I have reached a point within my SIF journey where I am at very clear cross-roads. The old me is adamant that God's Will is God's Will - that I cannot change what is presented before me in life. If God doesn't agree with any of my desires in life; then it's a case of c'est la vive.
I am now over halfway through reading The Fertile female by Julia Indichova (author of Inconceivable). A paragraph I read last night says it all: "At any given point throughout this journey, two birds might sing in your head. The bird of doubt sings the song of blame and misfortune and self-flagellation. The bird of fath says, "More shall be revealed." You'll have to decide which of those two birds you choose to feed." (p.146, The Fertile Female by Julia Indichova)
That's where I'm at! I really am not sure which bird am I going to feed around this. I cannot answer that today and am going to just allow myself to find my way with this. I am moving towards working it out. Some very big stuff is moving within. I've been working the twelve steps around SIF and have had many light-bulb moments of late. What is really huge is admitting that when life doesn't go my way and results in some kind of devastation/loss I use this as an opportunity to confirm in my head that I am not worthy of good/great things. I have been thinking about some of the depressive episodes I've had in my life over the years. They were basically all reactions to rather large disappointments.
In my twenties for instance I had a habit of picking womanisers to date. Not just one, not just two but three of the guys I dated as a twenty-something cheated on me. Infidelity is the most humilating form of betrayal I have ever experienced. Each time I was brought to my knees - the wind sucked out of my being. However the third time it happened I did look within and changed my internal world around what kind of a partner I deserved. As a consequence I married my husband who I trust with all my heart.
Perhaps SIF represents an opportunity for me to re-wire my brain once again. To affirm to myself that I do deserve the very best in life - to reach for the stars and all that. However I choose to look at all this, I am moving somewhere with it all. I am excited about this as I can feel it. My insides are shifting around and I am going to come of this, eventually, a much stronger person. It's going to be an act of humility for me today going to my Dr and admitting I've been suffering from severe mood swings. But it's time to seek help for those. I am open to her suggestions.
Yesterday was a very hard day for me but I'm feeling a lot better today. I've decided I need Dailystrength and will check in whenever I need to. I also need to go to the gym as much as I need to/want to. I thought for a couple of weeks I was managing - that I could do this on my own. I was restricting my time in Dailystrength and cutting down on gym work-outs. All because I thought it was taking away from family time.
Yet wherever I am within my SIF wars; I will always need people. It really has helped reading other people's journals over the last few days in Dailystrength and hearing about their own processes. Going to the gym just feels so good for me and I enjoy it. It makes me feel like I am moving somewhere - even if it is just on the bike as I do a spinning class! So I'm just going to go as much as I want to for now.
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