Taking it up a notch

On Tuesday a MOT at an antenatal class get-together mentioned Fertility Associates. There was an ad in the local community paper two days later for a free fertility information evening here in Nelson. I believe God works through people and other means, so I phoned up and booked myself in, taking it as a sign that I am meant to go. It's on Wednesday 9th July 6.00 -7.30pm. Topics covered are: causes of infertility, options for treatment, the IVF experience, and counselling and support.

I had a brief chat to one of the nurses who seemed to think Clomid wasn't perhaps the best way to go for me given I have just one ovary and I'm 39 years old. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach for several reasons after that phone-call. Once again I am reminded of how time isn't on my side around TTC and I also fear I have missed the boat; that I may not possibly ovulate again. I am scared yet I have to go down this road despite financial concerns that we probably won't be able to afford any extra treatment. I just have to keep an open mind with it all and trust that God is leading the way here - if He wants me to go down this road then the money to do it will somehow become available to us.

I just ordered some Pre-seed lubicant. I didn't know until a few months ago that such a product existed. Without going into the arena of TMI (too much information!), regular lubricant is toxic to sperm. I had no idea until very recently that was the case. Pre-seed is supposed to provide a sperm friendly environment so I thought it was worth a try.

I also just called my gyno surgery to get a script for Provera to bring on AF since AF is late three weeks tomorrow (and I'm definitely not pregnant). My gyno is away til Wednesday so the receptionist said to phone my Dr to see if she'll write a script. My Dr is apparently busy all day so a nurse will call me back. Phew! It takes a bit of time and energy coordinating the fertility stuff! Perhaps that should be a job - A Fertility Coordinator (!) - very similar to the role of A Wedding Planner! ;)

It feels as though I am taking things up a notch around TTC. I feel quite vulnerable, however. I feel I am perhaps getting closer to some answers around TTO and I'm not sure it's what I want to hear. But if it's bad news - better I find out sooner rather than later, I think.

I talked to my husband a bit about me working full-time last night. We agreed it's best I stay in my at-home role. I don't want to have any regrets. If I am going to remain a MOO then I do want to stay at home with my daughter. It's looking like it's going that way so I am going to continue making the most of this time with her. At the same time I recognise I need to work a little more so am looking into home-based options and feeling positive that something is going to work out there.

I went to Playgroup yesterday. It was hard when a MOF disclosed TMI around her latest addition's birth who was born twelve days ago. It's her fourth daughter and even as a newborn she looks exactly like her three siblings - they truly are like peas in a pod. The MOF even asked me if I'd experienced child-birth. To which I said no, just the one c-section. That's a painful aside - that I might never actually give birth to a child. Though of course I'd rather another c-section than no baby thanks. Anyway this MOF went on to tell me how she "controlled" the birth of her child so she was born at a particular time! - only something a woman who had given birth several times could do she said proudly. Yeah thanks for that, I thought. Clearly I'm not going to be spitting babies out now am I. This MOF knows I am a SI. Sigh.

Another MOTH-to-be asked if I knew she was pregnant with her third child. Yep you told me a few weeks ago, I thought, no need to brag, now is there! This MOTH-to-be doesn't know I'm an SI and asked if I was working. Well of course I am. There are no other children in the wings now are there, I wanted to scream!

Yeah, probably best I'm moving on from Playgroup soon. It's a bitter-sweet decision going to Playgroup just once a week for now (as opposed to twice a week). That is where I have made all my Mum connections and not all Mums go both days. So I've lost contact with the Tuesday Mums. I know a lot of Mums on a Thursday now anyway. It's an amazing place to go as a Mum and if it wasn't for my SIF status, I'm sure I would have no issues with it at all.

Yet in my heart it really does feel like it's the beginning of my time of moving on. So when my daughter gets into Kindy (around September) that'll be it for us. It will be the end of an era. In some ways I am so relieved that I only have to hang in there for a few more months. In other ways I feel sad as it feels like I may possibly be leaving the world of MOTs for good. I will still be taking my daughter to swimming, gymnastic and music classes even when she goes to Kindy but I will be socialising less in those situations, just merely crossing paths with MOTs.