Being kind to myself

Since I made the decision not to log into Dailystrength for a few days, my time has freed up considerably. Although I do think connecting with women going through SIF on a daily basis has healed me in some respects - it has also hindered me. I have really valued having a place to go to where I'm "got" around all this SIF stuff. However it has meant I have put a lot of time and energy into talking and thinking about SIF. I guess I really needed to talk and talk and talk about it for a while. Now I'm thinking taking a break from talking about it, even if it is just a few days, will be the best thing for me.

I have a lost a little weight since my surgery five and a half weeks ago. I'm not a size zero or anything, but too thin for me. I'm happy being a size 10/12 and don't like the fact my jeans are hanging off me at the moment. I think I lost some of the abdominal bloating I had pre-op so that partly explains the bagginess around my waist. Post-op I've been pale and a little spotty - I just don't feel like my healthy self. I know it's Winter here in New Zealand but I feel like I've lost my Tigger bounce!

I went to bed before 9pm last night and will do the same for a few nights. I have been reading Stillness Speaks by Eckhart Tolle which is a great book for me to read at this time. I have referenced this book before on this blog. It is simply about doing what the title suggests - being in the moment and letting go of any thoughts that are rattling around.

I recognise that I hurt me this time round in my latest Phase One of SIF. I let my thoughts tell my SIF story and they aren't even accurate. I definitely lost the plot and perspective. My thoughts became bigger than my reality. No wonder I felt so down. I guess now I know I go through these three phases I can perhaps work on some new coping skills. Of course I'm allowed to feel down and disheartened - but I'm sure I don't need to feel quite as consumed by SIF as I have been at times.

I had an awareness yesterday that I am very angry at my body. I didn't realise I held this anger - basically I am peeved that my body isn't doing what it's meant to be doing - ovulating. However I have been thinking maybe my body is weak and needs a time-out from my SIF thinking. It's almost like now is a time of forgiveness for my body - it is just simply doing what it's meant to be doing.

I feel as though I have being in a fertility-race since I joined Dailystrength about six months ago. All of us SI's on there just want to get a BFP - as soon as possible. But I've decided to not phone my gyno surgery this week to find out about Provera to kick-start my period (it is now 11 days late). I'm going to just go with the flow for a week or two. If AF arrives in the next few days, I will start Clomid. If not I will wait for a bit. I'm going to believe that for now, AF is not meant to come.

I feel yesterday I was able to connect with my body on a deep level and ascertain that actually my body needs a rest right now from thinking about TTC - and so does my mind.