Making the most of what I've got

I feel like I'm in a very good phase with it all. All the time and energy that used to go into SIF, is now going into me. It does feel like a time of refueling my mind, body, and soul. I am actually enjoying myself. I am finding me again and this means doors are starting to open in other areas of my life.

It's hard to explain but I guess I had a TTC time-frame in my mind. Another baby never came along when "it was meant to", so I do feel as though I am moving on in a sense. I am certainly very open to another baby, but am pretty much just going to carry on with the rest of my life now. I am no longer in a holding pattern. The Provera didn't work so no AF for quite some time. I will ph my GP to see what she thinks. I'm not even worried about that. Medically, I know there is nothing they can do to help me conceive another biological child. I have reached the end of the road. Donor eggs and adoption are the options from here but I'm not interested in pursuing either of them right now.

I'm just going to continue quietly "experimenting" in the background with TTC in a holistic way. I do still believe another biological child is a possibility. The quest to have another child is not imposing on the rest of my life like it did for so long. I actually feel like I have a life again.

As I make the most of what I have, I am able to move forward. This is a small miracle for me as I have felt like I've been at a standstill for so long. I feel the need to express my inner artist so will look at night-school art classes next term. I like to cartoon and have always wanted to have a go at painting cartoons on canvass in colour. Normally I just use ink. I feel there could be an opportunity for me to combine my graphic design background with art somehow. I have fantasised how I'd like to have a stall at the local market selling artwork so I guess I better start painting if I want to make that dream a reality! I'm also going to look into writing courses again.

I just think this next chapter in my life should be about doing what I really want to in life. SIF squashed me for quite some time. I may or may not become a mother again. But for now I'm not going to stand around wondering if it'll happen or not. I'm going to get out there and put some dreams into practice. A belated 40th present that arrived yesterday in the mail for me sums it up: four letters on a plaque spelling LIVE. I really like that. That is totally where I'm at.