Riddled with resentment

You know I really do get sick of myself and my green-eyed monster tendencies towards any MOTs I know. Of course it's not about the fact that a woman is a Mum-of-two. It's about the fact that she can conceive easily - and I cannot.

Today at Playgroup I overheard two MOTs discussing the "very difficult decision" as to whether or not they ought to have a third child. I appreciate that any addition to the family should be carefully considered. It is a big decision. Imagine having to think about not having children though. I haven't had to think along those lines since my singleton days. I cannot help but feel peeved with my own fertility at this time - that conceiving unplanned children isn't even in the picture.

I heard another MOT and a MOF-to-be comparing labour tales today at Playgroup. The MOF is due with her fourth child within the week. A natural discussion, of course. I just cannot imagine what that must be like - being able to compare the births of two or more children. It's just so normal. That's what woman are meant to do - churn out babies. So why can't I?

Today a Mum on the committee for the Kindy my daughter is enrolled at said the average age for getting in now is three and a half. That means my daughter may not get in til September! In New Zealand the average age for children to get into (afternoon) Kindy is three years old but they are all autonomous - some get in before three, some closer to four. It's to do with teacher ratios and when the older (morning) Kindy children start school.

I'm actually okay with my daughter perhaps not going to Kindy for a bit longer. I just think well, if she is going to be my only child, then I ought to just embrace this at-home time with her. I do already cherish this time. I always have. I have genuinely enjoyed three plus years as an at-home Mum right from the start. Yes I have been challenged and exhausted at every stage of motherhood. And sometimes even bored. But I have never wanted to give up my at-home Mum status.

As my daughter gets older we are able to go on more mother-daughter adventures so I think I ought to make the most of this pre-Kindy time. She is well socialised and confident around children so I'm not worried about her missing out on any particular experiences or being socially stunted. I just have to be creative around keeping our days interesting and varied.

But that means a few more months of Playgroup and Music. Sigh. I know, I ought to just get over myself but it just is incredibly painful for this SI to watch other families continually grow as mine stagnates. I don't want to be riddled with resentment. Some days I'm not. But a lot of the time I am. It's not a nice way to be. It just helps to remind myself that it's not about the woman who have what I want - it's about me being afraid that I will not get the second child I desire.

And why do I desire a second child so much? It's crazy really! I love motherhood - especially being an at-home Mum. But I need my space. I like working a day outside of the house - and having the gym to go to. There are lots of negatives really around having a second child such as stretched finances, less time for myself etc - yet I don't seem to be able to talk myself out of it. I wish I could though some days. I wish I could just say well, it's perhaps not meant to be so why don't I just forget about it. It would be so much easier if I could think like that and just move on. Maybe one day I will. But I'm not there yet.