Working on self-worth

The subtitle of Julia Indichova's book The Fertile Female is How the Power of Longing for a Child Can Save Your Life and Change the World. I'm beginning to see that my longing for a child may not necessarily bring me another child; but it certainly has and is saving my life in the respect that I have been coaxed to look at some deep "core issues."

I know it happens in life. Something traumatic happens but often it isn't just the actual incident that causes pain; it also all the feelings that are exposed from deep within that also sting. These events are opportunities for healing at the deepest level. That is where I'm at today.

The self-worth stuff is so very deep within me. How I came to have such low self-worth is not really what it's about. I just have to accept that I have it and so now I have something to work with. I'm very aware of how "blocked" I am in my life because I don't think I deserve some of the greater things in life - or even some of the basic stuff. For some reason on some level I don't think I deserve another baby. I have issues with pursuing adoption as well because I don't feel good enough to raise a child that isn't biologically ours. Especially now I'm on anti-depressants. I know I'm taking care of myself and the hormonally-induced mood swings aren't my fault; yet I do feel like I have failed somehow as a Mum having to take happy pills.

So I'm just taking small steps with it all. I really needed some new casual shoes so went into town and bought some yesterday, even though I was in the throes of feeling really not so good about myself. I am the only one who can build on my low self-worth; so I'm just going to treat myself, love myself a little more. If my longing for another child has caused me to be this self-honest and to grow from it; it's really not such a bad thing now is it.