Praying for another shot at motherhood: The song that gets me everytime

Monday, January 14, 2008

The song that gets me everytime

These are the lyrics to the song that get the tears going, often when I'm half-way through doing the dishes!

Breathe by Michael W Smith

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence living in me

This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word spoken to me

And I I'm desperate for you
And I I'm I'm lost without you

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence living in me

This is my daily bread
this is my daily bread
your very word spoken to me

And I'm, I'm desperate for you
And I'm, I'm lost without you

And I'm desperate for you
And I'm, I'm lost without you.

I'm lost without you.

I'm lost without you.

I'm desperate for you.

(Cry out to live)

I'm desperate for you..

I'm lost, I'm lost, I'm lost without you..
I'm lost without you

I'm desperate for you

(pianospill)

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My back story

July 04: Pregnancy confirmed at age thirty-five after just three months of TTC using natural fertility methods (charting cycles etc). Textbook cycles, ovulation obvious.
March '05: Daughter delivered via emergency c-section at thirty-six years old. Right ovary removed in same operation after three weeks of severe undiagosed pain from thirty-seven weeks.
September '06: Started TTC for #2 child at age thirty-eight. Daughter eighteen months old.
December '06: Had a chemical pregnancy, ending at 6wks.
April - November '07: Took herbs, vitex, and vitamin supplements under the direction of a herbalist. Had regular two weekly acupuncture appointments at the same time.
December '07: A 5cm cyst was discovered on my only ovary (left) via an ultrasound.
Feb '08: Took Provera to bring on a "fake period" which worked.
March '08: First round of Clomid (50mg) didn't result in ovulation. Second round of Clomid taken late March '08 before bloods back from first round of Clomid, ovulation questionable.
April '08: Went in for another pelvic ultrasound to check status of cyst. Had grown to 6.5cm.
May '08: Had laparotomy/two x Ovarian cysts removed Thurs May 8th. In hospital three nights.
June '08: A day 21 progesterone test confirmed I didn't ovulate in my 1st cycle post-op. On stand-by to take Clomid.
July '08: Started 2nd round of Provera (5mg) 1/7/08. Took for 10 days, AF arrived. 11/7/08 started round three of Clomid (50mg). Recent blood test results revealed a FSH of 86. "Consistent with ovarian failure."
Aug '08: A day 21 progesterone test confirmed I didn't ovulate in my 2nd cycle post-op on 50mg of Clomid. (Round three). Took 3rd round of Provera (5mg) to bring on AF for more bloods: it failed; no AF. 1st appointment with a natural healing therapist/vibrational healer 19/8/08.
Sept '08: Started 4th round of Provera (10mg) 5/9/08 - failed again - no AF. 23/9/08 - started taking S.S.R.I (anti-depressants). Stopped seeing vibrational healer.
Oct '08: Starting seeing a herbalist again to deal with hormonal imbalance/ovarian failure. Conception stated to be very, very unlikely now.
Nov '08: 3/11/08 went into adoption services for an informal chat. The ball has started rolling for the adoption process!
Dec '08: In counselling (for the second time in 2008). AF arrived after a six month absence. Bloods revealed a FSH of 18 and oestradiol of 382.
Jan '09: 2nd AF visit in a row after a six month absence. Waiting for an appointment with an infertility specialist in Christchurch which was recommended via letter from my gyno.
Feb '09: 3rd visit from AF in a row (arrived Day 20).
March '09: 4th visit from AF in a row. Cancelled appointment with infertility specialist.
April '09: Information Meeting for prospective adoptive parents. No AF this month - and no I'm not up the duff! 27/4/09: posted off application for adoption assessment.
May '09: Went into (free) marriage counselling
June '09: Saw a clairvoyant - he claimed a girl to be "placed" in our family and to be open-minded about how that would happen (watch this space!)
July '09: Got letter indicating tentative dates for Education and Preparation Programme (for adoption) are 28th August and 18th September
August '09: Mysterious swelling going on in my abdominal region - utrasound and no cyst. AF arrived fleetingly after a five month absence. August 28: Part I of the Education and Preparation Programme
September '09: Started an Infertility Support Group. Monthly meetings for women only. First meeting Wednesday 7 October. Sept 10th: had Chi Nei Tsang treatment (body work and massage on the abdomen which emphasizes moving chi energy to the abdominal organs).
October '09: 1st October: debrief with appointed social worker about the Education and Preparation Programme. AF arrived. (first decent visit in six months)
November '09: 3rd November talked to social worker and delayed the adoption process - picking it up again approximately June 2010.
December '09: Had SIF closure appointment with Dr and AF made a fleeting one-day appearance followed by a light bleed for a few days.
January '10: Starting round four of counselling related to SIF. AF arrived and stuck around for a full cycle!
February '10: Feb 12th appointment with infertility specialist to seek closure/answers around SIF - perimenopause informally confirmed as a result of losing my right ovary five years ago when my daughter was born. More blood tests to be done. AF popped in for another visit.

March '10: Blood test results revealed ovarian reserve is not good but "normal for a woman your age."
April '10: Asked for letter from infertility specialist outlining diagnosis and recent blood results. Restarted adoption process.

June '10: Sent off application and financial assessment forms to Adoption Services.
July '10: Appointments with assigned social worker about above forms at Adoption Services - July 7th and July 22nd
August '10: August 5th - assigned social worker came round to our house for a visit. Final appointment with social worker on August 26th where we were unofficially told that we have been accepted as prospective adoptive parents.
September '10: September 23rd - received official letter that we have been accepted as prospective adoptive parents!

October '10: AF popped by after an eight-month absence - for a very short visit!

November '10: November 18th - emailed profile to social worker to check! November 23rd - Social Worker received profile! Expected to go into pool for prospective adoptive parents before Christmas 2010!

December '10: December 10th - 2nd draft of profile emailed to social worker. December 15th/16th - 2nd draft amended and profile printed out. December 21 - letter sent to confirm that our profile has been accepted! :)

January '11: January 8th: Our cat, Warren, aged 11, died.

February '11: February 17th: Dropped off last bit of adoption paperwork. Feb 24th: wee visit from AF - last visit four months ago

May '11: Proper visit from AF. 20 May - appointment with Dr in town around menopause.

Oct '11: (Adoption) profile sent to Dunedin to be viewed by a Birth Mother, along with several other profiles from around the South Island. Profile returned.

Dec '11: Tripped and fell and broke my arm at the elbow in November. Ended up having a three hour plate surgery. Adoption plans on hold until next year while arm heals.

Feb '12: Adoption file updated and reopened.

April '12: Adoption file expired. Our journey is officially over.