This morning I took my daughter to the local petting zoo where we bumped into another Mum I know. A few months ago she revealed to me the difficulties in conceiving her first child and implied she was having a hard time TTC her second. I was so relieved when she opened up to me as I felt I had found a Mum who lived locally that I could talk to about stuff. She even said to call if I ever "wanted to talk".
At the same time she was selective in who she disclosed her infertility issues with out of respect for her husband who doesn't like their dirty laundry as such aired in public out of concern that their 1st child will one day be bullied at school because of how she was conceived. Personally I would have thought as a parent it is your responsibility to esteem your child while stressing how special their arrival was into the world. In this day and age surely fertility drugs and all that are pretty common. Would children really be cruel about such a thing anyway? I'm sure kids in all their creativity would find a hundred other things to tease their peers about!
Today this "infertile" (horrible term, but one I've seen used a bit and it's quite apt, really) told me she was pregnant. I gave her a hug and congratulated her. And then I asked how baby no.2 was conceived. There was an awkward silence and she told me she wasn't comfortable going there and again referred to her 1st child's conception saying it wasn't fair on her. I said I understood and said that was fine "whatever you're comfortable sharing."
But I left the petting zoo feeling a bit hurt, angry and disappointed. I felt she was letting the side down. I know I have to respect her boundaries and all that but I feel as though she's given me quite mixed messages, perhaps because she's a little confused herself as to how much she wants to disclose.
I feel as an "infertile" that I have the right and the human need to hear about others experience, strength, and hope around all this. Now I feel the door has been shut on one of the only local Mums I knew who'd been through similar stuff. I particularly was interested to hear about her medical experiences locally given my frustrations with the time-delays in paper work etc here in Nelson.
So I walked home feeling peeved that Kiwis seem to feel infertility is so taboo. Why is it such a big deal to reveal you are an "infertile"? The Kiwi attitude is very much to sweep it under the carpet, to say "she'll be right" and to stride on as if all is well. But it's such bollocks! I know other Western countries have similar dynamics but I have to say the openness of the Americans I've met on the Net through all this is so utterly refreshing. I lived in Vancouver for three years and although Canadians are their own people too of course, they too like Americans are not afraid to stand up for what they believe in or to express themselves openly.
This is not meant to be a complete Kiwi-bashing rant as I do love Kiwis and am proud to be one. We just as a nation can be a bit wishy-washy and that certainly rings true as far as expressing ourselves emotionally goes too.
But different strokes for different folks and all that. I guess some of us are more open than others and that's okay. Some prefer to deal with things privately, behind closed doors. I just think it's a shame that people sometimes see their difficulties as something to be ashamed about, that's all.
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