Twinges of sadness

It feels as though the whole number two baby thing has been in my face a bit this week. It's almost as though God is testing me, to see if I will crack or keep on keeping on. Well I haven't cracked but I am only human and it is still a challenge sometimes watching others playing happy (growing) families.

A close friend who had her second baby recently has shared a little around the different personalities between her off-spring. It's interesting to hear yet it's like hearing about a dream that someone else got that I didn't. I watched a MOT friend yesterday as she picked up her eldest daughter from Kindy - she reached for her little sister's hand and the two of them filed out of Kindy together. Raising two different personalities and the bond between siblings equate to the key reasons why I wanted another child.

Another MOT friend stated this week that having two children was double the trouble. I know that yet it doesn't take away the fact that there was a space in my heart that pined for another child for quite some time. The want is still there but I suppose I'm attempting to turn things around so another baby isn't a need. Life has to carry on. What else am I supposed to do? I certainly am well past sitting in a SIF slump for days on end.

Babies seem to crop up on TV a lot. One of the characters of my favourite NZ soap Shortland Street went into premature labour last night. Then this morning on High Five, an Australian children's show, one of the former band members came back with her baby. Everyone was standing around cooing at the baby - it was too much first thing in the morning.

My daughter enjoys watching a DVD we have edited of her first year of her life. She likes me to watch it with her and talk about what she's doing as a baby. I feel so blessed to have been through the baby years once yet sometimes I ponder whether this is it for me or not.

I guess for the last few weeks since my daughter left Playgroup, I have managed to avoid situations in which I've been saturated by bumps and babies. But obviously I will still be exposed to growing families whether it be in real life or on TV. I'm glad it's no longer a regular weekly occurence - it's has helped me move on. Yet there are going to be times when my former dream kicks me in the guts. But I'm not going to let it drag me down if I can help it. I say former dream because it does feel like my life is heading in another direction. It might not be permanent but for now babies and bumps are not relevant to where God seems to want me to go.