Introducing Phase Four

To recap briefly, I recently revealed The Merry-Go-Round Of SIF that I go through:
Phase One: in which I am in the depths of SIF despair.
Phase Two: in which I'm over thinking about SIF.
Phase Three: in which I'm optimistic that a baby is on the way for me eventually.

I have driven myself crazy swinging between these three states over the last twenty-one months. In none of these Phases was I truly able to hand my baby wishes over to God so inevitably ended up feeling miserable when a BFP was definitely not in the wings as per Phase Three and then would end up back in Phase One, with my tail between my legs.

Phase Four: In this Phase I am on my knees. I have made a decision to hand my baby wishes over to God, trusting Him with the outcome. I am moving to a place of acceptance that perhaps a second child might not be in Gods plans for me. It is about facing reality and embracing my life as it is today. That means moving on from a state of waiting for a much-wanted child to arrive and living in limbo. It is a devastating process to go through as it is about giving up a dream. Although I am still in the TTC for number two game, I have to carry on as if a baby isn't coming. After months of living and breathing SIF, it isn't easy letting go of obsessional thoughts. It is time to make room for life outside of SIF. I feel as though I am experiencing a death and the grief is at times unbearable. But I've had moments of peace, moments of clarity. The only way I can survive SIF is by letting go and letting God. I plan to stay in this Phase until the day God declares I either can or can't have any more children. It could be a long road. I suspect I will at times be extremely vulnerable around MOTs and MOTs-to-be. It is advisable to check in with me before disclosing too many details at this time.