So far so good in regards to the Provera. I've had minor spotting the last couple of days but figure that is just my "cycle". My stomach is bloated but I've had that off and on over the last few months. It looks like water retention/PMS/early pregnancy and is quite uncomfortable. I can't wear tight pants at this point in time!
I have to be careful that I don't blame the drugs for my mood swings. Yesterday I felt pretty good but today I've been quite up and down. Mainly because I'm tired. I've had a very busy couple of weeks with a new job/a freelance job on the side/starting counseling and just parenting in general. I just want to blob in front of the tele tonight with my hubby. I feel we've hardly seen each other while I've been busy getting my shit together.
I went to the Dr this a.m as I hurt my toe badly just over a week ago - I accidentally slammed it into my daughter's highchair. It was very painful and has been sore ever since. Turns out I have "sausage digit" (!) - I have torn some muscles at the bottom of my toe and it'll take around four weeks to heal. I've not been walking so much over the past week and have restricted my gym work-outs to the bike and weights. However my Dr reckoned I could go for it with the classes - will obviously have to pace myself. Exercising means I'll delay the healing of my toe by a week or two but she seemed to think I was fine carrying on as normal which is good as I have been missing my gym classes.
My Dr asked where I was at fertility-wise so it was good to go in today just to touch base with her. She also asked indirectly why I'd changed Dr's and also what my expectations were from her. So it feels good to have established what my needs are with her early in our Dr-patient relationship.
This week has gone really well with my daughter. It seems to be working taking her out of her activities early, watching her like a hawk and using the sticker chart system for reinforcing her positive behaviour. i.e "playing nice" with other kids. The teacher at Playgroup said this week we have to go through our GP if we want to get a referral to Child Development Services. Now we have some strategies that are working for us, it doesn't seem so crucial that we get her checked out at this point. Will sit on that one for a bit.
At the same time I have been giving my daughter independence where appropriate. Yesterday we went into town without the buggy and did an errand before going to the icecream palour together. She was proud of herself walking around town amongst all the foot traffic. And today she walked back from the park by herself for the first time.
There were a few baby/bump triggers at Music today. A Mum-of-two friend told me about a friend of hers going through secondary infertility. It was wierd in a sense - is in I wasn't sure if it was for my benefit or if she was just sharing she knew someone in the same boat. I was thinking you've shared this because...? There were three siblings (all girls) standing in a row with their varying heights like peas in a pod in Music class today. They have a wee baby sister on the way. And then my daughter "chased" around a crawling baby. She had a lot of fun, giggling and following the baby back and forth. That pulls at my heart-strings every time. Also another Mum of One said in passing to someone else "I have a cold and I'm pregnant" implying she felt like shit. She's just 11 weeks apparently and certainly didn't look it. She's lovely and I could empathise and can't expect people to censor their conversations just because I'm around and anyway, the majority of people out there don't know my predictment. It is just so in my face in that environment that I have missed the boat for some unexplained biological reason with having a second baby. I may catch another boat eventually, much later than planned, but mainly I feel as though I have been left behind with not even a life-jacket.
However today I feel as though I've stepped outside this secondary infertility deal a little. I've been thinking of a couple of random things such as all the travel I did as a twenty-something. In particular I was thinking about listening to live music in New Orleans many years ago. It was just so amazing to experience that. I guess I'm getting a sense of although it feels like forever that we've been TTC; I've had a life outside of this period of time and will do again. My counselor did suggest I go for a walk to a top of a hill and take in the view as a way of getting some perspective with my life.
I do feel better having a plan with the Clomid for three months. All I can do is hand it over to the God of my understanding. I think I'm able to do it because it is for a short period of time. I won't worry about what comes next til I get there. And you just never know. There is an op-shop where Music is held and this morning I caught some babies clothes out of the corner of my eye and thought "It could happen."and actually believed it for a second.
No comments:
Post a Comment