Two years of TTC

We started TTC our second baby when my daughter was eighteen months old. She's three and a half years today so that means it's now been two years of TTC. Two years?! I know there are loads of women out there who have been TTC for more than two years and that in the grand scheme of things, it isn't a big time frame. Yet it feels like it's been too long. I have operated from this place of uncertainty and despair for many months. It feels like this is what my life has become - dealing with the ongoing issues of living with SIF and its feels old.

I have tried to move forward. Yet it is like being stretched out on a rubber band - I can only go so far then I get pinged back to where I started. I like to think I am getting stronger as time goes on; but I'm not so sure that is true. Most of the time I feel exhausted and in desperate need of something else to think of.

In the last two years I've tried to continue with life outside of SIF to the best of my ability. Last year I completed a Certificate in Small Business Management while freelancing (graphic design) a little on the side. This year I joined the gym and started working on Sunday's selling ceramics/helping out in a cafe. However the bottom-line is: SIF has dragged me down so that my life has become incredibly small. I try to make the most of this quiet period in my life and to see this as an opportunity to grow spirtually and emotionally. I am getting to know me all over again during an incredibly vulnerable time. One day I will look back at my experience with SIF and perhaps even be grateful for the unexpected gifts that were gained. (I'm not there yet!)

At the same time my daughter of course has grown. She was only eighteen months when we set out on a quest which we hoped would bring her a little brother or sister. She was a toddler and still so very small. Now she's three and a half, a Kindy girl and growing up so very fast. The baby days seems like they were a million years ago in this household. Unfortunately the mood swings that have come along with SIF/my hormonal imbalance mean I have not always been present for my daughter. I hate this. Although I have tried so very hard to be the best Mum that I can during all of this; I know my poor little girl has been affected. She has been dragged around to appointments and blood tests. SIF has robbed me of time with my daughter. As an aside, she was diagnosed with ASD (autism spectrum disorder) recently. I continue to pray for the strength to give her all she needs and deserves.

I have turned to all sorts of health professionals for help around TTC. After my chemical pregnancy in Dec '06; it became obvious that there was something wrong with my cycles. However Drs, a herbalist, an acupuncuturist, a gyno, and a masseuse were unable to change the fact that my cycles were stretching further apart and ovulation was starting to cease and in the end; it did totally. I had a laprotomy in May to remove two cysts. Unfortunately this didn't improve my fertility as my gyno had predicted it would.

In July through blood tests I received a half-diagnosis of ovarian failure/premature menopause with a FSH of 86. My Dr wanted to try another round of bloods before confirming the diagnosis yet the last two rounds of Provera have failed to bring on a period. I will be phoning her next week to see what the next step is.

To me it is obvious that I am in menopause. I have all the symptoms and they are not a joy to live with: night sweats, hot flashes, mood swings, painful sex, depression and sore breasts from time to time. It was predicted by the obstetrician who delivered my daughter that premature menopause could be my fate since I lost my left ovary in the same operation. Every health professional has argued along the way that one ovary shouldn't necessarily equate to infertility and that I was too young to be in menopause yet it seems this is probably what has happened in my case.

Yet I have been seeing a vibrational healer for the last month or so in the hope that she can help me. Something has shifted - she has assisted in revealing some of the deep emotional baggage that lies within SIF. I want another child with all my heart yet there is some stuff there that appears to be blocking the way. I have to sift through it all and will do so, regardless of whether or not another baby comes along.

I was thirty-eight years old when we started TTC for the second time - now I'm forty years old. Although I had the best celebrations around turning forty; I feel as though life isn't going to truly begin again for me until I get through all this emotional crap that SIF has unearthed.

There have to be some positives right, going through such a testing time for two years? Well I am grateful for the women I have met on Dailystrength and for my fellow SIF bloggers out there. It has meant the world to me to know that I am not alone in all this. I have had a place to vent within my own blog but also within Dailystrength when I've really needed to connect with those also going through SIF.

For many months I was consumed by jealousy around bumps and mothers of two (MOTs). Yet eventually I realised that focusing on my envy (even though it was totally understandable) was not helping me. I still have twinges of pain when I see MOTs yet I have altered my week so I am no longer exposed to them so often. This has helped. Now my daughter is at Kindy I stopped taking her to Playgroup and Music, the local bump and MOT infested waters which I found very difficult to go to.

Now my daughter is at Kindy I have three afternoon sessions a week to myself to do as I please. (3 x two hour time-slots). I am making the most of this time - going to cafes and reading trashy mags, going to town for childless trips or just coming home and enjoying some time to myself. Yet although this means my life has slowly moved forward it still feels as though I haven't achieved much at all in the last two years. As my peers get to care for their growing families; I feel as though I am still pretty much nursing a broken-heart.

I have started working the twelve steps around SIF. This combined with the vibrational healing seems to finally be budging the feeling of being stuck I've had for so long.

I'm in my third year of TTC yet certainly don't feel like some kind of IF expert. If anything I am in no-mans land (still) since I no longer have proper cycles. Although I've had three rounds of Clomid, and four rounds of Provera; I haven't moved beyond the basic fertility drugs as they are not applicable to my situation. I feel the medical world hasn't yet caught up with the fact I probably am in menopause. I don't want to be but it really needs to be sorted out - living with a hormonal imbalance impacts on my whole life.

According to the vibrational "healer lady"; the imbalance of my emotions could be causing the imbalance of my hormones. I am still not convinced by that theory but will keep on keeping on. I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's still a little way off; but one day I will get my life back again.