This "anniversary" of two years of TTC has brought up a lot of stuff for me. I really am not sure which way I should or even want to go with things. I could follow the medical route and just accept that another child is basically an impossibility at this stage and call it a bad day (or bad year or two - ha, ha). Or I could keep hoping, somewhat blindly/desperately that by focusing on my mind-body stuff I could possibly push through all this and still become a Mum.
I believe in Gods Will and all that. That's how our daughter was conceived. My husband and I basically said if it was meant to be, it would happen. And it did - very easily. Four plus years ago when TTC for our first child I was in a much better place. We had been married for just five months and I got a BFP pretty much just like that. I was so serene and peaceful back then. I really trusted God. That is where I am aiming to get to again. Life was simple back then. I had a job in town and used to go for daily walks at lunchtime by the river. We'd just tied the knot and it was like a fresh start. I was positive and optimistic.
In comparison, just four years on I feel the complete opposite. I have to work so hard for peace and serenity these days. Sure sometimes it is there but this underlying pain and hurt I carry around often overrides it. I feel so worn-out and negative and pessimistic most of the time. I have lost my Lynda spark.
Trying to ascertain some kind of control around TTC does my head in. Maybe I am completely powerless afterall. Attempting to find my power within my infertility woes has caused me a lot of grief. I feel relief and excited at first that this new procedure/method might just lead to another child and then it doesn't work and I feel defeated all over again. I have tried so many things and feel like I am losing my mind as I cling desperately to different methods. Now I'm going to a vibrational healer - have I really lost my mind?! I get where Julia Indichova is coming from in The Fertile Female around finding our own way around TTC. But what if some of us aren't meant to have that child? There is a voice within that is hinting that that could be the case with me.
I have made a decision around my mood swings - I am going to (finally) get some professional help around them. I have been trying so hard on my own to shift my moods but to no avail. Sure the exercise helps, blogging helps but it seems the depression I have from time to time is too deep for me to work through on my own. I actually did a couple of questionnaries on the Net and I may even have clinical depression. Apparently it's not at all unusual for infertile women to end up like I have - particularly when there's been a biological issue. I have been waiting for a final diagnosis around my infertility before sorting things out but I think I have to just act with what I know at this point. It is not fair on my family to continue living like this and I sure am way over it.
I guess where I'm at is I have recognised that my emotional make-up at this point in time is unmanageable. I have some good days and I think yes! I've cracked this - the SIF blues are over, I'm ok! Then inevitably a few days later I wind up feeling like complete shit all over again. Sigh. So I will be phoning my Dr later on this morning to make an appointment asap.
I had a good weekend despite some intense emotional pain. Saturday we had a family outing to a fair at a country school. It was a lovely sunny day and our daughter had a ball going for a pony ride, having her face painted etc. Yesterday I worked at my job and made the most sales I ever had when I worked there. I was busy and geniunely enjoyed mixing with the customers that came in. They've asked me to work Saturday next weekend as a one-off - as well as the Sunday. It will be good for me I think to work a couple of days in a row. Obviously I wouldn't want to do that every weekend as it means we'll have no family time - but I have the following Sunday off to make up for it.
A MOTH-to-be came in to work yesterday that I know from Playgroup. She is five weeks away from having her third child. A wave of envy swept through me as soon as I saw her come in. I guess I am still operating in a why-not-me-God? mode. There were lots of bumps at the fair on Saturday and I found that really hard. When my daughter was waiting to have her face painted a woman commented All good things come to those who wait. I don't think that rings true for some infertiles unfortunately. Some of us are going to end up with an empty womb and a broken heart at the end of it all, no matter how long we wait and how hard we try.
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