Feeling a bit flat

Yesterday was the first day I looked after my daughter completely on my own since my op. It was a loooooong day. I was exhausted and fought to stay awake for the afternoon. I took my daughter to the local animal park which is normally just a ten/fifteen minute walk. I was very slow walking there yesterday - it took me about half an hour. But we had a good time when we got there as it was a lovely sunny day. My daughter watched her fair share of TV yesterday. I get pretty bad Mother's Guilt (MG) from the tele/DVDs going for long periods at the best of times but need to give myself a bit of slack this week, as no doubt it'll be my hardest week post-op recovery-wise.

I think my feelings are starting to thaw out after the general anaesthetic, morphine, codeine and other medications that I've had over the past week. I feel mainly flat at this point. But yesterday I felt a wee bit teary as I feel I bit overwhelmed and exhausted at this point in time. I just have to remember to pace myself so probably won't go for a long walk today - just one to Playgroup which is a five minute walk from here.

I received some more lovely cards and gifts in the mail yesterday. Ironically the last time I got this much attention was when my daughter arrived! I haven't even told everyone I've had surgery, either. I certainly appreciate all the kind thoughts and actions over the last week or so of others.

Friend no. 2 sent me a card and it made my heart break to read a line she wrote around her pain of living with primary infertility on a daily basis. I just wish I could take her pain away/make her feel better but I can't. A part of me is so scared for her - that she may not get to become a Mum. Another part is hoping like crazy that it all works out.

There is some debate around primary infertility (PIF) and secondary infertility (SIF) - as in who is suffering the most or the fact that they are two different types of grief that cannot be compared. However I read something a primary infertile wrote in a forum once how at least those with SIF have a child to put to bed at night etc. I think that much is true. As SI's are blessed. Of course I've known this all along but I think the possibility that our wee family may remain that - wee - isn't perhaps as bad as not having being blessed with a child at all.