The Green-Eyed Monster

A part of the territory of being an "infertile" is fighting off frequent feelings of envy around pregnant women, and Mums of bubs. I can only speak from the perspective of a Secondary Infertile (SI) who has the strange dynamic of feeling connected to Mums-of-two (MOT) in one respect yet feeling worlds apart at the same time. On the one hand we are all parents who have been through a lot together as a collective. Yet the SI is cursed with an unfulfilled maternal ache which is very hard for the MOT to identity with.

For many MOTs life has seemingly continued as it was meant to. They created the family nest and are quietly breeding, concentrating on their expanding families. For the SI, while the family nest has been started there is an obvious gaping hole in the nest where the next addition was meant to go. We try to carry on with life as if this gaping hole isn't in our faces every day, yet we are typically reminded on a daily basis that our nest is incomplete.

By the time most of us have been classed as a SI, we are grasping at straws that through some miracle (usually of the medical kind), our nest will one day be filled. There is a big part of us that is grieving in the background as we try to find a place to sit between reality and hope. We know it's a slight possibility that another baby may come along yet since we have been through so much disappointment and heartache already, we often don't want to risk complete emotional vulnerability by surrendering our baby dreams one hundred per cent.

In the meantime bumps and newborns are part of our world as we mix with Mums - and lots of MOTs in particular. Us SIs are somehow lost in space as the MOTs move forward, often having completed their families. It is a challenge to keep the green-eyed monster at bay for the average SI. The MOT is in the difficult position of often not knowing how to talk to a SI. Certain topics are off-limit - almost anything to do with pregnancy and babies. Even the most insensitive MOT knows this. Occasionally the SI, when in a good space, may bravely ask a question about pregnancy or babies only to wish she hadn't once the answer is given. It is a tricky business for even the most well-meaning MOT and one that involves walking on numerous eggshells.

Personally the MOTs who've had trouble conceiving at some point are the ones I can identify with - simply because they've been through the infertility deal. I don't like harbouring my green-eyed monster towards the MOTs out there, but I suspect it'll be a part of me for some time.