Stress management

Well I joined my local Cityfitness gym last night and am pretty excited about that!

I've done two classes over the last week and have loved them both. The first was bodyjam which I did in Wellington recently as part of a Hen's Party. It is essentially a dance class and is described as "the ultimate groove class". It's loads of fun and comes with a contagious feel-good factor. Last night I did bodycombat which I initially started doing eight years ago. It is a fast-paced workout that incorporates Martial Arts, Boxing and Aerobics. I tried bodycombat a couple of years ago when my daughter was quite young and just didn't have the energy to enjoy the class. Also, I just wasn't in the right space for going to gyms, preferring Yoga, Pilates and walks as gentle, nurturing forms of exercise.

When I am in stress mode like I am now with high anxiety levels, I do well with cardio exercise. And that has been confirmed over the past few weeks. I have felt soooooo good after an intense work-out, relishing the music, the class, the space to myself, and the feeling that I'm doing something good for myself.

There are a heap of classes available so I'm looking forward to trying a lot of them out as well as having a play in the weights area. If I'm in the mood for something a bit more mellow I can go to Bodybalance which I've also done before - it incorporates Hatha Yoga, Feldenkrais, Pilates and Tai Chi and is held in the Mind Body studio. So I won't be completely giving up Yoga (I've been doing that once a week for the last two NZ school terms). Last night when I looked around the gym I noted there was a sauna which I shall certainly use in the colder months!

I feel so much better having a new goal just for me! I was a gym bunny way back so I am not a stranger to the gym culture. Now as a Mum I appreciate how precious it is to have somewhere to go that is all about focusing on me, with other adults striving for similar goals and not a child in sight! There will be a creche in the future as the gym was only built recently.

I had to fill in a form as you do saying what my goals were and stress management is my ultimate aim. It will be good to get a bit more muscle definition but I don't need to lose any weight.

The gym is my out from family life - I can now literally escape to the gym if I need to let off a bit of steam. I am quite worried about flipping out on the Provera and/or the Clomid so hope the extra exercise will help with any mood swings I may have. I was reading about all the possible side effects of Provera yesterday when I picked it up from the chemist. Scarey, quite frankly. It cost $15.50NZ and came with a large information sheet. Interesting as the Clomid came with nothing. I will phone the receptionist at my gyno surgery this week to see if he's read the radiologist notes yet about the cyst found on my ovary in December.

I have signed up for a year at the gym but can either freeze my membership or transfer it/sell it to someone else if I need to but I do plan to keep going pregnant or not.

I was so hyped up after doing a 6.30pm gym class last night that I took a while to get to sleep and dreamt I got my period! A sad confirmation of how much this is all on my mind! ;)

Arghhh!

So I phoned the gyno this morning again, to talk to the receptionist as direct calls to my gyno don't seem possible at this stage. I wanted to check up about the cyst for once and for all and also to get some advice about the Provera. She just called me back about the notes from the radiologist that my gyno should have read by now - he never got them! The gyno hasn't read them yet another receptionist at the same surgery the week before last claimed he'd received them! I really don't feel comfortable with proceedings until I know one hundred percent for sure that the cyst has been cleared. Apparently I can take the Provera now since my monthly bleed was only spotting. So I will go and get the Provera today.

Today I am peeved about the fact I cannot talk directly to my gyno. I am not in a good place, anyway - exhausted, angry and sick and tired of this deal all over again. It really does my head in going round and round in circles. A member on Dailystrength described infertility as doing donuts over and over again. All one wants to do is drive in a straight line somewhere. No matter how hard I try, I keep coming back to here - this painful place of waiting.

I try to move forward in another ways in my life but seem to be taking such baby steps. I've been looking for part-time work but to no avail at this point. But the one goal from my three monthly goals I set a few weeks back is happening and that is to join the gym. I've done a couple of cardio classes over the past week and have enjoyed them and felt so much better after a cardio release so will be signing up today for that.

The can of worms that is secondary infertility is so tiresome. I want to put the lid on it all so badly, and to move on but I just keep getting pulled back into it. It is very much a case of two steps forward, and one back.

Today I need to remember
The Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change
The things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

Is she an only child?

My daughter's playgroup is the classic place for infertility faux pas. You'd think given that we're all Mums (and Dads) and have been through many of the same things with our initiation into parenthood and all, that the sensitivity levels would be relatively high. Not always so.

I think chances are if you are at a playgroup with the one preschooler, you probably haven't left the baby at home alone. Of course, for those that don't know me; I could have an older child. Who knows, anything goes these days. I have met Mums of all ages and my daughter's playgroup is made up primarily of thirty-something Mums who are in differing stages of motherhood since the age range is birth to five years.

I have to admit, I do ask the question myself when I see a Mum with one child who is around two or three years old. My curiosity gets the better of me and you never know; once I met a Mum in the same boat. I try to be as creative as possible when asking the question and no doubt have used the dreaded only-child description myself a few times in the midst of the chaos at playgroup.

Today I was sharing with a visiting Mum how my daughter appears to be ready for Kindy as she's getting bored some days hanging just with her Mum. It was at this point that she said:
"Is she an only child?"

Admittedly that got my back up somewhat. I only nodded but on the inside was seething a little. I don't like the only child label - it sounds so negative, somehow. Perhaps just because of what the label implies - that this poor wee child is sitting at home alone and unstimulated. And even though I try to make my daughter's weeks as social and as stimulating as possible; that is exactly where she's at today - a bit bored and a bit lonely.

I have Mother's Guild (MG) around not being able to supply her with a sibling. Another sibling is more than just a playmate. It is about companionship and family. There are many crucial lessons to be learnt from having a sibling - sharing, that Mum has someone else's needs to attend to, that we're all unique individuals, looking out for one another, and someone to hang and (fight!) with.

Even though I can find many positives for the one-child family; I do feel there is so much to be lost from not having a sibling. I don't mean the one-child family is a bad thing. Not at all. I know many healthy examples of this. Yet, until the door is closed on my dream of two children; I will continue to be plagued by my desire to have it fulfilled.

To this day I remain haunted by the words of a woman from my antenatal class, upon hearing the news that the first Mum in our group was pregnant with her 2nd child:
"They'll be a proper family."

For a whole lot of reasons, this is how I feel too. The older my daughter gets, the more obvious is her one-child status. I do feel like she is missing out and all the playdates in the world won't replace what is an innate need, I believe, to be part of a two-child (or more) family.

Isn't it time you had another one?

A conversation on a hot Summer's day first thing this morning with an older gentleman who doesn't know me so well...

"How old's your daughter?"
"Almost three"
"Must be time you had another one then."

It's not the first time someone who hasn't known my "situation" has uttered those words and no doubt won't be the last. The interesting part is my reaction - it's very much indicative of where I'm at.

This morning I joked, and agreed with the comment. I made light of it since I'm in a light place with it all right now. And as far as small-talk goes; it was a relatively normal question to ask.

However there have been many times when my response has been a lot more aggressive, where I have had an Ally McBeal type fantasy, and I wanted to either strangle the person who asked me or scream at them about their obvious insensitivity.

Today I appreciated the man in his sixties who asked was just making conversation. I didn't take it personally whereas I have many times in the past.

Perhaps I need to design a mood badge, t-shirt or bumper sticker range with the following options that I could wear depending on where I'm at on any given day:
1. "Problems TTC my 2nd child so don't go there!!"
2. "Mother of one. Next question?"
3. "Yes I have just the one child, and not by choice"
4. "No I'm still not pregnant..."
5. "Yes I do want another child, so let's just move on shall we"
6. "Infertile woman. Please keep all adoption comments to yourself"
7. "Praying for another shot at motherhood. All prayers appreciated"
8. "TTC another baby. Today I need a hug."
9. "Fertility challenged. Tread very, very carefully"
10. "Yes I want another child. It's in Gods hands."

I'm sure there are many other versions; share them with me if you are feeling bold!

My ducks aren't all in a row

After feeding the ducks with my daughter in town earlier today, it occurred to me that my ducks aren't all in a row and I'm okay!

I am someone who prefers to know where she's going in life. I like my routines, am a schedule-nazi, and thrive on organising. I'm a Virgo; I'm meant to be a bit of a planner. Goal-setting is a big part of my make-up.

However this ride with secondary infertility has thrown all my ducks into disarray. I can't plan much at all while my life is in slow-motion. I have been trying to put my ducks in a row for months and it has been fruitless, to put it mildly. From the outside, and also from my own naval-gazing; it looks as though I'm going nowhere. But that isn't true at all.

Lately I've clicked on a deep level that this is where my spiritual gifts are received, if I'm open to them. I am only going to emerge stronger, wiser, and closer to God as a consequence of enduring a great time of uncertainty. I can feel that happening already. Playing the waiting game certainly has it's spiritual benefits. I've grown spiritually in the past after handing some big stuff over to God. I am not new to God's crafty ways of getting me to stand up and listen.

While watching my daughter earlier today giggling while feeding the ducks; I realised I was in a state of peace. And that's something I haven't felt for a while. I seem to have lost that urgent need to get this all sorted out.

Yesterday I asked a pharmacist about the Clomid deal and taking it if I was only spotting and she, and another pharmacist weren't comfortable at all about discussing this with me and advised that I talk to my Dr. To which I replied I would - if the receptionist would forward my call! They said I ought to try harder....

Now this could have really ruffled my feathers but I decided to drop it and enjoy a gelato icecream with my daughter on the way home. I had spotting for three days and no period followed. I will wait another week and see what happens. I've been here before as my cycles are completely up the wop.

I'll try my Dr again over the next week. I really don't think I had implantation bleeding, so it's a question of when I should take the Proveria now to stimulate a fake period.

Ho hum. It's all a bit boring, actually! I'm just looking forward to a quiet night in tonight, hopefully spending some time with my hubby. I've been doing a freelance job all week so have been bum down, tail up most nights. And as I was away last weekend I feel as though we haven't seen much of each other at all.

Anyway, it feels good to be serene while my ducks are out of sequence. I'm trusting that God is lining them up for me in his own time and own way. It will be interesting to see what he comes up with!

Back to schooll!

Well, kind of. Here in New Zealand the main school holidays fall over Christmas. So in a couple of weeks primary and secondary students go back to school. A lot of preschool activities follow suit, so typically for us that is one loooooooong Summer without any "groups" to go to. Playgroup has the shortest recess - going back after just a four week break (thank the Lord!), and swimming and music don't start up again for another couple of weeks.

So this week Playgroup started up! We go twice a week - on a Tuesday and Thursday, so have been both times this week. Although it was nice to have a few weeks of cruising around Tahuna and going to the beach in the morning, I think both my daughter and I are relieved to be back into the swing of things. We did get a bit bored with each other in the end, proving to me that I could not be the type of Mum who stays at home most of the time. No siree, that would drive me insane. Luckily my daughter loves adventures and the outdoors as much as me so the beach has been our saviour over the last month.

I did brace myself for going to Playgroup this morning as a month ago there were several Mums about to pop with second babies. Sure enough, there were two newborns there today and one Mum due in three weeks with her second child. A few Mums there know my "situation" and so this week, between the two Playgroup visits I have been asked three times how things are going with trying for number two. I must have done enough venting/healing via this blog and Dailystrength to be feeling not so vulnerable now when the topic comes up.

Perhaps having the Clomid plan helps, but also having a lot more acceptance around things does too. I still have no idea how it's all going to pan out. But today I don't feel so bitter about it all. My heart-strings did tug a little when I saw the newborns and other Mum-of-two combos, but today I accept my lot. I guess I'm sick of fighting Gods will for me and will accept whatever comes my way at this point.

A BFN in the wings

It looks as though I'm going to have to take a pregnancy test before starting the Clomid. I have spotting going on which could possibly be implantation bleeding. Probably not, which means I'll get a BFN (big fat negative). I'll wait a couple of days to see if AF (Aunt Flo) arrives. The gyno said to do one if there was any possibility that I could be pregnant. I got hold of his receptionist today who said she'd talk to him about my referral notes and if there was anything I needed to know, she'd phone me. It's so hard to speak to Dr's directly - that irks me! She didn't phone me back so I'm guessing all is hunky dory.

Anyway, I'm pretty tired. Just did a bit of freelance work tonight. It's nice to have something to focus on/to be using my skills/to be making some money - eventually.

I have to be honest and say that I am a bit bored with the at-home gig at this point. And the feeling's mutual - I think my daughter is bored with me!! For so long we did so well, entertaining ourselves quite nicely with her groups and outings in the arvos. But I'm not enough for her anymore - she craves other children and other adults to bond with. Thankfully Kindy is just round the corner for her so she'll get her needs met and I'll get mine! The timing is perfect, really. I think we both need a schedule change this year after almost two years of the same classes.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have changed the last almost three years for anything. Overall I have loved being an at-home Mum. I just recognise that my daughter and I are starting to outgrow our situation and I think it's healthy that we've both ready for the next step.

Clomid on stand-by

I went to the chemist today and got my prescription for Clomid. $15.50NZ. Not too bad, I thought. That's for three rounds. So I have one packet with five biggish yellow pills ready and waiting for round one. They are 50mg which is apparently the lowest dosage. If that's not successful, I have two more scripts I can use which was included in the price.

I've had spotting today and am meant to start the Clomid on Day Two of my cycle, so depending on whether I get some kind of a period or not, I could be starting round one of Clomid in the next couple of days! I'm hoping to get in touch with my gyno tomorrow to check in about my cyst and the ultrasound so will ask then if spotting is considered to be bleeding. I don't think it is although my gyno did say light bleeding was acceptable. I tried to phone my gyno today but the surgery wasn't open.

It will be good if I don't have to take Provera. I'm quite terrified of taking Clomid and experiencing side-effects and to be honest thought I wouldn't be taking the Clomid til right at the end of the month - not (maybe) in the next few days!!

Just what the Dr ordered

I got back from my first ever childless whole weekend last night. As in two nights, two days! It was amazing. It was everything I thought it would be and more. It gave me the space to just "be", the opportunity to do lots of those pre-motherhood activities many of us Mums can only dream about, particularly in the space of a day (more about those soon!), time to hang with a close friend which is so incredibly rare, and a chance to be reminded of the woman I was before I signed up for the role of stay-at-home Mum.

Although it was good to have a change of scene, it wasn't as though the secondary infertility stuff got left completely behind. Put a group of women together and chances are high the topic of children will come up at some point. Even so, I managed to settle completely into my weekend away quite early in the piece and decided early on I would have as much fun as I could - not that I had to try in the end! At first it was odd to have left my daughter behind for that length of time, but I eventually got over that too.

Friday night I flew into Wellington airport and friend no.3 picked myself and another friend flying in for Hen's nights festivities from Wellington airport. We went into town for an icecream in a "real mall" and then headed back to friend no.3's house. Saturday morning we went for a walk in Plimmerton with the dog, and I spied a retro rocking-horse at a garage sale for $5NZ that I managed to bring back on the plane with me! I like to refer to these presents I get while away as my Guilt Presents (GP). But in actuality, it was a bargain and one that needed to be snatched up as well as something I wanted to get my daughter at some point.

The majority of women at the Hen's Party weren't Mums. So it was interesting being in a large group of women where the focus in their lives was on other things such as career, travel and house ownership. On one hand it was refreshing to hear stories about climbing up the corporate ladder and treks through Nepal, and the other hand a stark reminder of the limbo land of motherhood I'm currently in; seemingly not moving forward in any kind of direction.

But there was lots of fun to be had and it was all about sisterhood - it had nothing to do of course with where we all were at in our lives. We were all there for friend. no.3. Simple as that.

The Hen's party was launched with a noon bodyjam class at friend no.3's local gym. This was a dance/gym class and loads of fun! I did alright considering a lot of the moves are quite complex, and haven't done any cardio for a while. There were certainly many moments in which I got quite lost. I have the blisters and sore thighs two days later to prove that I survived the class!

Next was a tea-party. It was very civilised with tea in elegant tea-pots and little cakes served on platters outdoors in a cafe near the beach on a beautiful Wellington Summer's day (albeit some wind, but pretty good by Wellington standards). I fell off the wagon in that I had some regular tea (I have been off caffeine for a year) by mistake. Oh well. I probably needed it for stamina.

After the tea-party we went to a local masseuse where friend no.3 was pampered head-to-toe and the rest of us "hens" paired up for hand and head massages. Very relaxing. The atmosphere alone was enough to make my shoulders droop. It did have me hankering for a full-body massage though which I will book in sometime soon.

The cocktail party and Singstar were combined which worked well for me! I was quite reluctant to sing at first but after a beer managed to find some dutch courage. I ended up doing three songs, paired with either friend no.3's six year old niece or one of the other hen's. And I did well by song three, being rated as a "lead-singer" on Singstar.

Just before 7pm we headed into town for dinner at a trendy downtown Wellington restaurant. It felt very Sex And The City-like, sipping a margarita before dinner, clad in high heels and a lime green top and feeling quite un-Mumsy. Dinner was fabulous. Mexican and so different to the child-friendly food we eat seven days a week. I had one more margarita for the road, at $12NZ a pop knowing it was going to be quite a while before I indulged in those again.

After dinner the hen's headed into Courtney Place, which is Wellington's nightlife pretty much packed into one long stretch. We went to Boogie Wunderland for a couple of hours for a bit of a dance to mainly seventies music. We were all on waters by then, so quite mellow. Just after midnight we left town, getting back to friend no.3's house by 12.30am, which equated to twelve hours of girlie fun. As we left town I remarked to another hen, that although I'd had fun, I was ready to go back to suburbia!

My weekend away was a confirmation for me that I am somehow lost between two worlds - motherhood and then life as I knew it before kids. It's like I haven't been able to think much about what I have "sacrificed" for almost three years as my majority of time and energy has gone into my daughter. However, something is shifting as she approaches three and I'm starting to step outside the confines of motherhood a little. Only I have changed of course in these three years. So I am getting to know myself all over again. I'm not sure where I'm headed, but I'm trusting that new opportunities are around the corner in some form.

While away I was also reminded of my relationship with my husband - what that was like before parenthood. I do want to encourage more time for "us" this year. Neither of us have felt ready to leave our daughter for long periods of time, but the time is drawing closer to us being able to do that.

All in all it was a fantastic weekend away. I felt very fortunate at being able to go and so thankful that I have a husband who was willing to look after our daughter for a whole weekend. I was reminded of what the word "weekend" means to those without kids - a time to do whatever-the-hell-you-like at the end of a working week. As parents know, weekends and holidays are never the same again, particularly with preschoolers who are still learning how to play independently. It was a strange luxury having "time to kill" at one point while friend no.3 went for a dress fitting for her bridesmaids. I looked around some shops and then relaxed in a cafe alone with a cheese toastie and a smoothie and remembered what it felt like in those pre-motherhood weekends to wonder what I might do next.

When I turned up at Nelson airport I was greeted by my high-energy daughter and visibly relieved husband. I'd forgotten in two days what it was like to be on constant bodyguard duty with a small child in a public area. Even though I was straight into putting tea on as soon as I got home, and felt a wee bit flat after my surreal weekend away; I was rapt to see my wee family and glad to be home.

I get by with a little help from my friends

Over the last couple of weeks I have caught up with quite a few friends here in Nelson. It has been very good for me to get out of the house, and out of my head, catching up with friends while making the most of a gorgeous Nelson Summer. I've had a couple of beach dates - one the other day with the friend who has a daughter the same age as mine, and then another with a friend and her dog. As a family we've met up with other wee families at Summer events such as the Jazzfest and The Teddy's Bears Picnic. I've met friends for coffee alone (is in childless!). And yesterday my daughter and I spent around two and a half hours with friends of ours that currently are living in a caravan between houses. These friends are a generation older than me and just the loveliest couple.

God has been my main man through-out all this but my friends have helped me immensely. I have realised that it isn't even the job of my friends to understand what I'm going through. Some friends here in Nelson have identified with me in all sorts of ways - mainly through their own personal crises, some whom have turned to God, some who haven't. With some friends I haven't even gone there and that has been good for me. The friend with the dog doesn't want kids so it was nice to go out and play on the beach with my daughter and her dog and to just be in the moment, soaking up the rays and enjoying each others company, not even going there.

I mentioned friends no.1. no.2 and no.3 many weeks ago in a post to make the point that these three friends, the friends I felt emotionally closest to and have a long history with, were on very different paths and at the time I felt very distanced from them all. They all live out of Nelson. To recap friend no.1 is newly pregnant with her second child, friend no .2 is fighting primary infertility and friend no.3 is getting married in a couple of months. Today it doesn't matter that we are all on different paths. Finding my women-friends-in-the-same-boat on Dailystrength has fulfilled a huge desire to be understood. I don't feel as though I need to try to explain what secondary infertility is about to everyone else anymore. This blog gives me a place to do that and if people want to know about it, they'll read about it.

Tonight I fly off to Wellington for the weekend (!) to see friend no. 3. It's her hens party and we're spending a day and a night celebrating it. It's a big deal for me as it will be the first time I'd have spent a whole weekend apart from my daughter and I'm flying away, on a plane, to the North Island! It's only a half hour trip, but it's a milestone for me!

Anyway, I'm very much looking forward to it and I know it'll be good for me. My daughter has been very unsettled during the day and especially at nights lately, not wanting me out of her sight. My husband usually does the bed-time routine but lately our daughter has been firm on "Mummy, bed!!" So it will be good for them too to re-bond without me around.

To any friends reading this: thanks for your friendship. You've helped me so much just by being there. :)

Catch you in a couple of days!

About the cyst

Just to clarify, I don't know for sure my cyst is gone. The gyno just couldn't feel it on Wednesday when he did the, you know, internal examination. The thing is he didn't have the full notes from the radiologist that were forwarded from my old Dr to my new Dr or the referral letter from my new Dr. All he had was a few notes my new Dr had faxed through. He even muttered to himself that he ought to follow that up...So I am going to call him next week to make sure he has received everything and that he's one hundred percent sure the cyst isn't an issue. I still have the bloating in the abs so my feeling is the cyst is still there. Apparently it's a borderline case being 5cm. Under 5cm they are generally left to dissolve, over 5cm sometimes removed.

So I'm pretty sure the Clomid will still be the go - but I just want to check in with the gyno to be sure. He did after all say himself "I'm only a phone-call away."

The God of my understanding

A photo I took tonight of the sunset from our backyard on a balmy Summer's evening here in Tahuna...Such magnificence and beauty always a confirmation to me that the God of my understanding is out there in His true glory.

My eleventh hour

I really think Tuesday, the day before my gyno appointment was the eleventh hour for me. I was starting to feel that my mood swings were quite unmanageable, and was worried about the affects all this was having on my home-life. So I was prepared to go to the Dr and go on to anti-depressants if needed. I have never taken them before, so for me that was quite an act of humility to recognise that I needed serious help.

Thankfully with an actual fertility-plan in place, I feel so much better about it all. For me the powerlessness of months with no periods/a cyst/no medical direction just really got me down. It was incredibly frustrating to not be going anywhere with it all.

I've had other eleventh hours in my life. It is usually at that point when I have admitted complete and utter defeat around my human powerlessness over something outside of myself that I have no control. The last time I went through something as massive as this was over a decade ago. It was the beginning of a spiritual path that changed my life. Perhaps not obvious to everyone on the outside; but on the inside my world was turned upside down and I changed as a result of it.

The very same thing has happened/is happening to me throughout my experiences with secondary infertility. I have let God in in a much bigger way than ever before. This is hard to comprehend if 1. you don't believe in God and 2. you've never had a major personal crisis. But to me it's very real.

Just before I saw the gyno I was reminded of the last time I had to hand some big stuff over to the God of my understanding. To get through it all I made two posters of the words ACCEPTANCE and SURRENDER. Those two words got me through a very rough time. On Tuesday I wrote the same words on a white-board as I was acknowledging to myself on some level that I was at the eleventh hour with all this.

This does not meant it's going to be smooth-sailing from here on in. I know that. No doubt the ups and downs will continue as I deal with all that trying to conceive (TTC) brings up. But I feel stronger somehow, that I have some ammunition to get through the next stage, and all that comes with it.

I have a saying on a wee sign that friend no. 3 gave me that affirms all of the above for me:

LORD help me to
remember that
nothing is going to
happen to me today
that You and I together
can't handle.

Gyno appointment debrief

Well I finally got to see the gyno this morning - after a month's wait to get an appointment. He did an internal examination and declared the cyst wasn't an issue, since he couldn't feel it as such. So, I have been given a three month prescription for Clomid to be started next time I bleed. If I don't have a natural cycle by the end of the month, I am to take Provera for a week which'll make me bleed, and then I can take the Clomid. I have a blood test to take on day 21 of my cycle to see where things are at as the dosage may need to be increased.

If after three months of taking Clomid I don't get pregnant, then my gyno said the next step may be taking a closer look at my one ovary to see what's going on. He explained Clomid kick-starts ovulation, that's all. It's not a magic pregnancy pill or anything. He didn't say it but the subtext was; it could just be that I have bad eggs. But I'm not going to go there for now. I will just focus on the Clomid cycles for the next three months. I am worried how I may be affected emotionally on it as I am the sort of person who is susceptible to drugs, even just a simple cold remedy pill can make me quite lightheaded! And I've been struggling the last few months emotionally as it is. Anyway, my gyno assured me that there are no emotional side-effects with Clomid - he pretty much said as an explanation that women were perhaps already anxious with their fertility issues before and while they took Clomid and that Clomid couldn't be blamed for their emotional state. A bit of a man's perspective, however I agree in some respects with that.

However while out on a playdate with a friend this afternoon, over icecream in a local gelato palour with our daughter's; she asked how I was on the (birth control) pill. Sure enough, I went nuts on it and only ever lasted a few months at a time on it. So who knows. I plan to do some cardio exercise while going through the Clomid cycles, so hopefully that'll helps things.

Basically I'm rapt! A bit nervous around pumping a drug into my body, but one hundred percent relieved to have a plan as such. I'm back in the game again!

All in all, I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted. The Clomid may work, or it may not. But at least I'm moving somewhere again with it all. And I'm reminded daily of something that came to be me from the God of my understanding the other day:
Trust in Me, And it'll all work out.

My Mother's Guilt around wanting another child

As any mother will attest, Mother's Guilt (MG) is something that arrives as soon as the baby exits the womb. It's simply part of the package. Over the last almost-three years I have been plagued with MG around all sorts of issues; big and small, real and imagined.

However my strong desire to have another child is probably the worst case of MG I've dealt with yet. My emotional ups and downs of the last year have to affect my daughter - there is no doubt about it. I try so hard to push on through it all but some days things do get the better of me and I am essentially emotionally unavailable to her. We've all heard how sensitive children are to their surroundings. As are our pets! Our off-spring and pets can sense when somethings amiss, no matter how much we try to hide it. It plagues me continuously that the irony is I'm not being the best Mum I could perhaps be to my daughter while grieving for another child.

I owe it to my daughter - and to my husband - to keep myself as well as possible during all this. It isn't like secondary infertility is there every single minute of the day, but it certainly pollutes our home life, even if just subtly.

First thing this morning we rushed our daughter up to A&E as she woke up inconsolable with a sore neck. "Hurt, hurt" she kept saying and given the recent outbreaks of meningitis in New Zealand, we weren't going to take any chances. She did fall out of her bed during the night so probably hurt her neck then. By the time we were seen to, she was a box of fluffies. When up at the hospital my attention was fully on my dear little girl. How vulnerable did she look sitting on a hospital bed in her PJ's at seven in the morning. Every trip we've made to A&E (Accident & Emergency) to Nelson hospital where our daughter was born, reminds me of her safe miraculous arrival into the world via emergency c-section.

I said to my husband tonight that after tomorrow's appointment with the gyno, I will consider going back to my Dr to address my mood-swings. The independent almost three year old I have described in other posts has regressed to her former-clingy self. She cannot get enough of me right now and I know that's partly because she can sense my detachment. I'm not going to blame myself completely for where she's at; but I know I do have to take some responsibility.

The song that gets me everytime

These are the lyrics to the song that get the tears going, often when I'm half-way through doing the dishes!

Breathe by Michael W Smith

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence living in me

This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word spoken to me

And I I'm desperate for you
And I I'm I'm lost without you

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence living in me

This is my daily bread
this is my daily bread
your very word spoken to me

And I'm, I'm desperate for you
And I'm, I'm lost without you

And I'm desperate for you
And I'm, I'm lost without you.

I'm lost without you.

I'm lost without you.

I'm desperate for you.

(Cry out to live)

I'm desperate for you..

I'm lost, I'm lost, I'm lost without you..
I'm lost without you

I'm desperate for you

(pianospill)

Stuck in the muck

One of my daughter's favourite bedtime stories of late is One Duck Stuck. It is a rhyming tale about a duck who gets stuck in the marsh. Various animals and critters come to the ducks rescue to no avail. It is not til they all pool together the duck is set free.

The other night I clicked how that is how it is with me. I seem to need a whole heap of things to get me out of the muck as such. Every little bit helps. It isn't something I can just turn around at the flick of a switch. My daily goals of exercise/spirulana smoothies/doing something nice for me/early nights and talking to someone if I need to seem to help. As does working on my three monthly goals which include getting a weekend part-time job, joining a gym, and getting some counseling. I need people around me too as as a collective they can help, just like the critters in the book. God is there too at any time, I just have to remember he is sometimes.

Although having other focuses helps, I am still in conflict with myself frequently about where I fit in. I am at this point the Mum whose time is becoming hers again. Yet because I am still in the trying-for-another-baby mode, I cannot fully embrace this stage of my life. If we'd "completed" our family for sure then I think I'd be embracing this life-stage a bit more. But I have one foot dragging as a big part of me wants to stay in this mode of nesting and looking after my family. Of course I can continue to do that, while working somewhere in the weekends. However it is as though one part of me is in full agreement with my daughter's new-found independence, and the other half just so badly wants to do it all again.

The mood-swings also make it hard to move forward. I have never experienced so many highs and lows in my life. This blog is proof of that! Others who have shared about secondary infertility have expressed they've felt the same. It really is like one big roller-coaster ride. Once infertility has been diagnosed the fun begins. A series of events unfold that typically involve medical appointments, blood tests, ultra-sounds, and fertility drugs. The trouble is there are often gaps between each medical procedure so it's like one continuous waiting game. Even though I try so hard to let go of it, it is a challenge to do so when aspects of my day are centred around the whole baby-making deal such as charting for ovulation, and taking prenatal vitamins. Not to mention the sightings of bumps, babies and families-of-four that trigger things all over again most days.

I do know that I must remember to not blame my infertility for all that goes on in my head. But it has been the big trigger that has unleashed a whole heap of rocky emotions that I feel I am continuously fighting. I cannot seem to accept my human powerlessness. I constantly have to be reminded that God has the plan and the timetable. I cannot make another baby come and there is no perfect way to conceive one. Fertility drugs may assist or they may not make a difference.

There are of course only two possible black and white endings. One is the preferred in which the long-awaited baby arrives. And the other, in which it doesn't. It is so very hard living in the gray area right now in which the ending is uncertain. It means I swing between my two endings in my head which is why I am constantly rocking around in the seven stages of grief. I have hope one day that it could really happen for us and then depression hits the next day when it seems unlikely that it will happen. So then the grieving starts only to be stopped when I feel hope once again.

The mood-swings are part and parcel of this roller-coaster ride. But I have some kind of undiagnosed hormonal imbalance going on too which is connected to my fertility issues which doesn't help.

For many reasons I am stuck in the muck. It's a maddening place to be. Yet if I can do everything I can to keep myself sane, and reach out to friends, family, a counselor, and God, then hopefully my time in the muck will be a little more bearable.

Finding a new focus

It's been a busy day involving lots of positive steps in regards to letting go of the old and making way for the new.

This morning I met a friend for coffee which was good for me. In a way it was a bit of a reality check and I certainly appreciated her candid sharing. I revealed a few surprising truths to myself during our chat. The main one being that actually, I am quite suited to being a Mum-of-one at this time. I love the freedom of parenting just the one almost three year-old. We go to the beach a lot and it's just so easy either paddling in the sea or sometimes my daughter befriends other kids so I pretty much stand around not doing much at all, basking in the sunshine! Obviously I still have parenting challenges, but I'm not as consumed by parenting as I once was. My main challenges now are to do with discipline and keeping my daughter occupied. Another aspect of this revelation is that I'm not much of a home-body, though I do enjoy being at home. I am not a Mum who likes to be stuck at home all day - I have to get out once, even twice a day. The honest truth is I would struggle, I think, being housebound with two very young children.

I dropped a couple of CVs off in town today as I am in the throes of finding myself a wee weekend job. I am looking forward to working in the public eye again. I have a strong desire to work somewhere with a bit of a buzz, far removed from the world of Mums and bubs.

I got home for lunch and afterwards proceeded to clear all my daughter's under three clothing out of her bedroom. I threw out the clothes with dodgy stains and boxed the rest then put them in the garage. I also put a box of baby toys in the garage that my daughter has out-grown. I chose a day in which I was feeling strong to do this. Even though I was quite sentimental sorting through my daughter's old clothes I did just think "They're good clothes. I hope someone gets good use out of them someday."

This afternoon I did a photo shoot for a freelance graphic design job I have on. I have quite a tight dead-line over the next couple of weeks so lo and behold, I may possibly be blogging a little less!

All in all I am tired - but a good tired. I feel the pre-motherhood me is starting to surface again and quite frankly, she's over the miserable outlook that wannabe-Mum-of-two tends to have!

What you can do to help

Dear friends, family, women also fighting infertility and anyone else who may vaguely know me if this blog was forwarded to them,

Firstly, I have accepted that I am going to be here in this chapter of my life dealing with secondary infertility for a considerable period of time (all up.) I have experienced so many ups and downs already and anticipate they will continue until there is some kind of resolution.

I want you to know that you can all support me at this time. It might not seem like you can, particularly if you can't identify with me. But I need you. I cannot fight this on my own.

Thankfully I have met some wonderful courageous women at Dailystrength going through the same thing. They are my on-line pen pals. Honestly, I think this "battle" would have been a whole lot harder had I not met them. They provide me with the understanding, continuous support and hope that I so desperately need. The trouble is, they live in the US. Chances are pretty high I'll never meet most of them in person.

I need my friends and family around me at this time. People who've known me for a while - before "all this". From the outside it might seem like I'm dwelling/wallowing in my pain. To some extent maybe I am. Every woman no doubt deals with infertility (IF) in her on own way, and my way is to be real with it all. And when I'm having a down day, my instinct is to isolate. I don't intentionally want to shut you out, it's just I get so overwhelmed some days with my feelings that I am in a state of paralysis with my pain. Believe me, I don't want to be like that.

I need you to check in with me and see how I'm doing. Some days I may want to talk about things, some days not. I just need to be reminded that you are still out there; the people who knew me before IF struck. Because I am not just a woman with IF going on; I am so much more than that and most days I can't see that. Remind me of our connection. Ask me out for coffee. Phone me. Email me. Don't let me be just because I may have indicated I wanted space. I will always value hearing from you, regardless of where I'm at.

I want to hear about your lives. Some days I feel like I'm in a Freeze Frame; and that nothing is moving. I need to hear about how your lives are really going. Share your joy and pain with me. I am capable of connecting with you even if it seems like I'm drowning in my stuff.

Pregnant friends and Mums-of-two; it is my biggest challenge maintaining an honest relationship with you. I want to keep things light between us and hold on to the hope that I'll be joining you one day but sometimes it seems so very unlikely that's going to happen. And when it does, I am in a state of grief. Never take my envy personally. I know I try to hide it, but my resentment often seeps out. I can't help this. It is very painful seeing others with the second child that I'm not sure will ever be mine.

There are no right words to say to a woman deemed infertile. Relax, let go of it, it'll happen one day and it'll happen if it's meant to don't offer any comfort at all. Tell me you'll pray for me and if you don't believe in God, just asking if you can do anything, even if there is nothing you can do, is a great place to start.

Thank-you just for being there so far on my journey. A special thanks to my friends - new and old who read this blog. I appreciate the comments and the feedback. It has comforted me knowing other women "get me" at this time and for the people who don't quite understand where I'm at, I appreciate that you have taken the time to try to gain some insight.

This too shall pass. One day I'll be on the other side of it all.

Much love,

Lynda
xx

My Gap Years

It has been common practice for young people in some Western countries to take a year off between secondary and tertiary education for quite some time. This is known as a "A gap year". Now gap years are being taken by the young and old in all sorts of ways, at any life-stage. It's a time to go out into the world and have a go at doing some other things such as travelling, volunteering, anything.

I can only hope that I am in my gap year/s of motherhood. Although I am very much out there as a Mum, I feel as though motherhood has been interrupted. My family doesn't feel complete and won't do until there is an end to all this.

So in the meantime, as I appreciate I'm between two worlds, I have no choice but to treat this as if 2008 is my second gap year. I can advance my life in small ways which I'm working on doing over the next three months (through joining a gym, getting a part-time job, and having some creative goals) yet because I have one foot in with the Mums-of-one crowd and one trying to climb over the fence to join the Mums-of-two crowd, I am not ready or in a good space to make big life changes at this point. Because I could get pregnant. And who knows when that might be - weeks, months, or another year from now?

I am in a holding pattern/limbo land/a standstill. It is frustrating at the best of times, to put it mildly. However, I do have the opportunity to do some things back there in the world outside of motherhood that pregnant women and Mums-of-two wouldn't, even if it is on a small scale. So if I see motherhood, interrupted, as the opportunity to catch my breath, then it really isn't so bad.

I'm reminded that this is where my spiritual growth comes in. There is nothing "big" to distract myself from me right now. I am essentially the duck who is stuck in the muck. (a line from my daughter's favourite book at the moment!)

It's our fourth wedding anniversary today!

This morning I woke up feeling truly blessed. How nice it is to feel gratitude around something as special as a wedding anniversary. I feel quite proud of our four years of married life together. We actually met three years before we married but for us tying the knot certainly did move things to a new level. To those on the outside, if material gain and prosperity are seen to be indicators of success; it might seem we don't have much at all. Sometimes I too can be swayed by that perspective since we don't have the 2.1 kids or the house. But we have so much more than all that. We have our precious daughter who we both love so much and a loving home that we've created that many people feel comfortable in. We are very happy living a simple life so the vibe is pretty laid-back around here.

I heard recently in a sermon that God wants us to grow spiritually into our earthly bodies. I do believe that to be true - as time goes on it is affirmed more and more that my life is a spiritual journey and all this other stuff doesn't matter. One of the main reasons I married my husband is because he shares that belief.

As layers of the proverbial onion are stripped away as I grapple with infertility, I feel more like a child of God than ever. I feel like I'm treading water most days and every now and then I come up for air. And when I do it's like all the blessings in my life shine more brightly somehow, I feel more connected with the human race on a very deep level and I find joy in the simplest of things. I want to go out and be involved in life, to participate and to celebrate life. Then another wave comes along and I am pushed under for a bit again.

But today I am up for air.

I have a nice Dr!

I finally caught up with my Dr on the phone today to check-in about the ultra-sound I had just before Christmas that revealed a 5cm cyst on my only ovary. I have an appointment with my gyno a week today and also just wanted to make sure all was in order with a referral letter being written by my Dr to the gyno and that my notes had transferred across from my last doctor.

Nothing new revealed about the cyst today except that it was recommended by the chief radiologist, whose notes my Dr read out, that I get the cyst looked into further. Which I am doing next week. My Dr said the gyno will probably either suggest another ultra-sound in six weeks or so (to see if the cyst shrinks), take a closer look at it via a laparoscopy, or maybe even give the green flag for fertility treatment to start. Of course she was speculating only. I don't know what'll happen until I have the appointment.

My Dr said "you and he will work it out" which was refreshing to hear as often in the past I have felt somewhat bullied around medical decisions. I do totally agree with that thinking, as it is about me taking my fertility issues into my own hands and seeking the help I need, always only doing what feels right for me at any given time.

My Dr then said What would you like to do Lynda? And this threw me for a second as my past experiences with the medical world have been very clinical, often with strong advice and no options given. I certainly appreciated the opportunity to think about where I wanted to head at this point in time. What I came up in answer to that question was I'm ready to start Clomid, and will work towards getting that up and running. If the cyst doesn't need to be explored further, then I'm ready to proceed.

I'm trying not to have high expectations around next weeks appointment, however. Even though I think the cyst is why my periods stopped for four months, there is no proof thus far that the cyst is responsible.

I'm just working on trusting that the pieces of the puzzle are slowly coming together.

The law of attraction and baby-making

I finished reading The Secret for the second time recently. The first time round, I was quite impressed with it, and for a while there felt empowered believing I could somehow turn my fertility issues around.

If I took everything I read literally then the term "secondary infertility" for starters would be a big no-no. Apparently harping on about infertility issues will only attract more infertility. So I'm meant to think constant happy thoughts, tell myself I'm fertile and use visualisation to get what I want out of the universe.

Well I tried the above methods after reading The Secret the first time round. Only my periods stopped and I felt worse somehow visualising another baby when I had so many mixed emotions churning away. The photo of me preggars with my daughter on my cork board only dug the knife further into my heart. Oh my belly starting swelling alright. Not because I was pregnant; but because I was growing a cyst!

For a period of time I actually drove around with my daughter's current booster seat and her old baby car-seat thinking perhaps if I imagined I had two children in my car, it would happen. I know!...(The seat was there for our daughter's friends too though, just in case we ever took one of them out with us - truly!) Anyway, my husband removed the baby car-seat from the car a few months back and put it in the garage as it was getting sun-damaged.

My daughter got a dolls-house for her second birthday and it came with a family of three - a Mum, Dad and a baby-girl. For Christmas I bought some add-ons for the dolls-house which was mainly bedroom furniture - and a big sister! I thought if we had a family of four in the dolls-house then it would/maybe/might help with the law of attraction side of things.

How I see it this time round is the law of attraction really is about just getting yourself into a space where you are able to receive the gifts of the universe. Simply having hope and faith that you will get what you've asked for. It's about letting go of the how and the when and just believing that it's all going to work out.

The Secret is a little simplistic for something as complicated as INfertility (note; I'm rebelling here!) Some experiences in life have many layers that need working through, so it is impossible to simply switch off all your feelings in a situation like INfertility to maintain a constant state of happiness. I'm sure any psychologist would agree. However, positive thinking is effective and I personally try to use it as much as possible, without deluding myself too much.

Admittedly reading The Secret again helped me with working through some of the stuff that has been bubbling away for probably a year now. Although it's somewhat laughable, somehow playing with my daughter's dolls-house with her with the family of four does give me some hope. And when my daughter said "little wister" today, I hoped that one day she will have a little sister or brother for real.

It's always with me

No matter where I am in any given day, the bad smell known as secondary infertility is always with me. Through the ups and the downs of my week, I am aware that I am in this vacuum of great uncertainty that will exist until a conclusion is finally reached. Someone recently stated that infertility has the same stress as living with cancer or having a terminal illness. Thankfully I have no experience with the latter, but from where I stand can certainly appreciate that there are similar elements.

Even though you try to make light of your situation, to seek help and relief, to continue with life as normally as possible, somehow the burden of infertility continues to drag you down. Pregnancy and babies are part of the human life cycle of course and so it is in your face everyday. Tonight on the news it was announced that Nicole Kidman is pregnant. I only heard the headline and actually I am happy for her as I know that she has struggled to get pregnant for a very long time.

This morning a woman revealed to me her private pain around wanting a second child but it won't happen for her as her partner isn't keen as he has children from a previous relationship. It was a good reminder that yes, even women who aren't actively trying to conceive, feel the maternal ache.

Friend no. 2 phoned tonight and we updated each other around where we're at with the infertility deal. Although she's battling primary infertility, we are able to connect somewhat, even though I continually feel bad revealing where I'm at given I do have my daughter. But her friendship is important to me and I want to keep it real, even if at times it's uncomfortable for the two of us.

I know one day I will be free again. I won't be "in" this. But until that day comes, all I can do is take it all One Day At A Time. I cannot look too far ahead. If anything I have been retaught the importance of living in the present.

Where do you take your pain?

When things are uncomfortable in your life, and the pain is challenging, where do you turn?

Perhaps at the end of a long day at the office you settle on the deck on a Summer's evening with a glass of chardonnay. Every sip takes you further away from the woes of the day, and you start to unwind. After the second glass your shoulders relax. After the third, hell, you even like your job again.

Or maybe you plop on the couch and rip into a bag of chips or wolf down a chocolate bar while watching some mindless television. You're bored with your lot in life and it's become a habit. At the end of the night when you go to bed, you cannot recall what you watched on tv, and you stopping tasting the junk-food after the first few bites.

Both these scenarios are not unfamiliar to me, as I have used both food and alcohol to fill my God-shaped hole. I have also used men, travel, education, changes in vocations and psychics to numb the terrible emptiness that has surfaced from time to time.

Although my reconnection with God started some eleven years ago, at the age of twenty-eight, it wasn't until my journey with secondary infertility started that the true extent of my God-shaped hole was revealed.

I stopped using alcohol as an escape from life a while ago. However I continued to hide from life through over-eating, even if it was on a much smaller scale than before. It wasn't until I dramatically cut down on sugary foods as part of a fertility make-over last year that I realised how much I'd been comfort-eating.

As a result, secondary infertility has been the first crisis I've experienced without a vice or anything to distract me from my pain. I have been stripped bare and as a result, God is finally able to start filling the hole I desperately filled with anything I could think of for years with His love. This is both a painful and welcome process as it means I have to truly surrender it all to Him.

I don't believe God wants me to suffer, only to turn to Him at this time. I'm starting to believe that secondary infertility happened to me in order to bring me closer to God. After all, if a second baby came along easily, I would not be embracing spiritual healing with the intensity I am today.

The grass is always greener

This morning I took my daughter down the road for a playdate with neighbours we met at playgroup. There are two girls - one two months younger than mine and a five month old. I've gotten to know both girls pretty well in the time we've known each other which is around the two year mark. And so it is not so unusual for me to pick up the five month old.

Today I was asked to get the baby out of her cot when she woke up from her nap which I jumped at as I relish any opportunity to hold this little baby girl as she is simply delicious. Yet as I scooped her out of her cot, a wash of feelings came over me which often do when I see this baby, which is pretty much weekly. Will this happen for me? Will I get the chance to put another baby down for naps, to breastfeed and to celebrate milestones like this five month olds first tooth all over again?

Of course I don't know the answers. It is totally in Gods hands.

I'm off to Wellington the weekend after next for a hens party. The actual party starts at noon with a fun, girly day planned which includes a dance gym class, a tea party, a pampering session, a Singstar session, a cocktail party, dinner and dancing! I'm very much looking forward to it as I think it's exactly what I need - some fun in a non-family kind of a way.

As I told my neighbour about about the upcoming hens party, I was actually feeling quite envious of her family-of-four life. Yet as I disclosed my escapee weekend; she revealed her envy. For a fleeting moment I thought ha! I'm the lucky one here! Seconds later the maternal ache started up again as although I know I'll have a great time away, I'd give up a night like that in a flash for another baby.

The Many Faces Of Secondary Infertility

I'm about sixteen months into secondary infertility, and never quite know what's around the corner emotionally. For me it has definitely been aligned with the seven stages of grief (represented in brackets below) as it is a continuous grieving process. I've written these stages as they've occurred for me although I have been in and out of all of them even in the space of a day!

1. The this-shouldn't-be-happening to me stage: (shock/disbelief) I'm a woman, after all and was designed to have children. I conceived my daughter easily. So why the hell can't it be that simple again?
2. The why-me-stage: (bargaining) I'm a good Mum, better than loads out there (there's a tad of arrogance attached to this particular stage!), so why am I being afflicted with this?
3. The life-sucks-stage: (depression) I want another baby and I want it now! It's all that matters to me. And because that's my main focus right now; I'm gonna see the cup as being half-empty.
4. The-Mother-Theresa-stage: (guilt) I should be happy with the one child I have. Perhaps I'm meant to do something else with all this maternal love like go to Africa and save the children there. Or adopt kids that really need homes.
5. The-I'm-really-pissed-with-you-God-stage: (anger) I'm a good person, aren't I? I only want to get pregnant again this one time. It's not too much to ask now is it?
6. The-head-in-the-sand-stage: (denial) I'll be okay... Just remove all pregnant women from the planet.
7. The-life-goes-on-stage: (acceptance and hope) Maybe it'll happen, maybe not. For now I'm just going to focus on other things and not make having another baby the be all and end all of my existence.

What, pregnant again?

I did a double-take in the supermarket today. A Mum I've seen around in my Mum circles walked by with quite a sizeable bump. I did a double-take as I'm sure she's had a baby recently. Well it seems recently, might well be a year ago or more. She's up to her third or fourth child, anyway. That's what's so incredibly fascinating and frustrating about the whole baby making deal - how some women seem to churn them out whereas others seem to have an infinite struggle with their fertility.

Today I spoke to someone by chance who I know has grappled with primary infertility for quite some time. I've heard about this through the grape-vine but didn't go there today. So it was interesting hearing this woman talking about her upcoming year, keeping the conversation light and positive. As you do. Of course you're not going to bring up your infertility woes with every person you come into contact with.

But it's a shame I think that infertility is seemingly dealt with behind closed doors. It's almost as if those afflicted think they have something to be ashamed about. I know I do on some level as quite clearly something is wrong with me fertility-wise; even if it's just a biological issue. Things just aren't working as they should and when you see a woman like I did today who falls pregnant so easily, it's hard to not go there.

2nd guessing God

Warning: this is a long post - you better make a cuppa!

As I wade through all the stuff that has come up for me as a consequence of experiencing secondary infertility, it has become clear that I haven't fallen pregnant lately for a whole heap of complex reasons that I'm just starting to unravel. These are biological, emotional and psychological in nature. I am in the process of sorting out this out, to set myself free as such. I'm kind of 2nd guessing God here as to why I'm at a standstill with trying to conceive. Some possibilities include:

1. I'm just coming out of almost three years of attachment parenting
My daughter has been a "high needs" child right from the start and so we have essentially met her needs via attachment parenting. Dr Sears has been my man from the early days, and I have agreed one hundred percent about his philosophies around breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and responding to a baby's needs. I've always felt my daughter's emotional health has benefited immensely because of attachment parenting. The only downfall is it can be incredibly exhausting parenting in this manner. We are now reaping the rewards for our endurance, and our daughter is emerging as a confident almost-three year old who understands that her emotional needs will always be met.

Now as our daughter gains independence, her needs are changing so in a sense as parents we are feeling a new found freedom, as parenting is no longer so intense. Although co-sleeping and breastfeeding (a once-a-day nap time suckle at this point) still happen, I am in the process of weaning my daughter (and myself!) from both.

I have shared my daughter's bed for part of the night for some time and now sleep on a mattress in a floor in her room, as she still wakes and usually a quick cuddle or pat or even just me reassuring her with my voice gets her back to sleep. We used to nap together and just this week I have stopped napping with her. I am not being black and white about this process and will snuggle and cuddle when the needs arises. It hasn't been an easy process for me, I will admit that as I enjoyed the snuggles. Yet letting go of the naps and getting myself to bed earlier at night has meant intimacy is increasing with my husband, as I thought it might.

2. Could I cope with two preschoolers?
Even though I've nannied, and looked after many children over the years, the thought of raising two preschoolers has been something I've been a little bit apprehensive about. One reason is because of the above - attachment parenting has been very tiring and time-consuming. The rewards and the emotional bonds experienced because of it have definitely been worth it. However I have often wondered how I would have coped parenting two under threes in this way. At this rate if I got pregnant this year, my daughter would be closer to four by the time a baby arrived. Which means she'd be at Kindy five mornings a weeks, and obviously a lot more independent all round. I certainly don't mind that spacing. The spacing between children has never been an issue for me - more the disappearing periods that hint that my time could be running out.

I can have depressive episodes and I have also wondered as to whether two preschoolers, particularly two under threes might send me over the edge. I have met two Mums of one over the last couple of years who have quite openly said they won't have any more children as one had bad post-natal depression and the other has clinical depression. I really admired how in tune they both were with their own emotional limitations, I suppose you could say. I have thought for me it would be hopefully easier to have one at Kindy and one at home. Who knows, I'm sure more than one child would be a challenge, whatever the spacing. With no extended family in town, it has been hard work raising our daughter with little outside help. One Nana is in town quite regularly and our daughter adores her. By the time another comes, we will hopefully be able to leave her with Nana and probably other adults more frequently which would take the load off.

3. It's time to put the romance back into our marriage
It has been an interesting shift of late for me. Like many Mums, I'm sure, it was my baby who I was most intimately attached to for so long. Quite naturally as my daughter starts branching out and making friends and adult connections, she hasn't needed me with quite the same intensity. I've therefore responded by giving her the space she needs which in turn is giving me space. So there is a gap there that is now slowly being replaced by my husband, as it should be. I guess if we had another baby right now we wouldn't have the opportunity to rekindle the spark as such. It's been a good reminder lately that although I love my daughter more than anything in the world, my marriage is very important to me and it's time to focus on that again - and to have some fun with it too. I plan to get another babysitter on board this year so my husband and I can go out on dates a bit more frequently.

4. I'm turning 40 in seven months and it's time to take stock of my life
There has been a definite grief process as my daughter has seemingly grown up overnight and there's been more time for me. Perhaps I was just getting a bit bored with life now that she needs me less and thought a baby would give me a new focus. (how terrible does that sound, but not an uncommon thought). Lately I've clicked I need to put energy back into me.

This secondary infertility crisis seems to be linked in with turning forty and has given me the opportunity to reassess my life, every single aspect, and to work out what I really, really want. At first it was overwhelming, realising I was questioning everything, but now it's quite exciting as I do feel a new me emerging, who is quite a different model to the thirty-something Lynda. I had always thought my family would be complete by the time I was forty. Although I don't have an issue with forty plus Mums, I do have an issue with me personally becoming a new Mum at this age. Not sure why. Admittedly it would be easier knowing a baby was probably coming for time-lines and all that for the next few years, but for now I have to continue with my life as if that is a big maybe for us.

5. We live in a rented two bedroom house
We love our house. It's just ten minutes walk from the beach and it's got a great vibe. We'd like to own a house one day and are kind of late entering the market by New Zealand standards, being in our late thirties. Yet we don't want to put our daughter in childcare and wouldn't use childcare if another baby comes along. These are our choices, one of the main reasons being is I have always feared I might only have one child (since the obstetrician "warned" me to hurry up and get pregnant soon if I wanted another one because of losing the ovary and possible early menopause). So I didn't want to miss out on these precious early years with my daughter if this was going to be my only shot at motherhood.

This means we are several years away from buying our own home since I would be needing to be bringing in a decent chunk of change for us to even consider going there and that won't happen until our daughter starts school. Unless I earn very good money somehow on a casual/part-time basis. (who knows!) Feng Shui wise we aren't set up for a family of four in the long-term - I know our friends with an enormous house in the country have now filled it with four children and we have always joked that they should have gotten a smaller place if they didn't want so many kids! In the short-term we could put a baby in with us and then when older do the bunk thing with the two kids. It is a bit of a Western thing that children should have their own bedrooms, and I don't think they do need to have their own rooms; I'm just programmed to think that in a sense.

6. There are twins in the family!
Well there are twins on my husbands side of the family. And with my age and fertility drugs being likely (if I ever get another proper period!), who knows...I have always wanted twins. Crazy, I know. And now I have one child I know I really would want a bit of a break between the baby stages if there were twins coming on board. Obviously I have no idea at all about this - a psychic once told me I might have twins - but then another said I'd marry a Scotsman in a tarten scarf (!), and that didn't happen. So really I'm talking through my butt on this one!!

7. Perhaps I just want to recreate my own family of origin
Because I have always wanted two girls; it may be partly because I grew up with a sister. Maybe I just want two children to heal some of my own past wounds. I am aware of living through children, however, and have always allowed space in my life to work on my own stuff.

8. I have a cyst and/or am entering peri-menopause
It's frustrating, but no-one knows yet what's going on with me biologically but it's obviously something! I mean no periods in four months, then a very light period and no sign of ovulation this whole time. I do think the cyst is responsible that was found in December. Anyway I'm off to the gyno Jan 16 so fingers crossed some light is shed on all this. It would just be nice to know where my body is at. It's been hard not knowing and letting go of the urgency (in my head!) to know now!

9. My experience with secondary infertility has brought me closer to God
I have had spiritual beliefs for a while and have always believed in a God of my understanding. I am not religious, yet I am definitely exploring religion at this point in time. I just feel Gods love so deeply; it's indescribable. I wouldn't have gotten here had it not been for this crisis which makes me believe I really am exactly where I'm meant to be in life today. Some good has come out of this journey so far as I have been changed through this experience already.

10. Perhaps I wasn't put on earth just to be a Mother
I've heard women describe motherhood as their "calling" and although motherhood has altered my life greatly and brought out my maternal side, I'm not sure I am a woman who was meant to breed a lot of kids. Obviously I won't have a huge tribe at this rate anyway. And actually I only ever wanted two kids. Well, maybe three. Okay, I would love loads of kids in some ways but my age, and economic factors have meant I have settled for just two in my head. I think God has some significant things planned for me outside of motherhood, but what they are, I'm not yet sure.

Getting over myself

The weather has been amazing here in Nelson, New Zealand over the last couple of days. Hot. Scorching hot. Like 30 degrees.

Yesterday we went to the annual Jazz Festival in the park. We met up with a friend and her son. It was just so nice to hang out, listen to great music, and to enjoy a wee cider in the sun. The two kids played well together and all in all it was a relaxing family outing.

Although I saw heaps of children, I didn't see one baby but I sighted a few bumps. Perhaps it was the cider and the heat of the day, but I really felt like I was truly present in the moment, lapping it all up. I even thought to myself how freeing it was to be out with just one child who is becoming increasingly independent.

Today we had two visits to the beach and one to the local mall. It's been a great day of just hanging out together as a family. The second visit to the beach was after tea for an evening paddle. As our daughter gets older, there is certainly more flexibility to do the odd evening outing.

I've made amends to friend no. 1 for miscommunicating that I wanted nothing to do with her for a bit since she was newly pregnant with her second child. I had attempted to put up a boundary around hearing details around her pregnancy as when I was quite depressed, it was too hard to hear. I hurt her in the process as she thought I was dumping her, if only temporarily, because she was pregnant. It sounds terrible but I needed to withdraw for a few days to figure things out. Friends of mine with primary infertility issues were out of touch sometimes for years once I got pregnant. I do understand why. Yet it is a shame to let go of those you love just because they have what you so desperately want.

What I have realised is that I don't want to lose friend no. 1's friendship and will just have to find a way to get over myself, so we can resume our friendship. Already I feel a lot less desperate about my situation, so that probably helps.

Friends and strangers are going to fall pregnant. I cannot bury my head in the sand. Especially since I'm a Mum already and see bumps and babies pretty regularly: I may as well just accept that they are going to be out there. I can't expect friends in particular to go into hiding just because they got something I didn't! Basically, I sulked for a few days when friend no.1 told me her news. I was like the child who didn't get what I asked Santa for when one of my friends did!

But I'm in a better place with it all today. Just because friend no.1 is preggars; doesn't mean she has won the lottery and that her life is one big fairy-tale. It's so easy to think that when others get what we want. Obviously I am very good at withdrawing from others when it seems as though my desires aren't going to be fulfilled.

Dreams have their challenges too. Bringing a new life into the world is a gift but it isn't always easy. I think I just needed to be reminded of that lately.

Rediscovering Me

What I've realised lately as my daughter approaches three and my time is slowly freeing up again, is I that really did lose parts of myself to motherhood. Backed by my psychology and education degree as well as personal philosophies, I have always strongly believed that the first three years of a child's life are the most important. This is the time when crucial emotional bonds are formed with the parents and hence the child's basic emotional foundations are built. So I had no problem throwing myself into motherhood, even if it meant giving up aspects of myself. I was aware that I needed to allow some space for me all along even if it was in very small doses. This came in the form of a casual job, night classes and childless coffees with friends every now and then.

As I plummeted to my low recently, it was clear I'd lost more of me than I'd originally thought. It seems part of my journey with secondary infertility has been about rediscovering me. When I registered with Dailystrength and Facebook over the last few months, I felt I had nothing to write about me. That's when I realised I was in trouble.

Perhaps it is a good thing that I cease the opportunity to work on self-love all over again. If a babe was on the way, I'm pretty sure my focus would be on the new life that was growing inside me. But there is nothing to distract me from myself, so it's time to get reacquainted with me.

It has been quite exciting over the last few days just putting some new things into my daily routine to make sure a big part of my day is about meeting my own needs, and not just my daughter's.

My new daily goals are :
to have a spirulana smoothie to keep my energy levels up
to exercise daily
to do something nice for me such listening to a CD of my choice, taking a bath
to start my bedtime routine at 9pm
to read my daily inspirational readings
to talk to someone if I need to
to limit my time on-line

So far so good with the above goals, which I am only about three days into, by the way! The hardest goal is getting to bed earlier. I've realised I've been going to bed way too late for far too long. My daughter is still wakeful and because of this I've been napping when she does for quite some time. However all this has done is extend out my bedtime at night. I take a while to unwind, especially with my high (emotional) stress levels of late. So I've realised I need a bedtime routine just like my daughter! I certainly am not the type who can plop into bed and then flick the light off (like my husband can!)

It feels good to have some daily goals to adhere to. I've probably used most of the strategies on my list regularly for some time, but it's good to be mindful of them all over again. I also have been doing a gratitude list every morning which is quite ingrained, as well as a small night-time journal entry.

I have some other goals for the next three months too that will give me a temporary focus. At least it feels like something is moving, even if it's the way in which I manage my day.

The importance of friendship

My heart went out to a friend who dropped by today, who has unfortunately up to this point been unlucky in love. It is easy to see from the outside that he perhaps makes some unwise choices. It's his journey and not mine to judge. I just don't like seeing him hurt - again.

Yet at the same time I felt incredibly grateful that I have a family - a husband, a daughter, and a cat! I didn't get here overnight though as I had my own trials and tribulations with love for quite some time. I dated the wrong guys - the bad boys, the cheaters, the commitment-phobs as a twenty-something. Each time my heart got broken, I found it hard to be around those who succeeded in love. Once when I was down and out about love, I had to dip out of attending a wedding as it seemed I had a whole Summer of weddings to go to. It felt like a selfish thing to do but the last thing I felt like was being around yet another gooey-eyed newly wed couple. Even though they were my friends.

So when I tied the knot myself four years ago, I did understand that my happiness could be hard to take for those who hadn't yet found love.

Watching others having babies and falling pregnant when it seems doubtful whether that may happen to you is a similar process. On one hand there is hope, and on the other pain, depending on what head-space I am in on any given moment.

Yet what I've realised today is that although no-one in my world of friends and family has experienced secondary fertility (to my knowledge - that's the thing, it's not so readily shared), it doesn't mean that they can't be a form of support. Dailystrength has provided me with some new friends in the same boat. I am grateful for that. But I need my real life, old friends too. Because I was there for my friend today who is in a very different place to me. And it didn't matter that I was the surburban house-wife as I sat there listening to the dating woes of a singleton.

I think sometimes when we are battling through hard times in life, it is easy to think we are alone and then isolation starts to happen. But if we can understand that those who love us sincerely do want the best for us and give them half a chance to support us, chances are we'll feel less alone.

Blue Skies Ahead

9amish this morning my daughter and I headed off to the beach. A bright Summer's morning, on a brand New Year, it felt like a very positive thing to do. And it was.

My daughter shares my love for the sea, so luckily we live just under ten minutes walk from the beach. There is nothing like a child's passion and unbridled enthusiasm for life to lift your mood, especially when out in nature, and connecting with God and all he has created. That's the way I see it, anyway. My connection with nature is essentially my connection with God.

Dogs and water are my daughter's two favourite things. So she was pretty excited to be wading in the waves with a couple of fur-legged friends this morning. Being New Years Day (which it is here in New Zealand!), is a hard to not feel optimistic and hopeful about the year ahead. Who knows how things will pan out for me but it was just so nice this morning to be in the moment on such a gorgeous sunny morning while looking at the huge expansion of blue sky surrounding us and really feeling and believing that yes, there are indeed blue skies ahead for me.

Adoption as an option

I haven't explored adoption seriously as an option much at all as I'm not ready to go there yet, basically. But it still needs to be considered in the grand scheme of things. My husband and I agreed right from the very beginning, when trying for a baby the first time round that if we weren't able to have our own biological children, then we'd consider adoption.

Although we're still open to the idea, it is a different story altogether once a biological child is on board. We've experienced what it's like to raise a child that is a very clear genetic mix of the two of us. We can see a mix of ourselves and extended family in our daughter. Not just in looks, but also in her mannerisms, and as she gets older, in her character. There is no mistaking that she is ours. This was confirmed with the unconditional love we have for her that surfaced as soon as she was born.

Another biological child will have to be ruled out for certain for us before letting go of the "ideal" of having a biological sibling for our daughter. One of my pulls towards having another biological child is out of curiosity to see what another child of ours might be like. Siblings with different personalities and looks fascinate me. I am very much one for promoting individualism and I sure would like the opportunity to nurture two souls that may or may not be very different.

At this point I know that I am certainly capable of loving a child that isn't biologically ours. I have fallen in love with several babies lately and have enjoyed getting to know two other little people through our babysitting swaps. I am also a former nanny with a degree in psychology and education. I worked two Summers in a children's camp in the US for children with emotional and behavioural problems. There are ten lovable children all up within our extended families, aged between a year and six years old. Not to mention the children of friends and neighbours that are part of our lives too. The point is, I connect with children out there, whoever they are. I wasn't a Mum who was introduced to children as a consequence of motherhood. Children have featured in my life, off and on, over the years. Of course, being a Mum is a whole different ball game to being a care-giver.

My husband and I obviously need to discuss this further to explore whether or not it's a viable option for us. But now isn't quite the time.