Torn

I didn't blog yesterday as the internet was down for a bit here. Might have to go back to blogging first thing in the morning. It's hard to find the time during the day otherwise. And I'm trying to avoid being on the computer at night if it can be helped. It's been raining a bit again so I'm glad I made the most of the sunny four days we had in a row. I am certainly someone who perks up when the sun is out.

It's raining today and I don't feel so perky. It's like I have been unplugged emotionally and all this stuff is starting to ooze out. Although my desire for a second child is very genuine, I do think it was my guise for quite some time. Beneath the surface there is a lot more going on.

The Provera failed to work for a second time in a row to bring on AF so from where I stand it's frickin' obvious that I am in menopause. I have all the symptoms. It makes perfect sense. Yet the "healer lady" has implied that once things are back in balance with me emotionally, my periods will resume. Really? She also said the reason the Provera hasn't worked the last two times is because I've started this healing work which may have cancelled out the affects of Provera. Hmmm. I'm afraid I can't quite believe this. Perhaps because I can't quite believe it; then perhaps I won't be able to restore the hormonal balance in my body. Quite frankly it feels a bit far-fetched.

I'm back in one of my black and white thinking phases. I just want someone to give me an answer - any answer. For goodness sakes it's been two years of trying to figure out why I'm not ovulating or getting periods. I'll take menopause at this point. Surely this is just nature taking it's course. It has been hard living with the symptoms of menopause while not taking anything for them.

Maybe I want to see it this way as taking responsibility/ownership for my hormonal imbalance on an emotional level is hard work. I will keep plodding on with dealing with the pile of emotional back-log that seems to be before me. But I am very torn around my motives for doing so. On the one hand it's obvious I need to do it and really, what choice do I have if I want to move forward in my life? On the other hand I have some faith, albeit very small, that perhaps I do have the power to change my world because of my longing for a child a la Julia Indichova. I just don't like feeling torn. It's like I don't know what I believe in right now.