The curse of the maternal urge

I caught up with a friend the other day who is WKBC (without kids by choice). I have a few WKBC friends, but most live out of Nelson. So it is certainly interesting catching up with this friend every now and then who I knew before I came a Mum. Her home is immaculate and the opposite to most family homes I know with toys permanently strewn everywhere. This friend doesn't have strong maternal urges and is on the fence as to whether she ever wants to become a Mum. I respect her thoughts around this but just don't identify. But I do wish in a way that my maternal urges would leave the building. It would definitely make life a whole lot easier at this point if they went away. But they are there, pounding away in the background triggered by anything that touches on pregnancy, childbirth, babies, or siblings. Whenever anyone utters anything to do with babies I just want to say Me too! I want that too! Pleaaaaaaase God!

I just feel annoyed today at the ease in which some women have their families. It's so hard being a SI with my biological clock ticking away in the background with no result. I've been thinking lately - is it all worth it? The strain of IF, that is. It has been a battle living with SIF and keeping myself involved and happy in my own life. I've been thinking too that obviously all of us infertiles are wired differently and have come to the infertile party at different life stages and all that. For me, it has brought up a lot of past baggage that I'm a WIP around sorting through. It is very unsettling, to say the least.

I got the letter from Plunket today for our family Dr which will hopefully get my daughter referred to Child Development Services. It wasn't easy reading the letter, written objectively from a Plunket-worker about some possible developmental delays. She wrote only child in brackets in the letter too. It just hurts to read that - and what does that mean? Does she think my daughter's delayed because of this? Lots of only children do well out there. It might be a factor, I guess. I sometimes think so.

This morning we all went to a three year old birthday party in the local gardens in town. There was snow on the hills and we were all in our Winter gear but it was lovely. There were three children present including our daughter and they all got on really well. Afterwards we went for a spot of family shopping which was nice. Our daughter had fun playing with another three year old in The Warehouse. Of course the other little girl had a much younger sibling (a baby) who was being pushed around in a trolley. It just makes my heart sink when I see that dynamic - every time. I cannot help but think in those circumstances why not me God? I am so scared that's not His will for me. I need to ask some questions on Monday in my consultation around it all. I need to know if I am at risk of losing an ovary or what the likelihood of this operation even turning things around are.

Humpf. I'm just sick of it all once again. I do still wish if God doesn't want me to have any more kids that he'd just take my maternal urge away - if only it were that easy!