Disrupted sleep

One of my favourite things in life is sleep. I love a good nights sleep, sleep-ins, naps, and even just early nights snuggled up in bed with a book. Before motherhood that was! ;)

My daughter still doesn't sleep through the night at three and a quarter years old and I do often wonder how I would possibly cope with a baby in the mix. She slept through the night at five weeks (and I smugly thought we had it all well and truly sussed!), then started teething at four months and has been an unsettled sleeper ever since! Some nights are worse than others. The last two nights have been bad ones. I may take her to the Dr if we have another night of this as this has been a little more than just waking - she was in some kind of discomfort and has been writhing around, crying a little even with me in bed with her. As a result it was well past one a.m before I got any sleep last night and about the same the night before.

I cannot stand the sleepless nights! Not now. When my daughter was a baby and it was about getting up for breastfeeds I used to cherish that special Mother- daughter quiet time. I loved cradling her in my arms as she suckled away in the dead of the night as we shared an unspoken bond.

But not now. There is nothing cute anymore about getting woken up several times during the night! Of course if my daughter is genuinely sick I do want to be there for her. But most of the time she's just a grumpy sleeper who craves skin contact when she sleeps. So yes, it is kind of like musical beds around here with me often starting the night in our bed down the hall and then ending up in our daughter's bed at some point.

This all started because for many months I got up every two hours (or more) to our daughter when she was a baby, got her back to sleep, then would make my way make to bed only to be woken up again shortly afterwards. I was a walking zombie and suffered from severe sleep deprivation for many months. While looking for alternatives to sleep issues other than the crying-out method, I stumbled across Dr Sears whose co-sleeping suggestions I agree with - just do whatever works! So I have been doing that ever since. And whatever works has been sharing a bed with my daughter for some, if not the whole night. It's not perfect but it's where we're at for now.

I've tried putting a mattress on the floor next to her bed to start weaning myself out of her bed. That partially works. But for Winter here in New Zealand I will just keep doing what we are doing, as crazy as it seems at times.

So all this said I wondered during the small hours of the night last night (once again) how I could possibly get up to a baby as well as a preschooler. I am a wreck some days following a night like last night. All I want is some space after a night of hair-pulling and being kicked in the guts as my daughter tosses and turns. I also cannot imagine the intensity of a baby's needs and a preschoolers after a night of little sleep. Could I really do it? Today is one of those mornings post crap-sleep that I'm thinking I couldn't.

A MOTH friend of mine claims she gets up on average six times a night to her preschooler and baby. (her school-aged child sleeps through). I guess you just get on with it and do it - you have no choice, afterall. Of course it's not even something I should be worrying about at this point. I shall just look forward to the fact that one day my daughter's sleep patterns will improve and cherish the fact that for now some nights are better than others.

Finding a happy (?) medium

I guess where I'm at these days is trying to find the middle ground within SIF. I no longer want to be obsessed about another baby, yet at the same time, I am still TTC (or more correctly, TTO) so naturally some of my time and energy is consumed by SIF.

I think I'm getting there. Some minor changes I've made to my week have helped. Just logging into Dailystrength in the weekends has been good for me. It takes a while to catch up with all my friends journals within the secondary infertility community, but I cherish this connection I have with women on the other side of the world who are going through the same thing. It has been a sanity-saver meeting these women and I will continue to contribute to Dailystrength, even if it isn't on a daily basis.

Giving myself permission to be honest with myself and admit I have been really struggling with my daughter's Playgroup was significant for me. I have felt so much better just going once a week, rather than twice a week.

I've been a bit more open this week around SIF "out there". A MOT friend at Music yesterday asked how I was so I told her I was devasted by SIF. I shared that I felt I was close to getting some answers and I was bracing myself for the worst outcome. I think she was kind of shocked to get that response but I was feeling kind of crappy. Plus a couple of MOTs that go to the same Playgroup were also at Music and were recapping the MOFs child-birth story from a couple of days ago - about how she "controlled" the birth of her fourth child. It was too much, I felt as though I was about to explode and was almost going to excuse myself and get up and leave!

I also phoned the MOT yesterday who'd recommended Fertility Associates to say I was going to a free fertility information evening with them in a couple of weeks. I had a wee chat to her about the cost and apparently some of it is funded (as I read on the web site). So we shall see.

I never heard back from the Dr yesterday - my gyno's receptionist had suggested I phone her to get a script for Provera since my gyno is away til Wednesday. I kind of think oh well, I'll just get the script next week. I'm in this space of recognising I need to do some extra footwork around TTO/TTC but at the same time am trusting God's timing. I really felt I was meant to have a wee break from TTO post surgery. I wasn't up to it all a couple of weeks ago. But I'm feeling much stronger in body, mind and soul now.

I went to Bodyjam (hip-hop dance class) last night and I am soooo sore! Man is it a hard class! There's a half hour intro and then the actual class is an hour. But often I'm well and truly warmed up after the intro. It's such a feel-good class. I do love it so.

I've applied for one home-based opportunity and have enquired about two others this week. I'm feeling proud of me for really making an effort to carry on with my life at this time. I feel as though I am operating in the middle ground of SIF. I just hope I can stay here.

Taking it up a notch

On Tuesday a MOT at an antenatal class get-together mentioned Fertility Associates. There was an ad in the local community paper two days later for a free fertility information evening here in Nelson. I believe God works through people and other means, so I phoned up and booked myself in, taking it as a sign that I am meant to go. It's on Wednesday 9th July 6.00 -7.30pm. Topics covered are: causes of infertility, options for treatment, the IVF experience, and counselling and support.

I had a brief chat to one of the nurses who seemed to think Clomid wasn't perhaps the best way to go for me given I have just one ovary and I'm 39 years old. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach for several reasons after that phone-call. Once again I am reminded of how time isn't on my side around TTC and I also fear I have missed the boat; that I may not possibly ovulate again. I am scared yet I have to go down this road despite financial concerns that we probably won't be able to afford any extra treatment. I just have to keep an open mind with it all and trust that God is leading the way here - if He wants me to go down this road then the money to do it will somehow become available to us.

I just ordered some Pre-seed lubicant. I didn't know until a few months ago that such a product existed. Without going into the arena of TMI (too much information!), regular lubricant is toxic to sperm. I had no idea until very recently that was the case. Pre-seed is supposed to provide a sperm friendly environment so I thought it was worth a try.

I also just called my gyno surgery to get a script for Provera to bring on AF since AF is late three weeks tomorrow (and I'm definitely not pregnant). My gyno is away til Wednesday so the receptionist said to phone my Dr to see if she'll write a script. My Dr is apparently busy all day so a nurse will call me back. Phew! It takes a bit of time and energy coordinating the fertility stuff! Perhaps that should be a job - A Fertility Coordinator (!) - very similar to the role of A Wedding Planner! ;)

It feels as though I am taking things up a notch around TTC. I feel quite vulnerable, however. I feel I am perhaps getting closer to some answers around TTO and I'm not sure it's what I want to hear. But if it's bad news - better I find out sooner rather than later, I think.

I talked to my husband a bit about me working full-time last night. We agreed it's best I stay in my at-home role. I don't want to have any regrets. If I am going to remain a MOO then I do want to stay at home with my daughter. It's looking like it's going that way so I am going to continue making the most of this time with her. At the same time I recognise I need to work a little more so am looking into home-based options and feeling positive that something is going to work out there.

I went to Playgroup yesterday. It was hard when a MOF disclosed TMI around her latest addition's birth who was born twelve days ago. It's her fourth daughter and even as a newborn she looks exactly like her three siblings - they truly are like peas in a pod. The MOF even asked me if I'd experienced child-birth. To which I said no, just the one c-section. That's a painful aside - that I might never actually give birth to a child. Though of course I'd rather another c-section than no baby thanks. Anyway this MOF went on to tell me how she "controlled" the birth of her child so she was born at a particular time! - only something a woman who had given birth several times could do she said proudly. Yeah thanks for that, I thought. Clearly I'm not going to be spitting babies out now am I. This MOF knows I am a SI. Sigh.

Another MOTH-to-be asked if I knew she was pregnant with her third child. Yep you told me a few weeks ago, I thought, no need to brag, now is there! This MOTH-to-be doesn't know I'm an SI and asked if I was working. Well of course I am. There are no other children in the wings now are there, I wanted to scream!

Yeah, probably best I'm moving on from Playgroup soon. It's a bitter-sweet decision going to Playgroup just once a week for now (as opposed to twice a week). That is where I have made all my Mum connections and not all Mums go both days. So I've lost contact with the Tuesday Mums. I know a lot of Mums on a Thursday now anyway. It's an amazing place to go as a Mum and if it wasn't for my SIF status, I'm sure I would have no issues with it at all.

Yet in my heart it really does feel like it's the beginning of my time of moving on. So when my daughter gets into Kindy (around September) that'll be it for us. It will be the end of an era. In some ways I am so relieved that I only have to hang in there for a few more months. In other ways I feel sad as it feels like I may possibly be leaving the world of MOTs for good. I will still be taking my daughter to swimming, gymnastic and music classes even when she goes to Kindy but I will be socialising less in those situations, just merely crossing paths with MOTs.

Going with the flow (a little more)

I do feel like I've been coping with SIF a bit better recently. Oh sure, I've had the usual mix of volatile feelings, but I don't think those will ever disappear completely during my time as a SI. I just feel as though I have freed up some of the energy that had been consumed by SIF by changing a few things in my week. I am trying to check into Dailystrength just once a week or just in the weekends. I miss my online friends but I think it's been much better for me having a few days in a row where I don't go there too much around SIF. I made a decision to drop one Playgroup session a week (we used to go twice a week) and that has been really good for me. I feel as though I am a little more disconnected to Playgroup now that we aren't there so much. I don't feel as though I belong in the world of MOTs right now so it has been really freeing giving myself permission to let go of one of our Playgroup sessions.

Accepting Gods will around SIF has been huge for me. I still do not like the fact that another baby isn't in the wings, or might not ever be. But somehow accepting that God has it sorted, that I need to accept for now at least I am a MOO has given me the power to carry on with my life as it is today. It does feel like my world is opening up as a consequence.

I did my first class at the gym in seven weeks last night and it felt good! I'm now seven weeks post-op and I said to myself "I'm back!" after I did Bodycombat last night - the martial arts, kickboxing class. It's quite an aggressive class but I love it! It's just the best for SIF stress! So I'm looking forward to going back to Bodyjam on Friday night which is a hip-hop dance class and loads of fun.

There have certainly been different phases throughout my SIF journey. At one point I could barely make it through the day so had to work hard to get myself out of that space, then I couldn't see beyond my present so I had to create some short-term goals such as joining the gym, and getting a weekend job which helped move me out of SIF overwhelm and now I'm able to look at the bigger picture - just carrying on with life really, as best as I can.

Who knows what changes will be made in my life now that SIF isn't my one hundred percent focus. I'm a bit undecided about full-time work but am buying the Wednesday and Saturday papers to see what is out there. I have three home-based opportunities to look into so am going to devote some time today to look into those. The bottom line is rather than putting a whole lot of energy into something that may not happen - TTC another child, I may as well put my time and energy into something concrete such as a few more part-time work hours in my week.

Despite the feelings that still flare up most days, I do feel I am overall in a better place with SIF. I guess it's because I've handed the reins over to God. I finally got that I really cannot make another baby come along, no matter how hard I try. I am also able to look at MOTS and see it was Gods will for them to have two kids, whereas it might be Gods will for me to have "just one." It hurts, it really hurts. But I cannot walk around resenting MOTS forever.

Antenatal class catch-up

Yesterday four of us Mums from our antenatal class met up. There are actually more of us around from our original class, but it is hard to find a time that suits everytime. But I preferred meeting up in a smaller group for selfish reasons - I just didn't want to face another roomful of MOTs. So in the end there were two of us MOOs and two MOTs. The other Mum is a MOO for tragic reasons - she lost her husband to cancer two years ago.

I hadn't seen the two MOTs in over a year, so their second children had grown from babies to toddlers. It was hard, but I still enjoyed catching up with everyone. Probably the hardest thing to see everytime I see a couple of siblings together is the family likeness. It just seems as though having two children is the most natural thing in the world when they come out with similar features - all part of nature and the cycle of life and all that.

One of the MOTs revealed to me that it took her a couple of years to conceive her first child. She passed on the name of some fertility specialists - Fertility Associates that helped her. I googled them. At first glance they seem to have done all that my gyno has, but she reckoned in her case they were on to it and did lots of blood tests to determine that she was ovulating a week later than the norm. Something her gyno missed. I know I have erratic cycles and am sure I've ovulated very late in the past. The trouble with the day 21 progesterone test is it only works if you ovulate around day 14, otherwise ovulation won't be picked up.

I always think you are given information when you are meant to receive it. So I will phone this MOT to get the phone number for the fertility specialists as she suggested. There wasn't a local phone number (as in South Island) listed on the web site.

The same MOT also said when she was TTC in the long-term she had to find a Plan B that was just as good. It is hard for me to think of something that could replace another biological child right now. But I do know that kind of thinking helps. I have applied it to my life before. So I guess I am in the process of finding my own Plan B.

I have been thinking a lot about returning to work full-time and becoming the breadwinner. The idea appeals in some ways yet thinking about it only highlights all the things I would miss as an at-home Mum. But I will continue to keep an open mind. It doesn't have to be for the long-term - perhaps just for a year.

Where do I belong?

I seem to be constantly stuck between two worlds. As a SI, I am stuck between the world of infertility and fertility. I have one child, but am having extreme difficulty conceiving another one. Those afflicted with primary infertility don't necessarily empathise with my SIF status. I only know PIs in real life yet I've never been able to connect with any of them deeply. The only SIs I know are through their own blogs or Dailystrength. I continue to feel lonely within my real world around SIF.

The older my daughter gets, the less I feel I belong in the at-home Mum circles. All my MOO friends work part-time. I work on Sundays only. I am the only MOO I know who goes to activites for the at-home Mum all week and it is getting harder to attend them. As Mums add to their families, I feel like I stand out like a sore thumb with "just one" child. I often get asked if I have older children. Maybe I should start inventing extra children!

I feel the winds of change hovering and I don't like it. It was my husband who initially suggested I become the breadwinner - and a close friend has agreed. Why? Am I a crap Mum who should be ripped out of the family home because I do have SIF? It is so f**king unfair!! This could be my only child people and you think I should leave this gig behind?

I'm only so wound-up because I know the idea makes sense. I cannot stand being in the world of MOTs at the moment. I guess where I'm at with it all is accepting that it isn't Gods will for me right now to be a MOT. Accepting doesn't mean I like it though!! I am still grieving the idea of a second child. Yet now I am grieving the fact that I may lose my at-home Mum status soon.

What is God playing at? I'm trying to believe and trust that the God of my understanding is a loving God and only wants the best for me. Perhaps I'm afraid He does know best. Perhaps I would be happier in the workforce far away from the world of MOTs and bumps.

Bye bye baby-hair

I am going through a new kind of grief today - the mourning of my daughter's hair!! While I was at work yesterday my husband cut our daughter's hair without full consent from me. We had partly agreed to a trim - but not a cut. It was long and blonde, and fell half-way down her back. I was so proud of it and it was just part of what made her her. Now it sits on her shoulders. I am furious, devastated, and dismayed for so many reasons. But mainly because I didn't know it was happening yesterday. It would not have happened yesterday if I had been involved at all. Or I would have at least been there to ensure it was just a trim.

There was no time to prepare to say good bye to my precious daughter's baby hair. I cannot believe her luscious long hair is gone. :( It was also the last connection to babyhood I had. Apart from a bottle at night, there are no traces of my daughter's baby years in our household. The hair was symbolic and I wasn't yet ready to say goodbye to it. Especially as an SI. Especially because I am trying so very hard to carry on with life right now without waiting for another baby. Surely as a MOO struggling with SIF I had a right to hold on to my daughter's hair for a wee bit longer?

It is so unfair. I wasn't ready for this and I'm so very, very angry. Never did I think I would be crying over hair!

Yep, a certain someone is in the dog-box right now.

Keeping an open mind

There was a moment in time this week when I let out a very primal scream during one of my crying sessions. It was as though God reached in and lifted my baby dreams out of my being and for a moment I felt as though I had been ripped apart. My baby dreams have been part me for so many months, it feels strange to let go of them. Now I'm not going to claim that I know it all - that I have SIF conquered for once and for all. I know I will still have my moments and I'm sure there are still many tears and frustrations to come. I am afterall still TTC # 2 child.

But something has changed. Handing my baby dreams to God was an act I have been trying to do for many months but never managed to do in entirety - in mind, body, and soul. I would say I had handed it all over to God but then would take the reins back as soon as I got frustrated or disappointment with His efforts. Obviously with SIF I will have to do some footwork. I do have to do things to help myself during this time. It's the control aspect I am talking about giving up here, that's all.

I don't think there's an easy cure for SIF - every SI is only doing the best she can to survive with what she knows. We are all coping the best way we know how, and that is always just a work-in-progress. All I can do is think back to other challenging times in my life and be reminded that it is only when I hand it all over to God that I can hope for some peace and begin to feel engaged in life again.

Since my shift in thinking, God has showed me some possibilites for the near-future. They include retraining or even going back to work full-time. My husband and I have discussed switching roles - so that he could perhaps become the house husband and I could go to work. I am just going with the flow and watching to see where I'm being directed. In many ways it would break my heart to lose my at-home Mum role as I had always thought I'd be the one taking our daughter to Kindy for the first time, school to the first time etc. I know I've just had a very hard week of parenting while the two of us have been sick but for the most part, I really do enjoy my role.

SIF has put a real strain on being an at-home Mum and perhaps being out of the Mummy circles wouldn't be a bad thing for me. Perhaps it would have huge benefits for all of us if I returned to work. Obviously I could still get pregnant but I can no longer let that possibility hold me back in my life.

Who knows. I may not end up changing anything. Like I say, I am just keeping an open mind. I am listening to God.

Introducing Phase Four

To recap briefly, I recently revealed The Merry-Go-Round Of SIF that I go through:
Phase One: in which I am in the depths of SIF despair.
Phase Two: in which I'm over thinking about SIF.
Phase Three: in which I'm optimistic that a baby is on the way for me eventually.

I have driven myself crazy swinging between these three states over the last twenty-one months. In none of these Phases was I truly able to hand my baby wishes over to God so inevitably ended up feeling miserable when a BFP was definitely not in the wings as per Phase Three and then would end up back in Phase One, with my tail between my legs.

Phase Four: In this Phase I am on my knees. I have made a decision to hand my baby wishes over to God, trusting Him with the outcome. I am moving to a place of acceptance that perhaps a second child might not be in Gods plans for me. It is about facing reality and embracing my life as it is today. That means moving on from a state of waiting for a much-wanted child to arrive and living in limbo. It is a devastating process to go through as it is about giving up a dream. Although I am still in the TTC for number two game, I have to carry on as if a baby isn't coming. After months of living and breathing SIF, it isn't easy letting go of obsessional thoughts. It is time to make room for life outside of SIF. I feel as though I am experiencing a death and the grief is at times unbearable. But I've had moments of peace, moments of clarity. The only way I can survive SIF is by letting go and letting God. I plan to stay in this Phase until the day God declares I either can or can't have any more children. It could be a long road. I suspect I will at times be extremely vulnerable around MOTs and MOTs-to-be. It is advisable to check in with me before disclosing too many details at this time.

Surrendering isn't always a piece of cake

I have been trying really hard to continue to surrender my baby dreams to God this week. But it is far from an easy process. In fact, I have cried a lot this week. Because in letting go of my baby dreams it is once again, a grieving process. It's like for now, I have to say goodbye to this dream so I can go forth with the rest of my life. In many ways it feels so wrong and unnatural to be thinking this way as for so many months baby number two has existed in my heart. I have been carrying around the love for my hoped for second child and it has inhibited me from moving forward.

Now that I am giving up this love, and this desire for another child, God is illuminating the way forward involving other possibilities - and I am scared. And pissed off. Because this isn't the way I wanted it to be. Why the hell do I have to contemplate retraining or re-entering the work-force in the-not-so-distant-future? (sooner than I had planned). I didn't want to have to think about all that until baby number two had arrived. But I'm having to reprogramme myself to think about this stuff - as we may not have a second child and life has to carry on.

I have had such a tough week being sick and home-bound all week with my three and a quarter year old. We've got out once a day into the Winter sunshine but have spent a lot of time here at home, just the two of us. We're both very frustrated and bored with one another's company. It is such a challenge keeping a three year old entertained with no Playgroup, playdates or other outside activites. Yesterday I received a confirmation in the mail that my daughter won't get into her local Kindy til around three and a half years old - which is in September. That's three more months. It has been an unusual school term in that my daughter and I have had our surgeries to recover from, we've been sick twice with a stomach bug and now a virus and her week hasn't been as full as it normally is. Also the MOT who we used to see twice a week has faded into the background while she looks after her ill mother. So my daughter has lost a much-loved play-mate for now.

Next term I've enrolled her in both gymnastics and swimming classes which'll be good for her. It means we'll only be going to Playgroup once a week instead of twice a week next term which I think will be good for both of us. I just need to encourage some more playdates for my daughter once we're both well again.

I've realised I have to accept that our daughter is an only child. There is no sibling in the wings. At this rate she'll be over four if another child came along. We don't have family living in town either which means she misses out on regular connections with her cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Grandad, and Nanas. She sees one Nana quite regularly but it is clear to me she wants to form bonds with other adults outside of our wee family. She is ready for Kindy in my opinion. I'm disappointed that she can't get in for another three months. Last year the kids did get in at three years old - it's only because they've lowered the teacher-to-kids ratio that they are getting in a bit later.

I'm jaded - physically and emotionally. I have struggled this week looking after my daughter mainly within these four walls. I have always ascertained she's a high needs child, which means she demands as much of my time and energy as possible. Unless I make breaks for myself outside of the home, I don't get them as even when my husband is home, our daughter wants me to do it all including bathing her and putting her to bed. She'll even say "Daddy dishes, Mummy bath!" as she knows that I normally do the dishes while my husband gives her her bath. My husband has to put on his best comedy routine to get her into the bath these days but sometimes she's not convinced.

I have really missed not being able to go to the gym this week to get my Mummy breaks. I am hoping I'll be fine next week so I can go back to to the gym then. I am certainly no Super Mum. I need my time-outs from motherhood, that is for sure. This week my hands are so very full with one child. God knows that. I have to be honest and admit that I am wondering if I could cope with two children. Perhaps God is showing me I am already challenged enough.

Finding peace

It seems to be working, surrendering my baby dreams to God. I guess I have grappled with handing over baby number two for so long because I wanted it to happen so badly for us. There was definitely a bit of a power struggle going on between me and God! It feels as though I have untightened my grasp. My fingers have loosened, and I may eventually let go completely of trying to control my MOT hopes and dreams.

What I've been thinking these last few days is that the future might actually look a bit different to what I had hoped. I believe God only wants the best for me - but perhaps this is as good as it gets on the family front for us. Our family might actually be complete already, as far as God is concerned.

It certainly helps to think along those lines as up until now I've felt like I've been living with the ghost of baby number two. This very much wanted second child affected just about every thought and decision I had.

I'm feeling a bit better but my glands are swollen and my throat is killing me. It has been a good week to surrender baby number two to God as I haven't taken my daughter to any of her activities this week with our joint bugs. So I haven't seen any MOTs or MOTs-to-be which has been quite timely while I've been doing some soul-searching around SIF.

I have made the evenings all about self-care this week. I have been enjoying hot baths the last couple of nights and tonight am going to watch Chicago while my husband is out at his course.

It has been so nice these last few days being able to be present in the quiet moments that are offered to me. I have actually felt peace at these times. I have felt that I will be okay if another baby doesn't come. But until I'm told that's not a possibility, I will continue to allow God to take care of all that for me. I have been living in a state of grief for so long. Until the day comes when I may find out I can't actually have any more children I will believe I can. I can grieve my dream when it's a sure thing it's not going to happen. It has been such a waste of time and energy grieving something that may end up happening anyway.

The art of surrendering

I feel like hell physically. I'm day three into a cold/flu with high fevers, achy muscles and ears, and a horrendous cough. It sure is tough being an at-home Mum at times like this. My daughter is a day ahead of me with the same virus so we've had a very low-key week so far. I have been thinking at least I do only have one child to look after - I cannot imagine being sick and having a preschooler and a baby to look after, for instance.

I think I am at the beginning of making some sort of peace with the God of my understanding around my baby number two desires. Perhaps it isn't Gods will for me - perhaps it is. I really have to surrender my desire to Him and trust he'll deliver me with the best outcome for me. I have to be okay with His decision if another biological child isn't in the wings. And if He decides to bless our family with another baby then it will feel like a small miracle.

I've been thinking I'm going to have to just carry on with life as if another baby isn't coming as living in a holding pattern for so many months has felt so suffocating. This means thinking ahead to next year and what I might do for work once my daughter goes to morning Kindy. I had been hoping there would be a baby at home to look after during my daughter's Kindy years; but who knows - that may or may not happen.

I haven't given up. I'm just been realistic, I think. A second child is a possibility for us but it's not a probability which means life has to go on.

Being kind to myself

Since I made the decision not to log into Dailystrength for a few days, my time has freed up considerably. Although I do think connecting with women going through SIF on a daily basis has healed me in some respects - it has also hindered me. I have really valued having a place to go to where I'm "got" around all this SIF stuff. However it has meant I have put a lot of time and energy into talking and thinking about SIF. I guess I really needed to talk and talk and talk about it for a while. Now I'm thinking taking a break from talking about it, even if it is just a few days, will be the best thing for me.

I have a lost a little weight since my surgery five and a half weeks ago. I'm not a size zero or anything, but too thin for me. I'm happy being a size 10/12 and don't like the fact my jeans are hanging off me at the moment. I think I lost some of the abdominal bloating I had pre-op so that partly explains the bagginess around my waist. Post-op I've been pale and a little spotty - I just don't feel like my healthy self. I know it's Winter here in New Zealand but I feel like I've lost my Tigger bounce!

I went to bed before 9pm last night and will do the same for a few nights. I have been reading Stillness Speaks by Eckhart Tolle which is a great book for me to read at this time. I have referenced this book before on this blog. It is simply about doing what the title suggests - being in the moment and letting go of any thoughts that are rattling around.

I recognise that I hurt me this time round in my latest Phase One of SIF. I let my thoughts tell my SIF story and they aren't even accurate. I definitely lost the plot and perspective. My thoughts became bigger than my reality. No wonder I felt so down. I guess now I know I go through these three phases I can perhaps work on some new coping skills. Of course I'm allowed to feel down and disheartened - but I'm sure I don't need to feel quite as consumed by SIF as I have been at times.

I had an awareness yesterday that I am very angry at my body. I didn't realise I held this anger - basically I am peeved that my body isn't doing what it's meant to be doing - ovulating. However I have been thinking maybe my body is weak and needs a time-out from my SIF thinking. It's almost like now is a time of forgiveness for my body - it is just simply doing what it's meant to be doing.

I feel as though I have being in a fertility-race since I joined Dailystrength about six months ago. All of us SI's on there just want to get a BFP - as soon as possible. But I've decided to not phone my gyno surgery this week to find out about Provera to kick-start my period (it is now 11 days late). I'm going to just go with the flow for a week or two. If AF arrives in the next few days, I will start Clomid. If not I will wait for a bit. I'm going to believe that for now, AF is not meant to come.

I feel yesterday I was able to connect with my body on a deep level and ascertain that actually my body needs a rest right now from thinking about TTC - and so does my mind.

Time to refuel

As per last night's post, I am in PHASE Two of my SIF merry-go-round. At this stage I am defeated, worn out and in dire need of some R&R, after too much navel-gazing as per PHASE One.

My shoulders and back ache, I am in the early stages of the cold/flu my daughter has, my mind is pure SIF mush and I cannot remember the last time I connected properly with the God of my understanding. So I am going to take extra good care of myself this week - early nights, hot baths, meditation/time for God while keeping my week as simple as possible.

When I had a course of acupuncture treatments last year my acupuncturist theorized that the reason I had long cycles was because my body wasn't strong enough to "have a bleed." She seemed to think it would take around two years post my c-section/losing my ovary for things to right themselves. Well it's three years and almost three months on and I'm still in the same boat. But then of course I'm now getting over my recent laparotomy which was five and a half weeks ago. I don't feel strong physically, emotionally or spiritually right now so perhaps my body is too weak to cope with regular cycles. Or at least it is still sorting itself out post-op this time round. I don't know. I have to be honest; I don't feel strong enough to start a pregnancy right now. I will phone my gyno's surgery this week to ask what comes next since I'm on stand-by for Clomid and AF is ten days late.

I feel like I've been a bit overloaded with fertility/infertility talk too. I know there are so many approaches too out there on how to fix things. Most involve cash and we don't have any spare at the moment. So all I can do is turn inward and heal what lies within - which is no doubt pretty powerful in itself. I also think I will be checking into Dailystrength a little less this week. I get so much out of reading all the SIF journals but I think I need to not read them for a few days. My brain really needs a SIF time-out. That said, I will no doubt still blog but I won't be cutting and pasting my excerpts or links into Dailystrength this week.

Overall I just feel like it's a time of being extra kind to myself. I had a rough emotional reaction around the lack of ovulation post-surgery in my first cycle. I am now pulling myself up off the ground and dusting myself off again!

The Emotional Merry-Go-Round of SIF

Sometimes, I feel like quite the nut as I sort through the emotional debris of SIF. I have realised lately that there are three distinct phases that I am continuously going through as per below. Each Phase has it's own distinct flavour. It's almost as if I take on three different personalities as I sift through the emotional challenges of SIF.

PHASE One: In Phase One I am in my own personal hell. The taste is rather sour. I am in the deep, dark pits of SIF and feel as though I am unlikely to get out anytime soon. I feel alone, isolated from friends and family, yet at the same time desperate for someone to understand the horrific emotional pain I am feeling. I have withdrawn into myself so the outsider would typically have no idea that I am actually suffering. This is particularly difficult when I'm faced with MOTS and MOTs-to-be. I really don't want to hear anything at all about life as a MOT or a MOT-to-be at this time. Please spare me the details if you can, as my heart is breaking into a million pieces as we speak. And for fear that details won't be spared, you may find that I will avoid all contact with MOTs and MOTs-to-be as much as possible. I'm not doing this because I don't like you or don't care anymore. I'm doing it as a means of self-protection.

The crux of Phase One is a sense of hopelessness. I may have been triggered by a process to do with my infertility that has sent me reeling. Perhaps a treatment just failed, I might be waiting for my next appointment or may be waiting anxiously to see if AF will arrive. No matter how hard I try, my infertility woes consume me at this time. What can you do as a friend or family member? Give me the space I need. Don't waste your time throwing me a life buoy as I'm unlikely to catch it. But don't worry, I will be out of this phase again before long.

PHASE Two: I enter Phase Two when I have emotionally exhausted myself (once again) with Phase One. I've had enough of my "stinking thinking" and just want to let go of the whole SIF deal for a while. I'm a bit mono, a bit bland in Phase Two. It's a time of regrouping and refueling my mind, body and soul as I have just depleted most of my resources while in Phase One.

When I'm here I don't necessary have hope that things will work out for me on the baby-making front; I just want to think about something else. At this time I may attempt to focus on other things outside of SIF. I don't want to talk about SIF as I have just bored myself to tears for the last few days/weeks/months analysing every miserable aspect of my very miserable predicament. So best you don't bring it up if possible. Or perhaps ask if I want to talk about. Phase Two is like a respite from SIF. I'm neither here nor there with it - neither terrified that baby number two isn't coming (as per Phase One) or optimistic that baby number two is on the way - eventually (as per Phase Three).

PHASE Three: This is the safe time for friends and family to connect with me around SIF. You may even get a voluntary debrief of where I'm at in the SIF game. There is an element of sweetness to Phase Three - it's as good as it gets within SIF. I'm almost walking on air. Perhaps a new treatment is in the wings. Or maybe I'm just feeling quite positive. God has the plan and the time-table around baby number two's arrival here - and I have the patience. SIF seems almost bearable in this phase - and somehow makes sense. In this phase I can see all the lessons I have learnt and am meant to keep learning at this time. How lucky I am to have these spiritual lessons and emotional challenges. If it wasn't for SIF, would I be so enlightened? But be warned - this is typically the shortest phase of all that I'm in. If you don't keep track, before you know it, I'll be back in Phase One.

And FYI - I'm in Phase Two at the moment. :)

Sex And The City: The Movie

I went to see the Sex And The City (SATC) movie last night and loved it! Yep, I was a big fan of the tv series and really enjoyed seeing all the characters on the big screen. Loved the sound track too.

WARNING: Spoiler alert in this paragraph if you haven't seen the movie!! However although I was rapt that Charlotte got pregnant naturally after her infertility struggles, it annoyed me slightly that she claimed it was because she'd relaxed and wasn't thinking about it that she fell pregnant. She'd adopted her first child and had let go of having a biological child. Okay so this "approach" has worked for some women - but it won't for every woman. All I'm saying is that it was no doubt quite a memorable statement for Charlotte to say, only adding fuel to the fire to us infertiles out there that we just need to relax, not think about it and it'll happen!!

I know, it was only a movie, light-entertainment, a fictional story and all that. That wasn't even really meant to be a big moan 'cos as I say, I loved the film. But I thought it warranted being pointed out, that's all.

Well it's bug central in our household. I got back from the SATC flick last night to a sick husband and daughter. So I didn't go to my Sunday job/work today. It's 11.30am and I'm in my PJs as I've been having cuddles in bed with my daughter. It's the first sleep-on I've had in three years! I was up quite a lot of the night, however. She's sleeping soundly right now. There are so many bugs doing the rounds at the moment. Hopefully this is the last of them for a while for us.

I get knocked down but I get up again...

Ok I've decided this is my new (just slightly cheesy!) SIF song! Do you remember it from the mid-nineties(ish), Tubhumping lyrics by Chumbawamba? It's a real drinking/party song. The chorus goes:

I get knocked down but I get up again
You're never going to keep me down
I get knocked down but I get up again
You're never going to keep me down
I get knocked down but I get up again
You're never going to keep me down

So I'm feeling a little better today, but still feeling the load of my SI woes. I've been reminded of how SIF affects the mind, body and soul so I've got to keep myself strong in a holistic sense so that I can get back up again each time I'm knocked down by another SIF set-back.

It has been a tough week because of my SIF stuff but also parenting-wise. As some who have followed by blog for a while will remember, my daughter went through some behavioural/social difficulties a few months ago. Things turned around - she's been great the last two or three months - until this week. She's back to her ways of lashing out at children a lot younger than herself - and sometimes her own peers. I know it's partly an age-thing: she's almost three and a quarter years old. And I know I've been through this before but I do wonder if her undesirable social behaviour coincides with my SIF slumps. I'm sure I haven't had a bad slump like this one this week for a few months - not since about the time we started having to nail my daughter's bad behaviour on the head. She is certainly Miss Three at the moment and I have been quite challenged this week by her lack of listening, uncooperative behaviour and the afore-mentioned social stuff. Sometimes I wish I felt during these challenging times of parenthood that perhaps one child was enough but no, silly me, I still pine, despite the fact my hair must be visibly turning grey some days parenting my preschooler!!

Today in town my daughter picked up a Dora The Explorer book called something like I'm The Big Sister. She did it on her own accord and opened it to the page that read: "Mummy's pregnant again. I'm going to have a baby sister" (words to that affect). I told her to put the book back as we were going to buy some colouring books. Does the God of my understanding have a sense of humour, or what?! Then at the check-out counter - there was the book again!! Either God felt like having a real laugh at me or perhaps, just perhaps, it was a wee sign from the universe to not give up hope. And no, I didn't buy it!

Are you getting enough sunshine?

Okay, the heading is kind of random. It's not linked to anything I'm about to write (I don't think!). It is written on a towel that was in my daughter's buggy yesterday. We took it out as a makeshift picnic blanket at the local campground. I've had the towel for years (I think it belonged to my parents originally) and I've never read it before. Up until now it's just been a crappy old retro towel. But I liked that: Are you getting enough sunshine?

I certainly can apply that to my life as an SI. I have been trying so hard to bring the sunshine into my life midst the trials and tribulations of SIF these lasts few months. Yet every now and then the big black cloud that can be SIF blocks out the sunshine and I feel as though I am drowning again.

That has certainly been the case these last few days. I know it's about several things: disappointment that I didn't ovulate in my 1st cycle post-op, another limbo-land phase of waiting for AF to turn up / waiting a wee bit longer before finding out if the gyno thinks I should be prescribed Provera and fear, lots of fear. There is a large part of me right now that believes this isn't going to happen for me. It doesn't feel doable right now. I know that sounds so negative and pessimistic but it's just where I'm at. I'll get out of this space again soon. (I hope).

I feel like SIF is like living with a death sentence some days. It feels like not being able to conceive again is the inevitable outcome. If so, I wish either God or myself would just pull the plug and discontinue this whole TTC ordeal. What is the point of all this waiting only to be told I can't have what I so desperately want?

I can't really give up though. I'm five weeks post-op today and didn't go through surgery for nothing. I need to see what happens next. Perhaps I do hold some small seed of hope amongst my pain and misery today!

I have been trying really hard to just carry on but my thoughts and feelings are dragging me down. I went to the gym last night which was good for me midst this SIF slump I'm in. I was on morning tea at Playgroup today and decided to put it out there and told the main teacher/organiser that I had been dealing with secondary infertility for the last 20 months. I said if she ever met anyone in my boat who wanted to talk to send them my way. I am half-thinking of putting up a notice at Playgroup about a SIF support group. I had thought about putting one in the local community paper ages ago but am now thinking the average SI is out there in fertility-infested waters so Playgroups etc are probably the best place to recruit. There isn't an IF support group here in Nelson and I don't feel comfortable setting one of those up. I don't know what it's like to have not conceived a child at all. But I certainly know what it's like to be plagued by the desire for another child.

Yesterday I went to visit a MOTH friend and I was feeling like crap. I didn't go into things hugely but she did comment it was hard to tell (I felt like that) as I always seem like I'm doing well. (words to that affect). She shared how hard it was to be weaning her third child off the boob - since this was her last one and now she'd have to look into contraception options. Clearly I don't have that to worry about!

If I know me (and I like to think I do, pretty well!) I need a cry. I've felt weighed-down by my SIF shit for the last three days. I do also know that these anovulatory cycles seem to affect my moods. I don't feel right at all when my periods are all up the wap.

So lots of bleating, whining and poor-me's going on this end. I have been praying off and on these last few days. I do like the below prayer though.
St. David's Infertility Prayer:
Thank you, Lord for all the blessings in my life. Help me to remember them as I face the challenges of infertility. I pray that I can surrender myself into your hands. Let me accept the reality of this situation and have the wisdom and courage to take action where I can. Strengthen my body, mind and spirit to endure the trials of infertility. Keep me ever mindful of the needs of others and grant us your peace. Amen.

Fertility and the mind-body connection

I got a book out of the library a few weeks back: The Fertility Solution. A revolutionary mind-body process to help you conceive. by Niriavi B. Payne & Brenda Lane Richardson. Last night I read a few chapters that seemed applicable to my case: (Chapter 7) Menstrual and Ovulation Irregularities: The emotional connection, (Chapter 9) Secondary Reproductive Difficulties:"Why can't I give my child a sister or a brother?" and (Chapter 2) Who Says I Am Too Old? : Good news on the fertility front and how baby boomers are breaking through maternal age barriers.

I haven't read the whole book but the crux seems to be about sorting out any emotional blocks that may be affecting fertility - these are to do with childhood, societal messages, finances, fears - anything, basically that you can think of that may be inhibiting your ability to get and stay pregnant. It all makes sense on some level but I don't feel completely sold. I do think my fertility problems are biological in nature. Even in the chapter about secondary infertility it's written "Many of my clients who have been able to identify and resolve their issues have broken through emotional barriers to have additional children; others have come to terms with not having another child, have adopted, or feel satisfied with the child they already have." Well hello hasn't the author just listed all the options us SI's have? Nothing new there, I don't think.

Yeah I'm angry today. Angry with God. In my heart I feel it is such a long shot conceiving another biological child. I feel like something hasn't been picked up with my case. "They've" always declared I could conceive with one ovary but then at the same time I was told I didn't have much of a window to do that in. Have I missed the boat? Am I in peri-menopause? And if so, can't someone figure that out and put an end to this? God, just let me go - let me move on from this SIF hell if there is no-where else for me to go.

Didn't ovulate 1st cycle post-op

I knew as soon as I saw the white envelope sitting on it's lonesome today in our letterbox that it was another letter from my gyno. This one was about the results from my day 21 (blood) progesterone test:

Dear Lynda,

Your latest day-21 progesterone level was only 2, which is much lower than we would expect for spontaneous ovulation. I therefore feel it is worthwhile your starting on Clomiphene and I have enclosed a prescription. Could you do a further day-21 progesterone level in your next treatment cycle. If you have any questions please don't hesitate to get in touch with me.

Kind regards,
Your sincerely

Xxxxx Xxxx

Argh! Although I knew I hadn't ovulated as per my last post, I feel a little bummed. So my surgery didn't magically fix things for me on the fertility-front. It feels as though I am back to where I was six, seven, even many more months than that, ago. Sigh. So now I'll have to wait for a bit to see if AF comes naturally - if not, I'm pretty sure the gyno will prescribe Provera.

I don't feel very positive at all about things today. Am I just barking up the wrong tree? Maybe I am just in peri-menopause as I feared/suspected from the onset of TTC for our second child. Oh well. I shall soldier on. The green light is still on for TTC#2 even though it feels as though most of the time I have been given a red light.

ADD-ON: My result for my 21 day progesterone test after my 1st round of Clomid in March was three. So post-surgery the numbers haven't budged at all: from three to two - they have lowered slightly in fact.

Waiting for AF

Well AF is three days late. And before you think anything, no a BFP is not a possibility as I haven't TTC since before my op (over four weeks ago). I have had some symptoms of an anovulotory (lack of ovulation) cycle this time round - the main one being sore boobs. It's a cruel twist, but anovulation symptoms are similar to pregnancy symptoms which is why I had a few BFNs months ago when I didn't know the difference.

So while most women who are TTC dread AF turning up, I am once again hoping she'll turn up! I'll wait a few more days/a week or so and if it looks like she's not coming, then will phone my gyno's surgery to see what the next step might be - perhaps Provera again, who knows.

I'm feeling much better physically today - my stomach bug has gone. I'm a little queasy still but not too bad. All I could stomach yesterday was toast and ice-cream. So hopefully my appetite will be back to normal today.

My husband and I watched Run Fatboy Run last night on DVD. It was pretty good. Although the message was about not running away (from life), it reminded me of my SIF marathon and how I need to keep myself healthy and well in mind, body and soul to keep going with it all. And how at the end of the day, I am the only one who can believe in me and trust in God throughout all this though the support of friends and family certainly helps.

A Dailystrength friend recently mentioned how she hadn't been told she actually couldn't have any more children, so she ought to be thinking more positively. I try to think along those lines too. It's like until the fat lady sings, this SIF party ain't over! (And the fat lady will be me, BTW - when I'm sporting a luscious bump once again!)

Stomach bug

A shortish post today as I'm not a hundred percent. My husband and I went out Saturday night to a 60th birthday celebration. It was good. We enjoyed it - and we were home by 10pm! I had a few drinks and I'm not much of a drinker so I felt quite seedy yesterday and thought it was a hang-over I had. Then I got home from work and felt progressively worse with a churning stomach - I had to make a very quick visit to the loo about 9.30pm tonight. I slept okay last night but my temperature is high this a.m, I'm achy all over and I feel like I'm going to be sick again. Sorry about the TMI!

I made it to four and half days of no television with my daughter. It was good, got me out of the habit of switching it on every morning for her. However today will no doubt be a bit of a tv day. It feels as though it will be a long one. It's never easy when you're sick and you have a child to look after.

Friend no. 2 phoned last night. She's going to be staying with us for three nights around my 40th birthday celebrations. We had a wee chat about IF and where we're both at. Sometimes I think she perhaps doesn't have an issue at all my SIF status - that it's my own guilt at having a child and wanting another while she hasn't conceived that gets to me.

Let me know if there's anything I can do

My MOT friend down the road has been told her mother will be dead within the month. Obviously that is one of the most devastating kind of news you could hear. She's coping so well, essentially caring for three people - her two under threes and her Mum (with the help of a couple of siblings). I ask every time I see her about where things are at - and they are always progressively worse. And each time I find myself saying Let me know if there's anything I can do... Every time I say it, the words reverberate back at me as my friend gives me a half-smile. We both know there's nothing I can do.

But it never hurts to offer, does it. I would rather these awkward attempts at helping than not saying anything for fear of saying the wrong thing.

I appreciate friends and family of the SI often feel the same. I just think at the end of the day both parties have to accept that the awkwardness, the inability to say the "right" thing, and the partial emotional estrangement are just part and parcel of the SIF package.

Through redefining my friendship with friend no.1 I have realised how uncomfortable I feel within my friendship with friend no. 2. Friend no.2 is normally an open book so if she really wanted to share her IF stuff with me on a deep level, she would. Clearly she's not comfortable given my SIF status - the fact I have a child already. But you know what, she's still trying to be the best friend she can outside of the parameters of IF. She sends my daughter birthday presents, texts regularly and is coming over to celebrate my 40th in a couple of months. Perhaps our friendship does have an unspoken awkward tone at the moment. It doesn't mean either of us care any less. If she needs space from me from time to time then I will give it to her. We've been friends for over fifteen years, hopefully that means we can cope with the odd respite if needed. There's a lot of history, and a lot of life parallels including facing IF at the same time albeit the different kinds of IF.

I've also realised the reason I put up some clear boundaries with friend no. 1 a few months back was as a coping mechanism. I wasn't coping with the pregnancy talk on many levels. In a way it protected her from any direct emotional lashing-outs. Now the gloves are off as such, I feel afraid I guess of what I might say in a bitter moment. It's all learning. I'll be okay. I'll find a way to make this work somehow.

From all I've read about IF and SIF, I would say the best thing you can do as a friend or family member is simply put it out there by saying Let me know if there's anything I can do. Even asking if the SI is comfortable sharing with where they at on a given day is another good way to go. And if you don't have the words, the SI knows on some level that you care - she is just incredibly frustrated that she feels isolated most of the time.

When you don't know what to do...pray!

Well, God's answer to turning around my MOT resentments is to simply pray. So I did a lot of that today at Playgroup. When I saw a MOT-to-be I tried to stop the jealous feelings from bubbling over and instead thought "bless that bump." Many prayers uttered today at Playgroup were along the lines of "bless that Mum and her two children". I felt a little better reprogramming myself like that. But I forgot to pray for the two MOTs exchanging tidbits on how different their two children are. I was too busy pulling the knife out of my heart. Okay, I'm a work-in-progress around this. Give me a frickin' break!

I am still reeling from the heart-to-heart email exchanges from yesterday between friend no. 1 and myself. I feel as though I was given an ultimatum (in a way) - either accept her pregnancy and her need to share about it from time to time - or accept the fact our friendship is in dire straits. I'm not sure. I'm not completely comfortable - I'm in a bit of a quandary. I won't go back on my word but I feel so vulnerable and exposed opening up our friendship again like this. It didn't feel perhaps entirely natural blocking out her pregnancy chat for a while but at least I knew it wasn't coming. It was the only relationship I had with a MOT-to-be where I knew the person well enough and was comfortable enough to admit that I couldn't handle the pregnancy talk.

I guess the hard thing for people to get is the average SI is bombarded with pregnancies and two-child families weekly as we already have a preschooler (if not an older child), and so are right bam, smack in the middle of ever-growing families. So after a week of MOT and MOT-to-be sightings I open up my email only to hear more pregnancy talk...

Just tonight a friend emailed to tell me about her pregnancy. I am happy for her, yes. However, I need to get a grip on my own emotions before I can email back congrats. I have shed tears on receiving her news. It is getting harder - not easier - to hear about pregnancies the longer I am in the TTC game.

Anyway, I am trying. I will keep praying, keep focusing on the Now. I had another tv-free day with my daughter today which equals three days of no tele! I am proud of me for that. The truth is, I guess I know I am a good Mum. I just have known that my SIF stuff has caused me to be emotionally unavailable to my daughter for a few months. Somehow taking tv out of her day means I have to be more focused on her which makes me more focused on my day and therefore on the Now - it works.

My husband has started a computer course tonight. I have to say, it's nice having some space to myself while my daughter sleeps - and gives me room to think. Perhaps that's why I shed some tears tonight. I have joked to him that I might start Chick-flick Thursdays as there are many DVDs I want to watch that he's not interested in.

A wake-up call

Over the last few days I have been working hard to turn my MOT resentments around. I have mainly being asking God for help as I am at a loss on how to live with this resentment that threatens to eat me up some days.

Living in the Now is the most powerful way of facing SIF that I know. Easier said than done when obsessional thoughts and fears around a second child basically consume me. But I am sick of this. Really sick of it. It is no way to live. My reactions around SIF have affected those I love and it is time to make amends.

So for the last two days I have been making amends to my daughter in the form of no television! That might not sound like much but I have felt like a bad-Mum for months now with the amount of television she watches. I have been using it a lot when I have been in a really bad space with SIF and haven't felt I could cope with her three-year old ways on top of that. But recently I bought a few audio CDs with fairy-tales on them and she loves them! She is listening to one right now while I blog. The TV will come back on again - I guess I just had to prove to myself and my daughter that I could be a more attentive, fun Mum. It's not like the tele was on all day - but for a couple of hours in the am and then maybe on for a bit while I cooked tea. But in those times I typically retreated into myself and my SIF shit so I know on some level I was really withdrawing from my daughter. So yesterday we went for a picnic to the beach which we both enjoyed, made banana cake, cleaned her bath toys and dolls house, and an older couple dropped in for a cuppa - it felt good.

This Saturday my husband and I are doing out for a date! - to his bosses wife's 60th party. We haven't had a date since a wedding we went to in March so it'll be good for us to get out. I am trying so very hard to give my marriage as much time and attention as possible. My husband has lost a big part of me to SIF whether he knows it or not.

I was planning to turn things around (if only in my head) with my husband and daughter first before moving on to friends no.1 and no.2 who I felt I also owed amends to. However friend no.1 jumped the gun and sent me a heart-felt email yesterday around how she feels about not being able to share her second pregnancy with me. It confirmed what I feared and already knew on some level- that our friendship is under threat unless I get a grip and find a way to deal with her MOT-to-be status. So I had to swallow my pride and emailed back that I'll have to get over it (SIF) one day so why not start now? Although I feel relief at hearing from friend no.1 as contact her end had been dwindling, I feel like the worst friend in the world at the moment. I am normally a selfless person who is totally there for people, willing to hear about anything they may be going through. But for the last six months I have found it virtually impossible to hear about her pregnancy so what she has implied about our friendship being one-sided is entirely true.

Sigh. So now I'm a crap friend as well as a SI. All along I've been doing the best I could with friendships, however. Most friends cannot empathise and I've mainly accepted that. It is just these two friendships - one with a MOT-to-be and the one with a PI (friend no.2) that have been so very challenging because fertility is part of the equation.

Friend no.2 is travelling from another country to come to my 40th which means soooooo much to me given that she's going through the worst time right now with PI. I hope we will get some opportunities for some one-on-one time - we haven't seen each other for well over two years.

Anyway, we're off to Playgroup shortly. I know I whinge a lot about that place and all the MOTs and bumps etc. But actually I've met some brilliant people there. I will see a couple of Mums who were at The Sex And The City party (one hosted it) today so it will be fun to have a laugh about that.

I went back to the gym last night and went on the bike for about half an hour, did a few crunchies, then went in the sauna. My husband said I came back with a bit of colour in my face (mainly from the sauna!). It's true - I have looked pale and lacking in my usual glow post-op. But it's four weeks post-op today and I'm feeling good. :)

The Resentment Prayer

I have been feeling so challenged about my MOT resentments lately that I googled resentment and secondary infertility. As awful as it is to feel like this, it is reassuring that it is a normal process of SIF - I am not just being a jealous bitch! However, I don't want to feel like this. I'm hoping The Resentment Prayer as below will help me with this:

Resentment Prayer

The AA Big Book gives a great strategy for dealing with and overcoming resentment. Pray a resentment prayer for someone you resent for two weeks (even if you don't feel like it or want to) and see what affect it has on you. Ask for everything you want in your life for the person/s you resent. Below is a prayer I came across, author unknown, that I have used when I identify resentments I want to address.

Father, I ask You to bless (insert name of person for whom you are holding resentment). Show them a new revelation of Your love and power. Holy Spirit, I ask You to minister to their spirit at this very moment. Where there is pain, give them Your peace and mercy. Where there is self-doubt, release a renewed confidence through Your grace. Bless their homes, families, finances, their goings and their comings. In Jesus' precious name, Amen. (sourced from The Genesis Project)

The below is an extract from an article Your biological clock is ticking by Dr Miriam Stoppard. It is proof to me that these crazy feelings that come with SIF are experienced by most women going through the same thing.

Infertility roller coaster

AS I can attest, emotional effects of secondary infertility are identical to those of primary infertility.

Women being treated for secondary infertility are just as depressed and anxious as women who don't already have a child.

Moreover, people with secondary infertility have to cope with emotional issues not faced by childless patients. Here are a few of them:

GUILT: Many people feel guilty because they feel they should be grateful for the child they have. They are grateful, but that doesn't take away the longing for another. This desire is just as urgent, desperate and all-consuming as it was the first time around.

JEALOUSY AND RESENTMENT: Normally rational people often find it difficult to think clearly about infertility; the pain, longing and frustration simply overwhelm logic. It's easy to be jealous of every pregnant woman and resentful of every woman with a new baby.

ANGER: Some parents get really angry when people fail to understand the way they feel and get tired of people telling them to be thankful for the baby they have.

LETTING YOUR FIRST BABY DOWN: Questions from your first baby can be tough, sometimes innocently adding to your heartache. One of the most poignant experiences is when your child begins to ask if they can have a brother or sister.

You feel you're letting your first child down. Your first child can make you think twice about treatment. If you're already a parent, it's hard to justify the high cots of infertility treatment.

EMOTIONAL ISOLATION: Secondary-infertile couples often find themselves in a kind of no-man's land. As parents already, they can get short shrift from the infertility clinic, which is apt to see them as ungrateful for the child they have.

And if you're the parent of a small child, it's difficult to avoid pregnant women and newborn babies everywhere you go. You feel isolated at playgroup and mother and baby clinics.

Riddled with resentment

You know I really do get sick of myself and my green-eyed monster tendencies towards any MOTs I know. Of course it's not about the fact that a woman is a Mum-of-two. It's about the fact that she can conceive easily - and I cannot.

Today at Playgroup I overheard two MOTs discussing the "very difficult decision" as to whether or not they ought to have a third child. I appreciate that any addition to the family should be carefully considered. It is a big decision. Imagine having to think about not having children though. I haven't had to think along those lines since my singleton days. I cannot help but feel peeved with my own fertility at this time - that conceiving unplanned children isn't even in the picture.

I heard another MOT and a MOF-to-be comparing labour tales today at Playgroup. The MOF is due with her fourth child within the week. A natural discussion, of course. I just cannot imagine what that must be like - being able to compare the births of two or more children. It's just so normal. That's what woman are meant to do - churn out babies. So why can't I?

Today a Mum on the committee for the Kindy my daughter is enrolled at said the average age for getting in now is three and a half. That means my daughter may not get in til September! In New Zealand the average age for children to get into (afternoon) Kindy is three years old but they are all autonomous - some get in before three, some closer to four. It's to do with teacher ratios and when the older (morning) Kindy children start school.

I'm actually okay with my daughter perhaps not going to Kindy for a bit longer. I just think well, if she is going to be my only child, then I ought to just embrace this at-home time with her. I do already cherish this time. I always have. I have genuinely enjoyed three plus years as an at-home Mum right from the start. Yes I have been challenged and exhausted at every stage of motherhood. And sometimes even bored. But I have never wanted to give up my at-home Mum status.

As my daughter gets older we are able to go on more mother-daughter adventures so I think I ought to make the most of this pre-Kindy time. She is well socialised and confident around children so I'm not worried about her missing out on any particular experiences or being socially stunted. I just have to be creative around keeping our days interesting and varied.

But that means a few more months of Playgroup and Music. Sigh. I know, I ought to just get over myself but it just is incredibly painful for this SI to watch other families continually grow as mine stagnates. I don't want to be riddled with resentment. Some days I'm not. But a lot of the time I am. It's not a nice way to be. It just helps to remind myself that it's not about the woman who have what I want - it's about me being afraid that I will not get the second child I desire.

And why do I desire a second child so much? It's crazy really! I love motherhood - especially being an at-home Mum. But I need my space. I like working a day outside of the house - and having the gym to go to. There are lots of negatives really around having a second child such as stretched finances, less time for myself etc - yet I don't seem to be able to talk myself out of it. I wish I could though some days. I wish I could just say well, it's perhaps not meant to be so why don't I just forget about it. It would be so much easier if I could think like that and just move on. Maybe one day I will. But I'm not there yet.

SIF and it's affect on relationships

As any SI will attest, SIF has the potential to pollute even the strongest of relationships. Because so much of my time and energy goes into keeping afloat while dealing with SIF; I don't have a whole lot to give to those I love and care about. It worries me. I have historically being the one in the majority of my relationships who has kept things rolling.

Because SIF is such a big part of who I am right now, it is difficult maintaining friendships on a light level. It is probably my close friendships where this is most apparent rather than casual friendships or acquaintances out there who don't know me so well. I am afraid that SIF will drive an ugly wedge between me and two of my close friends in particular (if it hasn't already).

As friend no.1's pregnancy looms closer, I find it harder to deal with her impending MOT status (on some level). I feel we've lost some emotional closeness because of SIF and that upsets me. I can't and shouldn't project too much into the future but what say I cannot conceive another child? I'm pretty sure I will find any MOTs quite painful to be around for a while, no matter how close I am to them. But I'm not there yet. I'm still in with a chance so I ought to just believe that for now.

I am scared for friend no.2 who has been TTC her first child for well over two years. What if she can't conceive at all? I'm afraid that infertility will impact our friendship long-term. Just like with friend no.1, some of the emotional closeness has disappeared from our friendship. It might only be subtle but I feel it. It is not fair that my close friendships have altered as a consequence of SIF.

SIF is not good for a marriage either. It's subtle in nature as to how SIF is affecting our union but it is. I certainly don't want to imply there is anything majorily wrong just that SIF (like any crisis) highlights the strengths and weaknesses in a marriage. I have read that IF is one of the most stressful things a marriage could face. If you can survive IF, you can survive anything. With SIF you have the stress of parenthood combined with IF which is an interesting dynamic. Between looking after your child and focusing on TTC the next one, there isn't much time and energy left to nurture what should be the most important thing of all - your marriage.

I guess right now I am missing the emotional closeness I used to have with some very significant people in my life. I hope this is just temporary - that once SIF is over things can hopefully resume to normal. I need to make more of an effort perhaps to draw closer to those I care for deeply as I don't want to lose any of them more than I have already if I can help it.

How many children do you have?

Last night I went to a Sex And The City party a MOT I know was hosting. It was lots of fun. The idea was to come dressed as one of the characters. I started out dressing up as Miranda then decided to go as Carrie...but ended up winning a prize for Miranda! Go figure! The prize was very generous - lots of Avon cosmetics, basically. I'm not much of a drinker these days so had two cosmopolitans and two glasses of champers while nibbling on sushi. And I was home by 11pm! I left about the time some of the party-goers were getting quite drunk. Also I went back to work today - my first day since my op and didn't want to be too tired or hung-over.

I knew a few Mums at the party as there are a few of us that go to the same local music group and playgroup here in Tahuna. But the question came up. A few of us Mums were standing around, some who knew each other, some who didn't so it was the SI's favourite question: How many children do you have? All the Mums except me replied "two". When I said "one" I did get a "oh" in response.

Socially SIF is just a little awkward to deal with. When out I want to just enjoy the moment and forget about SIF. But children are a natural part of any conversation in a party made up primarily of parents. So I guess it's inevitable that the how many children question should come up. Perhaps I should have gone as Charlotte. She was the character in SATC who was facing infertility issues, afterall.

There was a MOT at the party I know from another era - from my hometown Wellington, in my superfit gym days. She's a nurse and we started talking about operations. She asked if I wanted any more children to which I replied "absolutely". Then she said how lucky I was to have my daughter given the saga with my torted ovary. It could have been worse - I could have lost my ovary before I TTC, is what she was implying. True. But I'm sorry, I find it hard to be soothed by MOTs at the best of the times - let alone at a party when I've had a few drinks and my true feelings are at risk of spilling over.

Anyway, I had a good time and it was fun dressing up for the party. Today went well at work. I took it easy and mainly felt okay. I am looking forward to heading back to the gym this coming week! I can't wait!