It seems to be working, surrendering my baby dreams to God. I guess I have grappled with handing over baby number two for so long because I wanted it to happen so badly for us. There was definitely a bit of a power struggle going on between me and God! It feels as though I have untightened my grasp. My fingers have loosened, and I may eventually let go completely of trying to control my MOT hopes and dreams.
What I've been thinking these last few days is that the future might actually look a bit different to what I had hoped. I believe God only wants the best for me - but perhaps this is as good as it gets on the family front for us. Our family might actually be complete already, as far as God is concerned.
It certainly helps to think along those lines as up until now I've felt like I've been living with the ghost of baby number two. This very much wanted second child affected just about every thought and decision I had.
I'm feeling a bit better but my glands are swollen and my throat is killing me. It has been a good week to surrender baby number two to God as I haven't taken my daughter to any of her activities this week with our joint bugs. So I haven't seen any MOTs or MOTs-to-be which has been quite timely while I've been doing some soul-searching around SIF.
I have made the evenings all about self-care this week. I have been enjoying hot baths the last couple of nights and tonight am going to watch Chicago while my husband is out at his course.
It has been so nice these last few days being able to be present in the quiet moments that are offered to me. I have actually felt peace at these times. I have felt that I will be okay if another baby doesn't come. But until I'm told that's not a possibility, I will continue to allow God to take care of all that for me. I have been living in a state of grief for so long. Until the day comes when I may find out I can't actually have any more children I will believe I can. I can grieve my dream when it's a sure thing it's not going to happen. It has been such a waste of time and energy grieving something that may end up happening anyway.
1 comment:
I understand how you feel. We're about to start our IVF cycle, but I am trying to remind myself that nothing is guaranteed and trying to remind myself all the good things I have today.
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