I have noticed a slight change in my demeanour since seeing the "healer lady." There are a lot of layers to work through around several issues and it's going to take time. I have been slowly moving forward over the last few months. I have done really well in the self-care department, I reckon. I've been really tuning into my needs and am ensuring they are met. My body is adjusting to going to bed earlier for instance. I used to often read til 11pm knowing full well I'd be up around five or six am the next morning. These days the lights are out by 10pm. I don't seem to need quite as long to unwind. I have my own bedtime routine going on too where I have a herbal cup of tea around 8pm - often a "bedtime" infusion.
I have started the process of facing the emotional pile-up that lay beneath SIF for many months. I knew it was there all along but found it easier to vent/grieve about another baby than face what was really going-on. So the self-honesty is there - as well as the willingness to deal with all that has surfaced on an emotional level.
I've started reading Julia Indochova's second book : The Fertile Female: How the Power of Longing For a Child Can Save Your Life and Change the World. I'm up to chapter three and have found the book to be useful so far though it is one of the books you no doubt have to read more than once as there is a bit in it. Also I often am lucky if I read half a chapter a night these days so most of the time forget where I am in books like this one. But what I have got out of it so far is that longing for something (not necessarily a child) inevitably involves a process. Every step along the way brings you closer to your child, Julia claims. I kinda believe that - or at least I believe that every step throughout this SIF journey is bringing me closer to a conclusion. Is there a baby for me at the end of all this? I find it hard to really believe that sometimes.
I do feel as though I am becoming unstuck though. I believe it's a result of a combination of working the twelve steps around SIF and doing this vibrational healing work. It's as though both my mind and body are being coaxed to let go of this block I have going on. So I'll get there but it'll take as long as it takes. There really is no rush. Julia points this out too in The Fertile Female. The whole point is to take things at your own pace - not to be dictated by professionals, esp. those that harp on about old eggs etc.
Still, I'm coming up to two years of aspiring to be a Mum for the second time. I say aspiring because I really can't say it's been two years of TTC. I so don't fit into the box of TTC every month and enduring the 2WW. Nope, when you have virtually no periods and medically you don't have the full answers for that you are kinda in no-mans land. The thing is I've got used to been here. I still don't like it much but I'm making the most of it.
I decided a couple of weeks ago to cut down my time in Dailystrength. I joined the secondary infertility community at the end of last year. I used to check in daily, then weekly, now it's monthly. I just think it's time for me to broaden my horizons outside the world of SIF. Like I say, I'm not your typical candidate - my journey seems to more about focusing inwards than waiting around for cervical mucus. I do treasure the friends I have made in Dailystrength and will keep the contact going yet I think I need to put as much time and energy into my own healing right now. Somehow this all ties together - letting go of the need to talk to others all the time about how much SIF sucks. I'm trying to move past that place and just focus on nurturing me.
I'm making baby steps around the self-nurturing. My daughter is fascinated with her baby years so the other day I changed around some of the photo frames in our house so that they contain baby photos. Admittedly this is mainly because we only have hard copy photos of her baby days. We have hundreds of photos of her aged one plus, but they are all on the computer at this stage. Anyway it has been therapeutic in a way having photos of her around the house as a baby. A reminder that there was a baby here once and you never know - a baby could reside here again.
No comments:
Post a Comment