It's always with me

No matter where I am in any given day, the bad smell known as secondary infertility is always with me. Through the ups and the downs of my week, I am aware that I am in this vacuum of great uncertainty that will exist until a conclusion is finally reached. Someone recently stated that infertility has the same stress as living with cancer or having a terminal illness. Thankfully I have no experience with the latter, but from where I stand can certainly appreciate that there are similar elements.

Even though you try to make light of your situation, to seek help and relief, to continue with life as normally as possible, somehow the burden of infertility continues to drag you down. Pregnancy and babies are part of the human life cycle of course and so it is in your face everyday. Tonight on the news it was announced that Nicole Kidman is pregnant. I only heard the headline and actually I am happy for her as I know that she has struggled to get pregnant for a very long time.

This morning a woman revealed to me her private pain around wanting a second child but it won't happen for her as her partner isn't keen as he has children from a previous relationship. It was a good reminder that yes, even women who aren't actively trying to conceive, feel the maternal ache.

Friend no. 2 phoned tonight and we updated each other around where we're at with the infertility deal. Although she's battling primary infertility, we are able to connect somewhat, even though I continually feel bad revealing where I'm at given I do have my daughter. But her friendship is important to me and I want to keep it real, even if at times it's uncomfortable for the two of us.

I know one day I will be free again. I won't be "in" this. But until that day comes, all I can do is take it all One Day At A Time. I cannot look too far ahead. If anything I have been retaught the importance of living in the present.