home Mum again. It has been a challenging eight weeks since I started my new job - balancing motherhood and work. My daughter has been greatly affected with me being out of the house more - I've worked a few nights on top of my mornings and this has upset her. With her ASD; routine and predictability are paramount for her mental-health/stability. It has been very hard watching her struggle with high anxiety levels as she's adjusted to this new job of mine.

I have questioned whether it's been worth it all over the last week in particular. My daughter's constipation increased, she wasn't eating much and she was in tears a few times when I picked her up from Kindy, telling me she was worried I wasn't turning up. She has said she wants me home and to not go to work.

The reason I took this job on was to improve our financial situation - and slowly and surely - we are seeing an improvement. But I also took this job on as a means to an end - that being adoption. By getting the job, we can in the near future apply for a home loan which will hopefully lead to a house which will improve our chances of being picked by a birth family.

Yet this focus - the adoption one - is affecting our family - we have all been stretched to the limit these last couple of months. If adoption hadn't been an option; I wonder if I would be working right now. I may have held off until my daughter was settled into school next year.

After all my daughter has been through - whether it be on an unconscious level or not - I feel bad (once again) that my need to have another child added to our family impacts on her life. It can't have been easy living with a Mum on antidepressants for six months, enduring countless blood tests and missing out on some of my time and energy because of my SIF grief. I have never wanted to send out the message to my daughter that one isn't enough - that she isn't enough - but I how can I not be sending out that message since I've spent over three years of my life pining for another child?

I feel close to the God of my understanding and do believe that everything is happening as it is meant to. My daughter is talking about sisters a lot - in play and conversation. But she hasn't yet asked the sibling question that I know many of us SI's dread. She even said last night we should get a sister for our cat since he is all alone! I know this came from watching a friend getting a bird mate for their current bird. But still.

Earlier this week I found out a friend of mine died from cancer at the age of 42. We'd lost touch but she was someone who made an impact in my life. I felt quite sad about it for a few days - particularly because she didn't get to do a lot of the stuff that is the "norm" in life - such as having kids. Her death has made me feel more grateful for what I do have on another level.

I have arranged to talk on the phone with a friend who is newly pregnant this Sunday. It upset me when she said in an email that she didn't feel being pregnant was a gift (as she feeling so sick). I know where she was coming from but I just don't need to hear that kind of thing. I did email a little back about the difficulty of the infertile woman-pregnant woman dynamic but there was no comment. I am amazied how every time someone seemingly ignores my attempts to reach out within SIF- and they are never easy attempts! - how triggered I feel when I get no response, misunderstood or judged. Anyway, I am hoping to have an honest discussion with this friend. I just cannot deal with hearing about pregnancy symptoms and how awful they are - not when I would (almost!) kill to be in a pregnant woman's shoes. I'm addressing this as I don't want this friendship to be affected by my SIF as some of my other friendships with Fertiles have been in the past.

Jaded

With the end of the (school) term approaching next week life has been crazy-busy. I feel like in some ways I am just holding on by the skin of my teeth. My new job is full-on and I have been putting in extra hours - some nights and I will be going in this weekend to catch-up on the paper-trail back-log I have. Phew!

A week ago a close friend gave birth to her first child - a boy. It was a horrific experience for her as she had complications with her placenta which was surgically removed resulting in her being in intensive care for three days, separated from her baby. I was quite emotional during this time as we live in different countries - me in New Zealand and she in Australia. I was worried about her of course. And I also experienced lots of guilt around all the jealous feelings I've had around her being pregnant/conceiving at the age of 42 when I was unofficially deemed infertile in my late thirties.

I guess it was a bit of a wake-up call and put things in perspective. I am so relieved my friend is on the mend now. Her experience also brought back my own daughter's delivery which was via an emergency c-section under a general - and then I "came to" to find out I'd lost an ovary.

I've made an appointment to see a counsellor in the New Year. This is someone I know through some community connections and I am trusting God that she is the right person to talk to about some lingering intimacy issues marriage-wise post-SIF. This will be the fourth time I would have sought counselling while being on this crazy SIF journey! But each patch of counselling has been for different reasons/different phases of SIF: the first sessions were around SIF itself - sorting out where I was within it, the second sessions were recommended because I was on anti-depressants and were about monitoring my mood/emotional management during SIF, the third sessions were marriage counselling sessions to help my husband and I to build some bridges during SIF and this time round is about me facing who I am post-SIF - how I have changed, how this has affected me in my marriage and what I want in a partnership.

So next year feels like it will be a year of sorting myself out once and for all around SIF. I have the counselling appointment in January and then the infertility appointment in February which should help me gain some closure around SIF.

I have been feeling quite stretched these last few weeks working during the week and doing the Mum thing. I am going through the ORRS funding process at the moment which is basically about seeking funding from the government so my daughter can have a teacher's aide for school, to assist her with her ASD, when she starts in three months. It is an exhausting process and has me feeling very overloaded while juggling a very demanding job.

But in a week's time my weekday job, Kindy and all my daughter's activities will be finished for the year. I am looking forward to a much quieter pace of life for the next few weeks after that!

I had a little cry on the way back from work yesterday as I missed my daughter's Kindy Christmas party because I was working. Up until yesterday have been to everything, all her events - being very involved all the way through. So it felt quite wrong to not be there. My husband managed to make it there for a bit which was good. People of course didn't understand why exactly I felt so torn between my daughter and work - but it was for the usual SIF reasons: I only have one child who is growing up way too fast - I don't want to miss out on her milestones!!

The lifestyle I am living right now is way too busy for my liking so I will make some adjustments for next year. I am too tired and irritable within family life because I feel so stressed and stretched in too many different directions. AF only came for a day recently and has been threatening to come again - I just don't know what my body is doing. I am looking forward to getting some answers to my hormonal imbalances next year as because I don't know what is going on exactly; I haven't known how to treat myself.

Dr's appointment

Tuesday morning I had an appointment with my Dr. The whole point of the appointment was to start the process in gaining some closure around my SIF. When I made the appointment it stirred up some deep SIF feelings and I was going to write a letter to my Dr and some of the other of the health professionals I've dealt with along the way to explain just how badly I thought I had been treated along the way.

But I went to the Dr's appointment without a letter and ended up just explaining where I was at - that it had been three years of SIF for me and I was ready to close the door on it all - I just wanted some answers. My Dr was great and understood where I was coming from. She said she'd had female patients in their sixties and seventies who were still questioning their infertility (as it was never explained). That is how I thought it might be for me if I didn't find out why this is all happened. So my Dr got some paperwork together for me and I will put that plus all the other files I have together to forward to the infertility specialist I am seeing in February.

Surprisingly, I felt at peace after the appointment with my Dr. I guess it just felt like something I really needed to do for me and I feel good and strong about that decision. I have been working the 12 steps around SIF since the start of the year and am at step eight and nine which is about making amends to those I have harmed. It certainly does feel like a time of starting to heal some of the relationship ruptures that have occured because of SIF. But before I can have the conversations with the people I want and need to; I have to make amends to myself and my amends are about getting some answers around my SIF. I deserve some answers. Even if I cannot get a full explanation; it will help to get a little more insight into what has happened. Surely some kind of conclusion can be drawn from one ovary, high FSH levels and diminishing periods - you'd think so, wouldn't you.

Ironically AF started knocking at my door yesterday shortly after my Dr's appointment so I will be able to do another day three FSH test to add to my file. My latest FSH result from about three months ago is 20. I've yet to look at all my FSH results over the last three years but the highest it ever has been is 86 and the lowest 18. So my ovarian reverse is pretty poor.

Last night I hosted the third infertility support group for Nelson. There were just four of us this time but it went really well. There was one new woman which was great. Our topic was "Managing relationships" which was great. We have the meeting room we have been using booked out for 2010 so it's nice to know that that is all in place. Now it's just a matter of getting the word out there a bit more - that there is an infertility group in this town. That's something I will do more of next year.

I congratulated a Dad I know on becoming a father for the second time today. It was a big deal for me. I'm afraid it doesn't come naturally to me acknowledging additions to other people's families and I often don't say anything - it's like I am emotionally frozen and a simple congratulations is just too hard to manage! But I have to remember it's not The Fertiles fault that I cannot conceive - that they got what they hoped for and I didn't. It is just not so easy to put my SIF feelings to one side when presented with baby news though - no matter how far along I am in my SIF journey, it would seem.

By reopening my file with my Dr on Tuesday I realised that everything that has happened on my SIF journey has happened in God's time. I guess although I feel there was some mismanagement around my SIF; at the end of the day, things probably couldn't have moved any faster than they did. The only thing I could have done differently is gone straight to an infertility specialist instead of going via a gyno and losing lots of time. But I was naive amongst it all and did hand my power over to the medical world for quite a number of months. I cannot change what I didn't do. I like to think we end up where we are meant to sometimes - whatever route we take. Pretty much as soon as we started to TTC our second child, there were obvious problems with my cycle. Perhaps I have been infertile since my daughter was born - when my ovary was removed. It is possible.

So on the SIF front I'm kinda okay. Okay but applying some self-preservation right now as I've heard others describe it when some space is put between you and The Fertiles out there. I want to phone my close friend who is newly pregnant but am not yet ready yet. I will get there. I'm excited for my other close friend who is due to have her first child any day now but when I got her text last night telling me she was likely to be induced just as I was heading off to my IF support group, it was still a bit of a punch in the guts.

After my IF support group meeting I popped in on a dessert and coffee evening I was invited to. I blurted out where I had been - as I had been asked. Interesting comments followed. One woman reckoned she knew "lots" of women with SIF. Really? Where are they? I haven't met them!! One also mentioned how after her second child her Dr indicated she could have been infertile but since she didn't want any other children she doesn't know for sure. Hmmm, I dunno. You really can't bring SIF up in casual conversation if you are feeling even mildly vulnerable around it all. There was a couple there that have four children and they got to share about four remarkable quick births. Hmmm, again! I just don't want or need to hear those details. I guess I get worried that when I show an interest in others people's birthing experiences or new additions they will tell me much more than I wanted to know - one reason why I haven't initated an exchange with many a Fertile for the last three years.

I've looked after the neighbour's baby a few times now. Last week I offered to do some babysitting so the parents (a young couple) could go on a gym date. I was feeling quite raw within SIF last week after a series of birth and pregnancy news but I really enjoyed caring for a three month old. In fact, the three of us enjoyed playing a family of four for an hour and a half. It is healing for me somehow at this point to hold a baby. There was a time when that would have hurt too much. We are all getting to know our neighbour's baby in our family and it only reassures us that loving an adopted child would come naturally for us - that part of the adoption equation is not something we need to worry about.

Emotionally I feel as though I am sorting myself out a bit more around SIF. I have lots going on in my life outside of SIF - mainly I am insanely busy. But emotionally it is a bit like facing the calm after the storm that was SIF. The thing is even when I start to move on from SIF my perspective never changes in that it was the most devastating experience I've ever been through. I feel changed and affected in more ways than I will probably ever know.

A skewed perspective

Hmmm. I think I am in SIF overwhelm. It's not as bad as it has been in the past - but bad enough for me to want to run and hide somewhere. I am really, really sick of how SIF affects my relationships with others, in particular. It just feels as though many of my relationships have been tainted by SIF and things aren't going to be fixed overnight.

I admit that right now I am seeing the world in a skewed kind of a way - my perspective is well and truly through the black-coloured glasses of SIF - or should I say green-coloured glasses - green for envy! So, I am in not a good place to be in touch with the pregnant women around me - I need to get myself back in balance before dealing with them. I will create some space for a bit.

One close friend is due this Saturday and the closer she gets to her due date, the harder I am finding it to hear from her. Another close friend is only a few weeks pregnant - so at the other end of her pregnancy - yet I am equally jealous of her as she is in the "over-the-moon" stage of experiencing her first pregnancy.

I feel so sour. So bitter and twisted - and I don't like it. I cannot believe two of my close friends are pregnant right now and another close friend has two children. My envy is about not being able to conceive myself but also about feeling so old, useless and not like a woman because my body cannot reproduce. Sigh. I am jealous of my friends fertile bodies - the fact they work like they should - and mine doesn't.

I went for a twenty minute walk by a river today. I shed a few tears on the way into town about all this and figured I needed some space for me and my fraught emotions before catching up with the autism support group I go to.

It was good to have some quiet time with God. I just recited The Serenity Prayer over and over. I used to go on the same walk when I walked in town on my lunch-breaks - firstly when I was TTC then when I was pregnant with my daughter. I have been praying for God's guidance as I am feeling lost within my SIF pain right now or at least have gone off the rails these last couple of days.

SIF has impacted my life so greatly and I am still frustrated that those that supposedly love me cannot see this. It is very hard on a marriage - grieving another child for so long - and frequently alone. I have so many martial issues right now that are partly skewed by SIF. I just feel if I cannot be supported emotionally through one of the most devastating things in my life then what kind of a connection do I have with my spouse? In the past when I've experienced some life-changing things I have been single - or ended up single as a consequence of a break-up that became life-changing! With SIF I have periods of time where I just want to go off and be alone - I want to go and lick my wounds and recover without the strain of trying to keep a marriage running. I guess I feel like I have so much on my plate right now managing a marriage is just about breaking me. I feel as though I am the one - as many women are - who carries us as a couple and when I crumble, we crumble. The weekly dates are good - at least we get out of the house as a couple. But emotionally I feel so very disconnected from my husband. We've done the marriage counselling thing. Reminding my husband of my emotional needs is exhausting.

I also feel disconnected from my "close" friends. I have partly caused this - and the dynamics of IF haven't helped. But it upsets me that none of my close friends pre-empt my feelings around SIF/adoption. How can they not know that this period of my life is still incredibly painful? Sure, I am out of the dark times - but the down times still happen on occasion. Why can't they check on me from time to time? Perhaps I have pushed them away at times - but if they understood SIF they would forgive some of my behaviour, wouldn't they? I am emotionally distanced from my close friends - friends I would normally talk to about my marriage stuff - as a result I feel so, so alone in all this. (once again).

I am juggling too many things right now and this on top of my SIF overwhelm has made for one unhappy camper. I am going to make an effort to get some more "me time" next week and will drop a couple of commitments. I need some time to just be - some time to make sense of all this SIF crap that has resurfaced.

Next Wednesday will be our third Nelson Infertility support group. The topic is "Managing Relationships "which is very apt for me! There might be three new women coming along which will be good. The wheels have come off this week for me but I do think it's a normal reaction for where I'm at in my SIF journey - seeking closure with close friends pregnant! Just when I think I am out of the woods (emotionally) - along comes another huge emotional reaction!

Something's in the water - but not the water I drink!

Hmmm. Why is it that sometimes everybody seems to bloody-well be falling pregnant?! I find there are times when not much is going on out there on the preggars front - then suddenly it seems like I am surrounded by The Fertiles.

So I'm feeling quite triggered today. Triggered that yesterday when I was in the gym a staff-member was off in labour having her second child. Everyone was so excited for her...

Then yesterday someone I know fairly well emailed me a scan of her baby-to-be. A first time Mum, I understood her joy and wonderment. I was okay with it at the time but I do think emails containing scans of babies ought to be seriously thought about when forwarding them to an infertile woman.

One of my close friends is due any day now - with her first child. I am excited for her - but sad for me, as I guess every time someone shares about their baby news I am reminded that this is news I won't be experiencing myself again.

I received a text a couple of days ago from another close friend telling me she is pregnant with her first. She is rapt as it was an unexpected pregnancy, in a way. She emailed today to say her and her husband had given up this year after trying for "a long time." Six - eight months is a long time? Hmmm...

I'm just a bit hurt and angry that my friends don't seem to take my feelings into consideration when telling me their baby news. Direct communication is the best way to deal with things - always - and especially as far as infertility is concerned. So I would rather I was phoned than texted or emailed about pregnancy stuff. I guess it is up to me to communicate how comfortable I am or aren't around pregnancy disclosure. Why are people so clueless or blinded by their own baby joy that they seemingly lose any sense of discretion when dealing with infertile women??

If it had been just one lot of pregnancy news this week, I would have been fine. But three lots? - the woman in labour, the scan of a baby and a text announcing a pregnancy - all a bit much in the space of two days for this infertile!!

I have a week to get myself sorted before my Dr's appointment. I want to draft a letter and think very carefully about what I want to achieve from that appointment - the one which will hopefully be the beginning of me seeking closure from SIF. Perhaps I'm feeling more vulnerable at the moment as I am having to deal with facing the grim reality around SIF while others around me get to bask in the glory of a new life being created. I feel some tears welling and may have a little cry when my husband gets home. It seems everyone else - or at least, a lot of women have been drinking out of the same water - but me, I remain well and truly parched.

Seeking closure

I have booked a couple of appointments this week in the hope of resolving my SIF mystery. I am ready to face the music as such - to hear the truth about my fluctuating high FSH levels, diminishing periods and lack of ovulation. I feel this part of my life has been going on for long enough and I am ready to close the door on it.

I have an appointment with my Dr Tuesday December 1st. I want to tell her where I'm at with my SIF journey (seeking closure), find out my lattest FSH test results (the last test was about two months ago and I don't know the results yet), and fish out the letter from the gyno #1 that delivered my daughter that clearly states I should have been referred back to her if I had trouble conceiving - and I never was. I am sitting on the fence as to whether I want to write a letter to gyno #1 directly or whether I want to send one to both my Dr and gyno # 1 talking about my journey and how I feel as though I was mismanaged within it. In fact, what I really ought to do (thinking aloud here!) is write a letter to my Dr, gyno # 1 (who delivered my daughter) and gyno #2 (who performed what turned out to be unnecessary surgery). I plan to write a letter in a direct but diplomatic fashion. I guess once I start writing the letter I'll work out what exactly I need to write.

I also have an appointment February 12th with the infertility specialist I originally had an appointment with in March. I cancelled the appointment back then as we were going through some financial strain as a family and I also was at a point in my SIF journey where I'd had enough of the medical world around SIF. Although I hadn't gone down the medical route for long; I felt the gyno who treated me within SIF botched things up a bit in the way he approached my case and it left a a very bad taste in my mouth.

Now I'm ready to hear the perspective the medical world offers me - especially now I'm out of the dark times of SIF, and have acceptance around not been able to conceive again - all I need is closure.

I've had a few fears/concerns around adding to our family of late. My husband and I seem to be working a lot between us and this is causing some disharmony in our household and I don't like it. But if we ever want to own our own home; it is what we need to do. Our daughter is unsettled with the two of us being out of the home more and that both upsets and worries me. All kids need routine and stability - but especially kids on the autism spectrum.

I've had to alter my daughter's weekly schedule this week as things were getting a bit too busy. She was able to express to me that she has been missing me and feeling lonely at Kindy (talk about tugging at the heart-strings!). I feel guilty that she's having to deal with a busy home life all because of what feels like my selfish quest - to add (hopefully) another child to our family. If I had let go of having another child then I possibly wouldn't be working two jobs right now. (to get us into our own home which might ultimately lead to another child).

My daughter had an almightly meltdown this afternoon out in public which resulted in me yelling at her as she was hitting me, pulling my hair and refusing to get into the car. I got some looks - in the shop we were in, and in the street. And I did feel like the worst mother in the world as normally I am not a yeller. I hate yelling but sometimes I have to to get my daughter to snap out of it. I am feeling the stress of juggling so much right now - my fuse is short and had I not being in this space, I might have dealt with today's meltdown differently. I do wonder having a daughter with ASD how we would go with another child. It has been commented by a few :"Just as well you just have the one!" when I talk about my daughter and the difficulties of raising a child with autism. I almost couldn't lift her into the car today when she was kicking and screaming as she must be about 23kg and I'm 60kgish with a bad back! How would I handle a child in meltdown mode and a baby?!

I just hope we are doing the right thing right now - working hard to get us into the housing market next year basically. For so long I was okay with renting as I knew if I worked beyond more than a few hours a week; we would feel it. And that is what is happening right now.

Today after I dropped off my daughter at Kindy once again there was a convey of Mums walking up the street with their toddlers in buggies after dropping off their preschoolers. I feel like an outsider at Kindy - for a couple of reasons - I am the Mum of a child with autism - and a Mum of one. I bet many think I only have one child because she's autistic but that is of course not the reason.

Luckily I have a physio appointment at the gym tonight - it will get me out of the house and I'll squeeze in a work-out beforehand! I'm just feeling a bit overloaded and frazzled right now.

Our adoption time-line

I have resettled again within our decision to delay the adoption process - I do feel and believe very strongly it was the right thing to do, for so many reasons. Even though we aren't actively adding to our family - going through treatments or partaking in the adoption process at this point in time; our plans for the next twelve months are very much around pathing the way for another child to enter our family.

The basic time-line is as follows:
Oct 2009 - Oct 2010: I'm commiting to one year in my new job before going into the pool of prospective adoptive parents. (as once picked I will have to leave my job, possibly giving little notice and want to clock up a year minimum for CV purposes)
Late March 2010: Our daughter to start Mornings at school for her first term - til July 2nd.
April 2010: I would have been in my new job for six months so we will be able to apply for a home loan and therefore to start looking for a house! - a three-bedroomed one that will have a room for the child that will hopefully join us one day! Our daughter would have been in school for a few weeks/months by the time we find a house. She has ASD so change is big in her life. It will be good for her to be settled in school a bit before moving house. And then we'll have a few months in our new home together before the new addition hopefully arrives!
June 2010: I will contact our social worker and restart the adoption process - we'll continue assessments and interviews aiming to get our profile into the pool of prospective adoptive parents by October 2010!

Yep, I feel good about this. I believe God orchestrates things so they fall into place in the end. It seems like a long, somewhat complicated road to adding to our family that we've been on - yet it is our road, our journey - and obviously meant to happen this way.

Thursday night my husband and I looked after our neighbour's two month old so they could go to a movie. Our daughter was in bed so it was nice playing "babies" for a night. We both said we could see how easy it would be to form a bond with an adopted child - very easy - as we have one with the neighbour's daughter already. Our daughter is so besotted with her and loves it when we look after her here and there for small periods of time. It is not hard to imagine the three of us loving another family member.

I put up our recent professional family photos on the wall yesterday. It doesn't feel so wierd to have them up. For so long I couldn't do the professional family shots as I thought and felt there was someone missing. I do wonder if one day another little person will feature in our family photos but for now it is just the three of us - and that's okay. I feel as though we are moving forward as a family after months/years of being in standstill mode so that's a great feeling.

I have decided I will make an appointment with the infertility specialist I was referred to a few months back this year. I deferred my appointment because of finances - we were struggling financially for quite a few months - and just because of where I was at the time - not ready to face another specialist after the shoddy treatment I got from my gyno. But I am ready now to be told what is up with me. I want to and need to know. I cannot wait to have some closure on this part of my life for once and for all. I believe this is a big step in the whole adoption process as well - I need some time to sort out the last piece of my SIF puzzle. I am close to getting some answers - I can feel it.

I am trying to get over the fact that I will be looking at becoming a mother for the second time because of our adoption delays, at the age of 42 - it seems so old! I was an "older Mum" getting pregnant at 35 with my daughter - or so I thought at the time! I might be an older Mum but I am still a fun Mum. I do feel the pressure to be almost a super-Mum as a prospective adoptive mother and need to let go of that.

All the scrutiny through-out the adoption process brings up a lot of fears and concerns around not being good enough or should I say perfect enough to be adoptive parents. I have a few more months to deal with the emotional side of all this before getting back into the adoption process in June. It feels as though I am being really gentle with myself within the adoption process - instead of taking one year, it will take us two years which is okay, I think, given it is such a huge thing to go through.

Processing a lot

I think it was a good decision for us delaying our adoption plans. To be honest, I don't think I was quite ready to partake in an open adoption. Even though we may not have been chosen immediately; once we were in the prospective adoptive parents pool and therefore may have had some more time to process things, I would have possibly have not been quite ready to add to our family via adoption had things kept rolling the way they were. I think it is important that we are clear and sure that this (adoption) is what we really want to do.

Many claim that adopting a child is - in the end - no different to having a biological child - that in the end - family is family. I believe and get that to a certain extent. But open adoption means how the child came to enter your family is if not a constant, a regular reminder. I'm sure, as I've heard, open adoption works well in many situations. But I am beginning to understand why one adoptive Mum shared on one of the courses we went on that it took two years to get her profile together! It does take some time to let go of one dream - to have another biological child while embracing a new dream - adding to a family via another means.

Taking this break from the adoption process is allowing me a chance to be really honest with myself around how I feel about open adoption. It really isn't as simple as replacing the biological child we couldn't have . The loss needs to be acknowledged and grieved before seriously contemplating offering a home to a child that isn't biologically ours.

I feel like there are still some SIF wounds to heal. I'm through the dark times of SIF (thank goodness!) and have acceptance around SIF. But I don't have the understanding - the answers as to why I've been through SIF. Even though I haven't ovulated or had regular periods for a good couple of years, I still don't know why. And I do want to know. So I am slowly building up the courage to do what I need to do - see my Dr, write to the gyno that delivered my daughter and possibly make an appointment with an infertility specialist. It is becoming more obvious as time goes that I need (if possible) to put the final pieces of my SIF puzzle in place.

After the latest infertility meeting, it dawned on me just how much I have held back/not pushed - even lived in some denial around my SIF. I could probably have gotten clear answers years ago but just let things float out there for fear of finding out the truth. Perhaps I needed to prepare myself emotionally and psychologically before hearing the confirmation from a professional.

It has been niggling at me too as to whether or not we really did reach the end of the road with TTC. Was there anything else we could have done? I didn't realise IUI's were so "cheap" (when compared to IVF, for instance) or at least never thought about going there as a possibility until recently. Also after getting in the mindset of adopting another child - now donor eggs also seem like a reasonable option. Although another "parent" would be in our lives to some extent with ED; it wouldn't be like open adoption where the connection is like taking on another family (depending on the arrangement, of course). Perhaps I need an appointment with an infertility specialist just to see what my options really are - even if we don't explore any of the options.

The other day our little family was in the mall and an acquaintenance of my husband's asked us when we were having another one - when my husband said we couldn't have anymore adoption was suggested. It is so natural and normal to assume another child will follow - and still awkward to tell people we can't have another child. I do feel some shame that we have to consider other methods to add to our family and I know people mean well, but it can irk me at times when adoption is suggested as the obvious alternative. Wouldn't it be nice if people acknowledged the loss and suggested we take our time to grieve before considering our next option? I guess that is asking for some kind of understanding and insight that The Fertiles don't seem to have.

I know I am exactly where I am meant to be in my life as I do think God speaks to me/us through coincidences. A woman who phoned up about the IF support group happens to work at the same college (high-school) I work at (she hasn't been able to make a meeting yet). I met her for the first time last week. I met another member of staff last week who said she heard I wore another hat (through the woman that phoned up) - that I run an IF support group and gave me her number as she completed her family via SD (sperm donor). It was certainly a first having someone I'd just met openly talking about infertility. But it was nice to have a candid conversation about how socially awkward infertility is - how no-one really talks about it. She gave me her phone number to pass on to the group which was nice, I thought.

I'm not sure where exactly I'm at in my praying for another shot at motherhood journey. In reflection, reassessing mode, I suppose. I'd rather get myself a bit more sorted out in my head now than later down the track when some post-adoption stuff could flare up. Of course even after adopting - if that is the route we continue to go down - SIF will no doubt rare it's ugly head from time to time. I know that will happen. Yet I want my dreams of having two biological children to be as resolved as possible before signing up for something that could be partly a band-aid reaction to our loss. I want to be the best parents possible for another child - in mind, body and soul. I'm just not quite there yet.

Another backlash

I'm a bit wobbly at the moment. I am having an emotional backlash I think around delaying our adoption plans.

I chaired the second infertility support group meeting last night - the topic was managing stress. It was good although there were just four of us this time. I shared about delaying our adoption plans and how I thought there was some grief around that. Sure enough, I've been feeling quite vulnerable around the whole SIF/adoption deal today. I've had a cry.

It's come to light that I also need some space from the adoption plans to grieve the end of my reproductive years. It was easy to get caught up in the adoption plans and to act as if I was over losing a big aspect of my feminity - the truth is, I am still grieving. Also, although the infertility support group is great, I am feeling like an outsider (like I thought I might) as the only one with SIF. It is also hard hearing about others also who are TTC while the door is closed for me. It's good to have a support group; but for me my SIF seems even more lonely as I cannot go there (out of respect for the others) around the dynamics of having a biological child and not being able to conceive again.

Although I do trust in the God of my understanding and His plans for us - I am feeling some anger around the fact that if it works out - if we get picked as an adoptive family - that it would have taken so bloody long to get there! I am still jealous of people who's lives pan out the "normal" way - get married, buy a house, have two kids...

If I had been able to conceive, then we would have just gotten pregnant and carried on with life as it stands today. We would have worked out how we'd achieve house ownership somehow. With the adoption process, I feel pressured to have come up with a "plan". I know I'm exhausted right now - adjusting to my second job and juggling a lot of stuff right now - but I don't like how busy I am/money focused we seem to be right now in the short space of two weeks.

It's good to have goals, I know that. Obviously we need to have them to achieve our dream of house ownership. Yet I feel ripped off in a way - that things are so tight schedule-wise - I just don't want to miss out on too much of my daughter's precious preschool days. At the moment I feel as if I am ferrying her and myself from one thing to the next - I miss just hanging out together.

My neighbour asked me if I'd look after her newborn today. It was only for twenty minutes but my daughter and I had fun making up silly songs and dances for the baby. I feel guilt and sadness that my daughter doesn't have the companionship in her life that having a sibling would bring - she is besotted with the neighbour's newborn.

I got triggered by a Mum at Kindy today who said she worked three days a week to escape her children - she really meant it! I know where she was coming from - all Mums need/should have some space - yet if I am lucky enough to be blessed with another child I won't be rushing back into the workforce in a hurry!

I am feeling some loss this week. Loss around striving to add to our family. Even though our financial goals are a big part of that decision, I am missing being active around adding to our family. I also have some grief coming up around my daughter starting school at the end of March. I had an appointment with special education and her new entrant teacher yesterday. It went well. But I know I will have a bit of the empty-nest thing going on once my daughter settles into school.

To top it all off, my back continues to give me grief and I am currently taped up for a few days. I feel quite irritable with the pain and discomfort and am over it!

I probably just need an early night. I have been go-go-go for a good couple of weeks and the wheels are starting to come off. I've had a positive few weeks of feeling okay, even great with my path. But today I am grieving.

Enjoying being something other than an infertile woman!

Life continues to be pretty jam-packed this end. I feel like I am racing from one thing to the next. In some ways I have been enjoying being busy and feeling fulfilled after the painful, empty days of SIF. In other ways I'd like to just stop and breathe for a minute!!

I had a lovely mother-daughter weekend in Wellington with my Mum. It was busy as we packed a lot in. I caught up with a couple of friends but didn't tell most of my friends I was going to be there. The friends I caught up with are both childless. I was having a child-free weekend I suppose and even though I'm in a good space around SIF; I still didn't fancy catching up with friends who have Completed Families.

I just now spoke with our social worker and have delayed our adoption plans - can you believe it?! I am amazed after so many years of feeling so desperate and in constant grief around having another child that I have just told our social worker that we won't be ready to adopt until October 2010 because of my new job/our plans to buy a house. But it feels good - it feels like the right thing to do.

I feel like I am letting go of my dreams to add to our family once again - in a healthy, realistic manner. It feels incredibly freeing to just let go of it - to carry on with our lives for a year while not worrying about how things will pan out in the future as far as adding to our family goes. If the worst case scenario happens and we don't get chosen by a birth family then at least we will have carried on with our lives as the family we are today while working towards our family goals.

I am really enjoying my new job though I am still working with my predecessor - we have a three week cross-over which isn't bad. I do feel a little out of place when I drop my daughter off at Kindy in the morning in my "work clothes" while the majority of Mums get around in their casual clothes. It is only three mornings a week that I am working but I do feel different at Kindy as a part-time working Mum. Who knows from the outside how it looks (and who really cares!) but it does feel even to me as though we have moved on from the baby, toddler and soon - in a few months - the preschool years!!

I told the social worker on the phone this afternoon that I wanted to be an at-home Mum all over again to a baby if we are picked by a birth family and to be able to achieve that - it seems best that I work now. At first I was surprised when the social worker said we should just delay the adoption process - her reasoning being there was no point in continuing with the assessments if things were going to change over the next few months. It makes sense and I do agree. I guess after all these years of pining for another child it seems unreal that we could have been just a few months away from being in the prospective adoptive parents pool and now it will be a year away.

I bumped into one of the adoptive Mums that was on our Education and Preparation course in September this week - as in she was one of the Mums sharing her story. I already knew her before the course - she's just the loveliest person. Somehow seeing her felt like a little reminder - a reassurance from God that our family may will grow in the future. But for now it all seems to be about going with the status quo and working with what we have as opposed to what we don't have.

Last week I picked up some professional photos we had taken of our wee family. Somehow having a recent photo up of just the three of us feels like another form of acceptance - for so long I couldn't bear family photos that seemed to be missing someone.

Life just doesn't always turned out the way we hope but sometimes the alternatives aren't that bad. I will be 42 when we go into the prospective parents pool! (I turned 41 in August). Even up until recently 42 was my age limit for adding to our family. But if we are on the books for two years that means I will be looking at becoming a Mum for the second time somewhere between the age of 42 and 44 years! When we first TTC our second child I wanted our family to be complete by the time I was 40 - never say never, I guess!

Tomorrow night is the second infertility support group here in Nelson. I'm not sure if all the same women from last time are coming again as I haven't heard from everyone - but there will be a couple of extra women hopefully coming for the first time. I'm looking forward to it though it would be nice if someone with SIF joined the group as so far the group has been comprised of PIs and myself.

God's plans for me may just make sense!

Wow, it's been an interesting time of late. A busy kind of interesting. And then interesting in regards to my head-space around SIF. I am absolutely amazed at how far I've come. I really feel as though SIF is close to becoming history. The door isn't quite shut - but it is close to it. Incredible!! After three long and painful years of feeling like I was never going to get over the devastation of not being able to conceive again; I now feel like I am getting over it!

SIF is not forgotten, however. The truth is; it comes up for me most days in some form. Today for example at the swimming pool before my daughter had her swimming lesson we watched a group of babies having a lesson. I have such fond memories of swimming lessons with my daughter when she was very young. I always knew those days were so, so precious. I never took them for granted. I knew I'd never get them back - and that I'd possibly never get another chance with another child going through the stages all over again.

I feel like I am in a different category to the "fertiles" out there. I feel like I ought to have "incomplete family" stamped across my chest. At the pool today there was a Mum I know with three kids. I met her when my daughter was six months old at a local playgroup. In the four years I've known her my family has remained the same size and hers has tripled! Yet I don't feel such strong resentment to the MOTs and MOTHs out there as I once did. I guess I am starting to accept my infertility and the journey I have been through.

There are still a few relationships around me that remain fractured because of SIF. But with a new job (and that is going very well!) and other commitments in my life right now; I am in no rush to build bridges with some of the people I feel I need to/want to. In the meantime I have simply let go of some friends. I am in touch - but not like I used to be. I don't play chase anymore. I just let things be.

A big change for me that has happened as a consequence of SIF (and there have of course been many changes!), is I no longer seem to have a best-friend! It's really bizarre; the three women I used to define as "close" were all unable to relate to/meet me halfway around SIF. Some big unspoken rifts have occured. For a while I felt a bit lonely losing these friendships or at least accepting the changing dynamics but now I just feel closer to God - He is my new best friend! He's the only one who was with me through-out SIF. Perhaps one of my lessons is I don't need a best-friend who I can confide everything to. Maybe those friends don't exist in the long-term. Instead I have lots of friends I share bits and pieces with.

I have had a couple of conversations lately with some women from the local IF support group I started up. So it's good to be able to talk IF stuff with women in the same town! The next meeting is Wednesday next week and there may be another new member coming along though I think the numbers will be about the same (there were six last time).

I tried to phone our social worker before around the adoption process. I'd like to have a wee chat with her just to update her on where we are at. I have been sitting on the next lot of paperwork since Oct 1 - almost a month! But since getting my new job, my husband and I have agreed we are in no big rush for the last quarter or so of the adoption process to take place.

I have been thinking a lot about adoption and what a big upheaval it will mean to our lives. I guess for so long I was quite selfish around SIF - so desperate for a baby that I had to have it now!! But now I think, and believe, that God is indicating quite clearly; that it's time to focus on some other things. Basically adoption needs to go on the back-burner/be lower on our list of priorities as we sort out some other stuff.

By other stuff I feel God is paving the way for adoption to hopefully happen - but we need to sort our finances and achieve our dream of house ownership before considering ourselves seriously as prospective adoptive parents.

I have also been thinking how next March will be a big time of change for our daughter as she turns five and starts school. I'm hoping around that time or shortly afterwards we might be able to buy our first home. These are going to be two big life-changes for our ASD daughter - and us (!) Not perhaps the best time for adding a baby to the mix. With that I have also thought how I'd like to have a good working record in both my current jobs since I live in a small town where reputation is very important. It will be two years in March that I would have worked in my job at the gallery. And next October will be a year in my new job.

I'm thinking (very much so out loud at this point!) that we might want to put our profile into the prospective adoptive pool around October next year. Our daughter will be five and a half by then. We should be settled into a new home. And I would have worked a year in my new job. Essentially it will mean we'll be delaying the adoption process by six months as originally I was aiming to be finished by March 2010 but what's six months when we've been waiting three plus years for another baby?

These plans all make perfect sense to me and are all driven by God. The thing is, once we've handed in our profile and it starts circulating with birth families, I just really want us to be ready - not to be scrambling money together and trying to work out how things will - well, work out. By delaying things by a few months, we have time to buy our first home and will have nothing to lose really except for a bit of time/ a larger age gap between our children (if we get picked!)

If we put our profiles into the pool any earlier, I would be worried that I would get "the call" that would (let's face it) temporarily disrupt our lives. What I'm trying to get at is we have this window of time to basically be in a better financial position, including probably home ownership before opening our hearts to another child. I just feel like I am meant to be working right now - it is definitely God's Will. My heart still sinks when I see babies yet at the same time - that path at this point in time just doesn't feel like mine anymore.

I think it is quite exciting watching God orchestrate things.

I'm looking forward to flying to Wellington tomorrow night for the weekend to have some girl-time with my Mum. It will be great. The best thing I've been able to do for myself on this journey is to plan some fun weekends away - so very, very important.

Letting God pave the way

Wow, life is well and truly pretty busy for me right now. Never too busy for a blog update though! ;) It's still a very important part of my SIF healing to update my blog regularly. With every post I write, I feel one step further away from the pain of SIF and one step closer to calling our little family complete, regardless of what happens on the adoption side of things.

Our little family has just been away for three nights - just twenty minutes away at my Mum's holiday home. I still worked Sunday but there was a bit of time for some r & r. Admittedly I have been a bundle of nerves since I accepted my new job that starts tomorrow morning. It's not so much the job I am nervous about - more the juggling act that will come about (and that has already come about) as a consequence of taking on some more working hours.

I'm not sure sure how I will fit it all in - dates with my husband, gym time, housework, two part-time jobs, ferrying my daughter to Kindy and to her other activities, family time, downtime, ASD-related meetings and voluntary community stuff. It will be a stretch but it is doable - just!

I do believe in the saying: God never gives us more than we can handle. And I can handle my new change in routine. It will be hectic but I will make sure I keep things balanced as much as possible.

This afternoon my husband and I had one of our dates while our daughter was looked after by her respite carer. We went for a walk on the beach and then for coffee at a local cafe. We talked about the adoption process and how at this stage it's up to us how fast or slow the rest of the process goes. Ironically after three plus years of hoping for another shot at motherhood - we are leaning on the latter speed for the adoption process for us - we are taking our time with it. It's a timing thing. I'm starting a new job tomorrow that will eventually lead us to owning our own home. We have been waiting for a very long time for things to improve financially for us - now they have we'd like to be in the money as such for a little while to get us back on our feet.

I'd like to be reasonably settled in my new job too before approaching our bank for a home loan - which is part of the criteria anyway for getting a home loan (actually been in a job for a decent amount of time). A (the job) leads to B (the house) in our situation (and in many people's, of course). After B for us comes C - maybe - an adoptive child.

There is no doubt about it - we needed to be more financially secure before we could be prospective adoptive parents. It seems there is no time like the present to start preparing for a possible future with an adoptive child than now.

The only thing is if we get chosen by a birth family and I then have to give up my job - which I would - then we would obviously have to be careful how big of a mortgage we take on. We would be first-home owners anyway and my husband and I have agreed that we will have to have as low a mortgage as possible so that it could be covered by one income.

Ideally/originally I would have liked to have had two children close in age like the majority of families out there so I could have being an at-home Mum for x amount of years and then gradually returned to the work-force as the kids got older.

The way things have worked out have meant things have been a bit messy financially. But I do trust that God is paving the way for us - that I am meant to have this job which could lead to a house and which could lead to a baby. We will soon see!

I feel like I/we are on the brink of a new chapter. SIF is part of who I was for so long. But I have turned that around. I really do believe and feel that. A few months back I gave away my maternity gear to a second-hand store. It was a big step in my acceptance that I wouldn't have a bump again. Taking on this second job feels like another step in accepting that the whole two (biological) kids deal wasn't on the agenda for us. It's about me walking away from a dream and being ok with it. I am quite amazed that I feel quite settled within the aftermath of SIF.

It's going to be a busy week - I of course start my new job, have a meeting to go to tonight, have my book-club on one evening, a Kindy committee meeting, physio appointments at the gym (plus gym work-outs to squeeze in) plus all the usual Mum-stuff. I know once I've crossed off my first day and then first week in my new job I will start to adjust to my new routine.

Next weekend I'm away again - off to see Mamma Mia! the stage show with my Mum in Wellington! (yep - just me! - am leaving hubby and daughter behind!) I'm sure I'll slip in at least one more post before then. But I do plan to be extra-kind to myself and to have as many early nights as possible this week with all that is going on.

Feeling overwhelmed - but not about SIF!

I am still rapt that I am starting my new job next week. But I do feel quite overwhelmed by it. Not the job so much although I know I will be challenged as it is a lot more corporate/office-based than what I have been doing the last few years. I feel more overwhelmed around how full my plate feels right now - it is basically overflowing!

I guess in time I will get used to my job and fitting it in my week. But at the moment I am quite anxious about having to get my daughter to Kindy by 8.30am three mornings a week so I can get to my job by 9am. I have mananged to avoid rushed mornings up to this point and have appreciated that there is no particular start-time with Kindy - it's just when you get there! I have normally aimed for 9am but sometimes we are later. With my daughter's ASD; we can have some rather slow starts to the day. I feel quite stressed and worried about that. But a friend up the road said I can drop her off at her place and she can take her to Kindy if I ever need to (her eldest daughter goes to the same Kindy.)

Financially our little family will be better off yet I know we will feel my extra working hours in the week. I am someone who needs her down time too and I will miss all the free time I have had in the mornings up until this point.

It sounds as if I am having a bit of a moan but really I do just feel quite stretched right now. I am involved in a few groups in the community and in true Lynda-style; am realising I may have bitten off more than I can chew! Yet at the same time I don't want to give anything up as they are all causes I want to support!

I'm trying to remind myself to take it all One Day At A Time. I've also given myself three months to settle into this new job.

I've also had some grief come up around letting go of being a full-time at-home Mum. I feel this is what God wants me to do - take on this other job - but I will miss being a full-time Mum. I've had a cry about that already! I have always cherished being an at-home Mummy as I have known since my daughter arrived that we might have issues having another child - which we did of course in the end. So I've been very careful about taking on employment as I didn't want to have any regrets. Up until now my husband has looked after our daughter while I've worked at nights or in the weekends. Although she'll be at Kindy during term-time; I'll have to look for a babysitter or work something out with friends in the school holidays.

As a good friend of mine always reminds me: God has the plan and the time-table. This job won't be forever. Perhaps it is just for a while to help us get our finances back on track, to get ourselves into our own home and (let's be honest) to look good on paper for the adoption process.

I cannot fathom how our adoption plans are going to tie in with me taking on more work - once again - God has the plan and the time-table! I worry about little things like say we do get picked by a birth family then I would have to leave my job and give very little notice - not good for my CV or future employment in this small town!! I just have to really trust God with the details because I know He is sorting it all out for us - it's just a very different plan to the one I had!

I guess I had hoped to still be an at-home Mum when our second child came to us - not to be out in the work-force again for a while - and then to come back into the home again full-time when the baby arrived.

Although it still saddens me and hurts a wee bit when I see the MOTs at Kindy wheeling off their babies and toddlers down the road after I've dropped my daughter off; I do have this new acceptance that that wasn't my path. I guess God wants me to go out there and do some other things with my life - aside from motherhood - before another baby may or may not enter our lives.

I have finally started tackling the adoption assessment form I've been sitting on for over three weeks! It's the last big form we will have to do before a series of interviews with our social worker. It's like taking a big inventory of our lives - telling our story - warts and all. It's not easy yet at the same time - I'm glad I've made a start on it as it isn't as bad as I thought it might be.

I feel as though God has filled my head and my week with a ton of stuff outside of SIF/adoption. As of next week I will lose my morning routine of checking into Dailystrength, for example. Often I check in at night as well so it will become a once-a-day thing (or less). Which is probably not a bad thing. It's all part of my SIF healing, I suppose.

Embracing my new path

For so long - it seems like forever - my quest has been to have another child. This desire has defined my life. I lived what has felt like a very small life for so very long. Small in the sense that SIF was my world. I lived it, dreamed it and didn't know any other way to be.

Somewhere along the way in recent times I let go of that dream to have another child - in particular, another biological child. The letting go was incredibly painful. It didn't happen overnight - it was a very gradual and not entirely gentle (!) process.

I'm on the other side of SIF and as a consequence I feel closer to God and my faith in Him has grown. The other night, the eve before a very important job interview (to me) I decided to go into a local chain-store and buy some brand new interview clothes. I did this as I realised my whole wardrobe was pretty much about casual, Mummy clothes. And I hadn't had an upgrade for quite some time. Even at my Sunday job at a gallery I wear casual clothes as I get covered in dust and all sorts so it's a natural dress code.

As I walked around the woman's section the Mums-to-be clothing range was staring proudly in front of me. I sighed inwardly because for so long I had dreamt of coming into a store and buying some new maternity gear. But, God was directing me on this particular evening to the corporate women's clothing - black tailored pants and a crisp white shirt worlds away from the maternity gear.

I felt so strongly that God wanted me to go for this job. To really put my best foot forward. So I did. I got my hair-cut, bought the corporate clothes and turned up for my interview yesterday afternoon as if I wanted this job more than anything in the world. An hour after I left the interview I was phoned up and offered the position - and I accepted!

It is only ten hours a week. Yet it is a big thing for me to take on a job working during the week. My Sunday job has been a bit of a no-brainer - and I love it (and will keep doing it for now). But this job will challenge me - as a community educator coordinator at a local college (highschool). I have negotatied three mornings a week. It's a big thing because I had dreamt of coming home to my other child for so long after dropping off my daughter at Kindy. Now I will be a part-time working-Mum - a Mum who drops off her preschooler early in the morning a few times a week so she can race off to work. I am excited, scared and relieved all at once. I will lose some gym-time and me-time but I'm ready to do something else with my time.

The job is pretty well paid for a part-time position and will relieve our family of the financial strain we have been feeling for many months. After I was offered the job, it was as though I could physically feel a huge burden being taken off both my husband and I's shoulders. We have been living off so little for so long - now we will be able to get back on top of things financially.

We both feel a lot more hope around buying a home and even adoption with this new job of mine. To be honest, one of the reasons I've been sitting on the assessment forms we have to fill out for the adoption process for the last two or three weeks is because financially I knew things were going to look pretty bleak on paper. Now I feel inspired to get those forms under way.

Ideally, we'd like to be in our own home if and when we get chosen by a birth family.

I have to trust God in His timing with things - and I do trust him. I do. I have been looking for over six months for a part-time position that would fit in with family life. I've had two interviews and several rejection letters so I'm pretty rapt to finally get a job. Ironically I have another interview on Tuesday which I will go to out of curiosity. The pay is less but I'm still interested in hearing about that position.

I guess for so long I have felt stuck between the fertile and infertile worlds as a secondary infertile. Now I feel almost as though I no longer need to be defined by SIF. God is pushing me into greener pastures. They aren't the pastures I had originally hoped for but they will be great. I know they will. It's all part of God's plan. The beginning of a very positive chapter, I believe.

An emotional backlash

I'm not surprised that I've had a bit of an emotional backlash around starting an infertility support group. When I first had the idea to start the group, around two years ago when I was in the midst of the dark part of my SIF journey; I was quite apprehensive about actually starting a group for fear that I would end up being the only SI. Back then it would have been too much - having the SIs guilts in a room full of women going through PI.

Two years on, which brings us to the here and now, I still anticipated I could be the only SI or at least - one of just a few SIs yet was prepared to feel a bit like the odd one out. I formed the group primarily for women going through IF because I felt there was a very strong need for one in this community. I am absolutely rapt that the ball has started rolling and that the group has been officially launched. It has certainly helped me in my SIF healing starting this group.

But I have felt post-meeting somewhat guilty for sitting in a room with a handful of childless women who would give anything to be in my shoes. Don't get me wrong; nobody has indicated they feel any kind of resentment towards me - not at all. But in the past week since the meeting; I have noted all the wonderful Mummy moments I've had - which have been many. How I get to go on outings into town on the bus with my preschooler, how I get to tuck a child into bed at the end of the day and have precious cuddles and kisses, and how I get to watch my daughter grow and blossom as a very lucky at-home Mum.

At the same time, as I have been experiencing some SI guilt - my SIF grief has flared up ever-so-slightly as I've spied more bumps and babies in my Mum circles, as my neighbours second child grows up so fast before my eyes and as I watch other Kindy Mums heading off down the road with their toddlers and babies after dropping off their Kindy children. I feel, once again, in the middle of the road somewhere - somewhere between the fertile world and the infertile world.

I am in a good place with it all, however. I have been feeling very close to the God of my understanding over the last few weeks. I get and accept that I am on a different path - to the women who went/are going through primary infertility - and to the women who go on to produce an army of kids. I am simply on my own journey. It's a spiritual journey, as it turns out. In many ways it isn't even about SIF. It's about God getting me where it hurts in order to teach me a thing or two!

Yep, SIF has been a big wake-up call in my life. It's only the beginning of the aftermath of my SIF; but already I am feeling a lot stronger, more clear about what I want out of life (in every area) and am feeling a new level of peace and serenity. Of course SIF was not a fun ride. And obviously I am still affected by it. But I wouldn't and can't turn back the clock. I am simply just where I am meant to be in my life.

I certainly have a new compassion or at least a means of expressing that compassion to others. When a woman I don't know so well recenty shared her sad cancer news with me I wondered how I might handle her disclosure so she knew I cared without being too invasive. I ended up sending her a card in the post which she will get after her surgery.

I think at the end of the day all of us just want to be acknowledged in our pain - when we go through big stuff in life. I do have some work to do around many of the relationships around me and how in my eyes they failed to support me in my SIF. I understand that people just do the best with what they know. But still; I wasn't supported in the way I needed or wanted to be. Ironically, I believe I was meant to go through SIF mainly on my own as an exercise in strength, faith, and hope. I feel I could survive anything after SIF. It was (notice the past tense!) quite simply the worst personal crisis I've ever been through.

I am excited about life again! There is some great stuff coming up around the corner - I know it and feel it. I will sit down and start the next adoption assessment application this week. I've been sitting on it for a couple of weeks. I'm not rushing. This baby - if there is one - is coming in God's time. I can't force it to happen any faster so I may as well go with what feels right and natural as far as the adoption process goes.

I seem to be quite involved with several community organisations now - on the committe for our local autism group, the founder of our local infertility support group, on my daughter's Kindy committee, providing service for a 12 step programme and I have a job interview next week for yet another community organisation. It's almost as though I am moving into my calling - or moving into what I'm meant to be doing right now. It seems to be about giving.

I think it will be very interesting to see how things pan out over the next six or twelve months. At this point in time I am just so very, very glad to be out of the woods with SIF. I am very grateful for that!

First IF support group

Last night I chaired the first IF support group in a meeting room in town. There were six of us present!! I was blown away that that many women came to the first meeting considering I only started advertising it just over three weeks ago.

I set up some very clear boundaries and obviously will remain respectful of those who attended the meeting by not revealing any personal sharings. We are all in very different stages of our journies but we could all relate to the 7 seven stages of grief that we talked about for a bit. I brought a box of tissues along and they were used!

I now feel as though I am part of something quite special in the town I live in! I cannot believe after three years of virtually going through SIF on my own; I can now talk face-to-face with women who have either been through similar or have come out on the other side of it all.

The meeting was just over an hour long and everyone who phoned turned up! After the meeting we had a cuppa. I baked some banana chocolate-chip muffins and there was nothing but warmth, understanding and compassion in the room. I'm looking forward to the next meeting on November 4th. (the meetings are monthly). I have emailed a contact list out to everyone who attended the meeting as some obvious connections were made even at the first meeting. How wonderful if friendships form because of this group. :)

Yesterday afternoon I had the pleasure of looking after my neighbour's newborn for about an hour as my neighbour wanted to mow her lawns and do some dishes - her baby likes to be held a lot even when sleeping. It was really nice actually to do a bit of my internet stuff while holding such a precious little package. It has been a loooooong time since I actually held a newborn for more than a couple of minutues. My daughter was quite intrigued by baby B and even requested a go at holding her. I managed to get some delightful photos of her and baby B!

I was in a good space when holding baby B and actually it just made me feel as though this could be a possibility for our little family one day - I could end up holding our baby one day and our daughter might one day have a photo taken of her and her actual sibling!

My husband and I were talking about how God works in mysterious ways. With our daughter's ASD she needs to be warmed up to change (if possible) over a longer period of time than "typical" kids. So God could be preparing her - possibly - for a sibling in the future by forming a bond with the neighbour's baby.

As far as the adoption side of things goes, I have given myself a wee break from it. We have some paperwork to fill out for the next step which will be followed up with some intensive sessions with our social worker. I'm not quite ready to delve into the nitty-gritty side of the application assessment form we need to fill in. I'll have a look at it next week. Besides, I've been very busy with the school holidays (which finish at the end of this week). I've had some great mother-daughter days as well as a few playdates these school holidays - and not too many playdates with the MOTs out there! My daughter is happy and has relaxed into the hols. I've truly felt grateful to have some extra time with my four and a half year old these school hols.

Letter going out to health professionals

Hi,

This letter is an explanation as to why I have started an infertility support group here in Nelson.

After being blessed with a daughter who was conceived naturally and without any fertility issues; it has been a long three year journey in accepting that I cannot conceive any more children. I have been so desperate to conceive that I have sought help with my secondary infertility from my family Dr, a gynaecologist, a couple of herbalists, an acupuncturist, and even a vibrational healer! I have been to three counsellors – including one marriage counsellor.

In the last three years I have felt misunderstood, judged, isolated, less-than the fertile women out there, ashamed of my infertility, guilty of wanting another child, and very, very alone. Because there were no active infertility support groups in Nelson when I was in the throes of secondary infertility a couple of years ago; I joined an on-line group. It has been an incredible support.

Infertility is hard to understand unless you’ve been through it. Family and friends don’t tend to be able to grasp that infertility is a continual grief process. Those on the outside make silly comments that are hurtful to infertile women. Many women get pregnant at the drop of the hat and this can cause big rifts and sometimes be the end of relationships between infertile and fertile women.

Recently when attending a course to do with the adoption process; it was clear that infertility was the elephant in the room. Obviously all of the attendees of the course had had their own struggles with infertility but it wasn’t discussed. I thought it was sad that we’d all been through this on our own. Surely infertility doesn’t need to be as lonely as it often is.

I consider myself to be at the end of my secondary infertility journey. I don’t want other women in the same boat to feel as alone and isolated as I did so I’ve started up an infertility support group that is open to all women who are either currently struggling with or are dealing with the aftermath of primary or secondary infertility. It is a women’s-only group, as I believe women feel infertility on so many levels – in mind, body and soul. Losing ones fertility is devastating to a woman but it is only something that other women who have experienced the same loss can truly understand. A woman’s despair around her infertility can impact a partnership or a marriage. Women need somewhere to share their infertility angst in private. Often men don’t need to analyse things as much as the infertile woman does! She needs to make sense of this injustice that is happening to her – and most of all – she needs to vent, be heard, understood and accepted for where she is at within her infertility journey.

At the time of writing I have had four phone-calls. Three from women very keen to attend the first meeting – and one from a member of another support group congratulating me on starting such a group. I know Nelson needs this group and I know there are many other women out there who are eligible to attend. Meetings are held monthly in town. Those interested can contact me by phone for further information.

I thank you for taking the time to read this letter and hope you will be able to pass on this information when relevant. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions about the group.

Regards,


Lynda

Education and Preparation Programme (for adoption) debrief

Yesterday morning my husband and I had a debrief with our social worker about the two day course we attended in September - the Education and Preparation Programme (for adoption). The debrief was about forty-five minutes long and was good - gave us an opportunity to indicate where we are at with our own thinking around the adoption process.

One of the things I mentioned in the debrief was how going through the domestic adoption process here in New Zealand where the emphasis is on open adoption; my thinking had shifted around children belonging to us. Open adoption is all about the child - it isn't about fulfilling the parents needs or ownership. It isn't about replacing the biological child we couldn't have. It is very different. Really you are helping another family who isn't able to raise a child and therefore are helping a child.

We have been given an application assessment to fill out where we are to write in bullet-point form about the following topics: family history, extended family, education, health and wellbeing, family and household, home, current employment, adult work history, income and assets, safety, parenthood, adoption (type of) and an information update.

Once this is sent off to our social worker, we will have at least two sessions with her to talk about any issues that have come up along the way about our case as well as one home visit. The social worker asked yesterday if I was still on the antidepressants (I went on them for six months when in a very dark phase of SIF) and I said I wasn't. No doubt I will get a chance to explain how things have been since I came off them.

To be honest, after yesterday's appointment I wasn't left with a feeling of Yippee! This is us! It was more like Is this right for us? I suppose because it was the first time we sat down face to face with a social worker; things felt way more serious. And things came up. Like me previously being on anti-depressants. Our daughter's ASD. And our financial situation - it isn't the best. We've had a tough year financially and I fear that could go against us in the adoption process (even though we passed the financial overview in the first assessment). I am feeling quite scrutinised - which I know is part of the adoption process. But it seems so ridiculous in some ways when we are already parents and would have raised a second child if I had gotten pregnant, regardless of how things have been financially and all the other perceived "issues" in our lives.

The social worker brought up considering whether or not we'd be open to adopting a known special needs child. We have already decided no. We have one already - our daughter with our ASD. Of course autism is not something that is known in the prenatal stage or at birth. But some other special needs are - obviously physical ones. We haven't signed any papers yet to say that is what we don't want to do. Yet it stirs me up somewhat having to even think that.

Once again, if I'd gotten pregnant I would have accepted a child however it came to us. But it's about facing reality. We have been quite challenged in our ASD journey with our daugter. I/we don't think it would be fair to our daughter, to us or another child with (known) special needs to have two children with special needs in our family. I would never terminate a baby unless for some medical reason I was forced to. So it feels somewhat odd to almost be requesting a "perfect" baby from someone else. Boy does thinking about some of this stuff play with the heart-strings!!

I guess the adoption process right now is feeling a bit uncomfortable for me. No-one said it was going to be an easy ride. There are no guarantees it will happen for us and it is emotional at times. Still, we want to proceed with things so I will continue to try to take it all one day at a time.

My back is killing me, I have a wee cold and AF arrived yesterday so health-wise I'm all over the place - and I know my mind is the same. AF arriving is quite a big deal for me as I haven't had a period (apart from a light bleed last month) for six months. I really thought AF had gone forever! This morning I am going to try to get hold of my Dr as I'd like to do a day two FSH test and follow it up with an appointment with my Dr to talk about the letter I have from the gyno who delivered my daughter who wanted to be contacted should I have trouble conceiving (and she never was contacted). I just want to shut the door on SIF and to understand it the best I can from the medical perspective; even if it cannot be explained. It's worth a try.

Yesterday my husband said a friend had called him to tell him they were pregnant with their third child. This was on the day of our appointment with the social worker. It was like a punch to the stomach. I certainly don't feel like offering my congrats right away.

I guess within the adoption process I feel as though we are being judged - to see if we are good enough to make the mark as prospective adoptive parents. I understand and know this is necessary yet it plays on my inadequacies as a parent - my whole "stinking thinking" around why I couldn't have another biological child. Sigh.

Another woman phoned about the infertility support group so there will be four of us next Wednesday. They all sound lovely on the phone - intelligent, onto-it women. It feels like the beginning of something really great.