Let me know if there's anything I can do

My MOT friend down the road has been told her mother will be dead within the month. Obviously that is one of the most devastating kind of news you could hear. She's coping so well, essentially caring for three people - her two under threes and her Mum (with the help of a couple of siblings). I ask every time I see her about where things are at - and they are always progressively worse. And each time I find myself saying Let me know if there's anything I can do... Every time I say it, the words reverberate back at me as my friend gives me a half-smile. We both know there's nothing I can do.

But it never hurts to offer, does it. I would rather these awkward attempts at helping than not saying anything for fear of saying the wrong thing.

I appreciate friends and family of the SI often feel the same. I just think at the end of the day both parties have to accept that the awkwardness, the inability to say the "right" thing, and the partial emotional estrangement are just part and parcel of the SIF package.

Through redefining my friendship with friend no.1 I have realised how uncomfortable I feel within my friendship with friend no. 2. Friend no.2 is normally an open book so if she really wanted to share her IF stuff with me on a deep level, she would. Clearly she's not comfortable given my SIF status - the fact I have a child already. But you know what, she's still trying to be the best friend she can outside of the parameters of IF. She sends my daughter birthday presents, texts regularly and is coming over to celebrate my 40th in a couple of months. Perhaps our friendship does have an unspoken awkward tone at the moment. It doesn't mean either of us care any less. If she needs space from me from time to time then I will give it to her. We've been friends for over fifteen years, hopefully that means we can cope with the odd respite if needed. There's a lot of history, and a lot of life parallels including facing IF at the same time albeit the different kinds of IF.

I've also realised the reason I put up some clear boundaries with friend no. 1 a few months back was as a coping mechanism. I wasn't coping with the pregnancy talk on many levels. In a way it protected her from any direct emotional lashing-outs. Now the gloves are off as such, I feel afraid I guess of what I might say in a bitter moment. It's all learning. I'll be okay. I'll find a way to make this work somehow.

From all I've read about IF and SIF, I would say the best thing you can do as a friend or family member is simply put it out there by saying Let me know if there's anything I can do. Even asking if the SI is comfortable sharing with where they at on a given day is another good way to go. And if you don't have the words, the SI knows on some level that you care - she is just incredibly frustrated that she feels isolated most of the time.