Surrendering isn't always a piece of cake

I have been trying really hard to continue to surrender my baby dreams to God this week. But it is far from an easy process. In fact, I have cried a lot this week. Because in letting go of my baby dreams it is once again, a grieving process. It's like for now, I have to say goodbye to this dream so I can go forth with the rest of my life. In many ways it feels so wrong and unnatural to be thinking this way as for so many months baby number two has existed in my heart. I have been carrying around the love for my hoped for second child and it has inhibited me from moving forward.

Now that I am giving up this love, and this desire for another child, God is illuminating the way forward involving other possibilities - and I am scared. And pissed off. Because this isn't the way I wanted it to be. Why the hell do I have to contemplate retraining or re-entering the work-force in the-not-so-distant-future? (sooner than I had planned). I didn't want to have to think about all that until baby number two had arrived. But I'm having to reprogramme myself to think about this stuff - as we may not have a second child and life has to carry on.

I have had such a tough week being sick and home-bound all week with my three and a quarter year old. We've got out once a day into the Winter sunshine but have spent a lot of time here at home, just the two of us. We're both very frustrated and bored with one another's company. It is such a challenge keeping a three year old entertained with no Playgroup, playdates or other outside activites. Yesterday I received a confirmation in the mail that my daughter won't get into her local Kindy til around three and a half years old - which is in September. That's three more months. It has been an unusual school term in that my daughter and I have had our surgeries to recover from, we've been sick twice with a stomach bug and now a virus and her week hasn't been as full as it normally is. Also the MOT who we used to see twice a week has faded into the background while she looks after her ill mother. So my daughter has lost a much-loved play-mate for now.

Next term I've enrolled her in both gymnastics and swimming classes which'll be good for her. It means we'll only be going to Playgroup once a week instead of twice a week next term which I think will be good for both of us. I just need to encourage some more playdates for my daughter once we're both well again.

I've realised I have to accept that our daughter is an only child. There is no sibling in the wings. At this rate she'll be over four if another child came along. We don't have family living in town either which means she misses out on regular connections with her cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Grandad, and Nanas. She sees one Nana quite regularly but it is clear to me she wants to form bonds with other adults outside of our wee family. She is ready for Kindy in my opinion. I'm disappointed that she can't get in for another three months. Last year the kids did get in at three years old - it's only because they've lowered the teacher-to-kids ratio that they are getting in a bit later.

I'm jaded - physically and emotionally. I have struggled this week looking after my daughter mainly within these four walls. I have always ascertained she's a high needs child, which means she demands as much of my time and energy as possible. Unless I make breaks for myself outside of the home, I don't get them as even when my husband is home, our daughter wants me to do it all including bathing her and putting her to bed. She'll even say "Daddy dishes, Mummy bath!" as she knows that I normally do the dishes while my husband gives her her bath. My husband has to put on his best comedy routine to get her into the bath these days but sometimes she's not convinced.

I have really missed not being able to go to the gym this week to get my Mummy breaks. I am hoping I'll be fine next week so I can go back to to the gym then. I am certainly no Super Mum. I need my time-outs from motherhood, that is for sure. This week my hands are so very full with one child. God knows that. I have to be honest and admit that I am wondering if I could cope with two children. Perhaps God is showing me I am already challenged enough.