My ducks aren't all in a row

After feeding the ducks with my daughter in town earlier today, it occurred to me that my ducks aren't all in a row and I'm okay!

I am someone who prefers to know where she's going in life. I like my routines, am a schedule-nazi, and thrive on organising. I'm a Virgo; I'm meant to be a bit of a planner. Goal-setting is a big part of my make-up.

However this ride with secondary infertility has thrown all my ducks into disarray. I can't plan much at all while my life is in slow-motion. I have been trying to put my ducks in a row for months and it has been fruitless, to put it mildly. From the outside, and also from my own naval-gazing; it looks as though I'm going nowhere. But that isn't true at all.

Lately I've clicked on a deep level that this is where my spiritual gifts are received, if I'm open to them. I am only going to emerge stronger, wiser, and closer to God as a consequence of enduring a great time of uncertainty. I can feel that happening already. Playing the waiting game certainly has it's spiritual benefits. I've grown spiritually in the past after handing some big stuff over to God. I am not new to God's crafty ways of getting me to stand up and listen.

While watching my daughter earlier today giggling while feeding the ducks; I realised I was in a state of peace. And that's something I haven't felt for a while. I seem to have lost that urgent need to get this all sorted out.

Yesterday I asked a pharmacist about the Clomid deal and taking it if I was only spotting and she, and another pharmacist weren't comfortable at all about discussing this with me and advised that I talk to my Dr. To which I replied I would - if the receptionist would forward my call! They said I ought to try harder....

Now this could have really ruffled my feathers but I decided to drop it and enjoy a gelato icecream with my daughter on the way home. I had spotting for three days and no period followed. I will wait another week and see what happens. I've been here before as my cycles are completely up the wop.

I'll try my Dr again over the next week. I really don't think I had implantation bleeding, so it's a question of when I should take the Proveria now to stimulate a fake period.

Ho hum. It's all a bit boring, actually! I'm just looking forward to a quiet night in tonight, hopefully spending some time with my hubby. I've been doing a freelance job all week so have been bum down, tail up most nights. And as I was away last weekend I feel as though we haven't seen much of each other at all.

Anyway, it feels good to be serene while my ducks are out of sequence. I'm trusting that God is lining them up for me in his own time and own way. It will be interesting to see what he comes up with!