Keeping an open mind

There was a moment in time this week when I let out a very primal scream during one of my crying sessions. It was as though God reached in and lifted my baby dreams out of my being and for a moment I felt as though I had been ripped apart. My baby dreams have been part me for so many months, it feels strange to let go of them. Now I'm not going to claim that I know it all - that I have SIF conquered for once and for all. I know I will still have my moments and I'm sure there are still many tears and frustrations to come. I am afterall still TTC # 2 child.

But something has changed. Handing my baby dreams to God was an act I have been trying to do for many months but never managed to do in entirety - in mind, body, and soul. I would say I had handed it all over to God but then would take the reins back as soon as I got frustrated or disappointment with His efforts. Obviously with SIF I will have to do some footwork. I do have to do things to help myself during this time. It's the control aspect I am talking about giving up here, that's all.

I don't think there's an easy cure for SIF - every SI is only doing the best she can to survive with what she knows. We are all coping the best way we know how, and that is always just a work-in-progress. All I can do is think back to other challenging times in my life and be reminded that it is only when I hand it all over to God that I can hope for some peace and begin to feel engaged in life again.

Since my shift in thinking, God has showed me some possibilites for the near-future. They include retraining or even going back to work full-time. My husband and I have discussed switching roles - so that he could perhaps become the house husband and I could go to work. I am just going with the flow and watching to see where I'm being directed. In many ways it would break my heart to lose my at-home Mum role as I had always thought I'd be the one taking our daughter to Kindy for the first time, school to the first time etc. I know I've just had a very hard week of parenting while the two of us have been sick but for the most part, I really do enjoy my role.

SIF has put a real strain on being an at-home Mum and perhaps being out of the Mummy circles wouldn't be a bad thing for me. Perhaps it would have huge benefits for all of us if I returned to work. Obviously I could still get pregnant but I can no longer let that possibility hold me back in my life.

Who knows. I may not end up changing anything. Like I say, I am just keeping an open mind. I am listening to God.