I do feel like I've been coping with SIF a bit better recently. Oh sure, I've had the usual mix of volatile feelings, but I don't think those will ever disappear completely during my time as a SI. I just feel as though I have freed up some of the energy that had been consumed by SIF by changing a few things in my week. I am trying to check into Dailystrength just once a week or just in the weekends. I miss my online friends but I think it's been much better for me having a few days in a row where I don't go there too much around SIF. I made a decision to drop one Playgroup session a week (we used to go twice a week) and that has been really good for me. I feel as though I am a little more disconnected to Playgroup now that we aren't there so much. I don't feel as though I belong in the world of MOTs right now so it has been really freeing giving myself permission to let go of one of our Playgroup sessions.
Accepting Gods will around SIF has been huge for me. I still do not like the fact that another baby isn't in the wings, or might not ever be. But somehow accepting that God has it sorted, that I need to accept for now at least I am a MOO has given me the power to carry on with my life as it is today. It does feel like my world is opening up as a consequence.
I did my first class at the gym in seven weeks last night and it felt good! I'm now seven weeks post-op and I said to myself "I'm back!" after I did Bodycombat last night - the martial arts, kickboxing class. It's quite an aggressive class but I love it! It's just the best for SIF stress! So I'm looking forward to going back to Bodyjam on Friday night which is a hip-hop dance class and loads of fun.
There have certainly been different phases throughout my SIF journey. At one point I could barely make it through the day so had to work hard to get myself out of that space, then I couldn't see beyond my present so I had to create some short-term goals such as joining the gym, and getting a weekend job which helped move me out of SIF overwhelm and now I'm able to look at the bigger picture - just carrying on with life really, as best as I can.
Who knows what changes will be made in my life now that SIF isn't my one hundred percent focus. I'm a bit undecided about full-time work but am buying the Wednesday and Saturday papers to see what is out there. I have three home-based opportunities to look into so am going to devote some time today to look into those. The bottom line is rather than putting a whole lot of energy into something that may not happen - TTC another child, I may as well put my time and energy into something concrete such as a few more part-time work hours in my week.
Despite the feelings that still flare up most days, I do feel I am overall in a better place with SIF. I guess it's because I've handed the reins over to God. I finally got that I really cannot make another baby come along, no matter how hard I try. I am also able to look at MOTS and see it was Gods will for them to have two kids, whereas it might be Gods will for me to have "just one." It hurts, it really hurts. But I cannot walk around resenting MOTS forever.
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