Over the last few days I have been working hard to turn my MOT resentments around. I have mainly being asking God for help as I am at a loss on how to live with this resentment that threatens to eat me up some days.
Living in the Now is the most powerful way of facing SIF that I know. Easier said than done when obsessional thoughts and fears around a second child basically consume me. But I am sick of this. Really sick of it. It is no way to live. My reactions around SIF have affected those I love and it is time to make amends.
So for the last two days I have been making amends to my daughter in the form of no television! That might not sound like much but I have felt like a bad-Mum for months now with the amount of television she watches. I have been using it a lot when I have been in a really bad space with SIF and haven't felt I could cope with her three-year old ways on top of that. But recently I bought a few audio CDs with fairy-tales on them and she loves them! She is listening to one right now while I blog. The TV will come back on again - I guess I just had to prove to myself and my daughter that I could be a more attentive, fun Mum. It's not like the tele was on all day - but for a couple of hours in the am and then maybe on for a bit while I cooked tea. But in those times I typically retreated into myself and my SIF shit so I know on some level I was really withdrawing from my daughter. So yesterday we went for a picnic to the beach which we both enjoyed, made banana cake, cleaned her bath toys and dolls house, and an older couple dropped in for a cuppa - it felt good.
This Saturday my husband and I are doing out for a date! - to his bosses wife's 60th party. We haven't had a date since a wedding we went to in March so it'll be good for us to get out. I am trying so very hard to give my marriage as much time and attention as possible. My husband has lost a big part of me to SIF whether he knows it or not.
I was planning to turn things around (if only in my head) with my husband and daughter first before moving on to friends no.1 and no.2 who I felt I also owed amends to. However friend no.1 jumped the gun and sent me a heart-felt email yesterday around how she feels about not being able to share her second pregnancy with me. It confirmed what I feared and already knew on some level- that our friendship is under threat unless I get a grip and find a way to deal with her MOT-to-be status. So I had to swallow my pride and emailed back that I'll have to get over it (SIF) one day so why not start now? Although I feel relief at hearing from friend no.1 as contact her end had been dwindling, I feel like the worst friend in the world at the moment. I am normally a selfless person who is totally there for people, willing to hear about anything they may be going through. But for the last six months I have found it virtually impossible to hear about her pregnancy so what she has implied about our friendship being one-sided is entirely true.
Sigh. So now I'm a crap friend as well as a SI. All along I've been doing the best I could with friendships, however. Most friends cannot empathise and I've mainly accepted that. It is just these two friendships - one with a MOT-to-be and the one with a PI (friend no.2) that have been so very challenging because fertility is part of the equation.
Friend no.2 is travelling from another country to come to my 40th which means soooooo much to me given that she's going through the worst time right now with PI. I hope we will get some opportunities for some one-on-one time - we haven't seen each other for well over two years.
Anyway, we're off to Playgroup shortly. I know I whinge a lot about that place and all the MOTs and bumps etc. But actually I've met some brilliant people there. I will see a couple of Mums who were at The Sex And The City party (one hosted it) today so it will be fun to have a laugh about that.
I went back to the gym last night and went on the bike for about half an hour, did a few crunchies, then went in the sauna. My husband said I came back with a bit of colour in my face (mainly from the sauna!). It's true - I have looked pale and lacking in my usual glow post-op. But it's four weeks post-op today and I'm feeling good. :)
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