Finding a happy (?) medium

I guess where I'm at these days is trying to find the middle ground within SIF. I no longer want to be obsessed about another baby, yet at the same time, I am still TTC (or more correctly, TTO) so naturally some of my time and energy is consumed by SIF.

I think I'm getting there. Some minor changes I've made to my week have helped. Just logging into Dailystrength in the weekends has been good for me. It takes a while to catch up with all my friends journals within the secondary infertility community, but I cherish this connection I have with women on the other side of the world who are going through the same thing. It has been a sanity-saver meeting these women and I will continue to contribute to Dailystrength, even if it isn't on a daily basis.

Giving myself permission to be honest with myself and admit I have been really struggling with my daughter's Playgroup was significant for me. I have felt so much better just going once a week, rather than twice a week.

I've been a bit more open this week around SIF "out there". A MOT friend at Music yesterday asked how I was so I told her I was devasted by SIF. I shared that I felt I was close to getting some answers and I was bracing myself for the worst outcome. I think she was kind of shocked to get that response but I was feeling kind of crappy. Plus a couple of MOTs that go to the same Playgroup were also at Music and were recapping the MOFs child-birth story from a couple of days ago - about how she "controlled" the birth of her fourth child. It was too much, I felt as though I was about to explode and was almost going to excuse myself and get up and leave!

I also phoned the MOT yesterday who'd recommended Fertility Associates to say I was going to a free fertility information evening with them in a couple of weeks. I had a wee chat to her about the cost and apparently some of it is funded (as I read on the web site). So we shall see.

I never heard back from the Dr yesterday - my gyno's receptionist had suggested I phone her to get a script for Provera since my gyno is away til Wednesday. I kind of think oh well, I'll just get the script next week. I'm in this space of recognising I need to do some extra footwork around TTO/TTC but at the same time am trusting God's timing. I really felt I was meant to have a wee break from TTO post surgery. I wasn't up to it all a couple of weeks ago. But I'm feeling much stronger in body, mind and soul now.

I went to Bodyjam (hip-hop dance class) last night and I am soooo sore! Man is it a hard class! There's a half hour intro and then the actual class is an hour. But often I'm well and truly warmed up after the intro. It's such a feel-good class. I do love it so.

I've applied for one home-based opportunity and have enquired about two others this week. I'm feeling proud of me for really making an effort to carry on with my life at this time. I feel as though I am operating in the middle ground of SIF. I just hope I can stay here.