Infertility prayers

I felt like I needed a prayer to get me through my day and so googled infertility and prayer and found these on Beliefnet. I shed a few tears when I read "In The Face Of Fertility Challenges Prayer". Might have to print that one out.

St. David's Infertility Prayer

Thank you, Lord for all the blessings in my life. Help me to remember them as I face the challenges of infertility. I pray that I can surrender myself into your hands. Let me accept the reality of this situation and have the wisdom and courage to take action where I can. Strengthen my body, mind and spirit to endure the trials of infertility. Keep me ever mindful of the needs of others and grant us your peace. Amen.

In the Face of Fertility Challenges
Lord, help me to know that You are enough. Take my eyes off of myself. Take my eyes off of the child I desire. Help me to delight myself in You. Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will. I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child. I don't want wanting to have a baby to be a stumbling block between You and me anymore. Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You. Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands. Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing. Lord, You know that I still desire a baby - someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You. But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me. Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path. Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts, and prepare the child who will share our home. If adoption is not Your will for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan. Help me to stay submitted to my husband's will, and to Your will. If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts. Thank You for lifting my burden. Help me to keep You first! Let me seek Your face daily, and let me know that You are enough!
Prayer to Heal the Pain of Infertility
Dear Lord, the pain of infertility is so deep. All of our lives, we dream of being mothers, of raising children with loving hearts to do your will on this earth. Month after month when that dream does not come true, it so painful, Lord. We feel like our dreams die each month with empty arms. Please guide us to trust in your plan for us. We desperately need you in our lives. Thank you for all the blessings we do have, knowing through you all things are possible. Amen

.

I also found this from The Fertility Community:

The Infertile Patient's Prayer

Lord, Give me Strength...

• To keep my cool when another period starts.
• To keep my chin up when a co-worker announces her pregnancy.
• To have a good relationship with my friend in spite of her ability to conceive easily and not be jealous of her.
• To endure my sister-in-law's comments about toilet training.
• To keep from crying when I see children begging on the roads.
• To forgive my doctor when he keeps me waiting for two hours for a consultation - and then can't remember my name.
• To make the right decision about treatment.
• To maintain a good relationship with my husband in spite of all this.

It's helpful to remember the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr. " God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I also found the below prayer on Catholic Infertility:

Prayer to St. Gerard

O good St. Gerard,
powerful intercessor before God
and Wonder-worker of our day,
I call on you and seek your help.
You who on earth did always fulfil God's design,
help me to do the Holy Will of God.
Beseech the Master of Life,
from whom all paternity proceeded,
to make me fruitful in offspring,
that I may raise up children to God in this life
and heirs to the Kingdom of His glory
in the world to come. Amen.

Going through the motions of SIF

So I have my day 21 progestertone blood test today to check for ovulation. It's only a blood test yet I am on some level anxious about the results as the test could possibly reveal how "successful" my surgery was (or wasn't). I am in fear around what comes next or rather if what comes next is going to work. It's back to trusting that both God - and my gyno (!) are looking after my needs.

I try not to stay here too much these days but I am back in that place of fearing that it's not going to work out. I read somewhere about "cautious optimism" when facing IF. It's such a hard space to be in - having hope while trying to be realistic at the same time. Surgery and fertility treatments aren't a form of magic, after all. Sigh.

I have been printing out my blog over the last few nights so I have all the hard copies on file for editing purposes for my SIF book. However it has no doubt not helped reading about some of my really dark times within SIF. I have come a long way in my six months of blogging about SIF. Yet the pain, the disappointment, the fear, the hopelessness and the depression still come up. But not as much or as intensely as before, I am thinking. I do think I hit a rock bottom around SIF at Christmas and have been working hard to get out of that hole ever since. Blogging and Dailystrength have been my saviours. I'm not sure where I'd be right now had I not being able to work through the motions of SIF with those that understand.

I haven't taken my daughter to any of her groups this week because of her op and then vomiting bug. But I will probably take her to Music today. Already I am cringing as I think about all the bumps and second children that will be there. But my blood test is just down the road so we may as well go afterwards. My daughter has had a very quiet week socially and is no doubt ready for some socialising. The thing is, I don't think I am up to socialising in the world of MOTS and bumps today. But I'll probably get over myself once we actually go to Music and get into the class - hopefully!

The second child gets forgotten a lot

I've heard this comment a few times over the last couple of weeks - about how the second child often gets forgotten. Comments like this anger me. I'm sure most parents love all their children equally. However I cannot help but wonder if on some level the fact that when children arrive easily, their presence may be taken for granted.

One MOT recently at Playgroup remarked that her second child was having to fend for himself a lot more than her first child. Another MOT friend forgot she had brought her second child to an indoor play area recently. We were so busy talking while watching our three year olds play that her nine month old crawled out of our vision without anyone noticing for a few minutes.

I'm not implying the parents who've been blessed with two or more off-spring love their children any less. Just that perhaps if they came easily, that they aren't perhaps embraced as the miracles they are.

I'm sure a primary infertile might feel the same about the secondary infertile - that all that bleating on about not having a second child must surely mean she doesn't totally love and appreciate her one child. However as any SI will attest; we are very much in love with our children. We just simply have a lot of room in our hearts to love one more.

I've nannied for larger families - one family of four, for instance and understand the dynamics of a bigger family. The more kids there are, the harder it is to watch them individually. And perhaps when your second child (or third, or fourth) comes along quite soon after your first, when you're still quite jaded and exhausted within parenthood, the milestones and wonder of babyhood and childhood don't shine as much as they did the first time round. Perhaps. This probably sounds a bit bitter and it probably is.

Maybe the fact I don't know where I'm at within my cycle is bringing up my TTC fears all over again. I could be on day 19 but am really not sure since AF was quite light and a week early after my op. I have a day 21 progesterone test to take and I'm not sure if I should just take it anyway. If I take it I have to do so on day 20 since day 21 falls on a Saturday and the lab won't be open then. Or perhaps I should just flag this cycle, wait til AF comes and do the progesterone test next month. Which means another month of waiting/in limbo. It might be that I'm ovulating anyway post-op and don't need the Clomid so have nothing to worry about. But I'm pretty sure I didn't ovulate this cycle. Argh. The angst of should I/shouldn't I do this/that within SIF. I guess I'm going to have to try the gyno surgery and see if The Snarky Receptionist can help shed some light here. Oh joy.

UPDATE: I just phoned my gyno's surgery and the receptionist was actually quite nice (might have been the other receptionist, not sure!) Anyway I'm to do the day 21 progesterone test tomorrow and perhaps the test will be repeated again next month. I'm grumpy today. I just need to let the SIF shit go. It's been a hard week with my daughter's op then vomiting bug. She seems okay so far today but hasn't eaten much for the last few days so it'll be a quiet one. I'm three weeks post-op and feeling great physically! Back to work this Sunday, and just phoned the gym - I'll go back next week and take my membership off hold then. I just need to refocus on the positive as I can feel a part of me is starting to spiral into the SIF woes again. I will not be beaten by SIF!

Sometimes I don't feel like a real Mum

As a MOO, I sometimes don't feel like a real Mum. I know this is ridiculous but I feel because I run a household that is not overly chaotic, with just one child in it, and I that have a life evolving outside of motherhood, that I'm not a "proper" Mum.

So what's a proper Mum? One who has several children demanding her attention at once, one who ferries a multitude of children to their different after-school activities, and one who has virtually no time to herself as she pours all her love, time and energy into her off-spring?

I'm not sure where these preconceived ideas of a proper Mum come from. I have noted that on many committees around the place it is the MOTs and MOTHs who put their hands up. I have felt some guilt around this as as a MOO I obviously have a bit more time to help out. I do write a bimonthly column for free for the local parents centre newsletter, however. That's my contribution for now.

I received a copy of the newsletter in the mail today. Of course the majority of members are new parents so no surprises that the content is mainly about babies and pregnancy. Yet I found it upset me a little today to read about the expanding families of some of the committee members who put the newsletter together. Once again I feel like I'm being left behind at the starters gate in the dust of the MOTs and MOTHs. One of the Mums I did an antenatal yoga class with when pregnant with my daughter is a MOTH-to-be and her eldest is younger than my one and only! How did that happen so fast? Three under-threes in the blink of an eye, it would seem.

I feel like a fraud on some level as a MOO. I am even contemplating stopping my column for the newsletter as me talking about family issues with the one three year old doesn't seem relevant to new families out there (which is my target audience).

Yet today as my daughter lay on the couch, tired and pale after several bouts of vomiting, I lay with her and I did feel like a real Mum. I also feel like a real Mum when I do some baking for the family and my daughter licks the spoon, when I dish up the family tea at 5pm every night, and when I sing the ABCs, do jig-saw puzzles or make sand castles with my daughter. There are lots of moments and occasions when I feel like a Mum. I certainly don't think my MOO friends aren't proper Mums. Not at all. So why I see myself like this sometimes, I don't know.

I dunno what's up with me tonight. Just the same old SIF woes bubbling away. Not in a big way. But in the background somehow.

Infertility and fairy-tales: who knew?

My daughter is sick today with a vomiting bug that started around 5.30pm last night. It's not thought to be connected to her surgery but she has an appointment with the family doctor at 1pm. So it's been a case of tv and audio stories to get us through the morning.

My daughter's favourite audio fairy-tale is The Gingerbread Man. Both my husband and I sat up at the start of the story recently: Once upon a time, an old woman and her husband lived alone in a little old house. They had a dog, a cat, a horse and a cow but something was missing.The couple had no children, and being lonely, the woman decided to make a boy (out) of gingerbread. (Click here for the rest of the story.)

I did a quick search on the Net and there are references to infertility in a couple of fairy-tales, just as there are in The Bible. I found a site that provides the annotated versions of The Gingerbread Man and Sleeping Beauty. Very interesting, I thought. Obviously infertility has existed across the ages yet we are led to believe it's a modern condition, especially with the accessibility of fertility drugs and treatments. Imagine being an infertile a generation or two ago when the average family was around the size of a sports team. Secondary infertiles would have stood out like a sore thumb back then too, no doubt.

Anyway, my daughter's asleep on the couch. The poor things had a rough week so far. Hopefully she's on the mend now though.

Daughter's op went well

Although we haven't had an official post-op debrief; my daughter is doing well. I was so proud of her at the hospital today. She was completely relaxed and cool about being wheeled around in a bed and lay there grinning away clutching the new Tigger soft-toy I gave her today as a hospital present/distraction.

My husband didn't come up and when it came to the crunch; I wished he was there. Not that he could have come into theatre as well (only one parent allowed) but a shoulder to cry on afterwards would have been nice! It was awful watching my daughter being put to sleep. I cried afterwards and the nurse that led me out of theatre gave me a fistful of tissues and commented she kept the tissues handy in the corridor out of theatre implying I certainly wasn't the first parent who lost it in that circumstance! It was a long hour or so waiting for my daughter on the other side of her op. But I managed to read a couple of mags and got a scone from the cafeteria. The next horrible bit was standing outside the recovery room, listening to my daughter cry for a couple of minutes before I was allowed to go in. I swear it was the longest two minutes of my life!!

My daughter wasn't initially so happy post-surgery in her ward but before long perked up once she had some water, two gingernuts, a pottle of yoghurt and some raisins. We came home and watched some tele while we had a bit of a lunch then we both had a hour and a half long nap which was nice. She's doing good. The trickiest part from now on is keeping her bandage on for the next two days. She has an appointment in about two weeks to see how things are going.

What I realised today without thinking too much about it - more on a feeling level - is how precious our family of three is. It may have only been a small operation, but it was enough to cause vulnerability within our family. Today my desire/grief for another child isn't relevant. It feels as though it is fading into the background a bit - the whole SIF deal. Even know I am committed to writing my SIF books; it feels as though I am somehow able to put all my emotions in a SIF box at this time and just get on with it. I am always wary of making claims like this, however, as often SIF bites me back on the bum when I least expect it so I ain't gonna get too cocky here! Lets just say I am appreciating and enjoying not being consumed by SIF at this time.

I've been printing out my posts/entries from this blog. It's been going for six months now and there is a lot of material to work with. I have essentially already written a book! I feel really good about writing the SIF books - like they are meant to be. It has certainly ignited my passion for writing and it just feels like I'm really going to do it. I am one hundred percent committed! It's not a pipe dream - it's for real.

Daughter's trigger-thumb op tomorrow

This time tomorrow I will be up at the hospital with our daughter for her trigger-thumb surgery. Her pre-op check appointment went well on Tuesday. Both my husband and I went along to that and it was very straight-forward. The actual op is quite short (under half an hour). I'm going to just dress her in her (old) PJs rather than trying to get her into a hospital gown. I'm allowed to go into theatre with her as she's put under, have to leave for the op, and then will get called back in when she's waking up in the recovery room. I'm very grateful for that as I really could not imagine watching her being whisked off into theatre without me. They reckon we'll be back my lunchtime tomorrow. I am slightly anxious but know she'll be in very good hands. It actually helps that I've had surgery recently that went well at the same hospital!

When we were up at Paediatrics on Tuesday I thought of all the really sick children in hospital. The threat of not perhaps being able to have another child is a hard pill to swallow most days but I was extremely grateful on Tuesday that all that's wrong with my daughter is her trigger-thumb. She's in excellent health overall. Nursing a seriously ill child must be the one of the most terrifying things you could ever go through. No doubt the worst fear most parents have is of losing their off-spring. Friend no. 4 (who is in her mid-sixties) had six children but two have died in the last fifteen years - one in his twenties, the other in his late thirties. I cannot imagine going through that. Actually, I can. The truth is - I don't want to think about going through that too much.

When I watched news coverage of the quake in China recently, it was so, so sad to see many parents in China grieving the only child that they had. I've heard it said a few times that one of the reasons parents have more than one child, subconsciously or not, is in case tragedy strikes. I guess with just one child I feel just that more vulnerable. My daughter is my world. She really is. I simply cannot imagine my life without her in it.

I feel blessed to have my cheeky, lively three year old. I am still in awe a lot of the time that I am actually a parent. I think it's quite miraculous that I conceived a child - especially given my infertility of late. Once again I feel I need to say (if only for my own benefit): she is enough. My daughter has given me so much and I've been so lucky to be an at-home Mum for the last three years to watch her grow up before my very own eyes. I don't want another child because of anything that is missing with my daughter. It's a desire, a want. It's as simple as that. The only influence my daughter has is that overall parenting has been such a positive experience for me that I want to have another go. Yep and sure, I'd like to give her a sibling too but I'm not going to start yet another list of why-I-want-another-child. Why I feel I have to continually justify this to myself and others, I'm not sure.

Please say a little prayer for my daughter for her operation tomorrow. Thanks. :)

Researching books about secondary infertility

I know one or two of you out there have read the book Wanting Another Child - Coping with Secondary Infertility by Harriet F. Simons. It sounds as though it is perhaps the only book out there exclusively written about secondary infertility. If you've read it, could you please tell me your thoughts - did you like it?/was it helpful?/could you identify with the author?

Another book I've come across on Amazon is Twice Blessed - A Diary Of Secondary Infertility: One Woman's Journey (Paperback) by Ninotchka Beavers. It's written in diary form. I read a couple of reviews about this book. The main criticism was the author TTC #2 for just over a year with no intervention required so it was perhaps more a case of conception taking a while to happen rather than a woman struggling with infertility. Has anyone read this book? What were your thoughts about it? - did you like it?/was it helpful?/could you identify with the author?

I will look into buying both of these books on Amazon. Neither of them are stocked in our local library.

I've made a very rough plan to get my first book about SIF moving! The web site I've found about self-publishing is excellent - at the moment I'm at the planning stage of the book. Yet I will continue to write my blog which is my means of collecting and logging my personal accounts of SIF. It doesn't feel hard - it feels like a very natural thing for me to be doing. It's like all my skills are coming together to achieve a long-time dream to write my own book: marketing/graphic design and writing. I just hope I can keep focused as if I stick to my time-line; this book should be on the market by the end of this year/early next year! The editing and printing side of things may affect this deadline but I am determined to keep things moving.

It does feel really good to have most of my focus shift off the whole TTC deal. I guess I just got to a point where I was really ready to let go of it all. I do believe SIF has taken it's toll on my life physically, spiritually, and emotionally. It has taken a long time with a lot of concentrated effort to ungrasp my fingers from something I have so desperately wanted for what seems like forever. I am not cured or over it by any means. Just yesterday at Music it was painful to sit next to a MOT-to-be and a MOTH-to-be who were comparing bumps. My heartache remains - I guess it's just a bit more manageable these days.

I know I put some distance (both physical and emotional) between myself and most MOTs I know. It's a protective thing. For this reason it is a couple of my local MOO friendships that seem to be the ones that are growing. As I've shared before, us MOOs are not so housebound so I've generally found it is easier to meet up with fellow MOOs outside of our homes whereas if I want to see my MOT or MOTH friends more often than not, it is easiest if I go to them.

I've been driving again for the last few days which has been good. I'm looking at going back to my Sunday job next Sunday. And I'm thinking I might go back to the gym the week after next which is four weeks post-surgery. I thought it would okay to do the pilates/yoga class, go for a wee walk on the treadmill and to just hang out in the sauna! To be honest I have been feeling quite housebound as I've lost my family escapes (gym and work) these last two weeks.

I shared with my good MOO friend yesterday that I was writing a book about SIF. I explained how there only seem to be books about primary infertility out there and that SIF is a different kettle of fish. To that she said "oh like IVF and all that". What?! I guess there is a lot of misconception/confusion around IF all up - but SIF is an area most are quite clueless about. The medical/biological side of it is exactly the same as PIF - but the emotional side is quite different. I hope my book will not only help SI's out there but will also bridge the gap between friends and family and those going through IF.

No regrets

Following on from my train of thought from yesterday about being a late bloomer in some significant areas in my life; I've no regrets about that. No regrets around the decisions I made as a twenty-something. Such as spending the thousands of dollars I saved at the age of 21 on a one way ticket to the UK rather than using the money towards a house deposit as I originally planned. It was the beginning of a ten year love affair with a gypsy lifestyle that took me to some different parts of New Zealand, Australia, the USA, Canada, The UK, (some of) Europe, Egypt, and Israel. I have no regrets around giving myself the space in my twenties to travel, date, go to university and to work in all sorts of vocations while being footloose and fancy-free. I had the time of my life and had lots of fun!

I always knew I'd settle down later in life and that's what happened. I met my husband to-be at the age of thirty-two and we married when I was thirty-five. My thirties have been about settling down in so many ways. For this former gypsy living in Nelson for six and a half years has been a big turn-around. I have thrived living in the same town for a while and have enjoyed getting to know a community. I retrained as a graphic designer at the age of thirty and have been working in the industry ever since. It has been great having a profession though it is writing, not graphic design, that is my passion. My thirties have also being about sorting out my emotional health; working out who I am and what kind of a life I want to lead. After the chaos of my twenties; it has been great to just stop and smell the roses.

I feel my forties are about embracing my dreams on a deeper level. I have always said I didn't want to have any regrets in life and so have always tried everything I've wanted to do (within reason!). I'm glad my twenties were kind of on the wild side as I've been there, and done that. I have found a lot of peace and personal acceptance in my thirties. Admittedly SIF has tested that over the last 20 months, but I'm getting back to that place again. I hope at fifty I can look back and be proud that I put myself out there and gave it my best shot in my forties.

I was thinking yesterday that forty isn't so old for me to be have another baby. I know several Mums who had babies in their forties and I don't think of them as being old. On the way back from the dairy yesterday my daughter was reading out the numbers on the letter-boxes along the street. And there it was - thirty-nine (my current age) on our neighbours letter-box then forty-one - on our letter-box. For a moment I wondered if it was a sign. That perhaps I'll have a baby at the age of forty-one.... I mean I'm three months off forty now, so it's very probable isn't it that that could be the case. But there I go second-guessing God again!

I do feel a lot lighter at the moment. Having some new focuses has certainly helped. I've been trawling the internet looking for legitimate home-based work opportunities. I've already found a couple of data-entry type positions that sound okay. It feels good to start the process of looking for work that might tie in with my daughter starting Kindy within the next few months. I do do the odd bit of freelance graphic design but am not sure I want to put much energy into that. I guess I'd rather save my creative juices for writing and just have a simplistic job that I can do at home that is relatively stress-free.

I just have a feeling that it's all coming together. Or perhaps it's me coming together! I guess I have been in pieces for a few months as I have grappled my way up from a rock bottom triggered by SIF. I see the light and feel the light at the end of the tunnel. I see the bigger picture. In a way it's been good having a hiatus from work/the gym as it's given me some quiet time in which to refuel, rethink, and reclaim my life. I'm two weeks post-op now and feeling good!

A late bloomer

As I've started the process of resurrecting some lost dreams, or dreams that have been shelved because of SIF, I've been reflecting about re-thinking the timing of when things happen in life. I guess in many ways I feel like a bit of a late-bloomer. I'm three months off forty and yet I perhaps haven't achieved some of the milestones deemed typical or normal in society.

House ownership is an aspiration for the average Kiwi family and many New Zealanders get a foot on the property ladder quite early on. Although I have some friends the same age who haven't yet bought their own homes, most people I know my age have. At the moment home ownership is out of reach for many Kiwis anyway given the wide gap between the cost of owning your own home and the rising costs of living (petrol, food) and then the kind of wages that are offered in this country. Nelson where we live pays "sunshine wages" - a sore spot for many Nelsonians since Nelson is one of the most expensive places to buy a home, with wages that simply don't support the lifestyle we are deemed to have here.

In some ways it has been a case of bad timing for us around buying our own home. My husband and I met in our early thirties and I came with my share of student debt which I spent the early part of our relationship paying off. Then we got married, I fell pregnant shortly afterwards and we've been down to one income for the last three years albeit casual jobs/freelancing work I've done.

I've realised lately I have to let go of when house ownership will come a reality for us. Obviously we can continue saving for a house deposit, but putting that pressure on myself of owning our own home by the time I'm forty is just as bad as declaring I will be a MOT by the time I'm forty.

I've decided that so long as I'm/we're doing the footwork around owning our own home - it will happen for us. Maybe in a year, maybe two, maybe five. I won't work outside of Kindy and school times over the next few years so am going to have to be creative on how I could bring some extra income into the home. Once again the uncertainty of a second child coming along impacts on these kinds of decisions a little as I have to plan around a possible pregnancy when thinking of taking on new employment. Home-based employment seems to be the best way around this quandary.

I have also been reflecting how I don't feel as though I've yet fulfilled my life's purpose. My passion is as a writer and I do think my life's purpose is connected to that. So last night I signed up with a New Zealand self-publishing web site. I'm going to do it - write two books about SIF! One will be a personal account of the trails and tribulations of SIF - the themes, emotions, and stages as experienced by yours truly. The other a daily inspirational type book for the SI. Watch this space - I will certainly be keeping you updated!

I felt quite excited once I signed up with the self-publishing web site last night. It feels like I've made a personal commitment to start the ball rolling to fulfill a writing dream - to write my own book. Also it feels like a form of therapy. It's like bottling up all the angst of the last few months and letting go of it - hopefully - on some level.

So I'm thinking my forties are going to be about achieving some life dreams - house ownership, publishing my first book and perhaps, just perhaps - achieving a second shot at motherhood. I guess you will have to watch this space for that one too!

20 months of TTC #2

Another TTC anniversary. Hmmm. I never know how to look at this - am I getting closer to achieving my dream to have another child? Or is it yet another month tallied up to what has become many months of living in the unknown. Am I wasting my time? Or is there a chance it could still happen? Who knows. I don't know where I'm at in my cycle, even. But for now am treating the post-op bleeding as AF which means I'm day 10 into things.

I've known for a long time that my SIF deal has consumed a lot of my time and energy. So yesterday I sat down and made a pie-chart of my life and goals as such. It made me realise that I obviously have a choice in how I spend my time. Blogging and checking in on Dailystrength are useful for my emotional health but it's a chunk of time and energy that detracts from my life outside of TTC. Recently I got one of those emails in which you're asked twenty or so questions about your life. One was about what I hoped to achieve before I die. I wasn't completely honest and rambled on about travel.
But I've realised the main things I want out of life are to:
1. Have another child
2. Buy a home
3. Write a book
Sure I'd like to perhaps travel a little more later in life. And be happy of course with what I have, including embracing the wee family I have regardless of whether it grows or not. I'd like to nurture relationships with friends and family and all that, but really those are my main life goals above. Those three - it's that simple.

I am doing everything in my power on the TTC front so now want to make time for working towards buying a house and writing a book. This means getting a bit more serious about our household budget and looking at other work I can perhaps fit in around motherhood. It's been a slow slog saving for a deposit for a house and I guess I kind of gave up on that too. But saving something, no matter how slowly, is still moving closer to our dream of a family home. We have been saving throughout the SIF deal but I guess I'm making a personal commitment to do better in my part with it.

I haven't entered a short story competition for a while as all my writing time has gone into this blog since November. So I have two competitions to enter over the next few months. I have been seriously considering starting writing a book about SIF as well. I always thought I'd wait until I had reached my conclusion but am now thinking for me, it would be helpful to read about someone's SIF experiences regardless of the outcome. At this point I'm thinking of writing a daily meditation/inspirational type book exclusively for SIF as well as a book about my journey and all the different topics/experiences I've encountered along the way - many of which are recorded here on this blog.

I've been dipping in and out of The Infertility Survival Guide by Judith C. Daniluk. It's not a bad book, but at the same time, not exactly comforting. Perhaps a bit too text-book even though the author experienced IF herself. However she did write "Anyone who has been through infertility will tell you that it is a very difficult, challenging, and stressful experience. Some have even said that it is a worse crisis than going through a divorce or the death of a parent."

Now I haven't experienced divorce or lost a parent but I have experienced grief several times in my life, in several forms, and believe IF is in a league of it's own. My MOT friend down the road whose Mum is dying did remark recently that my turn will come - as in losing a parent. I know that. And I don't look forward to that day one bit. However, as callous as this might sound, that's life. We do lose those we love eventually. We expect that will happen. IF is unexpected - and SIF even more unexpected as most of us in this boat conceived a child pretty easily the first time round. I'm not comparing war wounds here - just saying (once again!), that SIF in particular is like nursing a silent heart-ache. The worst thing about SIF is feeling unseen by those around me most of the time.

I've been thinking there will always be bumps and siblings out there so is this my life for how much longer? Blogging about my envy, pain and anger of SIF? I'm getting bored with it myself! I will keep blogging. I cannot say I will blog less as it's a healthy outlet for me. However, I will put more energy into my other dreams. At least I know what they are again. For so long it was only about conceiving another child.

Quiet few days

After my walk on Wednesday in which I no doubt got a little carried away, I've not been going far at all the last few days. I've gone for very small walks to the dairy or to Playgroup but not really far at all. And I'm feeling much better for it. Yesterday I didn't take any of my (pain relief) medication and am pretty much off the codeine now.

We went to my Mum's place this afternoon and I had a lovely sit in the sun for a couple of hours. I felt I really needed it as I've been feeling a bit vitamin-D deficient. Our daughter adores her Nana and follows her around everywhere so it's quite a nice break for my husband and I.

One of my MOO friends has been great this week popping round just about every day. It has been really nice and I've appreciated it. She drove us all to a local cafe on Friday arvo so I shouted her and her daughter afternoon tea as a wee thanks for all her TLC.

I've still been feeling a bit flat so am trying to just go with the flow around that and to accept it as part of my post-op emotional recovery. I've been out of hospital for a week and it's been a slow week on many levels. I want to just get on with it and am missing the gym but have a few weeks to go before I can go back, I'd say.

We've found out our daughter is going in for surgery herself for her trigger-thumb (essentially a bent thumb) next Monday (May 26) - it's only a small operation but still...Her pre-op check is this coming Tuesday.

My MOT friend down the road is going through a very hard time as her mother's health continues to deteriorate rapidly. We usually alternate looking after each others three year olds on a Monday but we've agreed I'll do Monday's for the next few weeks/months while she faces the inevitable death of her mother. It is horrific what she's going through and I'll do whatever I can to support her at this time.

I have been thinking my surgery is probably the first time family and friends have been able to reach out to me within my SIF battle. So I have felt supported for part of my SIF journey, even if once I'm physically healed, it might seem like all is well again.

I was reading on a SI's profile in Dailystrength recently that she felt as though a piece of her had been taken away as a consequence of living with SIF. I feel the same. I've grieved the end of relationships and the death of friends and family members - all of which have rocked my world in their own way. But SIF has been something else altogether and I still don't know how to explain this succinctly - hence my daily blog about SIF. How do I put into words, or into a sentence what it is like to want something so badly yet to fear it may never happen? To have your hopes raised and then squashed as health professionals come on board and attempt to shed some light on your situation, only to leave you with more questions. It is like living with a broken heart that feels insurmountable at times.

I feel in a way I've entered Part 2 of my SIF battle after surgery. Pre-surgery I had been fighting SIF big-time in an attempt to gain some sanity, perspective and balance back in my life again. I plan to continue to do that. I want some new dreams and some new focuses. I've said it before and will say it again, I will not be beaten by SIF!

Gyno letter forwarded to GP

I received a copy of the below letter in the post yesterday. I will have to google some of the medical-speak at some point as some of it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. But all in all it's reassurring, I guess. It still sounds as though my surgery may not have been necessary. Still, the cyst/s may have taken months to resolve themselves - or may not have resolved at all. So better out than in, in this case I suppose.

Dear Xxx,

Principal Diagnosis: Secondary infertility, persisting left ovarian cyst
Operating Procedure: Mini laparotomy and left ovarian cystectomy

As part of Lynda's secondary infertility investigation she had a scan which showed a persisting 6cm left ovarian cyst. She'd had a previous right salpingo-oophorectomy for a torted cystadenoma.

I therefore carried out a mini laparaotomy on 8/5/08. The right side of the uterine fundus is seen to be densely pulled up onto the anterior peritoneum, with adhesions presumably from her previous surgery. The uterus and left tube are normal but the left ovary was very adherent to the left pelvic side wall. It was only about 4cm in diameter and was seen to contain at least two corpus luteal cysts. There was no clinical evidence of endometriosis.

I was able to digitally mobilise the ovary off the pelvic side wall and remove the cysts and was able to conserve a reasonably normal amount of ovarian tissue.

Lynda had an uneventful recovery and went home well on 11/5/08. Histology confirms a hemorrhagic corpus lutem cyst. It is good news that there was no endometriosis but also disappointing as it is possible that this cyst might have eventually resolved spontaneously. However, having freed up the ovary from the pelvic side wall I am hopeful that her fertility has improved. She is going to have a further serum progesterone done on Day 21 of her next cycle and we will follow that up - given her histology she might not need any more clomiphene. With kind regards.

Your sincerely,

Xxxxx Xxxx

Feeling a bit flat

Yesterday was the first day I looked after my daughter completely on my own since my op. It was a loooooong day. I was exhausted and fought to stay awake for the afternoon. I took my daughter to the local animal park which is normally just a ten/fifteen minute walk. I was very slow walking there yesterday - it took me about half an hour. But we had a good time when we got there as it was a lovely sunny day. My daughter watched her fair share of TV yesterday. I get pretty bad Mother's Guilt (MG) from the tele/DVDs going for long periods at the best of times but need to give myself a bit of slack this week, as no doubt it'll be my hardest week post-op recovery-wise.

I think my feelings are starting to thaw out after the general anaesthetic, morphine, codeine and other medications that I've had over the past week. I feel mainly flat at this point. But yesterday I felt a wee bit teary as I feel I bit overwhelmed and exhausted at this point in time. I just have to remember to pace myself so probably won't go for a long walk today - just one to Playgroup which is a five minute walk from here.

I received some more lovely cards and gifts in the mail yesterday. Ironically the last time I got this much attention was when my daughter arrived! I haven't even told everyone I've had surgery, either. I certainly appreciate all the kind thoughts and actions over the last week or so of others.

Friend no. 2 sent me a card and it made my heart break to read a line she wrote around her pain of living with primary infertility on a daily basis. I just wish I could take her pain away/make her feel better but I can't. A part of me is so scared for her - that she may not get to become a Mum. Another part is hoping like crazy that it all works out.

There is some debate around primary infertility (PIF) and secondary infertility (SIF) - as in who is suffering the most or the fact that they are two different types of grief that cannot be compared. However I read something a primary infertile wrote in a forum once how at least those with SIF have a child to put to bed at night etc. I think that much is true. As SI's are blessed. Of course I've known this all along but I think the possibility that our wee family may remain that - wee - isn't perhaps as bad as not having being blessed with a child at all.

The kindness of others

I have been blown away by the kindness of friends and family around my surgery and my recovery. I have truly been looked after. In hospital I got sent a beautiful gerbera plant by friend no. 1. A couple of other friends popped up bearing gifts. So in hospital I was supplied with magazines, chocolate and a chamomint herbal tea infusion. My husband, Mum and daughter also came up for a few visits.

My Mum precooked a lot of our meat and then one of our neighbours dropped off some pumpkin soup and scones on Monday. Yesterday friend no. 4's husband dropped off a precooked chicken which we had for our tea. So our fridge is well-stocked. Around lunchtime yesterday two MOO friends turned up to take my daughter to the playground. She had a great time and I managed to have a wee snooze on the couch and in the sun while she was gone. One of the MOOs stayed on for the afternoon so my daughter was nicely entertained for the afternoon.

Friend no. 2 sent me a beautiful bright bouquet of flowers also, and my Mums partners sister hand-picked a beautiful bunch of flowers from her garden. My SIL (sister-in-law) up North made me a card and lovely hanging crystals. I have also had cards and texts from friends and family also plus a lot of supportive messages from my friends on Dailystrength.

I feel blessed to have so many people in my life that care. I am grateful for that. Yesterday I took my daughter to Playgroup and I actually felt better getting back into our routine. It was a slow walk up the road but we stayed for two hours and it was good to get out of the house and out in the sunshine for a bit. I think now I've done my first to-and-from walk to Playgroup (even if was just a slow five minute/ten minute walk each way), I feel as though I'm on my road to physical recovery.

Discharge instructions

My heart just about stopped when at my pre-admission check (for surgery) I was handed a sheet headed "Discharge instructions following hysterectomy" (!) I queried it obviously and the nurse said to just cross out the word hysterectomy, but that the information on the sheet was still relevant. Here's what's on the sheet:
* Avoid constipation, eat plenty of fruit, high roughage diet and fluids - 2-3 litres of water daily
* No sexual relationships until after your check-up with your gynaecologist or GP.
* You can expect that there may be some fresh blood loss and discharge from the vagina. Providing there is no more than a normal period, do not be concerned
* Do not be concerned if you have discomfort at the end of passing urine, this is quite normal.
* Avoid heavy lifting, stretching, sudden movements and vigorous sports for 6-8 weeks after surgery.
* You will feel tired and require assistance with household chores for a couple of weeks
* If you have young children, you will find it quite a strain to look after them.
* You should feel comfortable enough to drive a car after 2-3 weeks.
* Generally your body will tell you what you are capable of doing. If you get too tired, slow down and rest.
* Do not return to work until after being seen for your check-up, unless otherwise arranged with your Gynaecologist.
* Do you require a Medical Certificate or letter for work? If so, please let the Doctor know well in advance to avoid last minute delays.
* It is important that you make and keep your check-up appointment with your Gynaecologist or GP.

Most of these instructions are very similar to a c-section recovery and pretty straight forward. The only difference was last time I couldn't drive for six weeks after a c-section (the incision was slightly bigger and of course a baby was delivered as well).

So I sent my husband off to the supermarket last night. I felt quite exhausted after my first full day back at home yesterday. I went for a very small, slow walk up the road and back but apart from that was very low-key. Or so I thought. Still, walking around the house and standing up when you've been on your back in hospital for a few days is a bit of a transition.

My husband has gone back to work today so it's my first sole-charge day with my daughter post-surgery. I plan to walk up to Playgroup this a.m with her. Then the rest of the day will be pretty quiet. My daughter understands that I have a "sore tummy" yet my tummy has been sat on, and kicked a few times already. (accidentally, of course). Because I normally get up to our daughter at night I'm currently sleeping with her in our bed and my husband is in her single bed. When in hospital he shared our bed with her.

Emotionally I'm numbed out with all the pain relief I'm taking. Also it takes a little while for the general anesthetic to come out of the system. So I'm probably a little out of it and "floaty" right now.

Taking a pee is getting easier but number twos (sorry about the TMI!) are pretty painful. Especially the first back-log from my hospital stay. I've still got a lot of blocked wind which is the worst. But that will obviously lessen over time.

My gyno said there's no need to have a check-up with him or my GP before TTC; it's just when I feel ready. It's going to be a few weeks at this point - I'll tell you that much!

Back home!

I was discharged from hospital Sunday lunchtime (yesterday) which happened to be Mothers Day here. It was a nice day to come home. My Mum stayed for the weekend and cooked up about a weeks worth of food including a banana cake. Our daughter hadn't quite grasped it was Mothers Day but kept saying "Happy Birthday Mummy!" which was close enough - and very cute!

I felt ready to leave hospital after three nights in there as I was on my way with my recovery and walking around okay. However I do feel quite weak and sore and will certainly be taking things quite slowly for a bit.

The operation was a success - I think. In the end two cysts were removed and the bigger cyst was a lot smaller than the gyno thought it would be. He also unattached my ovary from my uterus so it is now suspended freely. My gyno is a man of few words at the best of times so it is unclear as to where I'm at with things and what the former even means. He did remark that perhaps he could have left things for another six months and the cysts may have gone by then. So I am left wondering if the surgery was even necessary. However I will be sent some notes in time so hopefully things might make more sense then. What I have on my discharge notes is "uncomplicated ovarian cystectomy. Good post-op recovery."

I've had some bleeding since the op but not sure if this is AF or not, so not sure where I'm at in my cycle. But next cycle I'm doing another Progesterone day 21 test to see if I'm ovulating or not. If I'm not, I'm back on the Clomid.

I'm on both paracetamol and codeine right now so am operating in a bit of a fuzz. My husband has taken the day off work which'll be good as I make the hospital-to-home transition.

My husband visited me in hospital a bit and brought our daughter up a few times. However the visits with her were pretty short as she got pretty bored and restless after ten or so minutes. So I really didn't parent her for over three days which was wierd. It was up to me to decide when I was ready to leave hospital and I didn't think it was too good for our family for me to be away for more than three nights. Obviously if I needed it health-wise I would have stayed on but I've all in all recovered pretty well after the op.

The public hospital experience wasn't as bad as I thought it might have been. The nurses were great, the food not too bad and I had my own (two bed) room for the first night and then shared it with a 24 year old woman with endometriosis for the following two nights. I had a four and a half hour wait for my operation though and managed to read half a book while in the theatre waiting room. So I finished that book and read four magazines while up there. One of my friends, a MOO who came up to visit said she was almost jealous when she saw me lying there reading a mag. I said "all you have to do is grow a couple of cysts, and you too could be lying here!"

One more sleep to go (til surgery!)

This will be my last post before surgery as in just over twenty four hours I will be up at the hospital! I'm hoping to get a decent nights sleep tonight as I haven't slept so well for the last few nights. Last night inflammed gums kept me awake. I ended up having to take two panadols which knocked me out for about four hours. I hesitated taking them as it is advised to stop taking aspirin before surgery and I had visions of my surgery being delayed because 1. I needed to go to the dentist urgently 2. I'd taken pain relief. However a poppy seed popped out this morning so hopefully that's all it was although the side of my mouth is throbbing right now.

I've had to stop taking vitamin C, my prenatal vitamins, and spirulana before surgery. And I have to remove my toe nail-polish. That's why I was a little worried about the panadol.
Update: I checked with the gyno department at the hospital and it's fine to take pain relief that isn't aspirin so phew! (as aspirin thins the blood). I think I knew that, just wanted to check with them.

Yesterday I had some pre-op bloods done. I also took my daughter to our family Dr, with the letter from Plunket and she's going to be referred to both audiology and paediatrics up at the hospital within the month. This isn't something I've even revealed to extended family so it feels a little sensitive blogging about it. However, I am disclosing this here as if there is something wrong on the social/emotional front developmentally as the Dr thought there might be, it's unlikely to be related to my SI status. (in my opinion). That's why I have mentioned it as I have feared for months that both my own personal strife around SIF and my daughter's lone child status have caused problems. But that may not be the case at all. It could be a genetic problem - something she was born with.

Today I'm off to buy some magazines for entertainment/distraction up at the hospital and a phone card as apparently direct calls to my mobile are preferred over the hospital land-line. I bought some new PJs last week as I needed some more and I thought they were a sight nicer and brighter (bright pink) than the mans ones I currently wear!

Today will be a relatively quiet one with my daughter. I feel sad that we will miss out on decent quality time together for perhaps five days. I don't know what time I'll be in the ward and able to have visitors tomorrow, but I'm hoping my husband can come up for a visit and leave our daughter with friends. I don't think the first day after surgery is the best day for her to see her Mum. I definitely want to see her every day after that though!

Last night I was begging God to take away the pain of my inflammed gums. When physical pain hits, emotional pain no longer dominates (in my case, anyway). So I'm guessing recovering from my surgery will be my main focus over the next little bit. The pain of SIF will have to go on the back-burner.

I'll see you in cyberspace on the other side of surgery next week sometime! Wish me luck of course!

Pre-Admission Check Appointment

It turns out yesterday's Pre-Admission Check Appointment was more about paper-work than a consultation. I had to answer questions for a nurse and the house surgeon who "will be looking after you, except for a Junior Doctor's strike on Thursday - but you'll still have your operation. I'll be there Friday though" What? So I'll be lying there recovering from surgery with no house surgeon for a day?

Dr Xxxx who will be performing the operation was nowhere to be seen. Apparently I can ask him any questions I have on the day. Hmmm. I'm not sure I'll be up to question-asking when I'm lying there all prepped for theatre! Anyway, I know all the basic details about my surgery and recovery now and am expected to be in hospital for 3-5 nights. I'm probably going to be in a ward of four. I was deemed in excellent physical health by the nurse with a 100% oxygen level which is apparently not so common. She seemed to think I was in great condition for an operation.

It's just being the usual over the last few days around additions to the family and sibling sightings. Last night my husband showed me photos of two new babies he'd been sent. One was a second baby for one family, and one a third. It got me a little reading the sign-off from the family of five. Yesterday I left my daughter with a MOT friend up the road while I went to my appointment. She was there for two hours and had a ball. When I came back she was playing happily with the eight month old. At work on Sunday two families of four met up for a coffee. It's just so normal. A normal expectation that after one child, a second one should follow.

I do think this operation is a turning point in my fertility - it's either going to bring me closer to or further away from my desire to have a second child. I do think it's that black and white.

I'm absolutely shattered (as in tired-shattered) at the moment. My daughter's been her usual unsettled self at night and I've been trying to get to bed a little earlier. I'm still going to the gym this week to let off steam and am trying to stay calm and take it easy as much as possible. Only two more sleeps to my op!

The curse of the maternal urge

I caught up with a friend the other day who is WKBC (without kids by choice). I have a few WKBC friends, but most live out of Nelson. So it is certainly interesting catching up with this friend every now and then who I knew before I came a Mum. Her home is immaculate and the opposite to most family homes I know with toys permanently strewn everywhere. This friend doesn't have strong maternal urges and is on the fence as to whether she ever wants to become a Mum. I respect her thoughts around this but just don't identify. But I do wish in a way that my maternal urges would leave the building. It would definitely make life a whole lot easier at this point if they went away. But they are there, pounding away in the background triggered by anything that touches on pregnancy, childbirth, babies, or siblings. Whenever anyone utters anything to do with babies I just want to say Me too! I want that too! Pleaaaaaaase God!

I just feel annoyed today at the ease in which some women have their families. It's so hard being a SI with my biological clock ticking away in the background with no result. I've been thinking lately - is it all worth it? The strain of IF, that is. It has been a battle living with SIF and keeping myself involved and happy in my own life. I've been thinking too that obviously all of us infertiles are wired differently and have come to the infertile party at different life stages and all that. For me, it has brought up a lot of past baggage that I'm a WIP around sorting through. It is very unsettling, to say the least.

I got the letter from Plunket today for our family Dr which will hopefully get my daughter referred to Child Development Services. It wasn't easy reading the letter, written objectively from a Plunket-worker about some possible developmental delays. She wrote only child in brackets in the letter too. It just hurts to read that - and what does that mean? Does she think my daughter's delayed because of this? Lots of only children do well out there. It might be a factor, I guess. I sometimes think so.

This morning we all went to a three year old birthday party in the local gardens in town. There was snow on the hills and we were all in our Winter gear but it was lovely. There were three children present including our daughter and they all got on really well. Afterwards we went for a spot of family shopping which was nice. Our daughter had fun playing with another three year old in The Warehouse. Of course the other little girl had a much younger sibling (a baby) who was being pushed around in a trolley. It just makes my heart sink when I see that dynamic - every time. I cannot help but think in those circumstances why not me God? I am so scared that's not His will for me. I need to ask some questions on Monday in my consultation around it all. I need to know if I am at risk of losing an ovary or what the likelihood of this operation even turning things around are.

Humpf. I'm just sick of it all once again. I do still wish if God doesn't want me to have any more kids that he'd just take my maternal urge away - if only it were that easy!

Keen to get it over with (the surgery)

I have been quite anxious about my upcoming surgery. Although I'm still quite anxious, I just want to get it over and done with now. At least this time next week I'll be on the other side of the op and in recovery mode.

I met up with a MOT friend today at our local playground and then we had an early lunch together at our local cafe. She had to take her eldest daughter to the bathroom a couple of times so I looked after her youngest daughter. It was interesting playing MOT for a few minutes. I've always known of course what a stretch it must be at times to manage two children (or more), and I certainly know this from my nanny days. Yet today I felt I had a real appreciation of how difficult it must be attending to two children's needs of differing ages, 24/7. It's much nicer being in a place of empathy rather than resentment. Also, this MOT friend was quite supportive about my surgery. I guess by sharing my vulnerability around it with friends, many of whom are MOTs, I can step out of that green-eyed monster way of being for a bit.

I had a search in the Nelson library yesterday to see if there were any books about secondary infertility. There were none and only about half a dozen books on infertility. But I got one out: The Infertility Survival Guide by Judith C. Daniluk. It's described as "everything you need to know to cope with the challenges while maintaining your sanity, dignity, and relationships." Well amen to that! I got it out more for curiosity than anything. I wondered what content a book about IF might have in it. But some of it probably is quite useful to my cause. I will share more if and when I think it's worthwhile information to pass on.

Fertile mucus

Yesterday at day 12 in my cycle I had the most obvious fertile mucus I've seen in a very long time. I'm still charting even though I obviously can't TTC this cycle with my surgery next week. Just thought I'd report in. Ironic of course that it should happen this cycle but hopefully a good sign that things are sorting themselves out.

Not the best at asking for help

Yesterday I looked after a MOO friends daughter as she had to go and have a tooth urgently removed. Although I had to shuffle a few things around in my day to accommodate this, I was more than happy to do so. Yet it was a reminder for me on how bad I often am at asking for help. I'm going to need help after my surgery, no doubt about it. So it will be a good chance to practise receiving help.

My Mum is coming down next weekend so will be here mainly while I'm still in hospital so my husband can come up without our daughter for a few visits, though obviously I want to see her daily as well. I haven't been telling everyone I come across about my surgery, but those I've told have been very kind and have offered to help afterwards with looking after my daughter, driving me around etc. I am very good at jumping to the aid of others, but not so good at accepting help.

People say the darnest things

I had my hair-cut the night before last. I like my hair-dresser yet conversation doesn't flow as she's not the chattiest of people. I have my hair-cut every six to eight weeks and have been doing so since August last year (with that particular hairdresser). You'd think by now she'd know some of the basic details of my life. But every time she seems to ask if I'm having another one (baby) when my daughter is brought up. I know she probably is just making conversation but the fact I say I hope so. We'll see what happens. or That would be nice are surely indicators that falling pregnant is something I'm 1. trying to do 2. having trouble achieving.

Then this time round she must have picked up on that and said sometimes it's hard getting pregnant. Once again she probably was just making conversation but it annoyed me that comment as as a twenty-something who is in flatting mode and about to embark on a trip to Europe next month, I am pretty damn sure she's never even tried to get pregnant and it's possibly the furthest thing from her mind at this point in time.

I know, I am a bit prickly. I have a sick feeling in my stomach like I'm about to sit a test! I'm quite nervous about my upcoming surgery. It has been pointed out that I could lose my only ovary in the operation. Maybe, but don't tell me that! Until I hear that that could happen from my surgeon's mouth, I am not going to go there (too much!). As I was saying to a MOTH friend yesterday, what would be the (unlucky) odds of losing two ovaries in two operations? Surely not!

I've been busy in my head and therefore busy running around this week. I seem to be trying to catch up with a lot of people in these school holidays. My daughter and I both enjoyed going to other peoples places, and doing different things but it is tiring. So today we are having a quiet day - just the two of us going into town/the library.