Well, God's answer to turning around my MOT resentments is to simply pray. So I did a lot of that today at Playgroup. When I saw a MOT-to-be I tried to stop the jealous feelings from bubbling over and instead thought "bless that bump." Many prayers uttered today at Playgroup were along the lines of "bless that Mum and her two children". I felt a little better reprogramming myself like that. But I forgot to pray for the two MOTs exchanging tidbits on how different their two children are. I was too busy pulling the knife out of my heart. Okay, I'm a work-in-progress around this. Give me a frickin' break!
I am still reeling from the heart-to-heart email exchanges from yesterday between friend no. 1 and myself. I feel as though I was given an ultimatum (in a way) - either accept her pregnancy and her need to share about it from time to time - or accept the fact our friendship is in dire straits. I'm not sure. I'm not completely comfortable - I'm in a bit of a quandary. I won't go back on my word but I feel so vulnerable and exposed opening up our friendship again like this. It didn't feel perhaps entirely natural blocking out her pregnancy chat for a while but at least I knew it wasn't coming. It was the only relationship I had with a MOT-to-be where I knew the person well enough and was comfortable enough to admit that I couldn't handle the pregnancy talk.
I guess the hard thing for people to get is the average SI is bombarded with pregnancies and two-child families weekly as we already have a preschooler (if not an older child), and so are right bam, smack in the middle of ever-growing families. So after a week of MOT and MOT-to-be sightings I open up my email only to hear more pregnancy talk...
Just tonight a friend emailed to tell me about her pregnancy. I am happy for her, yes. However, I need to get a grip on my own emotions before I can email back congrats. I have shed tears on receiving her news. It is getting harder - not easier - to hear about pregnancies the longer I am in the TTC game.
Anyway, I am trying. I will keep praying, keep focusing on the Now. I had another tv-free day with my daughter today which equals three days of no tele! I am proud of me for that. The truth is, I guess I know I am a good Mum. I just have known that my SIF stuff has caused me to be emotionally unavailable to my daughter for a few months. Somehow taking tv out of her day means I have to be more focused on her which makes me more focused on my day and therefore on the Now - it works.
My husband has started a computer course tonight. I have to say, it's nice having some space to myself while my daughter sleeps - and gives me room to think. Perhaps that's why I shed some tears tonight. I have joked to him that I might start Chick-flick Thursdays as there are many DVDs I want to watch that he's not interested in.
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