Going through the motions of SIF

So I have my day 21 progestertone blood test today to check for ovulation. It's only a blood test yet I am on some level anxious about the results as the test could possibly reveal how "successful" my surgery was (or wasn't). I am in fear around what comes next or rather if what comes next is going to work. It's back to trusting that both God - and my gyno (!) are looking after my needs.

I try not to stay here too much these days but I am back in that place of fearing that it's not going to work out. I read somewhere about "cautious optimism" when facing IF. It's such a hard space to be in - having hope while trying to be realistic at the same time. Surgery and fertility treatments aren't a form of magic, after all. Sigh.

I have been printing out my blog over the last few nights so I have all the hard copies on file for editing purposes for my SIF book. However it has no doubt not helped reading about some of my really dark times within SIF. I have come a long way in my six months of blogging about SIF. Yet the pain, the disappointment, the fear, the hopelessness and the depression still come up. But not as much or as intensely as before, I am thinking. I do think I hit a rock bottom around SIF at Christmas and have been working hard to get out of that hole ever since. Blogging and Dailystrength have been my saviours. I'm not sure where I'd be right now had I not being able to work through the motions of SIF with those that understand.

I haven't taken my daughter to any of her groups this week because of her op and then vomiting bug. But I will probably take her to Music today. Already I am cringing as I think about all the bumps and second children that will be there. But my blood test is just down the road so we may as well go afterwards. My daughter has had a very quiet week socially and is no doubt ready for some socialising. The thing is, I don't think I am up to socialising in the world of MOTS and bumps today. But I'll probably get over myself once we actually go to Music and get into the class - hopefully!