I'm now on happy pills!

So I went to the Dr yesterday. She's the same one I've had for the last few months. She's open minded, compassionate and just a genuine person. This made it easier when I laid my cards on the table and told her I was having trouble managing my extreme mood swings. She prescribed S.S.R.I (citalopram hydrobromide). It is a anti-depressant that is commonly administered for mood disorders. She listed a number of side effects I may get such as headaches initially, nausea/diarrhea, sexual dysfunction and insomnia. She said it'll take a few weeks before the drug will kick in. I'm also going back in two weeks to check in with her and to look at counselling - hopefully some free counselling. I totally agree that some counselling at this time would be really benefical.

I feel a mix of feelings around resorting to anti-depressants. On one hand I feel relief as surely this means things must improve from here on in. It can't get much worse than this can it - sinking to such an emotional low that I'm now on happy pills? On the other hand I feel defeated and humilated that I couldn't work this out for myself. I have been through several traumatic experiences in my life-time and have got through them, eventually, without anti-depressants. The truth is I'm prone to putting up with severe emotional pain and maybe this is a turning point. It's about admitting I can't do it on my own.

I'm not an advocate of drugs in any form. I can't stand them. Yet ironically this year I've taken more drugs than at any other time in my life - through surgery, pain-relief management post-surgery, Clomid, Provera - and now anti-depressants. I really tried to sort out my emotional unmanagebility by doing everything I thought might help - early nights, going to the gym, and getting a weekend job. These things helped a little. Yet I just haven't been able to shake the generally rotten feelings that come up from time to time. I might have a good day or two, or even four days in a row but it's never for long.

My Dr also prescribed progesterone cream (since I'm very low in progesterone) and estrogen cream (for painful sex). There is nothing else she can do for me on the menopause front until they know for sure. Hmmm. Well once I'm feeling a bit more on top of things, perhaps I'll start researching around other options. I've heard progesterone cream helps a lot of women - it would be great if it was that simple and it was just a case of me being low in a vital hormone.

I talked a bit with my Dr about SIF. She's written a letter to my gyno and is waiting for a response about what to do next since Provera failed to bring on AF. She said she would have tried another stronger drug to induce a period if I'd been in a better head space as apparently the drug really messes with your head. She suggested having a face to face consult with my gyno. I dunno, I feel as though I have given up on him. He has already said within a phone-call that he'll have to write to a colleague in Christchurch about my predictament himself if my FSH levels remain high. I'm just going to leave it for now. I'm not going to push for a medical answer around SIF. I have to look after me and where I'm at emotionally right now - that is the priority.