Stuck in the muck

One of my daughter's favourite bedtime stories of late is One Duck Stuck. It is a rhyming tale about a duck who gets stuck in the marsh. Various animals and critters come to the ducks rescue to no avail. It is not til they all pool together the duck is set free.

The other night I clicked how that is how it is with me. I seem to need a whole heap of things to get me out of the muck as such. Every little bit helps. It isn't something I can just turn around at the flick of a switch. My daily goals of exercise/spirulana smoothies/doing something nice for me/early nights and talking to someone if I need to seem to help. As does working on my three monthly goals which include getting a weekend part-time job, joining a gym, and getting some counseling. I need people around me too as as a collective they can help, just like the critters in the book. God is there too at any time, I just have to remember he is sometimes.

Although having other focuses helps, I am still in conflict with myself frequently about where I fit in. I am at this point the Mum whose time is becoming hers again. Yet because I am still in the trying-for-another-baby mode, I cannot fully embrace this stage of my life. If we'd "completed" our family for sure then I think I'd be embracing this life-stage a bit more. But I have one foot dragging as a big part of me wants to stay in this mode of nesting and looking after my family. Of course I can continue to do that, while working somewhere in the weekends. However it is as though one part of me is in full agreement with my daughter's new-found independence, and the other half just so badly wants to do it all again.

The mood-swings also make it hard to move forward. I have never experienced so many highs and lows in my life. This blog is proof of that! Others who have shared about secondary infertility have expressed they've felt the same. It really is like one big roller-coaster ride. Once infertility has been diagnosed the fun begins. A series of events unfold that typically involve medical appointments, blood tests, ultra-sounds, and fertility drugs. The trouble is there are often gaps between each medical procedure so it's like one continuous waiting game. Even though I try so hard to let go of it, it is a challenge to do so when aspects of my day are centred around the whole baby-making deal such as charting for ovulation, and taking prenatal vitamins. Not to mention the sightings of bumps, babies and families-of-four that trigger things all over again most days.

I do know that I must remember to not blame my infertility for all that goes on in my head. But it has been the big trigger that has unleashed a whole heap of rocky emotions that I feel I am continuously fighting. I cannot seem to accept my human powerlessness. I constantly have to be reminded that God has the plan and the timetable. I cannot make another baby come and there is no perfect way to conceive one. Fertility drugs may assist or they may not make a difference.

There are of course only two possible black and white endings. One is the preferred in which the long-awaited baby arrives. And the other, in which it doesn't. It is so very hard living in the gray area right now in which the ending is uncertain. It means I swing between my two endings in my head which is why I am constantly rocking around in the seven stages of grief. I have hope one day that it could really happen for us and then depression hits the next day when it seems unlikely that it will happen. So then the grieving starts only to be stopped when I feel hope once again.

The mood-swings are part and parcel of this roller-coaster ride. But I have some kind of undiagnosed hormonal imbalance going on too which is connected to my fertility issues which doesn't help.

For many reasons I am stuck in the muck. It's a maddening place to be. Yet if I can do everything I can to keep myself sane, and reach out to friends, family, a counselor, and God, then hopefully my time in the muck will be a little more bearable.