Where am I heading?

This neither here nor there space within SIF is driving me crazy. And it's mainly an internal battle. The realist in me thinks I really am in menopause and the dreamer in me thinks perhaps it really is just a hormonal balance that can be conquered. All I know is I need to make a decision sometime soon about which team I'm batting for - is for Team Menopause or Team Hope?

I'm off to see the "healer lady" in a couple of hours so will ask her about a second baby. At my first session she said she thought she could help me - had helped lots of people who'd been through IVF etc. The last two sessions have been more focused on me. I guess at this point I just want to be happy and will do whatever it takes to get there. If I need to accept another biological child is pretty much an impossibility than I guess I'm ready to do that.

I will also phone my gyno as I am sick of waiting around to hear a response from him via my Dr. She has written a letter and is waiting to hear back from him as she doesn't know what to do next. It's been over a month since my Dr wrote that letter and two months since I was given the dire half-diagnosis of ovarian failure via some blood test results.

I guess I just want my power back within SIF. I have once again given it to my Dr/gyno and even the "healer lady." But what do I think? It's time to listen to my inner voice. As inspiring as Julia Indichova is, I'm not sure that is my path. I'm not sure I have the energy to will a baby into my life. I'm kind of thinking if it isn't meant to be, then maybe it isn't meant to be. I'm getting closer to working out which Team I should be on. I've had a long time to check out the players and I think I'm starting to work out which Team I fit on best.

Affirmations

I woke up feeling relatively fresh today. I had a good weekend. I worked Saturday and Sunday which I enjoyed. Yesterday was fun as I overlooked a five year olds birthday party with eleven children present. I helped put up balloons, organise the seating and all that. The Mum really appreciated my help and said I was "awesome". It is certainly good for me at this time to have a job in which my capabilities can be used.

Saturday night my husband and I went out for dinner at a local restaurant. We had a three course meal so were pretty bloated when we left. Our neighbour looked after our daughter while we went to dinner. She had family time-out (she has three kids) and was pretty happy with half a bottle of wine and a girlie DVD.

It was the first time my husband and I had been out for dinner alone since our daughter has arrived! We've been out for brunches a few times, to the movies a couple of times and to a couple of weddings but not to dinner. So it's something we'll do a bit more regularly - it's only a couple of hours out of the house, afterall.

One of the ways I've started combating my dipped feelings of self-worth is by over-riding my negative self-talk with some affirmations. An affirmation I've come up for myself is I deserve the good things in life.

I found an on-line meditation titled self-acceptance affirmations which I'll try when I get a quiet moment. My low self-worth flares up when I go through a personal crisis. This isn't the first time I've had to rebuild myself from the inside out. It feels pretty deep this time - it is all about self-acceptance and self-love as well. I know I'll get there.

Working on self-worth

The subtitle of Julia Indichova's book The Fertile Female is How the Power of Longing for a Child Can Save Your Life and Change the World. I'm beginning to see that my longing for a child may not necessarily bring me another child; but it certainly has and is saving my life in the respect that I have been coaxed to look at some deep "core issues."

I know it happens in life. Something traumatic happens but often it isn't just the actual incident that causes pain; it also all the feelings that are exposed from deep within that also sting. These events are opportunities for healing at the deepest level. That is where I'm at today.

The self-worth stuff is so very deep within me. How I came to have such low self-worth is not really what it's about. I just have to accept that I have it and so now I have something to work with. I'm very aware of how "blocked" I am in my life because I don't think I deserve some of the greater things in life - or even some of the basic stuff. For some reason on some level I don't think I deserve another baby. I have issues with pursuing adoption as well because I don't feel good enough to raise a child that isn't biologically ours. Especially now I'm on anti-depressants. I know I'm taking care of myself and the hormonally-induced mood swings aren't my fault; yet I do feel like I have failed somehow as a Mum having to take happy pills.

So I'm just taking small steps with it all. I really needed some new casual shoes so went into town and bought some yesterday, even though I was in the throes of feeling really not so good about myself. I am the only one who can build on my low self-worth; so I'm just going to treat myself, love myself a little more. If my longing for another child has caused me to be this self-honest and to grow from it; it's really not such a bad thing now is it.

Pure exhausation

I just seem to be so tired all the time. I am physically fit from going to the gym but don't seem to be getting the energy boost I normally do when I exercise. After a simple walk with my daughter yesterday I was practically falling asleep on the couch afterwards - at lunchtime. I miss that feeling of feeling fresh first thing in the morning. I get up and just feel so shattered. I just constantly feel like I need a long stint on a tropical island!

The anti-depressants are a short-term thing I'd say. I really need to get my hormones in balance in the long-term. I feel my Dr addressed my mood swings/depression by prescribing anti-depressants but that my actual hormonal imbalance was over-looked. I had to ask for the progesterone cream - which I haven't started using yet. I'm day three on the anti-depressants. I've had some head-aches, a bit of nausea and a slightly upset stomach.

I've booked a night away for our wee family next Saturday at a local campground that is located next to the Abel Tasman (a national park). The campground has some farm animals on it. We're booked in a cabin. It's an hours drive away. I just thought we probably all needed a change of scene as we haven't been away as a family since last December.

Tomorrow night my husband and I are going out for dinner! That's something else that we haven't done for a very long time. Our neighbours very kindly gave us a voucher for a great restaurant up the road as a thanks for the time my husband spent fixing their computer. One of them is going to baby-sit our daughter too which is great. I said to our neighbour we should do baby-sitting exchanges as they have three children aged six, nine and eleven years old.

I slowly feel like I'm putting energy back into family life. Having outings and little trips away to look forward to is good.

Yesterday I was on "parent help" at my daughter's Kindy. It's a voluntary thing - I'm on about once a month. It just involves cutting up fruit for afternoon tea, clearing out the dish-washer, doing a bit of dusting and stacking the dish-washer after afternoon tea. My daughter didn't really want me there at first! She clearly enjoys her space. But after a while she just came trotting up every now and then to see what I was doing.

A MOF-to-be really ruffled my feathers. She practically told me how to cut up the fruit - which is a very simplistic task of course. I definitely had a wave of resentment come over me as she told me what to do in what felt like a condenscing way with her bump sticking out in front of her. She has that air about her that she's has three children, has been through Playgroup/Kindy and now has a child at school - so she knows best. I am not imaging it just because I am a somewhat bitter SI, I swear!

It's now school holidays so no Kindy for two weeks. I am going to have organise quite a few playdates to keep my daughter busy/happy. That means contacting a few MOTs here and there. I still cannot handle too much exposure to MOTs so I will have to make sure I don't overdo the playdates. God I sound like such a bitter and worn-out woman! I just feel weighed down by SIF right now. I pray I will be relieved of the load sometime soon.

I hide it well

Yesterday I organised a playdate at a local indoor playground with a couple of friends and their children. I told them I was now on anti-depressants. I think I'm going to be fairly open about it (and I have afterall told the world via my blog!). I'm not going to shout it from the roof-tops or anything but I'm okay about telling people where appropriate. I would say I am not the only woman who has had to resort to happy pills after a decent chunk of time dealing with SIF. I am definitely not the only woman with menopausal symptoms/a hormonal imbalance who has been prescribed S.S.R.1.

I do want to make an appointment with a health professional who is a little more clued up around hormonal imbalances. I know there are saliva tests for example that some can do to check progesterone levels. I do think I have an underlying depression going on with mood swings on top of that and that's why I've not been able to move past it all. I had a few tears yesterday - I suppose it was a mix of relief and acknowledgement that this is where I'm at.

I've enjoyed going to the gym the last couple of nights. Last night I did Bodycombat which I haven't been able to do for a few weeks as I'd lost the fight within. But last night it felt so good to kick and punch my way through a class. The night before I did Bodybalance which I also haven't done for a couple of weeks. It felt really good to do the Yoga and Pilates moves.

I'm enrolled in an evening art class next month - Painting in Acrylics or Oils for Beginners. I'm really looking forward to it. It goes for about two months on a Tuesday night. Each class is two hours long. I like to draw quite simplistic cartoons with ink but have never had any kind of art training. I have this little fantasy that I'd like to sell paintings/greeting cards/book marks/children's books at a stall at the local Saturday markets. So it's time to start painting! Also I know it will be really therapeutic at this time to do some art. Interestingly the last time I had a major personal crisis - around twelve years ago - I did a lot of cartooning. In fact, I ended up retraining as a graphic designer as a result. I've been more into writing than art the last few years but they are both passions of mine. I certainly want to be doing both in my life.

One of my friends yesterday made the comment that they (my friends) never see my mood swings/depression. That's so true - I am very good at hiding that side of myself. Even when in quite intense emotional pain I can still put on a pretty good front. This of course helps me - I do mainly feel better after socialising a bit - except in a sea of MOTs of course... So maybe this is an opportunity for me to reveal the real me. I'm often seen out there as a carefree kind of a soul yet I am someone who experiences very deep emotions from time to time. I need to accept that that is how I am wired as well.

I'm now on happy pills!

So I went to the Dr yesterday. She's the same one I've had for the last few months. She's open minded, compassionate and just a genuine person. This made it easier when I laid my cards on the table and told her I was having trouble managing my extreme mood swings. She prescribed S.S.R.I (citalopram hydrobromide). It is a anti-depressant that is commonly administered for mood disorders. She listed a number of side effects I may get such as headaches initially, nausea/diarrhea, sexual dysfunction and insomnia. She said it'll take a few weeks before the drug will kick in. I'm also going back in two weeks to check in with her and to look at counselling - hopefully some free counselling. I totally agree that some counselling at this time would be really benefical.

I feel a mix of feelings around resorting to anti-depressants. On one hand I feel relief as surely this means things must improve from here on in. It can't get much worse than this can it - sinking to such an emotional low that I'm now on happy pills? On the other hand I feel defeated and humilated that I couldn't work this out for myself. I have been through several traumatic experiences in my life-time and have got through them, eventually, without anti-depressants. The truth is I'm prone to putting up with severe emotional pain and maybe this is a turning point. It's about admitting I can't do it on my own.

I'm not an advocate of drugs in any form. I can't stand them. Yet ironically this year I've taken more drugs than at any other time in my life - through surgery, pain-relief management post-surgery, Clomid, Provera - and now anti-depressants. I really tried to sort out my emotional unmanagebility by doing everything I thought might help - early nights, going to the gym, and getting a weekend job. These things helped a little. Yet I just haven't been able to shake the generally rotten feelings that come up from time to time. I might have a good day or two, or even four days in a row but it's never for long.

My Dr also prescribed progesterone cream (since I'm very low in progesterone) and estrogen cream (for painful sex). There is nothing else she can do for me on the menopause front until they know for sure. Hmmm. Well once I'm feeling a bit more on top of things, perhaps I'll start researching around other options. I've heard progesterone cream helps a lot of women - it would be great if it was that simple and it was just a case of me being low in a vital hormone.

I talked a bit with my Dr about SIF. She's written a letter to my gyno and is waiting for a response about what to do next since Provera failed to bring on AF. She said she would have tried another stronger drug to induce a period if I'd been in a better head space as apparently the drug really messes with your head. She suggested having a face to face consult with my gyno. I dunno, I feel as though I have given up on him. He has already said within a phone-call that he'll have to write to a colleague in Christchurch about my predictament himself if my FSH levels remain high. I'm just going to leave it for now. I'm not going to push for a medical answer around SIF. I have to look after me and where I'm at emotionally right now - that is the priority.

My internal conflict

I have reached a point within my SIF journey where I am at very clear cross-roads. The old me is adamant that God's Will is God's Will - that I cannot change what is presented before me in life. If God doesn't agree with any of my desires in life; then it's a case of c'est la vive.

I am now over halfway through reading The Fertile female by Julia Indichova (author of Inconceivable). A paragraph I read last night says it all: "At any given point throughout this journey, two birds might sing in your head. The bird of doubt sings the song of blame and misfortune and self-flagellation. The bird of fath says, "More shall be revealed." You'll have to decide which of those two birds you choose to feed." (p.146, The Fertile Female by Julia Indichova)

That's where I'm at! I really am not sure which bird am I going to feed around this. I cannot answer that today and am going to just allow myself to find my way with this. I am moving towards working it out. Some very big stuff is moving within. I've been working the twelve steps around SIF and have had many light-bulb moments of late. What is really huge is admitting that when life doesn't go my way and results in some kind of devastation/loss I use this as an opportunity to confirm in my head that I am not worthy of good/great things. I have been thinking about some of the depressive episodes I've had in my life over the years. They were basically all reactions to rather large disappointments.

In my twenties for instance I had a habit of picking womanisers to date. Not just one, not just two but three of the guys I dated as a twenty-something cheated on me. Infidelity is the most humilating form of betrayal I have ever experienced. Each time I was brought to my knees - the wind sucked out of my being. However the third time it happened I did look within and changed my internal world around what kind of a partner I deserved. As a consequence I married my husband who I trust with all my heart.

Perhaps SIF represents an opportunity for me to re-wire my brain once again. To affirm to myself that I do deserve the very best in life - to reach for the stars and all that. However I choose to look at all this, I am moving somewhere with it all. I am excited about this as I can feel it. My insides are shifting around and I am going to come of this, eventually, a much stronger person. It's going to be an act of humility for me today going to my Dr and admitting I've been suffering from severe mood swings. But it's time to seek help for those. I am open to her suggestions.

Yesterday was a very hard day for me but I'm feeling a lot better today. I've decided I need Dailystrength and will check in whenever I need to. I also need to go to the gym as much as I need to/want to. I thought for a couple of weeks I was managing - that I could do this on my own. I was restricting my time in Dailystrength and cutting down on gym work-outs. All because I thought it was taking away from family time.

Yet wherever I am within my SIF wars; I will always need people. It really has helped reading other people's journals over the last few days in Dailystrength and hearing about their own processes. Going to the gym just feels so good for me and I enjoy it. It makes me feel like I am moving somewhere - even if it is just on the bike as I do a spinning class! So I'm just going to go as much as I want to for now.

Where to from here?

This "anniversary" of two years of TTC has brought up a lot of stuff for me. I really am not sure which way I should or even want to go with things. I could follow the medical route and just accept that another child is basically an impossibility at this stage and call it a bad day (or bad year or two - ha, ha). Or I could keep hoping, somewhat blindly/desperately that by focusing on my mind-body stuff I could possibly push through all this and still become a Mum.

I believe in Gods Will and all that. That's how our daughter was conceived. My husband and I basically said if it was meant to be, it would happen. And it did - very easily. Four plus years ago when TTC for our first child I was in a much better place. We had been married for just five months and I got a BFP pretty much just like that. I was so serene and peaceful back then. I really trusted God. That is where I am aiming to get to again. Life was simple back then. I had a job in town and used to go for daily walks at lunchtime by the river. We'd just tied the knot and it was like a fresh start. I was positive and optimistic.

In comparison, just four years on I feel the complete opposite. I have to work so hard for peace and serenity these days. Sure sometimes it is there but this underlying pain and hurt I carry around often overrides it. I feel so worn-out and negative and pessimistic most of the time. I have lost my Lynda spark.

Trying to ascertain some kind of control around TTC does my head in. Maybe I am completely powerless afterall. Attempting to find my power within my infertility woes has caused me a lot of grief. I feel relief and excited at first that this new procedure/method might just lead to another child and then it doesn't work and I feel defeated all over again. I have tried so many things and feel like I am losing my mind as I cling desperately to different methods. Now I'm going to a vibrational healer - have I really lost my mind?! I get where Julia Indichova is coming from in The Fertile Female around finding our own way around TTC. But what if some of us aren't meant to have that child? There is a voice within that is hinting that that could be the case with me.

I have made a decision around my mood swings - I am going to (finally) get some professional help around them. I have been trying so hard on my own to shift my moods but to no avail. Sure the exercise helps, blogging helps but it seems the depression I have from time to time is too deep for me to work through on my own. I actually did a couple of questionnaries on the Net and I may even have clinical depression. Apparently it's not at all unusual for infertile women to end up like I have - particularly when there's been a biological issue. I have been waiting for a final diagnosis around my infertility before sorting things out but I think I have to just act with what I know at this point. It is not fair on my family to continue living like this and I sure am way over it.

I guess where I'm at is I have recognised that my emotional make-up at this point in time is unmanageable. I have some good days and I think yes! I've cracked this - the SIF blues are over, I'm ok! Then inevitably a few days later I wind up feeling like complete shit all over again. Sigh. So I will be phoning my Dr later on this morning to make an appointment asap.

I had a good weekend despite some intense emotional pain. Saturday we had a family outing to a fair at a country school. It was a lovely sunny day and our daughter had a ball going for a pony ride, having her face painted etc. Yesterday I worked at my job and made the most sales I ever had when I worked there. I was busy and geniunely enjoyed mixing with the customers that came in. They've asked me to work Saturday next weekend as a one-off - as well as the Sunday. It will be good for me I think to work a couple of days in a row. Obviously I wouldn't want to do that every weekend as it means we'll have no family time - but I have the following Sunday off to make up for it.

A MOTH-to-be came in to work yesterday that I know from Playgroup. She is five weeks away from having her third child. A wave of envy swept through me as soon as I saw her come in. I guess I am still operating in a why-not-me-God? mode. There were lots of bumps at the fair on Saturday and I found that really hard. When my daughter was waiting to have her face painted a woman commented All good things come to those who wait. I don't think that rings true for some infertiles unfortunately. Some of us are going to end up with an empty womb and a broken heart at the end of it all, no matter how long we wait and how hard we try.

Two years of TTC

We started TTC our second baby when my daughter was eighteen months old. She's three and a half years today so that means it's now been two years of TTC. Two years?! I know there are loads of women out there who have been TTC for more than two years and that in the grand scheme of things, it isn't a big time frame. Yet it feels like it's been too long. I have operated from this place of uncertainty and despair for many months. It feels like this is what my life has become - dealing with the ongoing issues of living with SIF and its feels old.

I have tried to move forward. Yet it is like being stretched out on a rubber band - I can only go so far then I get pinged back to where I started. I like to think I am getting stronger as time goes on; but I'm not so sure that is true. Most of the time I feel exhausted and in desperate need of something else to think of.

In the last two years I've tried to continue with life outside of SIF to the best of my ability. Last year I completed a Certificate in Small Business Management while freelancing (graphic design) a little on the side. This year I joined the gym and started working on Sunday's selling ceramics/helping out in a cafe. However the bottom-line is: SIF has dragged me down so that my life has become incredibly small. I try to make the most of this quiet period in my life and to see this as an opportunity to grow spirtually and emotionally. I am getting to know me all over again during an incredibly vulnerable time. One day I will look back at my experience with SIF and perhaps even be grateful for the unexpected gifts that were gained. (I'm not there yet!)

At the same time my daughter of course has grown. She was only eighteen months when we set out on a quest which we hoped would bring her a little brother or sister. She was a toddler and still so very small. Now she's three and a half, a Kindy girl and growing up so very fast. The baby days seems like they were a million years ago in this household. Unfortunately the mood swings that have come along with SIF/my hormonal imbalance mean I have not always been present for my daughter. I hate this. Although I have tried so very hard to be the best Mum that I can during all of this; I know my poor little girl has been affected. She has been dragged around to appointments and blood tests. SIF has robbed me of time with my daughter. As an aside, she was diagnosed with ASD (autism spectrum disorder) recently. I continue to pray for the strength to give her all she needs and deserves.

I have turned to all sorts of health professionals for help around TTC. After my chemical pregnancy in Dec '06; it became obvious that there was something wrong with my cycles. However Drs, a herbalist, an acupuncuturist, a gyno, and a masseuse were unable to change the fact that my cycles were stretching further apart and ovulation was starting to cease and in the end; it did totally. I had a laprotomy in May to remove two cysts. Unfortunately this didn't improve my fertility as my gyno had predicted it would.

In July through blood tests I received a half-diagnosis of ovarian failure/premature menopause with a FSH of 86. My Dr wanted to try another round of bloods before confirming the diagnosis yet the last two rounds of Provera have failed to bring on a period. I will be phoning her next week to see what the next step is.

To me it is obvious that I am in menopause. I have all the symptoms and they are not a joy to live with: night sweats, hot flashes, mood swings, painful sex, depression and sore breasts from time to time. It was predicted by the obstetrician who delivered my daughter that premature menopause could be my fate since I lost my left ovary in the same operation. Every health professional has argued along the way that one ovary shouldn't necessarily equate to infertility and that I was too young to be in menopause yet it seems this is probably what has happened in my case.

Yet I have been seeing a vibrational healer for the last month or so in the hope that she can help me. Something has shifted - she has assisted in revealing some of the deep emotional baggage that lies within SIF. I want another child with all my heart yet there is some stuff there that appears to be blocking the way. I have to sift through it all and will do so, regardless of whether or not another baby comes along.

I was thirty-eight years old when we started TTC for the second time - now I'm forty years old. Although I had the best celebrations around turning forty; I feel as though life isn't going to truly begin again for me until I get through all this emotional crap that SIF has unearthed.

There have to be some positives right, going through such a testing time for two years? Well I am grateful for the women I have met on Dailystrength and for my fellow SIF bloggers out there. It has meant the world to me to know that I am not alone in all this. I have had a place to vent within my own blog but also within Dailystrength when I've really needed to connect with those also going through SIF.

For many months I was consumed by jealousy around bumps and mothers of two (MOTs). Yet eventually I realised that focusing on my envy (even though it was totally understandable) was not helping me. I still have twinges of pain when I see MOTs yet I have altered my week so I am no longer exposed to them so often. This has helped. Now my daughter is at Kindy I stopped taking her to Playgroup and Music, the local bump and MOT infested waters which I found very difficult to go to.

Now my daughter is at Kindy I have three afternoon sessions a week to myself to do as I please. (3 x two hour time-slots). I am making the most of this time - going to cafes and reading trashy mags, going to town for childless trips or just coming home and enjoying some time to myself. Yet although this means my life has slowly moved forward it still feels as though I haven't achieved much at all in the last two years. As my peers get to care for their growing families; I feel as though I am still pretty much nursing a broken-heart.

I have started working the twelve steps around SIF. This combined with the vibrational healing seems to finally be budging the feeling of being stuck I've had for so long.

I'm in my third year of TTC yet certainly don't feel like some kind of IF expert. If anything I am in no-mans land (still) since I no longer have proper cycles. Although I've had three rounds of Clomid, and four rounds of Provera; I haven't moved beyond the basic fertility drugs as they are not applicable to my situation. I feel the medical world hasn't yet caught up with the fact I probably am in menopause. I don't want to be but it really needs to be sorted out - living with a hormonal imbalance impacts on my whole life.

According to the vibrational "healer lady"; the imbalance of my emotions could be causing the imbalance of my hormones. I am still not convinced by that theory but will keep on keeping on. I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's still a little way off; but one day I will get my life back again.

Self-worth

The healer lady on Tuesday said towards the end of the session that what had come up very strongly for me this time was self-worth. Since then several layers have revealed themselves around that issue - particularly the underlying fact that I have very low self-worth at this point in time. Two years of SIF have contributed to this; but it goes much deeper than that - it's something I haven't had much of most of my life. It isn't quite the same as self-esteem as described within Leo Bogee Jr's excellent description of self-worth.

The Lessons For Living site also claims that "Self-worth differs from self-esteem. Self-worth is what you are born with. As one of the creations of the universe you are worthwhile and have value, which cannot be taken from you. You can’t lose it, but you can lose sight of it. You can forget your value."

I have lost sight of my self-worth. It feels like I have to start all over again, in a sense, and rebuild it. On the All About Life Challenges site they say that "Nothing depreciates self-worth faster than regret, anger, or fear." Well I have been in a place of both anger and fear for many, many months. It has caused me to lose sight of my own self-worth.

This emotional exploration is starting to make sense. I had to go way, way back to turn it around, I suppose. I've had some significant dreams lately too and have recorded them. The dreams are about fear and about losing my self-worth a long time ago. They are pretty intense.

My quivering self-worth explains why I often don't proceed past a certain point in several areas in my life. They say you have to love yourself before you can have a healthy intimate relationship with another adult. I do have self-love, I believe. However surely as a parent or parent-to-be a healthy dosage of self-worth is also required. I had enough self-worth to bring one child into the world - but enough self-worth to bring a second one into the world? I'm not sure.

I really identify with what is written on The Not Alone site about the heart of self-worth: "If you observe your life very closely, you will discover that you don't necessarily get what you deserve. Rather, you get no more and no less than what you believe you deserve. Only to the degree that you appreciate your innate human worthiness will your subconscious mind open up to life's bounty. Success involves talent, effort, and creativity, but first of all, it requires a willingness to receive." That is the missing piece of the puzzle for me!! - I do have a lot going for me but I cannot seem to get past the feeling that I am not worthy a lot of the time for great things. Clearly, this is what I need to work on.

I feel like I have exposed a "core issue" and that's a relief. It means although some more emotional digging might be required on my part; I have scraped the surface.

Torn

I didn't blog yesterday as the internet was down for a bit here. Might have to go back to blogging first thing in the morning. It's hard to find the time during the day otherwise. And I'm trying to avoid being on the computer at night if it can be helped. It's been raining a bit again so I'm glad I made the most of the sunny four days we had in a row. I am certainly someone who perks up when the sun is out.

It's raining today and I don't feel so perky. It's like I have been unplugged emotionally and all this stuff is starting to ooze out. Although my desire for a second child is very genuine, I do think it was my guise for quite some time. Beneath the surface there is a lot more going on.

The Provera failed to work for a second time in a row to bring on AF so from where I stand it's frickin' obvious that I am in menopause. I have all the symptoms. It makes perfect sense. Yet the "healer lady" has implied that once things are back in balance with me emotionally, my periods will resume. Really? She also said the reason the Provera hasn't worked the last two times is because I've started this healing work which may have cancelled out the affects of Provera. Hmmm. I'm afraid I can't quite believe this. Perhaps because I can't quite believe it; then perhaps I won't be able to restore the hormonal balance in my body. Quite frankly it feels a bit far-fetched.

I'm back in one of my black and white thinking phases. I just want someone to give me an answer - any answer. For goodness sakes it's been two years of trying to figure out why I'm not ovulating or getting periods. I'll take menopause at this point. Surely this is just nature taking it's course. It has been hard living with the symptoms of menopause while not taking anything for them.

Maybe I want to see it this way as taking responsibility/ownership for my hormonal imbalance on an emotional level is hard work. I will keep plodding on with dealing with the pile of emotional back-log that seems to be before me. But I am very torn around my motives for doing so. On the one hand it's obvious I need to do it and really, what choice do I have if I want to move forward in my life? On the other hand I have some faith, albeit very small, that perhaps I do have the power to change my world because of my longing for a child a la Julia Indichova. I just don't like feeling torn. It's like I don't know what I believe in right now.

Third appointment with "healer lady"

Well I had my third appointment with the"healer lady" this arvo. I think it went well. I'm not sure how you can tell the difference between a good and bad appointment with a vibrational healer. I guess like anything, it's a case of going with your gut. So, going by that, it went well. I do feel things shifting emotionally during and after the sessions. I felt stuck for so long, now I don't. I have a scarey emotional mountain to climb yet I've started the traverse already. The only way is up from here.

I'm still struggling with getting my head around the fact that my emotional shite could be causing my hormonal imbalance. If so, how much emotional crap exactly is there to deal with?! The "healer lady" has never come out and said that the two are connected yet she has certainly implied it. The fact I have one ovary and that it's removal may have contributed to ovarian failure/premature menopause is much easier for me to grasp.

I actually fell asleep for a few brief moments on the table at today's session. I also saw a baby boy, in my dream-like state. I happen to be reading about dreams in The Fertile Female right now so will pay a bit more attention to them from now on.

Things are subtly shifting. I am blogging later in the day for instance. I just don't feel like starting my day with yet another rant about how I don't have another baby (!) So I've been enjoying starting the day on what feels like a more positive note. I'm going to the gym a little less. I still do my three cardio sessions a week and weights once a week but only go to Pilates/Yoga when I feel like it. I haven't felt like it the last two weeks. It's actually been nice having some nights in. I'm making more of an effort to have quality time with my husband on week-nights, even if it's just to watch a bit of tv together while drinking tea. I guess I can already see that for many weeks/months my SIF shit was so hard for me to manage that I could only do so by going to the gym several times a week. Now I'm fit but I don't feel I need to escape to the gym so often anymore. Having said that, I will go as many times as I want to in a week. All I'm saying is I'm not going to force myself to go x amount of times if I'm in the mood to just chill some weeks. Just going with where I'm at.

My next appointment with the "healer lady" is in a fortnight. She said I might feel a bit low after today's session as the emotional stuff starts freeing itself up, as such. That is kind of what happened and mainly why I didn't go to the gym tonight. It feels like being at home and embracing what I do have - a family of three - is the most gentle thing I can do.

A busy day

I normally blog first thing in the morning but it didn't happen this morning as my daughter "slept-in" - and so did I - til 7.45am! Normally she's up somewhere between five and six in the morning so it was quite a the treat getting up a bit later.

It's been a busy, but a good day. The weather has been gorgeous the last three days after a particularly rainy period, so I took my daughter off to the beach mid-morning. We needed to go food shopping today so there wasn't much food in the house, so we bought our lunch from the local bakery. Oh I do love to be beside the sea-side...I really do. It lifts my spirits every time.

My daughter missed out on Kindy today as she had an appointment up at the hospital with audiology. All went well though she's going back in six months as one of her tests was ever so-slighty "iffy". She did so well sitting there and playing various games for a good half hour or so. I was very proud of her - I was practically bursting at the seams.

We did the food shopping this arvo then came home and made home-made pizza for tea. It is so nice being able to open the ranch-sliders now and have the whole indoor/outdoor flow thing going on. There is definitely more of a spring in all our steps in our wee family now that the weather has brightened.

Emotionally I'm a little torn around where I want to go/am heading with SIF. A part of me thinks the writing is on the wall - so why not bloody well give up. Another part of me thinks maybe this is a mind-over-matter life event I am meant to get past. I dunno. I overheard a Mum say to her newborn as she placed it in the shopping trolley next to a toddler today "Now you sit here, next to your big sister." That tugs at my heart-strings - but whether that's because I know on some level that will never be me or because there's still some SIF fight in me, I'm not sure.

Just gonna enjoy the sunshine

We've had a particularly wet Winter and now Spring (thus far). For the last few weeks it has been sunny on average about once a week. Well today is one of those days in which we've been blessed with sunshine so I am going to make the most of it.

I am off to meet a friend this morning who is very kindly shouting me brunch as my 40th birthday prezzie. I have great friends. I feel so blessed to know so many wonderful women. SIF used to distance me from those I love, but I no longer feel it has to be that way. Sure, unless you've experienced IF, it is going to be foreign territory. But a friend is a friend and I'm all about celebrating those connections at this point.

I can see that I am coming out of SIF hiding in a way. For many months the secondary infertility community in Dailystrength was the only place I felt understood and heard. That is still the case in a lot of ways, but I don't need to dwell on SIF quite as much these days. It's a natural process. I'm just letting myself be where I'm at. I guess I'm able to share a bit more around SIF with others now that I am not so emotionally consumed by it.

Today is one of those days in which I can truly sense that there are blue skies ahead. And literally of course- nothing like a gorgeous Spring day to renew one's hope.

Cutting back on the icecream

I've been slowly tuning into what I need on this mind-body healing path I'm on. Turns out icecream isn't so good for me. It was recommended in The Fertility Diet - as a high fat instead of a low fat. For a while there I was having one or two icecreams a week and I think that worked for me.

However substituting yoghurt with icecream in my mid-morning smoothie doesn't feel right for me. My body is telling me it's overloaded with icecream so I will no longer be putting it into my smoothie. I have rashes on my upper thighs and a niggling cough which I know I've had in the past when I have over-dosed on dairy food. I think I'll go back to having low-fat yoghurt in my smoothie and icecreams a couple of times a week. See how desperate I got?! Admittedly it felt wierd putting icecream into what was meant to be a healthy energy-drink but I did it because I thought just maybe it might help me ovulate, as I had read a high-fat intake could.

I took my last Provera pill (on round four) yesterday so here's hoping AF turns up sometime soon. Now I've had four goes on Provera I have noticed that my skin itches on my body and my face gets quite dry and a little bit spotty every time I take it. I seem to get pretty tired on it too though I feel like I am always tired these days so that symptom is kind of hard to decipher.

I turned up a little earlier at Kindy yesterday to see how my daughter was doing as there was a half-hour organised group activity going on. She was doing really well - was in the middle of the group and participating for a good twenty minutes. Then she had enough and was doing her own thing. The Head Kindy teacher was rapt, as was I, because when she first started Kindy when a similar activity was organised a few weeks back, she stood far away from the group, standing by the fence. It seems when she's comfortable in a situation, she'll warm to it. Her ASD is very mild - all she really needs is time to adjust to new situations and some extra coaxing as well as acceptance around how much she chooses to participate.

I was holding a MOT friend's one year old for some of the session. Another MOT commented that I had acquired a baby. I felt like saying "I wish!" It was on the tip of my tongue! I cannot describe exactly how I feel now around a second baby. I do certainly still feel envy around MOT's but at the same time I have much more acceptance than before that I am just on the path I am on which involves a lot of internal hard-work.

I am enjoying reading Julia Indichova's second book The Fertile Female. I feel as though I am traveling alongside her as I continue to delve within for my own answers at this time. I thought for a while that if only I could put my energy into something else, like a new career/focus then perhaps all this baby-stuff would leave me. But it doesn't work like that. I have no choice but to look at all that lies beneath my baby dreams. I realise now that until I do, life will not move forward. So I am so glad I have started the ball rolling as such. Great things will come out of all this - in God's time. Now is the time for ploughing the field and sowing the seeds. Harvesting is a little way off in the future.

Becoming unstuck

I have noticed a slight change in my demeanour since seeing the "healer lady." There are a lot of layers to work through around several issues and it's going to take time. I have been slowly moving forward over the last few months. I have done really well in the self-care department, I reckon. I've been really tuning into my needs and am ensuring they are met. My body is adjusting to going to bed earlier for instance. I used to often read til 11pm knowing full well I'd be up around five or six am the next morning. These days the lights are out by 10pm. I don't seem to need quite as long to unwind. I have my own bedtime routine going on too where I have a herbal cup of tea around 8pm - often a "bedtime" infusion.

I have started the process of facing the emotional pile-up that lay beneath SIF for many months. I knew it was there all along but found it easier to vent/grieve about another baby than face what was really going-on. So the self-honesty is there - as well as the willingness to deal with all that has surfaced on an emotional level.

I've started reading Julia Indochova's second book : The Fertile Female: How the Power of Longing For a Child Can Save Your Life and Change the World. I'm up to chapter three and have found the book to be useful so far though it is one of the books you no doubt have to read more than once as there is a bit in it. Also I often am lucky if I read half a chapter a night these days so most of the time forget where I am in books like this one. But what I have got out of it so far is that longing for something (not necessarily a child) inevitably involves a process. Every step along the way brings you closer to your child, Julia claims. I kinda believe that - or at least I believe that every step throughout this SIF journey is bringing me closer to a conclusion. Is there a baby for me at the end of all this? I find it hard to really believe that sometimes.

I do feel as though I am becoming unstuck though. I believe it's a result of a combination of working the twelve steps around SIF and doing this vibrational healing work. It's as though both my mind and body are being coaxed to let go of this block I have going on. So I'll get there but it'll take as long as it takes. There really is no rush. Julia points this out too in The Fertile Female. The whole point is to take things at your own pace - not to be dictated by professionals, esp. those that harp on about old eggs etc.

Still, I'm coming up to two years of aspiring to be a Mum for the second time. I say aspiring because I really can't say it's been two years of TTC. I so don't fit into the box of TTC every month and enduring the 2WW. Nope, when you have virtually no periods and medically you don't have the full answers for that you are kinda in no-mans land. The thing is I've got used to been here. I still don't like it much but I'm making the most of it.

I decided a couple of weeks ago to cut down my time in Dailystrength. I joined the secondary infertility community at the end of last year. I used to check in daily, then weekly, now it's monthly. I just think it's time for me to broaden my horizons outside the world of SIF. Like I say, I'm not your typical candidate - my journey seems to more about focusing inwards than waiting around for cervical mucus. I do treasure the friends I have made in Dailystrength and will keep the contact going yet I think I need to put as much time and energy into my own healing right now. Somehow this all ties together - letting go of the need to talk to others all the time about how much SIF sucks. I'm trying to move past that place and just focus on nurturing me.

I'm making baby steps around the self-nurturing. My daughter is fascinated with her baby years so the other day I changed around some of the photo frames in our house so that they contain baby photos. Admittedly this is mainly because we only have hard copy photos of her baby days. We have hundreds of photos of her aged one plus, but they are all on the computer at this stage. Anyway it has been therapeutic in a way having photos of her around the house as a baby. A reminder that there was a baby here once and you never know - a baby could reside here again.

2nd appointment with "healer lady"

Yesterday's appointment with the "healer lady" went okay. I wasn't as impressed with her as I was in the first appointment (three weeks ago). She didn't do her clarivoyant thing as much and and just gave me space to talk then did some vibrational healing while I lay down, fully clothed, on a massage table. I suppose the fact she phoned up to remind me of my appointment that morning and got my name wrong initially and then asked yesterday if I wanted another baby had me questioning her a little bit. I thought we'd established very clearly last appointment that I wanted another baby. She actually asked if I had just the one. Say what?!

I've got another appointment with her next Tuesday and will continue seeing her for now. Somehow the visits are helping unravel the big emotional mess I have going on. She said my priority should be on getting myself balanced again - sorting out this hormonal imbalance which I agree with. Once my energy levels have improved, then I can start sorting out the emotional stuff. It's too personal (even for me!) to disclose what came out emotionally in yesterday's session - there were tears and some admitting out loud of some things. I cannot reveal much more than that as it is relational stuff. A lot of what I said I had journalled about/thought about already. It wasn't new to me - but it was new to talk about it out loud so it helped to get things in perspective.

The "healer lady" thought perhaps my period didn't come after the last round of Provera because of the healing process around her last session. Hmmm, not sure I buy that one. Quite frankly I was lying there in yesterday's session thinking maybe I'd rather pay another ten dollars to have an actual full body massage elsewhere! I'm just trusting my inner guidance with all this a la Julia Indichovca. If it doesn't feel right at any point, I will move on.

MOT Envy

I cannot help it, I've had a bad case of MOT envy hit me lately. Yesterday when I took my daughter to Kindy there were two MOTH's-to-be I knew from Playgroup/Music. Their eldest children had just started Kindy last week/this week. I hadn't seen either MOTH-to-be for months and was so jealous of their rounded bellies. I mean a third on the way?! That is so not fair! I'm sorry but when you've struggled with SIF and really just wanted one more child - it is very hard to see others squeezing them out effortlessly.

I know too that I'm angry about it all as I've started addressing the big emotional block that I believe has a lot to do with the standstill mode that I'm in. That's hard/emotional work in itself. It will be interesting to see what the "healer lady" picks up at this afternoons session as it feels like it is right on top for me.

I'm going to bed early but am still so fatigued. I do think Provera just seems to amplify my hormonal state. I started doing the twelve steps yesterday. I came home and journalled for a bit while my daughter was at Kindy. I'm on Step One: Admitted we were powerless over infertility* and that our lives had become unmanageable. *Note: I've substituted alcohol with infertility.

I'm lacking in oomph today, I know it. Admittedly I have a slight snuffle so am hoping it doesn't turn into a full-blown cold. Oh man, I am as flat as a pancake, aren't I!

Inconceivable by Julia Indichova

I finished reading Inconceivable: A Woman's Triumph over Despair and Statistics by Julia Indichova last night. It had been recommended to me by a couple of fellow SI's. All in all it was a good read. Essentially it's about a woman who beats the medical odds. Her FSH levels are very high and she is turned down and discouraged by many a specialist. She starts turning inward and following the leads she is given to improve her overall health and therefore fertility. She starts to see TTC as an adventure, and her world opens up as she tunes into her body and mind. For her this means turning to Yoga, herbs and facing some emotional blockages. Her insights are worth it as in the end she does end up conceiving, and then delivering a healthy baby. (her second child).

I relate a lot to Julia's journey. I'm there myself. Once again Drs are stumped as they can't even bring on a fake period for me via Provera, though here's hoping it works with the current dosage I'm on. Julia mentions slowing down and just sorting out her infertility at her own pace despite her age and FSH levels. Self-care is her priority. She mentions making an effort to have eight hours sleep a night. Well I decided just a few weeks ago that more sleep was definitely what I needed. My daughter wakes between 5 and 6am so that means I should be in bed between 9 and 10pm. I have been sticking to this for a month or so and now my body naturally winds down around 8pm. I have started falling asleep in front of the tv a couple of times since going to bed a bit earlier. I think also my body and mind are catching up with what has been an exhausting process - SIF. Not to mention my fluctuating energy levels that come with my hormonal imbalance.

I think I'm on the right track to sorting out my body. I do cardio exercise via group fitness classes three times a week, one Pilates/Yoga class, and weights once a week all at the same gym. I eat pretty healthily but have to admit I've probably loosened "the rules" a bit more around the not-so-good-foods. I haven't turned into a pig or anything , but I will have something sweet like a chocolate brownie at a cafe now if I feel like it. Every woman is going to be different with her inward journey around TTC. I was a sugar Nazi for many months and although I still don't think a lot of sugar is good for anyone; a small treat here and there is my way of letting go a little, if that makes sense.

I'm not sure if I will go down the herbs route again or not. I'm seeing the "healer lady" again tomorrow and am hoping she will guide me with where to go to from here. My mind does need sorting out, I know that much. No doubt I'm going to have to go for some more counselling though I do know the "healer lady" in her sessions allows space to talk, if needed. I have an emotional block going on - that has become very clear to me now.

I still feel like I am going round in circles a little bit. Guess I kinda thought I'd hit forty and it would be all over. But it's not. I just have to accept this is a particularly long chapter in my life and who knows how long it'll go on for. I do think my outlook has changed around turning forty - I've got things in perspective and can see there are greener pastures ahead. I just have to keep on keeping on. There definitely is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Back on Provera

I phoned my Dr yesterday to see what she thought since the last round of Provera (5mg) was ineffective in that I never got a period. She decided to put me on Provera again and has doubled the dosage - I'm on 10mg this time for a week. If AF doesn't arrive, she said she'll have to make contact with my gyno for his opinion. She tried to offer Clomid in my system as being the reason why my FSH levels were so high at 87 last round of bloods. But I said actually I didn't start on Clomid til the evening of my day two FSH blood test, which was taken in the morning. She then said she'd talked to colleagues and it was believed that Clomid stays in your system for a while, possibly affecting FSH levels. I then said I actually hadn't been on Clomid for a few months before the blood tests to which I got a oh.

It seems my Dr still cannot accept my half-diagnosis of ovarian failure/premature menopause. I have and I am wondering if it is reversible. Can I really change it? I really don't know. The hot flashes and night sweats continue and my energy levels have dipped considerably the last few days. As my energy crashes; so does my mood. I have to just go to bed early and work really hard at being positive if I don't want to be taken down.

I'm looking forward to my Tuesday appointment with the "healer lady" to see what she picks up on this time. After having some of my old friends in town/ a great 40th; this week has been kind of flat. I do miss going out and having some girl time. I have been doing that over the last few months but perhaps not enough. I don't mean going out and painting the town red - just a simple cup of tea and a chat would suffice. I'm going to see Mamma Mia! for the second time this afternoon with a friend and her daughter so that'll be fun. My mother bought me the soundtrack as part of my birthday present and I've played it just about every day. My three year old often requests that I put ABBA on and asks for Honey, Honey and Super Trooper.

I truly hope this is the last time I'm on Provera. I really want to move on from the medical world around all this yet at the same time need the medical perspective so I can start addressing this hormonal imbalance of mine.

Twinges of sadness

It feels as though the whole number two baby thing has been in my face a bit this week. It's almost as though God is testing me, to see if I will crack or keep on keeping on. Well I haven't cracked but I am only human and it is still a challenge sometimes watching others playing happy (growing) families.

A close friend who had her second baby recently has shared a little around the different personalities between her off-spring. It's interesting to hear yet it's like hearing about a dream that someone else got that I didn't. I watched a MOT friend yesterday as she picked up her eldest daughter from Kindy - she reached for her little sister's hand and the two of them filed out of Kindy together. Raising two different personalities and the bond between siblings equate to the key reasons why I wanted another child.

Another MOT friend stated this week that having two children was double the trouble. I know that yet it doesn't take away the fact that there was a space in my heart that pined for another child for quite some time. The want is still there but I suppose I'm attempting to turn things around so another baby isn't a need. Life has to carry on. What else am I supposed to do? I certainly am well past sitting in a SIF slump for days on end.

Babies seem to crop up on TV a lot. One of the characters of my favourite NZ soap Shortland Street went into premature labour last night. Then this morning on High Five, an Australian children's show, one of the former band members came back with her baby. Everyone was standing around cooing at the baby - it was too much first thing in the morning.

My daughter enjoys watching a DVD we have edited of her first year of her life. She likes me to watch it with her and talk about what she's doing as a baby. I feel so blessed to have been through the baby years once yet sometimes I ponder whether this is it for me or not.

I guess for the last few weeks since my daughter left Playgroup, I have managed to avoid situations in which I've been saturated by bumps and babies. But obviously I will still be exposed to growing families whether it be in real life or on TV. I'm glad it's no longer a regular weekly occurence - it's has helped me move on. Yet there are going to be times when my former dream kicks me in the guts. But I'm not going to let it drag me down if I can help it. I say former dream because it does feel like my life is heading in another direction. It might not be permanent but for now babies and bumps are not relevant to where God seems to want me to go.

Making the most of what I've got

I feel like I'm in a very good phase with it all. All the time and energy that used to go into SIF, is now going into me. It does feel like a time of refueling my mind, body, and soul. I am actually enjoying myself. I am finding me again and this means doors are starting to open in other areas of my life.

It's hard to explain but I guess I had a TTC time-frame in my mind. Another baby never came along when "it was meant to", so I do feel as though I am moving on in a sense. I am certainly very open to another baby, but am pretty much just going to carry on with the rest of my life now. I am no longer in a holding pattern. The Provera didn't work so no AF for quite some time. I will ph my GP to see what she thinks. I'm not even worried about that. Medically, I know there is nothing they can do to help me conceive another biological child. I have reached the end of the road. Donor eggs and adoption are the options from here but I'm not interested in pursuing either of them right now.

I'm just going to continue quietly "experimenting" in the background with TTC in a holistic way. I do still believe another biological child is a possibility. The quest to have another child is not imposing on the rest of my life like it did for so long. I actually feel like I have a life again.

As I make the most of what I have, I am able to move forward. This is a small miracle for me as I have felt like I've been at a standstill for so long. I feel the need to express my inner artist so will look at night-school art classes next term. I like to cartoon and have always wanted to have a go at painting cartoons on canvass in colour. Normally I just use ink. I feel there could be an opportunity for me to combine my graphic design background with art somehow. I have fantasised how I'd like to have a stall at the local market selling artwork so I guess I better start painting if I want to make that dream a reality! I'm also going to look into writing courses again.

I just think this next chapter in my life should be about doing what I really want to in life. SIF squashed me for quite some time. I may or may not become a mother again. But for now I'm not going to stand around wondering if it'll happen or not. I'm going to get out there and put some dreams into practice. A belated 40th present that arrived yesterday in the mail for me sums it up: four letters on a plaque spelling LIVE. I really like that. That is totally where I'm at.

Cabin fever!

My daughter started getting sick with a cold on Saturday night so we've stayed at home all week. (It's now Wednesday). I had two and a half days in the house without leaving and was going quite stir-crazy by the end of yesterday. I went to the gym and grocery shopping in the evening as I just had to get out!

I have to admit, the further I get from the baby days of parenting, the more I wonder if I could do it again. Or do I want to do it again? I have been enjoying my new-found freedom as a Kindy Mum. I have really missed those "me time" breaks this week! I have been embracing this next stage of motherhood, and have been enjoying rediscovering me all over again.

Surprisingly, I don't have a lot of envy towards the friend who had her second baby last week. Quite frankly, I'm glad it's not me! Boy is that a turnaround! I have had cabin fever this week stuck at home with a sick child - the thought of being housebound with two children really doesn't appeal at this point at all.

I'm not sure where I'm at around another baby, exactly. I still want one yet I guess I've let go of the desire enough to not feel consumed by thoughts of another baby. It was so good seeing all my friends from different periods of my life at my 40th as it reminded me that there have been several incarnations of Lynda over the years. Motherhood is just one of them. Now that I'm forty I am truly inspired to reach for the stars as such with my other dreams. I am allowing them to surface now that my dream to have another baby has been released to God like one of the helium balloons that floated off into the sky last week.

I am tuning into me. Doing what I want to do, going where I want to go around things - not 'cos I have to. I often live like this but I think I lost direction a bit with SIF for a while. I'm changing my gym routine a bit, for example. The class I do on a Wednesday night is too late for me at 6.30pm. My energy levels are low in that class and half-way through, around seven, I find I am often struggling. Bodybalance (the Tai Chi/Pilates/Yoga) class works though at 6.45pm as it is a different kind of energy - much more gentle and soothing. I did it last night and it was great.

Even though I say I have let go of my baby dreams, I am still doing little things that indicate I think and hope another baby is still a possibility. Last night during relaxation in my Bodybalance class I imagined I was holding my newborn. I'm still eating wholegrain bread, adding icecream to my smoothie, and have cut down on potatoes in my diet as per The Fertility Diet. I take a prenatal vitamin alongside a multi-vitamin every morning. I'm caffeine-free and avoid junk-food most of the time. Apart from a few drinks for my 40th; I barely drink. So I certainly am preparing my body for another baby. My mind is the next step. I have some decluttering to do. I have some scrambled thoughts/messages around another baby that I need to sort out.

I suppose for so long I fought with God when it looked as though another baby wasn't coming any time soon. But now I've stopped fighting and have come to see that life is fine, and even great just the way it is as a Mum of one. Perhaps I no longer need a second baby to complete me like I thought I did for quite some time. The missing pieces within my life are within me - not another baby. I really feel that now.

The colour green

I can't seem to get enough of the colour green. For my recent 40th celebrations, I wore green in two different outfits. For my Girls Night Out I wore a lime green halter top - with black pants and black boots. For my brunch I wore a patterned green shift dress. I bought green ear-rings to go with my brunch outfit. Even my new hand-bag is green! I have been in green phases before - but this feels excessive. I am wondering if it is connected to me shifting to a much lighter and positive place around SIF. I seem to be in acceptance, and no longer swimming against the current, if you get my drift. (excuse the bad pun!)

After my appointment with the "healer lady" a couple of weeks ago, I have been thinking about chakras a bit. I really don't know much about them. But I googled green and chakras and found this link. Fertility is mentioned under the fourth chakra/green which is interesting. BTW, my next appointment with the "healer lady" has been prosponed for a second time (til next Tues) - this time because my daughter is sick with a cold this week.

I feel more open around things. Not so urgent, harrassed, or desperate. I have been reading Julia Indichova's book Inconceivable. I'm about half-way through and can relate to her journey of just turning inwards and following the leads she is given one step at a time. It doesn't mean I will be doing it her way exactly. My inner world is opening up right now so that means my outer world is broadening at the same time. The ugly days of SIF are over. I'm getting me back again. I definitely lost a big part of my identity to SIF for a while there. It feels so good to be coming out on the other side of it all.

Girl power

I had the most amazing weekend celebrating my 40th. My Girls Night Out on Friday night was loads of fun. Fifteen did Bodyjam donning bandanas that I had purchased through Canteen. Then 23 went out for dinner at a modern bar/restaurant in town. I didn't count, but I think about 12 of us went out dancing afterwards around 11pm and four of us stayed out til 3am! Yes 3am. I haven't been out that late for quite some time so I was quite impressed I made it out that late!

The next morning I had a brunch with 14 adults plus two children where I work on Sundays. It was a lovely sunny day and the brunch lasted for about three hours. It was mainly the friends who had travelled that came along to the brunch plus my Mum and her partner and a good "older" friend of mine and her husband and daughter.

The whole weekend was perfect. It all went so well and everyone had a great time. I really needed some girlie time - especially on masse like on Friday night. I realised as I looked around the restaurant when we were all seated for dinner that we had all had our trials and tribulations. Three of us out of the twenty-three have been dealing with infertility, a couple of friends have been through separation and divorce, another friend has a special needs child and one has lost her Mum recently. Others have had the usual work-life balance struggle to deal with - especially as Mums. Some of the women I invited I didn't know so well, but I had the feeling that most of us needed a good night out, regardless of the reasons.

I may have shared some life challenges with some of the women at my 40th but I've also experienced a lot of joy. It has helped things swing around a lot, I believe. To see that life balances out - that we all have our trying times but in the end, life should be about embracing the good bits. It was the friends I've had for a long time that reminded me of this as I've been through other hard times in my life and come out on the other side.

So I feel like I have arrived into the next decade with a bit of a hiss and a roar. My 40's are going to be great. I still have a bit of sorting out to do on the SIF front. There is some stuff on top that needs to be looked at. But I can see and feel the light at the tunnel now. I truly believe the doom and gloom of SIF is over. Life is starting to have a different focus now - brighter days are ahead for sure.