Another TTC anniversary. Hmmm. I never know how to look at this - am I getting closer to achieving my dream to have another child? Or is it yet another month tallied up to what has become many months of living in the unknown. Am I wasting my time? Or is there a chance it could still happen? Who knows. I don't know where I'm at in my cycle, even. But for now am treating the post-op bleeding as AF which means I'm day 10 into things.
I've known for a long time that my SIF deal has consumed a lot of my time and energy. So yesterday I sat down and made a pie-chart of my life and goals as such. It made me realise that I obviously have a choice in how I spend my time. Blogging and checking in on Dailystrength are useful for my emotional health but it's a chunk of time and energy that detracts from my life outside of TTC. Recently I got one of those emails in which you're asked twenty or so questions about your life. One was about what I hoped to achieve before I die. I wasn't completely honest and rambled on about travel.
But I've realised the main things I want out of life are to:
1. Have another child
2. Buy a home
3. Write a book
Sure I'd like to perhaps travel a little more later in life. And be happy of course with what I have, including embracing the wee family I have regardless of whether it grows or not. I'd like to nurture relationships with friends and family and all that, but really those are my main life goals above. Those three - it's that simple.
I am doing everything in my power on the TTC front so now want to make time for working towards buying a house and writing a book. This means getting a bit more serious about our household budget and looking at other work I can perhaps fit in around motherhood. It's been a slow slog saving for a deposit for a house and I guess I kind of gave up on that too. But saving something, no matter how slowly, is still moving closer to our dream of a family home. We have been saving throughout the SIF deal but I guess I'm making a personal commitment to do better in my part with it.
I haven't entered a short story competition for a while as all my writing time has gone into this blog since November. So I have two competitions to enter over the next few months. I have been seriously considering starting writing a book about SIF as well. I always thought I'd wait until I had reached my conclusion but am now thinking for me, it would be helpful to read about someone's SIF experiences regardless of the outcome. At this point I'm thinking of writing a daily meditation/inspirational type book exclusively for SIF as well as a book about my journey and all the different topics/experiences I've encountered along the way - many of which are recorded here on this blog.
I've been dipping in and out of The Infertility Survival Guide by Judith C. Daniluk. It's not a bad book, but at the same time, not exactly comforting. Perhaps a bit too text-book even though the author experienced IF herself. However she did write "Anyone who has been through infertility will tell you that it is a very difficult, challenging, and stressful experience. Some have even said that it is a worse crisis than going through a divorce or the death of a parent."
Now I haven't experienced divorce or lost a parent but I have experienced grief several times in my life, in several forms, and believe IF is in a league of it's own. My MOT friend down the road whose Mum is dying did remark recently that my turn will come - as in losing a parent. I know that. And I don't look forward to that day one bit. However, as callous as this might sound, that's life. We do lose those we love eventually. We expect that will happen. IF is unexpected - and SIF even more unexpected as most of us in this boat conceived a child pretty easily the first time round. I'm not comparing war wounds here - just saying (once again!), that SIF in particular is like nursing a silent heart-ache. The worst thing about SIF is feeling unseen by those around me most of the time.
I've been thinking there will always be bumps and siblings out there so is this my life for how much longer? Blogging about my envy, pain and anger of SIF? I'm getting bored with it myself! I will keep blogging. I cannot say I will blog less as it's a healthy outlet for me. However, I will put more energy into my other dreams. At least I know what they are again. For so long it was only about conceiving another child.
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