Are you getting enough sunshine?

Okay, the heading is kind of random. It's not linked to anything I'm about to write (I don't think!). It is written on a towel that was in my daughter's buggy yesterday. We took it out as a makeshift picnic blanket at the local campground. I've had the towel for years (I think it belonged to my parents originally) and I've never read it before. Up until now it's just been a crappy old retro towel. But I liked that: Are you getting enough sunshine?

I certainly can apply that to my life as an SI. I have been trying so hard to bring the sunshine into my life midst the trials and tribulations of SIF these lasts few months. Yet every now and then the big black cloud that can be SIF blocks out the sunshine and I feel as though I am drowning again.

That has certainly been the case these last few days. I know it's about several things: disappointment that I didn't ovulate in my 1st cycle post-op, another limbo-land phase of waiting for AF to turn up / waiting a wee bit longer before finding out if the gyno thinks I should be prescribed Provera and fear, lots of fear. There is a large part of me right now that believes this isn't going to happen for me. It doesn't feel doable right now. I know that sounds so negative and pessimistic but it's just where I'm at. I'll get out of this space again soon. (I hope).

I feel like SIF is like living with a death sentence some days. It feels like not being able to conceive again is the inevitable outcome. If so, I wish either God or myself would just pull the plug and discontinue this whole TTC ordeal. What is the point of all this waiting only to be told I can't have what I so desperately want?

I can't really give up though. I'm five weeks post-op today and didn't go through surgery for nothing. I need to see what happens next. Perhaps I do hold some small seed of hope amongst my pain and misery today!

I have been trying really hard to just carry on but my thoughts and feelings are dragging me down. I went to the gym last night which was good for me midst this SIF slump I'm in. I was on morning tea at Playgroup today and decided to put it out there and told the main teacher/organiser that I had been dealing with secondary infertility for the last 20 months. I said if she ever met anyone in my boat who wanted to talk to send them my way. I am half-thinking of putting up a notice at Playgroup about a SIF support group. I had thought about putting one in the local community paper ages ago but am now thinking the average SI is out there in fertility-infested waters so Playgroups etc are probably the best place to recruit. There isn't an IF support group here in Nelson and I don't feel comfortable setting one of those up. I don't know what it's like to have not conceived a child at all. But I certainly know what it's like to be plagued by the desire for another child.

Yesterday I went to visit a MOTH friend and I was feeling like crap. I didn't go into things hugely but she did comment it was hard to tell (I felt like that) as I always seem like I'm doing well. (words to that affect). She shared how hard it was to be weaning her third child off the boob - since this was her last one and now she'd have to look into contraception options. Clearly I don't have that to worry about!

If I know me (and I like to think I do, pretty well!) I need a cry. I've felt weighed-down by my SIF shit for the last three days. I do also know that these anovulatory cycles seem to affect my moods. I don't feel right at all when my periods are all up the wap.

So lots of bleating, whining and poor-me's going on this end. I have been praying off and on these last few days. I do like the below prayer though.
St. David's Infertility Prayer:
Thank you, Lord for all the blessings in my life. Help me to remember them as I face the challenges of infertility. I pray that I can surrender myself into your hands. Let me accept the reality of this situation and have the wisdom and courage to take action where I can. Strengthen my body, mind and spirit to endure the trials of infertility. Keep me ever mindful of the needs of others and grant us your peace. Amen.