You wouldn't have that though, would you?

I went to the Dr this afternoon to check out my sore throat/ears and my toe - as it's a bit "wobbly" and it's been two weeks since I hurt it.

I had a different Dr (as mine only works mornings) and she reckoned my sore throat and ears have nothing to do with Provera. However on a google search I found many women who'd had those side effects. Essentially it's a virus which the Dr agreed with. I have fluid in one ear and my glands are up. I said to my husband it makes sense to me that my glands could be playing up given all the synthetic hormones racing around in my body right now. The trouble is my gyno doesn't take direct calls, and the surgery isn't open much during the week so I thought it was best going via my GP. Anyway, I've been cleared for flying and that was my main concern.

I'm going in to get an x-ray on my toe first thing in the morning as the Dr thought it was a bit of a concern that there isn't much movement there. It just sits there kind of limp-like. I joked to my husband tonight that I got an appointment at radiology within 24 hours for my toe whereas I had to wait several weeks for an ultrasound scan for my cyst!

Today has been a bit of a tough day as far as Mum-of-twos (MOTs) goes. A Mum from Playgroup had obviously had her second child as her bump had disappeared. I braced myself for delivering the niceties, even though a part of me didn't want to go there. But I had to acknowledge her addition at some point, I just didn't particularly want to do it today.

I took my daughter to the park and beach before the Dr's today. She was absolutely fascinated by a crawling baby. And as rough as she can be, she did stand rather protectively next to this little baby boy and another little baby girl as they scrambled around the playground. As much as I try to tell myself she'll be fine if she ends up being an only child, I do feel she will be cheated in so many ways.

At the Dr's I saw a former Mum from Playgroup with her two children (three and around eighteen months) in the waiting room. We had a wee chat about Kindy, the dropping of naps and keeping three year olds entertained. She told me her two were starting to play really well together, for twenty minutes at a time. Then she looked at me and said You wouldn't have that though, would you? somewhat sympathetically. She doesn't know my predicament so I guess it was just an obvious comment. Thanks for the reminder, I thought to myself.

I have felt the Green-eyed Monster today (in case you hadn't guessed!). Have my happy pills worn off?! I am angry today - it just seems like such a normal thing for a woman to do - to fall pregnant and have a baby. It shouldn't be so complicated. I had a wee weep over the dishes tonight and realised a lot of my fear is coming up around the Clomid. I feel a lot is impinging on it, and it might not work...

Meanwhile the Provera seems to have started things moving a bit as I have had a wee bit of spotting. I feel a bit obsessive checking to see what's transpiring quite frequently, but I am after all waiting for my long lost Aunt - you know the one; Aunt Flo.

Last day on Provera

Well I took my last Provera pill about an hour ago. So now it's a case of waiting for a bleed. How wierd, I haven't had a proper period in over six months. I've almost forgotten what it feels like to have a period!

Today on our weekly shop I bought tampons and pads which made me giggle inwardly as since I last bought tampons, the brand I use has changed it's packaging. My husband did comment recently that I ought to have my "womanly supplies on hand" as we laughed that the flood-gates may just open! I've searched on the Net a bit about Provera and bleeding. Apparently I could bleed anywhere between three days and two weeks from today. The bleed varies from woman to woman but I'm kind of preparing myself for a heavier bleed as my poor body probably needs a good clean out.

So I'm on stand-by with the Clomid!

It will be interesting to see if my mood swings return now the Provera is finished with. I have felt really settled within myself this last week or so. I've had a sore throat/ears which I've also googled which sounds like a side effect. I've been trying to get hold of my Dr as I'll be flying on Sunday and just wanted to make sure I'll be okay.

Today at the supermarket I saw a Mum who used to go to Playgroup with a baby. I hadn't seen her for a while so was taken by surprise. Her eldest is in afternoon Kindy and she said she was struggling with giving her preschooler enough attention. I felt for her and thought if we do have another one, my daughter will be well and truly settled into morning Kindy by then. I do have some hope that the Clomid might work for us. It will be an interesting biological experiment at the very least.

Friend no.2 who has been dealing with primary infertility for around two years texted me last night to say her 2nd round of IVF failed. I feel so sad for her. And even though I'm also going through IF, I feel powerless around her pain as I know there is nothing I can do.

Any chance you could be pregnant?

Today my husband and I took our daughter in for an appointment at the Orthopaedic department at Nelson hospital for her thumb which has been bent permanently for months, not unlike trigger finger. It is not known why. She will be having a small operation to correct it within the next six weeks if all goes to plan.

The radiologist asked me Any chance you could be pregnant? at Nelson hospital this afternoon as I held my daughter's hand in place for a thumb x-ray, clad in a lead apron. No, I said as I shook my head. Of course they have to ask - especially since I was there with my preschooler. It wouldn't be unlikely now would it.

I had a flashback up at the hospital today. It is hard to not be reminded of my daughter's birth since she was born in the one and only hospital in Nelson. I remembered our antenatal class and how we visited the hospital one hot Summers night and saw the delivery rooms with the courtyards. I said to my husband today I had visualised walking around in one of the courtyards during labour, as well as using a swiss ball and a bath. However, I had an emergency c-section so my plans fell to the wayside. It was good to be reminded of this today as in the end it all turned out fine even though my daughter's delivery was very different to what I'd hoped and imagined.

Today I don't feel bitter about the whole TTC/IF ordeal. The heaviness around it all seems to have gone. I do still have the pangs of longing though. At Playgroup today my daughter's friend had her arm around her six month old sister in a tender moment. That makes my heart melt. I don't want to hear too much about others pregnancies and babies yet at the same time I'm okay hearing small tidbits of information. Hopefully this means I'm beginning to make some peace with my situation. Even when my daughter talked about a "little wister" (probably in reference to her friend's little sister) this afternoon my heart didn't break quite as much as it might have. Instead, I thought how cute, she's starting to notice babies.

My perspective is changing

I have been thinking the last couple of days or so that this period of my life called secondary infertility is not going to last forever. I've always known this but I feel on a deep level I am starting to see the wood for the trees as such. Whether it's the Provera leveling out my moods, adrendlin highs from the gym or just a place I've naturally moved too as I continue to process things, I don't know. It feels like something is shifting. This chapter of my life might be a loooong one in many ways yet in the grand scheme of things, it is just a few years out of my life.

Day Four on Provera

I have felt really good the last few days! Is this a side effect of Provera?, I wondered tonight? My mood swings seem to have stablised. I just did a quick search on the Net and found this . Interesting, I didn't realise Provera was used for hormone replacement therapy. (HRT). I just said to my husband I can understand the addiction to pills some women get with HRT as seriously, when you've had the mood swings I've had for so long, it is so nice to feel "normal". Goes to show I must be hormonally imbalanced so I guess I could investigate a way of sorting this out naturally later on down the track.

Day two on Provera

So far so good in regards to the Provera. I've had minor spotting the last couple of days but figure that is just my "cycle". My stomach is bloated but I've had that off and on over the last few months. It looks like water retention/PMS/early pregnancy and is quite uncomfortable. I can't wear tight pants at this point in time!

I have to be careful that I don't blame the drugs for my mood swings. Yesterday I felt pretty good but today I've been quite up and down. Mainly because I'm tired. I've had a very busy couple of weeks with a new job/a freelance job on the side/starting counseling and just parenting in general. I just want to blob in front of the tele tonight with my hubby. I feel we've hardly seen each other while I've been busy getting my shit together.

I went to the Dr this a.m as I hurt my toe badly just over a week ago - I accidentally slammed it into my daughter's highchair. It was very painful and has been sore ever since. Turns out I have "sausage digit" (!) - I have torn some muscles at the bottom of my toe and it'll take around four weeks to heal. I've not been walking so much over the past week and have restricted my gym work-outs to the bike and weights. However my Dr reckoned I could go for it with the classes - will obviously have to pace myself. Exercising means I'll delay the healing of my toe by a week or two but she seemed to think I was fine carrying on as normal which is good as I have been missing my gym classes.

My Dr asked where I was at fertility-wise so it was good to go in today just to touch base with her. She also asked indirectly why I'd changed Dr's and also what my expectations were from her. So it feels good to have established what my needs are with her early in our Dr-patient relationship.

This week has gone really well with my daughter. It seems to be working taking her out of her activities early, watching her like a hawk and using the sticker chart system for reinforcing her positive behaviour. i.e "playing nice" with other kids. The teacher at Playgroup said this week we have to go through our GP if we want to get a referral to Child Development Services. Now we have some strategies that are working for us, it doesn't seem so crucial that we get her checked out at this point. Will sit on that one for a bit.

At the same time I have been giving my daughter independence where appropriate. Yesterday we went into town without the buggy and did an errand before going to the icecream palour together. She was proud of herself walking around town amongst all the foot traffic. And today she walked back from the park by herself for the first time.

There were a few baby/bump triggers at Music today. A Mum-of-two friend told me about a friend of hers going through secondary infertility. It was wierd in a sense - is in I wasn't sure if it was for my benefit or if she was just sharing she knew someone in the same boat. I was thinking you've shared this because...? There were three siblings (all girls) standing in a row with their varying heights like peas in a pod in Music class today. They have a wee baby sister on the way. And then my daughter "chased" around a crawling baby. She had a lot of fun, giggling and following the baby back and forth. That pulls at my heart-strings every time. Also another Mum of One said in passing to someone else "I have a cold and I'm pregnant" implying she felt like shit. She's just 11 weeks apparently and certainly didn't look it. She's lovely and I could empathise and can't expect people to censor their conversations just because I'm around and anyway, the majority of people out there don't know my predictment. It is just so in my face in that environment that I have missed the boat for some unexplained biological reason with having a second baby. I may catch another boat eventually, much later than planned, but mainly I feel as though I have been left behind with not even a life-jacket.

However today I feel as though I've stepped outside this secondary infertility deal a little. I've been thinking of a couple of random things such as all the travel I did as a twenty-something. In particular I was thinking about listening to live music in New Orleans many years ago. It was just so amazing to experience that. I guess I'm getting a sense of although it feels like forever that we've been TTC; I've had a life outside of this period of time and will do again. My counselor did suggest I go for a walk to a top of a hill and take in the view as a way of getting some perspective with my life.

I do feel better having a plan with the Clomid for three months. All I can do is hand it over to the God of my understanding. I think I'm able to do it because it is for a short period of time. I won't worry about what comes next til I get there. And you just never know. There is an op-shop where Music is held and this morning I caught some babies clothes out of the corner of my eye and thought "It could happen."and actually believed it for a second.

Let The Games Begin!

I took my first Provera pill this morning....so I have officially started the ball rolling with the fertility drugs. I'm day 31 on my cycle (though that's debatable since it was more spotting than a bleed last cycle). I worked out some upcoming dates around my daughter and I going to Wellington in just over a week for a week and then my husbands brother and family are coming down around Easter for a week to stay with us (which means my husband, daughter and I being in the same room for a week since we have a two-bedroomed house). Basically if I didn't start the Provera today I would have to delay taking it as I'd end up ovulating when we had guests here and well that just wouldn't work...

Last night I met a Mum-of-two-to-be (MOT-to-be) for a coffee after the gym. She suggested meeting up as we have talked briefly in the past around TTC with both herbal and medical help. She conceived her first child (my daughter's age) after around four years. (possibly more, actually). In the end it was her third round of Clomid that worked. She conceived her second child naturally.

I wondered how I might feel having a chat with a Mum who was very heavily pregnant (37 weeks) with her 2nd child yet it was fine. It was good. I was in a good space - had just been to the gym and it is always comforting to talk to women who have used Clomid and in particular have done so here in Nelson so have used the same Drs.

So in many ways it was a case of do or die with the fertility drugs for me. Clearly conceiving a child naturally is impossible at this stage due to my absent periods for over six months. It will be interesting to see if I actually do get the fake period Provera is meant to bring in about a weeks time so I can start the Clomid.

1st counseling appointment

I had my first counseling session tonight. It went well, as in I feel better for it. I have a lovely counselor who I felt "heard" me. My next appointment isn't for another month as the once-a-week evening slot is pretty popular. But perhaps that's all I need at this point.

I'm pretty exhausted after a pretty decent cry in my counseling session plus it's been a busy day.

My daughter did well at Playgroup today. We stayed for under an hour and a half and she played really well. I was right beside her the whole time and we left around the time things start to get a bit crazy at Playgroup. I started the sticker chart system yesterday - she basically gets a sticker every time she "plays nice" which she did on both her playdate and at playgroup today. I was very proud of her. The teachers commented I was doing well with her. I feel as though I have tuned into her needs again. I had become a little lax at reading her signals, thinking she had perhaps more stamina that she does. She has always been a sensitive girl who gets over-stimulated easily and it was good to be reminded of that recently.

Her Kindy phoned today to check in and make sure we still want her to go when there's a spot available. Sounds like she'll get in a little bit past her third birthday at this point. I think we need a few months to help her with her social skills before Kindy so things will probably fall into place there.

I feel I've gone a step backwards parenting-wise in a way as my daughter and I are back to where she was months ago. But it has been good to be reminded of my parental responsibilities - particularly guiding and teaching her right from wrong.

I may not have a babe in the wings but I have a little girl here who needs me very much.

The Green-Eyed Monster

A part of the territory of being an "infertile" is fighting off frequent feelings of envy around pregnant women, and Mums of bubs. I can only speak from the perspective of a Secondary Infertile (SI) who has the strange dynamic of feeling connected to Mums-of-two (MOT) in one respect yet feeling worlds apart at the same time. On the one hand we are all parents who have been through a lot together as a collective. Yet the SI is cursed with an unfulfilled maternal ache which is very hard for the MOT to identity with.

For many MOTs life has seemingly continued as it was meant to. They created the family nest and are quietly breeding, concentrating on their expanding families. For the SI, while the family nest has been started there is an obvious gaping hole in the nest where the next addition was meant to go. We try to carry on with life as if this gaping hole isn't in our faces every day, yet we are typically reminded on a daily basis that our nest is incomplete.

By the time most of us have been classed as a SI, we are grasping at straws that through some miracle (usually of the medical kind), our nest will one day be filled. There is a big part of us that is grieving in the background as we try to find a place to sit between reality and hope. We know it's a slight possibility that another baby may come along yet since we have been through so much disappointment and heartache already, we often don't want to risk complete emotional vulnerability by surrendering our baby dreams one hundred per cent.

In the meantime bumps and newborns are part of our world as we mix with Mums - and lots of MOTs in particular. Us SIs are somehow lost in space as the MOTs move forward, often having completed their families. It is a challenge to keep the green-eyed monster at bay for the average SI. The MOT is in the difficult position of often not knowing how to talk to a SI. Certain topics are off-limit - almost anything to do with pregnancy and babies. Even the most insensitive MOT knows this. Occasionally the SI, when in a good space, may bravely ask a question about pregnancy or babies only to wish she hadn't once the answer is given. It is a tricky business for even the most well-meaning MOT and one that involves walking on numerous eggshells.

Personally the MOTs who've had trouble conceiving at some point are the ones I can identify with - simply because they've been through the infertility deal. I don't like harbouring my green-eyed monster towards the MOTs out there, but I suspect it'll be a part of me for some time.

My new job

I got the job at the pottery/ceramics gallery and cafe as a "gallery assistant". I'm basically going to work three Sundays of every month which suits us well family-wise. Today I worked 10am - 4.30pm and it was a long day in some respects and in other ways not so long. Although I have a bit to learn about pottery/ceramics in general, I don't think it'll be an overly stressful job which suits where I'm at right now.

I've been frequenting the cafe for over a year now so it was wierd to take a step back today and think "Wow- I'm working here!" It was never planned yet it all fell into place; me working there. It was definitely meant to be. I do believe when things "flow" in life, that I am in sync with the God of my understanding. Which makes me think that my secondary infertility deal is all part of Gods plan too. As in the part where I'm not meant to be pregnant right now. Or even in the near future, it would seem, given that I've just got a job and joined a gym and made the kind of commitments a non-pregnant woman would make.

For whatever reasons; I'm meant to be exactly where I'm at around my fertility right now. I really felt this quite strongly today when I overheard a customer discussing her pregnancy while I dusted the pottery! I am quite skeptical about the Provera and Clomid. But at the same time think that this is all Gods will too, that I continue TTC for now. I'm on Day 27 of my cycle so will wait once again to see if I get a decent bleed - if not, let the games begin.

I've certainly felt busy over the past week or two with my new job as well as a bit of freelance graphic design work I have on the go right now. It's been good having some positive things to to focus on.

Last night my Mum and I went to Opera In The Park with our own (as in born-in-New-Zealand) Dame Kiri Te Kanawa. It was amazing. We were in the picnic area and brought some mini-bottles of champagne and wine and nibbles to eat while listening to some world-class acts.

I have been making a real effort to get out there and do things. Despite my mood swings, I do still have a sense of fun. However a couple of family members have indirectly commented about how low I've been lately. That's the thing, when you are struggling you don't want to seem like you are struggling but when you are an open book like myself; it is impossible to hide how you really feel.

I just want to be real but at the same time, happy! I think I'm getting there.

My husband and I have talked a bit about the dramas of last week with our daughter. He thinks a mountain has been made out of a mole-hill a little. I agree in part and we've only disclosed where things are at with our daughter on this blog and with a couple of parents that have frequent interaction with our daughter. We've decided to limit her time around other children but not to change the frequency of her social interactions. She has had ongoing sleep issues since forever and no doubt is overtired many times during the week. She certainly gets overexcited at times and that's when the trouble often starts. We're going to give the sticker charts a go too.

I do think the teacher at Playgroup judged the situation in the only way she could - in that particular context. And although we're open to whatever help comes from here, we don't think our daughter's behaviour of late needs to be blown out of proportion.

Saturday morning I took my daughter to a cafe in town after feeding the ducks and observed two brothers having several squabbles in the kids corner. They were exhibiting many of the behaviours our daughter has been between the two of them yet, sibling rivalry is deemed normal. She has to learn how to act somewhere, somehow. So in lots of ways I think she's right where she should be developmentally.

(Why don't you just) have another one!

Playgroup was a challenge again today. However, I'm really trying hard to pull my daughter up on any inappropriate behaviour and to do the old positive reinforcement with her good behaviour. Also we're going to Playgroup first thing in the morning - at 9am and today left at 10.30am when it's typically at it's busiest. The main "teacher" at Playgroup offered a lot of support today and gently suggested considering the help of Child Development Services. (CDS). She commented that I was one of the more on-to-it parents there (but not meant as a put-down towards other parents) and that's why she could see I was obviously struggling right now. Although I trust her experience, perspective and insight, the idea brought me to tears for a number of reasons.

Firstly, no parent wants to hear that there may be something "wrong" with their child, secondly her kindness and concern moved me and finally, I could not help but wonder if it's somehow my fault. Have I missed some vital developmental/emotional clues that things aren't "right" because of my secondary infertility ordeal? Or is it because of my secondary infertility struggle, that my daughter is "acting out"?

My husband and I have decided to keep an open mind and will see where things go from here. The teacher at Playgroup phoned CDS today on my behalf plus the woman will be coming into Playgroup in the next few weeks. We've known all along that our daughter has come under the "high needs" umbrella and although intelligent, she has always been a little behind in her development socially.

I have a degree in Psychology and Education (Hons), have worked with children with emotional and behavioural problems, and was a nanny for a boy with Asperger Syndrome. I guess all along I've accepted my daughter for who she is and where she's at but the older she gets, the more obvious it is that she may be "developmentally delayed" (what a dreadful term). Perhaps we've been in denial around this. Not sure. Yet I do appreciate when it's your own child, it is so very hard to be objective.

The teacher at Playgroup suggested "shadowing" our daughter when around other kids which is what we've been doing. It is extremely exhausting anticipating her every move ie: intervening when it looks as though she's about to push another kid over. I've been thinking of introducing sticker charts and she suggested that also.

One of the Mums at Playgroup today (a Mum of one), commented in passing, obviously after observing what was going on:
"Are you having problems with her?"
"Yes, big problems" I said
"Have another one!" she half-joked to which I replied
"That's half the problem - we can't right now."

I had to run off after my daughter so never caught her reaction. She's a lovely Mum; I didn't mean to be a bit prickly but that just says it all doesn't it - it has been implied a lot lately that my daughter's difficulties could be lessened with another sibling. I guess it just both hurts and annoys me that this is being pointed out.

My consolation prize

I've realised lately that I tend to think there should be some kind of consolation prize with secondary infertility. I guess I've been desperately searching for the silver lining in the big black cloud known as infertility (IF).

I thought joining the gym was one of my consolation prizes. However I have seen a few Mums, and particularly Mums-of-two or more, at the gym as well. Good on them - they probably need the time-outs more than I do. But I couldn't help but think How dare they have it all! the first couple of times I spied Mums-of-two at the gym.

Any Mum can enter the work-force at any stage of motherhood - that is a woman's preogative. I thought perhaps I was escaping the hum-drum of suburbia with my upcoming weekend job. However I know many Mums working all sorts of hours - many with two children.

I saw a Mum from our antenatal class this morning after my daughter's swimming lesson. She was there with her second child who is now eighteen months for a lesson while her husband took their daughter (obviously my daughter's age) to gymnastics. She is an athletic woman who reentered the work-force when her first child was quite young. She never gave up sport or work for motherhood.

We are very different women in the respect that I'm only reaching that stage now of making more time for me. Although I've always given myself some me time, it has been on quite a small scale. I was/am one of those Mums who sacrificed a lot for motherhood, because I wanted to. That was how I approached motherhood knowing that when my daughter started Kindy, time for me would start freeing up like it is now.

However should I fall pregnant again I do wonder if I might approach motherhood differently the second time round. I'm not sure I'd want to give up the gym for instance as I'm enjoying it so much. I won't know how I'll feel unless it happens, of course.

But had I gotten pregnant easily, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have joined the gym, signed up for counseling, started going to church more regularly, or looked for a weekend job. So even though any Mum at any time could do any of these things it's of course about me, and not other Mums. I have being given time to focus on me for a bit. That is my consolation prize.

One is hard enough work!

Today at Playgroup I ended up watching my daughter and her friend from down the street while my neighbour was busy attending to her five month old. It was exhausting running around after two almost-three year olds who were full of energy and quite aggressive in their play. Of course I was also on close watch with my daughter who is still being rather feisty towards other kids. I managed to catch her before she struck on several occasions but also had to put her on some time-outs (which aren't so effective in that environment) when she did push a few of her peers over. We did leave when a major pushing frenzy was on the cards.

My daughter left Playgroup wiped and went down for a nap as soon as we got home. I also left Playgroup wiped and went for a bit of a lie down myself! It was hard work and my neighbour commented that she was relieved I was there to help with her daughter as she didn't know how she'd cope with her two alone.

My daughter's other little friend came round for an afternoon playdate and they had a ball. It went surprisingly well (given all the behavioural dramas of late). Although it ended in tears it was my daughter's friend who was the one who lashed out this time round.

People are forever offering advice about parenthood - wanted or not. Yet many people say it gets easier. Does it? Perhaps that depends on your child and your own parenting style as although aspects of parenting have gotten easier as my daughter has grown; the preschool years are proving to be quite the challenge. I do occasionally wonder how I would have managed had our baby made it, as we would have a five month old now. So many Mums of two and more manage - because they have to. But even though I've nannied and looked after four children there is a huge difference when they are your own.

I do believe God only gives us what we can handle and I'm not so sure I would have handled two youngsters close in age given my daughter's determination and "high needs." Sometimes I just have to trust that God knows what he's doing.

She'd be such a great big sister

Today on my daughter's weekly playdate with our neighbours she was her usual rough-as-guts self with her friend, even though she clearly adores her. Yet at the same time I witnessed one of the most nurturing acts I've ever seen her do.

Now my daughter has never really been one for dolls. While her peers can't seem to get enough of the dolls we have here, our daughter pretty much ignores them. On a recent family holiday Barbie was on sale in a supermarket and I asked her if she'd like one. The clear response was "Barbie back!!"

These days I get requests to draw our whole family and then I am asked to draw her friend's Mum, her friend and the baby. Today in a tender moment my daughter picked up a baby blanket and gently wrapped it around the five-month old baby. It broke my heart as it did my neighbour's who broke the silence by saying "She'd be such a great big sister."

Even though I've been trying my best to give my daughter as much attention as possible, most afternoons she asks for her little friend down the road. I believe she is moving past the era of playgroup and parallel play which explains why when her friend isn't there (as my daughter goes twice a week, her friend once a week), she mooches around, often getting frustrated with her younger peers who aren't playing with her. This is my take on things but mothers intuition tells me I'm probably right. Even though children with siblings also will miss their friends, it is painfully obvious at this time that our daughter is missing the regularity of a permanent playmate i.e: a sibling. I guess the older she gets, the more this will stand out.

I also think her recent "bullying" although natural for her age group is a consequence of not having a sibling to push around as such! She has to learn somewhere what is acceptable and what is unacceptable behaviour and she's practising this stuff big-time out there right now.

Job interview

Today I went for a job interview at a local cafe I frequent with friend no. 4 on a monthly basis. Just as I was about to meet her I thought perhaps I'd ask if they were looking for any weekend staff when lo and behold, I spied an ad for a Sunday position! I wrote the number down, called them and had a job interview this afternoon. It went pretty well and I have a trial couple of hours next Saturday. If all goes well I may start next Sunday! It certainly felt like a Higher Power thing - a wee confirmation from the universe that I'm exactly where I'm meant to be in life right now.

The job is as a "gallery assistant" and involves retail of pottery/ceramics and supervising an area where people can paint their own ceramic plates/cups etc. There's also a cafe that I would be required to help in in busy periods.

I absolutely love this cafe - hence why I've been a regular for at least the last year. It's got an "in-the-country" feel about it as it's in the midst of a huge paddock that often has ducks, a pig, and rabbits as well as a couple of swings for kids. It's off the beaten track and with the pottery on sale as well, has a very unique feel to it.

It was noted I had a daughter in the interview, but they didn't go there about any other kids. Thank goodness!!

I do feel as though a big chapter of motherhood is closing - like I am reentering the adult world.

This year will be my daughter's last year of music and playgroup and these are the two groups where bumps and newborns are pretty much part of the scenery. Once we leave these groups it will be all about Kindy, swimming lessons and any other activities I choose to enrol my daughter in. What I'm getting at is at the moment playgroup and music are where I get a lot of social interaction with other Mums. It will be a different ball-game when I simply just drop my daughter off at Kindy and take her to her classes. The bumps and bubs won't be so in my face once these groups are finished with.

Without a number two baby in the wings, it really feels like the end of an era. That's not necessarily a bad thing, either. I just feel as though I am being led in quite a different direction to those that have younger children than myself. Today it feels kind of exciting that I'm "out there" again with the gym and a new job in the wings. Whether this up-coming departure from local preschool groups will be for good remains inconclusive.

letter from gyno

30th January 2008

Dear Lynda,

Thank you for your telephone call today. I had never received a copy of the ultrasound scan, which was ordered by Dr XXXX but they have faxed me a copy today. This shows a small cyst measuring 5cm, in the left ovary. It would be unlikely that this cyst is the explanation for your infertility, but as I mentioned at your visit on 16.1.08, I felt that if you had not conceived after a three month trial with Clomiphene, then we would get a follow-up scan done. The cyst was not obvious on clinical examination but clearly if the scan shows that it is there, then we can organise a laparoscopy to deal with it. In the meantime I am happy for you to use Clomiphene as we had agreed.

Kind regards,
Yours sincerely,

XXXX XXXX

I've booked a counselor

Well I am sick and tired of the mood swings of the last few months. They are a combination of a number of things: the secondary infertility deal, having no periods for so long/a hormonal imbalance and just general change as I adjust to a new chapter of mummyhood as my daughter approaches Kindy.

Writing this blog has only illustrated how up and down I really am. So I booked a counseling session in a couple of weeks (Feb 19).The rate was negotiated to $40NZ an hour which is pretty good. Originally it was $85NZ but I said we couldn't really afford that at this point. It's on a Tuesday night at 5.15pm so I can whizz into town once my husband gets home and have my session. I was hoping to get my wee weekend job first but that hasn't happened. Clearly self-care is my main priority at this point.

I am absolutely loving the gym. I went to bodyjam tonight and had a ball. It is so much fun going to a dance class. Last night I went to bodybalance which is the Yoga/Pilates/Tai Chi class. I enjoyed that too. There are so many classes to choose from so at this point the gym is very new and exciting. It definitely was a very good thing for me to sign up for right now.

I have been thinking about my daughter and her behavioural issues of late. I will never know but I do think she has been subtly affected by my mood swings. Now that I have created space in my life for me, I feel I have more to give all over again. I don't want to wish away these last few pre-Kindy months as I won't get them back again. So today I made a real effort to play with her as much as possible at home. I cut down how much tv she watched in the morning too. And we both had a great time at music today which has just started again after the Summer recess. As of next week she's back to an organised activity every morning, so we will have the afternoons for mother and daughter time.

I find music class is where I get particularly triggered around bumps and newborns. The class is always changing, with a bump or a baby in every class. I guess after the six week break it's really in your face how many Mums have moved on with their new additions in various stages. I'm also conscious of the fact that many Mums, who know I'm a Mum of one, speak to my belly initially! One Mum did ask today how many children I had to which I replied "Just the one at this point."

I spoke to a Mum today I know from both Playgroup and Music who is pregnant with her 4th child! Her 2nd child was conceived on Clomid and she had to use Provera initially to get a fake period. It's always nice to hear real-life success stories.

Green light for Clomid & I'm not doing cartwells

I phoned my gyno surgery today and spoke to the receptionist. Apparently there is a letter from my gyno in the mail - should get it in the next few days. She read it out and basically my gyno doesn't think the cyst is an issue, even after viewing the radiologist notes, so I am to go ahead and do as instructed previously. I'm day 17 on my cycle and will wait to see if AF comes this month, and if not, will start the Provera at the end of the month, and then Clomid after that. The receptionist reckoned I hadn't informed them I'd changed Dr's and hence the mix-up. Hmmm, not sure about that.

I should be pleased with this news that I have been given the green light to start things going but the truth is there is a whole heap of stuff going on with me right now. I am going to start looking into counselors this afternoon. I feel like a mess today and realise I've been slowly addressing my physical, spiritual, and emotional needs with joining the gym, committing to church a bit more and now considering counseling. I recognised a few months ago that it was going to take a little while to sort through the crap and why I made a three month goal which includes the aforementioned.

Today at Playgroup my daughter was a menace. I've never had to leave early before but today I did as she was on a hitting and shoving rampage and wasn't about to stop. I was on morning tea too and had to abandon ship. I know she's going through a challenging phase but I just had to wonder today if my continual angst has contributed. I owe it to my wee family to be as well as possible and that's why I'm trying my best to get myself sorted out.

Today when bump-Mums were talking about their pregnancies at Playgroup I did feel a little triggered but at the same time was haunted by the thought of What if it isn't even about this? What if my unsettled state of the last few months is about something else? This was before I'd heard I'd been given the go-ahead with the Clomid.

That's why I need to get me a counselor.

I miss Aunt Flo

For those who aren't up with the fertility jargon; Aunt Flo (AF) translates to a menstrual cycle. She is referred to a lot on Dailystrength and many other sites focused on women's issues.

It is because of AF not arriving for many months that I am in this infertile mess. And I miss her. I miss my monthly cycle. Until AF stopped being regular, I had no idea just how much she grounded me every month. Without her I don't know where I'm at. I miss PMS and the hint that AF is on her way. It was always a relief to get AF and realise that yes, that is why I am one grumpy bear. She was my right to be moody and irritable. She justified my shitty behaviour.

Without AF I feel as though I am in a permanent state of PMS. Yesterday a former co-worker popped round and shared her health issues with me; lack of AF being one of them. She's not TTC yet from the outside I could tell her messed up cycles were affecting her emotionally on some level. It was a confirmation that although many of the emotional ups and downs of the last twelve months or more can be attributed to my infertile woes; they are connected to some kind of hormonal imbalance that is going on.

I feel cheated out of my womanhood somehow not having a monthly cycle. I never thought I would miss the monthly ritual of tampons and pads but the truth is I feel ripped off not having regular periods. If AF returned back to normal, I'm sure I would feel a whole lot better.

It takes a village to raise a child

A friend last night, who is a Mum of one teenager and the same age as myself, showed me a card she'd sent her then eleven-year old daughter when she was on an overseas school trip . She had drawn all the people in her daughter's life on the card in stick figure form to show her daughter how many people loved her. She said she did this to emphasise that despite being an only child, she had many family members and friends who missed her back home.

I guess I have been reassured over the last few days that our children's lives can be as rich as we choose to make them. By surrounding children with a variety of positive role models, they have the chance to learn more about life than any two parents could ever hope to teach them. Siblings bring a lot to family life but should one not enter the equation for us, then I think we will be inspired to socialise our daughter creatively, perhaps broadening her horizons in ways we may not have if she did have a sibling.

Not a spoilt-brat in the making afterall!

After a much calmer play-date with one of her peers this morning; I think our daughter doesn't quite deserve to be labeled with the spoilt-brat tag just yet (!). Her behaviour is very typical of a three year old. I guess I am just concerned that she may become self-centred (for lack of a better term), if she ends up without a sibling. However I do appreciate that having another sibling isn't going to magically transform her into a loving, caring, human-being. There are things we can do as parents to teach her to respect others and all that, regardless of whether or not she has a sister or a brother.

Like when she's a little older I thought she and I might volunteer at the SPCA and pick up a little job there such as walking dogs. I think community service is a wonderful thing to pass on to kids. Also by being exposed to church, her spiritual side has been given the opportunity to evolve. There is no pressure in our family to conform to any particular religion, so she is free to interpret God in her own way. All we want her to know is that God is out there should she choose to connect with him.

Since our extended family are spread throughout Australia and New Zealand, I have always thought she was missing out on some crucial family connections. However as time goes on it is obvious she is slowly getting to know her relatives. She has a very strong bond with the Nana she sees most which is on average, once a month.

I've also been reflecting about my own childhood and the various role models in. Every person that crosses a child's path in a significant way can make an impact - teachers, friends of parents, babysitters, coaches etc . One my very good friends who I shall call friend no. 4 is such an influence on my daughter. Although she is a generation older than me; we are kindred spirits. We drop in on her and husband almost weekly and my daughter potters around their caravan where they currently live, like she is visiting with her grandparents. Friend no. 4 has such a relaxed energy about her that it's a great place for the two of us to frequent, particularly when I am going through my own personal angst and not the relaxed mother I'd like to be.

So I've realised all is not completely lost should another sibling not arrive. We have many friends and family who will help shape our daughter. There are nine children in our extended family and no doubt if she does remain an only child, we will be inspired to make an effort to see more of them.

Afraid of raising a spoilt brat

I've just had a very challenging day of parenting with our almost three year old. Even though there were two of us at home, we were both pushed to our limits. I know it's her age and all that but quite frankly, our daughter is a handful at this stage.

We started the day off with good intentions - we strolled down to church, with our daughter singing contently in her buggy. The first ten minutes of the service were okay. She was occupied with her colouring-in book while the notices were read. Then the singing started and she decided to dance in the aisles, getting increasingly disruptive as the seconds passed. So I took her into creche where there are of course toys to amuse preschoolers. After a few minutes of scrapping with two other preschoolers over the farm animals; she fled the creche and went and sat next to her daddy in the church. So he came out with her and I went back in to hear the part of the minister's prayer that was about praying for the families in church who were struggling with discipline with their children. At this point our daughter was shrieking loudly in the background and then came racing into church, tugging at my arm.

This carry-on lasted for a while at which point my husband and I thought we may as well leave church. However eventually I managed to sit down and hear most of the sermon as I seated myself strategically between the hall and the creche.

We left church feeling more harassed than uplifted.

Next we went home and I cooked us scrambled eggs on toast for lunch. "Yucky eggs" was my daughter's response and she refused to join us.

So my daughter and I went and had a nap only to be woken after an hour by my husband to say he was going to the hardware store. At this my daughter lost it and remained in a foul mood for the rest of the afternoon.

4pmish our friends turned up for a BBQ. They are friends from our antenatal class and we've been doing babysitting swaps for almost a year and a half. Our daughters usually play quite well, though there is usually a least one fight involving toys. Tonight was the worst the two of them have ever been together. There was no sharing, just screaming, crying, pushing, hair-pulling, and head-bashing. The only time adult conversation happened was when the DVD was on. In the last ten minutes the girls decided they were friends afterall and had turns shooting hoops, which was a little too late for four exasperated parents.

As our daughter is in the process of dropping naps, any nap means she won't go down til after nine. This was one of those nights.

The Mum around tonight shared with me how she wants to get on to TTC for number two because of the symptoms of the-one-child-family her daughter is exhibiting. We both agreed that as our daughter's don't have siblings to fight with and to test the water socially with; there is some undesirable bratty behaviour emerging.

My daughter's other playmate has a younger sister and yes, they have the same kind of wars together. Yet since she has a little sister she will already be learning so much socially, even if it's not obvious at this point in time.

Our daughter has a roomful of toys that she's reluctant to share on most playdates these days. I don't want to raise a spoilt brat but it feels as though that's the way we are heading at this point. We are going to have to work harder and be more creative with our parenting techniques to override this one. I know kids can be spoilt with other siblings in the mix, but another sibling is the best way I can think of for teaching a child that they are not the centre of the universe. I am angry today that this might not happen for us.

Serendipity

I've just discovered that friend no.1's due date for her 2nd child is a day out from the due date of our baby that didn't make it (I had a chemical pregnancy in Dec '06), exactly a year later. Uncanny - in a way. Yet friend no. 1 and I have had many parallels in our lives so it's not a huge surprise. I don't feel sad for me, actually. More relieved in a sense that that date now represents something positive and tangible other than what never came to be. Somehow it helps in the sense that life goes on - for other people, and for myself. I think it's a case of serendipity in action, in a strange kind of a way.

Now I've joined the gym I feel as though my life is moving somewhere which is a welcome change from feeling as though my life was at one big standstill. I'm still looking for a part-time weekend job; applying for the odd job but no bites yet. That's kind of unusual for me as I usually fall into jobs relatively easily.

Looking for work as a Mum is a bit of a challenge. Especially one who is TTC. My last job was at the local paper where I had worked pre-motherhood and as a freelancer over the last few months I have essentially been my own boss. I would never reveal that I'm TTC of course but I do wonder if that is picked up in my demeanour sometimes. Especially the other day when I dropped off a CV at a woman's fashion store in the mall. With my daughter on one hip, I rummaged through my bag to find my CV. I had no choice but to bring her if I wanted to apply for that particular position. The shop assistant's eyes said it all when I handed her my CV "Oh god she's a mother!" I have a feeling if I make it to interview stage with any of these positions I may be asked if I'm going to have any more children which is considered a form of discrimination in this country. I definitely don't have an answer for that hairy question.

It seems the last few months have been one huge waiting game around so many things. But now it feels as though things are starting to fall into place, albeit slowly. Like the old Rachel Hunter shampoo ad catch-phrase that used to be on tv here in NZ in the eighties: "It won't happen over night, but it will happen."

When other "infertiles" don't want to go there

This morning I took my daughter to the local petting zoo where we bumped into another Mum I know. A few months ago she revealed to me the difficulties in conceiving her first child and implied she was having a hard time TTC her second. I was so relieved when she opened up to me as I felt I had found a Mum who lived locally that I could talk to about stuff. She even said to call if I ever "wanted to talk".

At the same time she was selective in who she disclosed her infertility issues with out of respect for her husband who doesn't like their dirty laundry as such aired in public out of concern that their 1st child will one day be bullied at school because of how she was conceived. Personally I would have thought as a parent it is your responsibility to esteem your child while stressing how special their arrival was into the world. In this day and age surely fertility drugs and all that are pretty common. Would children really be cruel about such a thing anyway? I'm sure kids in all their creativity would find a hundred other things to tease their peers about!

Today this "infertile" (horrible term, but one I've seen used a bit and it's quite apt, really) told me she was pregnant. I gave her a hug and congratulated her. And then I asked how baby no.2 was conceived. There was an awkward silence and she told me she wasn't comfortable going there and again referred to her 1st child's conception saying it wasn't fair on her. I said I understood and said that was fine "whatever you're comfortable sharing."

But I left the petting zoo feeling a bit hurt, angry and disappointed. I felt she was letting the side down. I know I have to respect her boundaries and all that but I feel as though she's given me quite mixed messages, perhaps because she's a little confused herself as to how much she wants to disclose.

I feel as an "infertile" that I have the right and the human need to hear about others experience, strength, and hope around all this. Now I feel the door has been shut on one of the only local Mums I knew who'd been through similar stuff. I particularly was interested to hear about her medical experiences locally given my frustrations with the time-delays in paper work etc here in Nelson.

So I walked home feeling peeved that Kiwis seem to feel infertility is so taboo. Why is it such a big deal to reveal you are an "infertile"? The Kiwi attitude is very much to sweep it under the carpet, to say "she'll be right" and to stride on as if all is well. But it's such bollocks! I know other Western countries have similar dynamics but I have to say the openness of the Americans I've met on the Net through all this is so utterly refreshing. I lived in Vancouver for three years and although Canadians are their own people too of course, they too like Americans are not afraid to stand up for what they believe in or to express themselves openly.

This is not meant to be a complete Kiwi-bashing rant as I do love Kiwis and am proud to be one. We just as a nation can be a bit wishy-washy and that certainly rings true as far as expressing ourselves emotionally goes too.

But different strokes for different folks and all that. I guess some of us are more open than others and that's okay. Some prefer to deal with things privately, behind closed doors. I just think it's a shame that people sometimes see their difficulties as something to be ashamed about, that's all.

Geeez!

I just phoned my gyno surgery to see if the receptionist had made any progress on following up the notes about my cyst from the radiologist, only to get the answering machine saying the office isn't open until next Thursday! (it's Friday today). Are they only open once a week or something?! The receptionist said she'd get back to me but I don't trust that I won't get lost in the system again...

I could go ahead and start the Provera of course but I am not convinced my cyst has been considered fully in the equation yet. And if it hasn't been, it could be a waste of time taking the Provera and Clomid if say the cyst is blocking my ovary or doing God knows what else in there.

Deep breaths! All I can do is let it go for now. I'm off to bodyjam tonight and am planning to have a low key day locally with my daughter not going far - just to the local petting zoo and to the beach. I trust this paperwork-around-the cyst-deal will get sorted out eventually...