The Emotional Merry-Go-Round of SIF

Sometimes, I feel like quite the nut as I sort through the emotional debris of SIF. I have realised lately that there are three distinct phases that I am continuously going through as per below. Each Phase has it's own distinct flavour. It's almost as if I take on three different personalities as I sift through the emotional challenges of SIF.

PHASE One: In Phase One I am in my own personal hell. The taste is rather sour. I am in the deep, dark pits of SIF and feel as though I am unlikely to get out anytime soon. I feel alone, isolated from friends and family, yet at the same time desperate for someone to understand the horrific emotional pain I am feeling. I have withdrawn into myself so the outsider would typically have no idea that I am actually suffering. This is particularly difficult when I'm faced with MOTS and MOTs-to-be. I really don't want to hear anything at all about life as a MOT or a MOT-to-be at this time. Please spare me the details if you can, as my heart is breaking into a million pieces as we speak. And for fear that details won't be spared, you may find that I will avoid all contact with MOTs and MOTs-to-be as much as possible. I'm not doing this because I don't like you or don't care anymore. I'm doing it as a means of self-protection.

The crux of Phase One is a sense of hopelessness. I may have been triggered by a process to do with my infertility that has sent me reeling. Perhaps a treatment just failed, I might be waiting for my next appointment or may be waiting anxiously to see if AF will arrive. No matter how hard I try, my infertility woes consume me at this time. What can you do as a friend or family member? Give me the space I need. Don't waste your time throwing me a life buoy as I'm unlikely to catch it. But don't worry, I will be out of this phase again before long.

PHASE Two: I enter Phase Two when I have emotionally exhausted myself (once again) with Phase One. I've had enough of my "stinking thinking" and just want to let go of the whole SIF deal for a while. I'm a bit mono, a bit bland in Phase Two. It's a time of regrouping and refueling my mind, body and soul as I have just depleted most of my resources while in Phase One.

When I'm here I don't necessary have hope that things will work out for me on the baby-making front; I just want to think about something else. At this time I may attempt to focus on other things outside of SIF. I don't want to talk about SIF as I have just bored myself to tears for the last few days/weeks/months analysing every miserable aspect of my very miserable predicament. So best you don't bring it up if possible. Or perhaps ask if I want to talk about. Phase Two is like a respite from SIF. I'm neither here nor there with it - neither terrified that baby number two isn't coming (as per Phase One) or optimistic that baby number two is on the way - eventually (as per Phase Three).

PHASE Three: This is the safe time for friends and family to connect with me around SIF. You may even get a voluntary debrief of where I'm at in the SIF game. There is an element of sweetness to Phase Three - it's as good as it gets within SIF. I'm almost walking on air. Perhaps a new treatment is in the wings. Or maybe I'm just feeling quite positive. God has the plan and the time-table around baby number two's arrival here - and I have the patience. SIF seems almost bearable in this phase - and somehow makes sense. In this phase I can see all the lessons I have learnt and am meant to keep learning at this time. How lucky I am to have these spiritual lessons and emotional challenges. If it wasn't for SIF, would I be so enlightened? But be warned - this is typically the shortest phase of all that I'm in. If you don't keep track, before you know it, I'll be back in Phase One.

And FYI - I'm in Phase Two at the moment. :)